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bi-polar sociopath daughter - Page 3

post #41 of 55

I came across this site when I Googled Christian with bipolar daughter.  As I read through the thread, I can see most of my experiences in the posts.

 

My daughter is now 22.  Her first psychotic break came when she was about 15 or so, just into her freshman year of high school.  At first, it was hard to see it as anything other than a teenage rebellion.  Unfortunately, things rapidly got much worse than just rebellion.

 

I won't go into all the details because most of that has already been described here..the stealing, the lying, etc etc., add in 2 suicide attempts which hospitalized her, but since she was over 18, she walked away, unmedicated again.

 

I have basically estranged myself from her, not a proud thing to admit, but when it came down to the safety and sanity of me and my other daughter, the choice was clear. 

 

I found out about 2 months ago that she is pregnant by a man who already has children by other girls and who is also abusive.  I have encouraged her to seriously consider adoption.  The way it stands now, she has every intention of keeping this baby and raising it, supposedly with him, although he has kicked her out twice already and my guess is that she will not only give birth alone, he will be MIA permanently after the baby is born.

 

She is on the verge of homelessness, am pretty sure is not getting the prenatal attention she needs, and does not take care of herself.  Prayer is my life support right now.

 

Thanks for listening.
 

post #42 of 55

 I think perhaps you should read up on "SOCIOPATHS" there are common traits that they share like killing animals and using people for their own twisted little schemes. Trust me I was married to a "SOCIOPATH" and they are usually very congenial although always plotting to move in for the kill! Many Sociopaths keep friends for quite a while to manipulate them .There are a number of anti-depressants that will keep a -"true sociopath" from turning into a soul-less monster.Sounds like you have a definate pathological liar on your hands but true "SOCIOS"are usually more the serial murder type.I watch alot of Cold Case and Criminal Minds and the Psychopaths and Sociopaths can sometimes even pass lie detection. These people think they are GODS and they are merciless

monsters.It is a good idea to stay away from your daughter if she is just a bitch too. Female hormone imbalances have made women do horrible things Plz. try starting there. Cuz trust me the last diagnosis you want is a "SOCIOPATH" If you would someday like to hear my story of being married to a "SOCIO" I can find the time to briefly recap it,if you write back.

                                                                  I was you peace and love!      Linda Kay

post #43 of 55

I thought I'd reply even though I don't know exactly know what the OP is going through. However, I was diagnosed  as bipolar at 15, and labeled borderline sociopath at 18. I have had attempted suicide a few times, and done alot of things I'm not proud of, I was a very challenging child I have no doubt of that. I guess my point is that it doesn't have to be horrible forever. My family supported me, and got me help (they didn't put up with my crap either though). But at a certain point I had to choose to that I wanted to be better - to take meds, have a better life. Which I did. Things aren't perfect. I'm rambling, but I'm just saying - it can get better. I hope that gives you some encouragement. 

post #44 of 55

I just don't know what to say. I am in tears reading all of these awful stories. My heart is breaking for all of you in these absolutely terrible situations. hug2.gif

post #45 of 55
Usually just a lurker, but I feel compelled to speak up on this post. As the child of a mentally ill parent, a mentally ill mother myself, and as the parent of a child with mental illness; I politely (as possible) and respectfully disagree with the suggestion to cut ties and run. It's not just this thread either, there was another one requarding a narcissitic mother that the mama was encouraged to stop contact with.... My heart is just aching for you all!!

Mamas, it's first and foremost your job to care for yourselves. This is imperative to your ability to care for your child(ren). There is a lot of variance in how we parent, but most all of us agree on this-- it is our job to raise our children up to responsible young adults, and that we should do so with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

What message are we sending our mental ill children by turning our backs to them? It comes across to me as rather harsh to say to someone who is rapidly spiraling out of control that you love them -but- since they cannot act in good health they cannot be a part of your lives. It is in those situations that a.mentally ill child MOST needs unconditional love! When everything is wrong they need to have the constant reassurance that someone who loves them is standing by to help.You don't have to approve, and can even voice dissapproval; but for goodness sake Be There! I am not advocating enabling or asking you to endure abuse. I am asking you to consider firmly stating your boundaries to your child and encouraging you to remind them of your love and willingness to help them in any way you are able. Offer your support. Give them your honesty. Be real with your chid. Teach them that mental illness can be managed and treat them with empathy.

Mental illness itself can create some really scary home situations, which children absorb. I know, all the more reason to want to segregate the ill child if there are other siblings in the home, right? But,.again, what is that teaching your famiy? Will they learn how to gently correct and address problems? Are they learning to have compassion and respect for another's dignity when handling family matters? Or are they learning that unconditional love is reserved for those who are whole and facing the sting of rejection everywhere they turn?

I'm choosing love. I will respond with compassion and try to respect my child while standing firm that the help needed is sought out. I will refuse to give up on my child because I have been there myself. Never underestimate the power of acceptance! If you consider that the alternative to accepting is rejection, does it help you to understand why your child would choose to ignore your parenting in this crucial moment when they need you more than ever? So rarely in life do I feel bullied, threatened, belittled, devalued, etc enough to change some major part of me. I can't imagine many others would either, our children included.

Now, changes made for love...many sucess stories to be found there!

I don't mean to imply guilt. Each of us has a different road to walk down, and cannot know the feelings and hearts of others.Each of our own minds have their limitations. What works for our family may not work for yours, and vice versa. But, I would really like to encourage you all to think if there may be another way possible to handle an out of control child. If you truely, honestly, believe with your heart that your child is so very ill that they cannot be entrusted their own care you can petition the courts to get them the help theu need. Obviously, long term treatment has to be wanted and maintained by the child themselves. Problem is that majority of these illnesses are hallmarked by the inability of the person affected to actually see their problems. At the very least I feel obligated to see to it that my child would receive care if they were not able to seek it of their own accord and in THAT desprate of need of it, yk?

food for thought (idk about the rest of you, but someday when I'm too old and infirm to be on my own I'll be calling I'm one of my children...i can only hope that should dementia set in and I become confused and angry that my child will not toss me into a home, but handle me with the same love and care I gave to them!)
post #46 of 55
Check out Dr. Greene on youtube lectures, or his book, The Explosive Child if you are interested in learning some new ways of approaching your difficult to discipline, or reason with, child. He offers some wonderful insight into what's going on in the mind of children in the middle of a meltdown. I found it especially helpful with my child to acknowledge and validate that their feelings and concerns are real and adressing them, as opposed to just dismissively telling a child he has nothing to worry over, or she has no reason to feel a certain way.
If nothing else, maybe by speaking in a language they understand (emotions, basically. You are asking them to share with you the feeling that caused the outburst.) communication can be restored and you can begin to get them the help they need. It's not about dealing with bipolar, but it applies nicely to it.
Pardon the typos, please. My device is giving me difficulties today.
post #47 of 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by wild violet View Post

? Will they learn how to gently correct and address problems? Are they learning to have compassion and respect for another's dignity when handling family matters? Or are they learning that unconditional love is reserved for those who are whole and facing the sting of rejection everywhere they turn?

I'm choosing love.!)

Well said, wild violet, and I agree. When I was diagnosed bipolar as a teen, I felt like an misunderstood, out of control monster that no one could ever love. Bipolar feels very scary and confusing- that's not excuse for unacceptable behavior, but it's an insight maybe.

I don't want this to come off as judgmental, I think we all do the best we can. Just sharing an "insider's perspective"
post #48 of 55
I'm sorry if that came acrossed as though I didn't think someone was doing the best she can. I respect a mother's need to protect herself, and her whole family (even if it means from another family member) but maintain that a parent, even one at wits ends needs to consider the needs of their very ill child. Perhaps some other mother on mdc stumbles onto this post and is in desprate need of venting some awful feelings and receiving some support, should she now also assume that he child has a hopeless outcome and just begin the grieving process? Or would you rather she realize that it's normal to feel strong emotions when dealing with someone who is mentally ill and that it's okay to walk away as you please? If she's feeling it is that bad for the child she owes the poor kids at least the effort to place a call or two on her behalf as the mother. Idk, I have btdt and I do respect the need to step back at times but I'm appalled at how many ppl think ignoring mental illness will help. When my kids are sick it doesn't matter how old they are 5, 15, 25....still my child! I still respect them & their decisions, but maintain that parenting is a lifelong job.
post #49 of 55

One thing that I have come to realize through all this is I cannot want for her more than she wants for herself.  I can lead her to water, can't make her drink.  Can support her in every way possible, but short of "doing" it for her, there is nothing else. 

 

Every single one of us is responsible for the decisions we make, and yes that even means those suffering with a mental illness, because those decisions always reap a consequence, good bad or indifferent.

 

I cannot tolerate being put into situations that jeopardize my own well being, and that had been done far too many times.  I do maintain communication with her, but I keep my distance also. 

 

Until she advocates for herself, nothing changes.  Loving her enough isn't enough until she loves herself more.

post #50 of 55
Karen, I understand. It is such a brutally painful situation you're in. Loving detachment, that's what I call it. I've had hints of such a future with my son and through my journey dealing with his problems, I've heard many stories like yours. It happens and it's not your fault. We can be the most perfect loving parents but it still happens and decisions need to be made or else the entire system (family) crumbles. Hugs and love to you and your daughter.
post #51 of 55
My son fits most of the criteria for sociopath, but also for bipolar ll and he is definitely ADD. ( no H ) I have spent the last decade trying to help him, keep him out of jail and steer him rights and what I get are lies, lots of lies, lots of apologies and lots of manipulating his spineless father. He distrusts all forms of mental health services and will not see a therapist.
I have been to many Alanon meetings - he is a recovering heroin addict- and they preach the gospel of loving detachment. Very difficult. Do not know what to do. He is about to turn 23. Recently left a job he had had for 5 years because he lost his drivers license because of many unpaid tickets. He is smart. He has no history of violence. He lies, thinks he is smarter than everyone else and always has an excuse for his failure to do most things he has promised to do. He is truly the most unreliable person I know. I think he kept his job because his managers were Moms who felt sorry for him.
I am 60 years old. I have been living on the edge of my seat for about 10 years - he barely made it out of HS, spent 10k of his college fund on a criminal defense lawyer- possession of marijuana over 4 oz, smashed a car, been arrested many times for petty offenses, has to be nagged and bribed to do ordinary things.
I am just exhausted. We have been trying compassion and support for 10 years with no improvement. I feel like I am killing myself with anxiety. So why not...cut him off from all financial support. I am thinking of taking a break, asking him to not ask anything of us for at least a few months, maybe simply no contact. He has never been fully self- supporting and I want to spend some money on myself before I die. Neither of my parents made it to 70. My expectations are low.
So I ask ---- what do you think? He is so self-defeating I ache every day.
post #52 of 55

I am so glad I found this forum . I too, am a mother of a sociopathic daughter.  I am heartbroken. She has stolen from me , stolen from boutiques where I took her on vacations, stolen from guests in my home, promiscuous , pathological lying , diagnosed with ADHD and other psychosis, forged checks, drug abuse , alcohol abuse, sold her medication, manipulates, taunts. The very worst thing is she got pregnant and now I worry and fear for my grandchild .  She is living with the father of my grandchild who has had numerous run in's with the law , drug and alcohol abuse, jail, numerous dui's ..  I know I need to have "no contact" at this point , but it is hard because of my grandchild. I don't know what to do . I love my daughter  but I am afraid of her.

post #53 of 55

With all due respect......It sounds like you talk about your daughter as if she weren't your daughter, but some growth that was removed from you and raised by thieves. Only to return home and change her underwear like she changes her friends. Considering she steals and lies and lives under your roof. Why is it important that she has new friends all the time. Considering she's in school and had a job, it would seem healthy to have new friends. Just my opinion. Hope things start looking up for you.;)

post #54 of 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by bcharmerxoxo View Post
 

With all due respect......It sounds like you talk about your daughter as if she weren't your daughter, but some growth that was removed from you and raised by thieves. Only to return home and change her underwear like she changes her friends. Considering she steals and lies and lives under your roof. Why is it important that she has new friends all the time. Considering she's in school and had a job, it would seem healthy to have new friends. Just my opinion. Hope things start looking up for you.;)

 

That's not respectful at all! That's horrible of you to say! You are not in her shoes at all. A lot of parents of untreated, now adult children are this way because they are untreated. I tend to act similarly when not treated. Lying, cheating, sometimes stealing and I've run off a few times only to return like nothing happened. This is why it's an illness that needs treated and managed.

post #55 of 55
I agree wholly w Becky. You simply can't judge if you haven't been there. I've only had glimpses of what it is like for such parents, but that is enough for me to understand the detachment. You do all you can but it will never be enough and if you keep at it everyone gets destroyed too. There is so much pain and heartache involved in such a journey that no one else can understand. Just please don't judge those with mental illness and their families. It reminds me how misunderstood we who suffer and we who have children with extremely disruptive mental illnesses are.... And that is an added pain that makes everything hurt even more.
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