friend just called...

[boysarecool]

just looking for some advice...

my closest friend called me today. he lives far from me, and his closest friend where he lives committed suicide on sunday. my friend found him monday morning. his friend dropped off his pet on sunday afternoon, and when he didn't return to fetch him, my friend got concerned and went over in the morning. he'd shot himself.

well, my friend called because he's beside himself. and i think he's just looking to talk, to process it all. 

anyone with any experience in this, is there anything you think i should say, reassure him of? i'm pretty sure he feels guilty--is there anything he could have done-kind of feeling.

anyway, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

thanks.

(and i hope it's ok to post this here and doesn't come off as insensitive or thoughtless--for whatever reason)

[nola79]

I think he probably wants somebody to talk to about it all. It would help I'm sure if you just listened. A similar sitaution happened to a friend of mine. She didn't find her friend, but was shocked, upset, and feeling guilty nontheless. I didn't do or say anything in particular, just was there when she needed to vent and get her feelings out.

[Sol_y_Paz]

You can say I am sorry this happened.  Mainly just listen and be there for him like a real friend, patiently, normal, with genuine concern and love be there to listen mostly as he can get it all out.   

[granny-mary]

My sympathies to your friend.... and as already stated; the best thing you can do is be an active listener.

Validate your friends' feelings... feelings are neither 'right or wrong'... 

It is natural for him to feel angry and even betrayed by the friend who took his life.

To the persons left behind, they will feel guilt ("What could I have done? Why didn't I see the signs?") 

and anger, ("How could he be so selfish? Why didn't he tell me he was struggling?")

and of course deep grief, ("I didn't get to say good-bye. I miss him and his presence in my life")

At some point, suggest he do something to symbolize the life of his friend... a living memory such as planting a tree in his memory or something else that will focus on the positive elements... "My friend lived. My friend was loved. He was here. He mattered".

Or to buy something for himself that he can keep as a visual reminder of his friends' impact on his own life. ( ...a garden stepping stone, a framed print, wind-chimes etc.) 

And... listen. 

My heart goes out to you....you have a very significant role in his healing and processing... 

If you would like my short writing on "Understanding Grief" please let me know and I will post/send it privately.