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Is anyone considering UC though partner isn't on board?

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

I know that isn't ideal or even a good idea in most cases but just curious if anyone had a partner in the past who wasn't on board and wasn't educated on birth as you are (and let's face it, most men aren't) so you planned around it, like an oops or something else, or if anyone is currently in that situation.

 

I have only been with current DH for 2 years.  I was shocked with our first pregnancy (which happened very shortly after we met) that is was totally on board with a homebirth him having no other kids, no experience with birth other than what you see on TV or anything.  usually people with that lack of experience are too afraid to go anyway but mainstream.  He has always had this attitude though that since I had 4 before him, I must know what I am doing and if I am comfortable with it he trusts me.  I tried to even explain the pros of HB vs hospital and sell him on it but he stopped me and said it wasn't nessesary he was supportive of whatever way I wanted to do it, just tell him what to expect.  Amazing!!!  The sell was almost as easy this time only complicated by the fact that last time it was our only option besides going to the hospital uninsured and paying later where this time we have insurance and its free to go to the hospital but we would have to pay out of pocket this time for midwife.  He still said he would support me though since it was so important to me and we would work it out and it turned out nice last time.  He admits he has no experience with a hospital birth only homebirth from last time so really doesn't know the difference and its up to me.  However, in a moment of aggrivation I hinted at UC and he was quick to say he wouldn't be comfortable at all with that "just in case something happened".  I quickly dropped it and actually changed the subject.  I didn't want to hear how against it he was.  That would make it harder to consider if it came to that I thought.

 

I haven't mentioned it since other than to tell him I keep having this feeling I am going to be alone when I birth this time and he just assures me even if he is at work, which is an hour away, I will be left with several numbers to reach him and he will make sure he is here in time.  I honestly don't know what to do but just have this feeling it will work itself out and I wont have to do anything.  I am not even sure why.  Maybe the reason I didn't talk about it in depth with him is if he has expressed serious opposition to it and had very strong feelings against it, there would be no way I could consider it having to respect that this is his child as well.  However, with just knowing his lack of education about it but his trust in my decisions, I am somehow able to get around it.

 

Perhaps it isn't right, nothing is set in stone yet except that I am at peace with just not making plans at all and seeing what happens.

anyone have any experience with this?

 

post #2 of 12

I could have written the majority of your post. My DH is not my oldest's bio dad, so he didn't get to experience his textbook perfect UC. Our only child together died and I had him in the car - so even though during the pregnancy with our first together he was totally on board with UC and the "weird way" I do things, now that his only experience of birth has been our son's still birth, I sense a lot of hesitation in him. He still says he's okay with what I want to do, but I know he's nervous and he doesn't like to talk about it. I have a feeling if he is here when I go into labor he is going to be unhelpful at best and pushing me to go to the hossy at worst. I am planning to just do it anyway. I, like you, have a feeling that I will go into labor with this one while he is at work. I think I am willing it to work out that way. I feel strongly that this birth will be normal and easy and I just cannot let my last experience of birth be in a hospital. I am much more open in my mind this go round than I was with my first, because I have learned the hard way that yeah, things can go wrong to ME, but as long as everything is looking good with this pregnancy at the end, I just cannot see going to the hospital. I'm like you - just keeping myself open and seeing what happens. I think it'll all work out.


 

post #3 of 12

I make these kind of decisions quietly in my heart.   My husband isn't against a UC, but I don't think it would be his first choice.  However he does follow my cues.   When I'm in labor he just does exactly what I tell him to do and nothing else.  He prefers to take a back seat approach and just follow my lead. He does the same thing when it comes to decisions concerning my newborn (breastfeeing, diapering, shots, attatchment parenting, etcf....).  He knows I am the one who does the hard work of researching these things and that I have strong maternal instincts to protect my child.  He plays a supporting role so to speak and that just works well for us. 

 

Going back to the UC decision. I have found myself secretly wanting to be alone.  I will decide in the moment whether to call him (If I have time....I birth quickly).  When I envision my birth, I often see myself birthing alone, then quietly calling him afterwards to come help me.   The last time I birthed, my husband and my mom were in the room.  It was a powerful experience, but I am really drawn to the idea of birthing alone.   It almost feels like I'm reaching for an even more powerful experience, as if I'm prgressing onto the best of the best when it comes to the birth experience.  I probably sound like a new age philosopher now....lol, which I'm not..I'm a traditional Catholic....:) but I hope someone understands what I'm saying.....something it's hard to put deep thoughts into words!  

 

Best of luck to you!     

post #4 of 12

I think a good place to start would be with some gentle mentioning of UC and see where the discussion goes from there.  In an ideal world, our DPs would be on board with all of our birthing decisions, but in most cases it takes some talking, some research, some mutual understanding that you can both work from.  Most people are willing to have a calm, rational discussion about almost anything if they are approached in the right way.  

 

I know you are running out of time, but I would take baby steps and see where it goes.  Maybe make sure you do some research and have some information ready for him when he asks for it.  Can you point him towards some websites about UC and let him look around and see what he thinks?

 

post #5 of 12

 My dh just says "we'll see" when i mention having a UC with this baby. I haven't brought it up lately but he knows that is what i want. I'm doing prenatal care so we are getting use of our insurance and I'll have no issue with going to the hospital if it's actually needed.


Edited by SoCaliMommy - 4/22/11 at 8:58am
post #6 of 12

yeah, somehow I can't imagine my DP jumping straight on board with my plan. Especially considering how terribly everything went last time around... I guess I won't mention it until he asks lol

post #7 of 12

So I am in this place too, just like last time.  My dh has expressed he would be uncomfortable with even a homebirth with a midwife.  Although we haven't really discussed it this time around.  Last time I thought I would maybe not call him when I was in labor/ ready to birth and just do it all by myself but I kinda freaked out a little bit and ended up calling him.  I just felt like he would be really upset to miss the birth and i couldn't handle the negative feelings that might result.  And for some reason I kept thinking the tub they had at the hospital would be so much better than mine (it was not).  I did not do much planning for the birth re: things to have on hand/positions to try/what to do in certain situations.  Maybe it would have worked out better to stay home, maybe not.   

 

So this time I have done a ton more research, that I have done before but it was way back in 2005 before we were even thinking about getting prego, but anyway.  Last time I thought i could just remember it all but now I know!  So i feel a ton more prepared.  I want to sit down with dh and look at some emergency just in case instructions "in case the baby comes too fast".  I want to get a list together of things he can do for me while I am in hard labor (if he's awake; if it's nighttime I will just let him sleep).  And I'm ordering some things for the birth - herbs for pph, cord clamps, plastic sheet or 2.

 

I don't think dh will suddenly turn around and embrace UC, but I am hoping I can get him comfortable enough with an "emergency" birth he will be ok when I do give birth at home.  We'll see what happens this time around.  I keep seeing myself on the bathroom floor giving birth so... 

 

My fingers are crossed for you too, op :)    

post #8 of 12

I understand what you are going through. I am pg with #3 now and want to u/c but dh is not on board. I keep gently bringing up little things about when this baby is going to come at home, etc. He keeps saying "what  makes you think I'm ok with this? ". We have no ins, and we are moving to a town that has no close m/w 's. My last hb w/ mw was perfect and the m/w did not interfere at all. dh did most of the "other" work, lol.  I will be minutes from a hosp so if things go south I will go, but I don't want to if it's not necessary. Dh will be working 2 hrs away during the week, so I am secretly hoping that I will labor quickly enough that if I wait to call him,  he will make it just in time but not enough to rationalize moving me to the hosp! I do feel guilty about this but at the same time it's my body and I need to trust my instincts. GL to you and I hope whatever choice you make the outcome is the same-- a healthy baby and mama!!!hug.gif

post #9 of 12

I totally understand. This is my first time rejoining the forums since the birth of my DD on Jan 17th. I started several threads regarding my birthing plan that was quickly falling apart (started with an OB because we found out we were pregnant right after moving to a new state where we know NO ONE; at 33 weeks the OB shot down my birth plan, so we tried to switch to a MW for a HWB; at 37 weeks, the MW dropped us; after that I decided I wanted a U-HW-C). I, too, sought support from the threads because my DH was NOT on board with a UC, nor were our families--who found out about my plans for a UC after he put it all over FB (at which point all of our co-acquaintances pretty much deemed me incompetent to make rational decisions regarding the birth of my child).

 

I bought the birthing tub anyway. I even rented a fetal heart rate monitor to show him that I was taking precautions...the hospital is only 15 minutes away. During two days of prodromal labor I pumped up the birthing tub to get it ready for action, and when the real labor started my DH filled the birthing tub and kept it warm for me, rubbed my back when I was doing my thing on the ball...other than that he just went back to bed every now and then. I labored at home for 16 hours in and out of the birthing tub (It felt great in the water btw, same intensity of ctx but it definitely slowed them down: 1-1.5 min apart out of water, 3+ min apart in the water...so I kept getting out of the tub when I felt like it was stalling labor...but it was nice being able to breathe :P). Since my ctx were right on top of each other FOR HOURS and neither of us could determine dilation, we really had no idea what was going on down there, I could tell he was scared and, admittedly, I was a little anxious with uncertainty, but I got the feeling we were both okay with that...I kept telling him that my body was made to do this and just to let it do it's thing....THEN HIS MOTHER CALLED. Like an idiot he told her what was going on and I could hear her freaking out on the other end of the line..."you need to go to the hospital! you don't know what you're doing! what if something goes wrong?!" .... within 5 minutes he had a hospital bag packed and was standing next to the birthing tub holding a robe telling me to get out and we were going to the hospital. The moment he answered the phone my heart sank because I knew I had totally lost control and from then on the whole birth snowballed into the very experience that I wanted to avoid.

 

Looking back I wish that I hadn't told my husband that I was in labor...wish that I had just played it off as early labor...then he would have gone to work that day...and I could have stayed home and delivered at home alone with no interference and no intervention. I am extremely disappointed and ashamed in myself...and filled with anger, hatred, and resentment for my husband and everyone else who did not support me... this is my first time rejoining the forum because even attempting to write my story would bring me to tears because I gave up... reading or seeing anything involving a natural, home and/or water birth brings me to tears. Sometimes just looking at my perfect, healthy, beautiful little girl reminds me of what I lost and that brings me to tears... The whole experience has had a devastating effect on my marriage. I can't talk about it with anyone because everyone thinks we did the "right" thing... Any time someone brings it up or anything that is remotely relevant I have to leave the room, just saying, "I can't talk about this." The furthest I've come to talking about it with my husband is just to say, "Next time I'm not going to tell you when I'm in labor."...that is if we even make it that far.

 

Have faith in yourself, your body, and your baby...don't ever let anyone take the control away from you...it's YOUR birth...and you have the right to bring your child into the world the way you best see fit. No one should take that away from you, you shouldn't let anyone take it away from you, and you should never give up on what you want...if you do, you're risking hating yourself for it forever.

 

I could deal with my husband being mad at me for not letting him attend the birth of our first child...but this? I'm having a VERY hard time dealing with and it's affecting every aspect of my life.

post #10 of 12

I did with my first. I wanted to stay home and I did. I called dh towards the end of it. Looking back I am suprised he did not call 911,but instead he stood by and did anything I asked of him. If anything had happened to the baby ofcourse it would have all been on me. That is the main thing though being *pushed* into a UC can cause a lot of resentment for a dh.

 

I compromised with the second and hired a MW,but even then if anything goes wrong it is all on you. Seems like the only time you are not blamed for complications is if you go to the hospital and do as you are told. I could not bring myself to do that and had to come to terms with the possibility of everyone blaming me if my babies died during homebirths.

 

Best wishes whatever you do!

post #11 of 12

I am so sorry hug2.gif
 

Thank you for this beautiful quote.  I am going to write it out and read it to myself in labor.  I am going to do it this time.  Yes. :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by hereyes View Post

 

Have faith in yourself, your body, and your baby...don't ever let anyone take the control away from you...it's YOUR birth...and you have the right to bring your child into the world the way you best see fit. No one should take that away from you, you shouldn't let anyone take it away from you, and you should never give up on what you want...if you do, you're risking hating yourself for it forever.


 

 

post #12 of 12

Mine not on board- it's his first child and he wants a midwife there in case of complications (PPH, etc;) that he's not equipped to handle. Fair enough, I have always had hands off births with midwives anyhow and one aspect I really love about having a midwife is the clean up afterwards. That way I can focus on the baby as can he. He's just  worried  because his mom had a traumatic birth with him (he was born at home) and I am respecting his wishes. That said, we don't want a lot of people around, just the midwife and my oldest daughters. I had planned a UC last time but started bleeding  during labor and called a midwife to come. Everything went fine but it was still a bit hairy and I ended up having a PPH.

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