First child has VERY high needs (and health & developmental issues) - How to decide IF you...

[beingmommy]

Hi, my DS is almost 4 years old.  He's wonderful and bright and sweet and very (very very very) challenging.  He's got verbal apraxia which has caused a huge speech delay (he's at about a 2 year old level right now with his speech).  He's got a sensory processing disorder with significant tactile defensiveness and gets extrememly squirrely around other children.  He's got asthma and multiple life threatening food allergies (as well as gluten intolerance).  And he has lots of self-regulation issues - frequent tantrums and really, REALLY terrible sleep, which means I have barely slept in almost 4 years.  Everyday is extremely exhausting and challenging.  I am burned out and have some health issues from all the sleep deprivation and stress.

Yet, I really, DESPERATELY want another baby.

This would be crazy right?

An added problem is that I am getting up there in age and honestly, my pregnancy with DS was so hard on me, I really think I should not be pregnant past age 40. 

So, if we want to have another kid, I would need to get pregnant this year.

BUT I am so exhausted and stressed.  I really think that we should not have another child at all as DS takes every ounce of us.  There's not even enough room for us, everything in our lives is about him right now.  How could I do right by him if I brought another child into the mix.  How could I do right by him/her?

YET, I feel DEVASTED when I imagine not having another baby.  I always wanted at least 2.  I have dreamed about another child.  I have names picked out.  It's like he/she already exists.  And I always wanted a sibling for DS.  Although, now I wonder if he would ever be able to adjust or form a bond with them since he demands 100% of our attention at all times AND even if we did have another child he would be nearly 5 by the time that child was born so, so much more of an age gap than I had ever imagined.

Oh and I should add we will be homeschooling our DS so there will not be that he goes off to school and I have more time space for a new baby thing.

Any thoughts?  Advice?  Words of wisdom?  Experience with this?

TIA

Edited by beingmommy - 4/19/11 at 4:24pm

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

No advice, but hugs.  I think if it were me, I would probably go for it.  You won't regret having another child, but if you don't have another, you will regret it all your life.  DS won't be this challenging his whole life. Things WILL get better.  I also wonder if perhaps he would actually benefit from being a big brother?  Perhaps the relationship with a sibling would help him with his development. 

I know he needs all of you right now, but I also think that is true of every parent.  My daughter is high  (though not special) needs, and I can't imagine having another baby right now because she needs us SO much. But I know that she will benefit from the lifelong connection of having a sibling more than we can harm her by taking some time to care for a baby.  I also think especially for extremely high needs children that siblings can be a good lesson for everyone in the family. 

Good luck with this very hard decision. 

[beingmommy]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 

You won't regret having another child, but if you don't have another, you will regret it all your life.  

Wow!  Thank you for this really good point!  I have talked to many people IRL about this but no one has said this.  This really gives me something to think about. 

[Peony]

I agree with the regret. I have 3 with SNs and 1 more on the way, none severe though. DD1 was my most challenging, and there are almost 4 years between her and DD2 because of it. I can't say it is easy, because it isn't. DD1 was 6 when DS was born, and was really close to having a breakdown. I remember getting buzzed into a locked mental health center with my 2 week old strapped to me to talk about what they could help us with, thinking what did I get into. There are those days, but then there are really great days. I never regret it, and wish I didn't have this child. Back when it was just DD1, I couldn't imagine how another one would fit in with her, they just do, you adapt, and other children adapt. DD1 still had her fair share of issues but she is an amazing big sibling, she adores her brother and sister and it can be nice to see her in a different role.

Do I have to say that after this one, I am DONE. I am exhausted, I have barely slept in 9 years. But I don't wish for a second that I had stopped having children previously. 

[beingmommy]

Thank you for sharing this!  The whole idea of the regret I would feel if we do NOT have another child is really a huge one.