losing my mind- 3 year old tantrums and control issues

[Chloe'sMama]

My almost 3 year old DD is driving me crazy.  I SAH and am with her 24/7.... She is a strong willed child and as my mother says, 'very intelligent'.  She is constantly having crazy tantrums when I tell her what to do (no nursing, no binky, no buying toys, don't hit, hold hands crossing the street, wait etc).  I have tried redirection and distracting and keeping her in the house and keeping her out of the house, keeping her involved with little sister, whatever I can think of.

I am on the brink of wanting to go back to work so that I don't have to be around her.  I really just don't like her (actions and attitude), and don't know what to do.  

I am feeling like I need to read some books about anger management with toddlers (hers and mine....) because she has a hard time settling down and I have spanked her and it is not how we want to discipline our children.    I know it is a phase, but how do people handle it?

[lisavark]

I came on here today just to read threads like this. So I'd be reminded that my three year old is normal.

I've heard that three is the first teen year, and lately I just keep reminding myself of that. Mine doesn't need to be told no to throw a tantrum lately--she tantrums all the time for no reason. She invents reasons for tantrums. I've never, ever ignored her before, but I've started now! I think she's just trying to establish a higher level of independence from me, so she picks fights for no reason.

Have you considered preschool? I would lose it if my daughter weren't in preschool. Three mornings a week keeps me sane. If you can't do that, maybe exchange some childcare with another SAHM? Anything to give you and your DD a break from each other. She probably needs it as much as you do. They need a little space from mama at this age!

[mom2zack]

Fresno has a really good Mom's Club.  They have lots of activities for the little ones which may help her if she is bored.  If nothing else she will get to be around some kids her age, and you can chat with some other moms.  They also have a pretty good babysitting co-op.  It has been a lifesaver for me.   I am also in Fresno.

[OLDIEBUTAGOODIE]

I am new here what a great site! I am Mother with adult children,and  a Grandmother of 9.Believe me I have been through it all  over the years of parenting.Our adult children are what I would like to say,not perfect but good,and responsible adults.For me I believe parenting is not only the hardest job in this world but also the most rewarding job I have encountered.I look back at all the hours and hours I put into parenting and know it was all very worth it! When I look at my wonderful kids,and what they have become,what good choices they have made, I know it was all my best time spent in my lifetime. As I watch my kids intently with their own kids, I remember all the hours of my  work, the tears, the heartache, the pulling my hair out, the sleepless nights,the emotional drama,etc etc etc...All more than worth it! So all I can say young parents,hang in there,be strong,take the time,follow your instincts for they are best.Don't beat yourselves up we all make mistakes,kids dont come with instructions..we learn along the way.Yes the 1st ones the hardest as far as learning what to do,and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the next..it all depends on the child and their type of personality.Your children will never agree with you simply because you are the parent!It comes along with the territory. Only once they are grown and have children will they begin to understand the why's,then they may tell you what you have always wanted to hear!"I love you Mom,thanks for being such a good parent"I was and am a very strict parent..I don't tell our kids what they want to hear,I teach them what they need to hear..like it or not.Right or wrong children need to learn correction,and its a parents duty to teach them from the start,and thats when teaching begins from the very start.If you set your directions from the start,children are less likely to be wayward.Will they question?You bet,Will they get mad?Of course,Will they stomp,and rebel?That's normal,what's not normal is to let them think they rule you...thats a costly mistake...for if you let them run the show at the age of a toddler,imagine how they will treat you as a teenager?No it doesn't takecorp. punishment to get the point across!

But it does take you being the boss.I am a hands on,no nonsense  Grandmother.I love my Grandkids with all my heart and soul, and do alot for them,but I do not allow what I call,"Today's type of behavior" at my house or when my Grandkids are with me.Heck No!I had a friend ask me once when my kids were small,"How come your kids don't throw tantrum's like mine do"?My reply,"I simply don't allow it"I always taught my kids behavior like that was unnecessary,but their speaking voice was necessary,and it worked.I have a three year old Granddaughter that lives here part time due to a marriage issue.I believe 3 is one of the hardest ages in children..even in our own.My Granddaughter is very sweet,cute,very smart very ahead of her years,so she gets bored very easily.What I think is strange,she has a entire set of behaviors for her Father(not so nice one's)than she does for Grandma.The tantrum's     she throws,the physical contact she exhibits,the language she says is NOT the same as when with Grandma...she is so smart she knows who she can do what with.When I watch her,she know's what she can and cannot do,and I do not change what I expect from her. One thing that has worked for her is I give her a big girl sticker when she quits behaving negative.I take her aside alone make her look in to my eyes,tell her she is a big girl not a baby,and that she needs to use her big girl voice,tell me whats wrong without screaming crying,if she does as I ask she gets the sticker on her hand,if she chooses not to correct herbehavior,I have her sit  in timeout for 3 min(one min.per age)and tell her when she's ready to use her big girl voice ,& tell  me what's wrong to let me know..then I check back.Usually shes cooled down,wants the sticker,and is done.Actually she loves the stickers.I knew I had to do something Now when she was demonstrating this kind of behavior to her Father.We have been working on this with her she's doing much better. Children need limits,rules,boundaries,and be consient. The sooner they learn it the better behaved they will be.Best advice I can give is love,be patient,be the parent,it's never to late to start.The pay off is worth it in the long run!

[marsupial-mom]

Another vote for part-time preschool here! If you've resorted to spanking then it's definitely time to step away and get some space. Also, it will help remind you that these behaviors are normal/typical at this age.

[KatherineRL]

I am totally in the same boat. We are having endless tantrums that don't seem controlled by anything, and go from one thing to the next, with no rational start or end. 

This is my second time at this. My first boy, did the same thing, and I had just had another baby, and it was bad. Preschool did help us both. I have been trying everything too. I just give in to whatever he wants, if I can, within reason. If I can't, or it is just the string of a non-ending irrational demands, he sometimes gets to stay outside and cry until he calms down. We just started a preschool, for half-day, two days and week and that is what seemed to start this whole thing. But now, I think it must be control or independence issues. 

hang in there, I guess this will pass? 

[newmamalizzy]

Just wanted to chime in that I went through two months this year crazily researching preschools for this exact same reason!  Starting at about 2 years 9 months, my DD was intolerable for about 2 months.  Crying and fighting about EVERYTHING all.day.long.  And night.  And then, she just....snapped back out of it, and now I've given up the preschool search and am back to my original plan to wait until the year before kindergarten or skip it entirely.  I have a feeling that there will be more frantic preschool searches before kindergarten rolls around.  Not sure if those will stick... I've heard back things about the later 3's.