Custody eval soon, wisdom wanted

[blueperiod]

I'm actually a older member of mdc, but posting under this UN due to privacy concerns. I've really wanted to reach out to the MDC wisdom-pool, so here goes...

Background: I'm in the middle of a divorce from stbx who was physically and emotionally abusive to me (but not to the children). We have three children together, all are young- barely verbal and pre-verbal. I also have custody of my older DC from a different relationship. ODC is school age. I have a protective order in place against STBX that protects ODC and I.

After he left, STBX had supervised visits with our oldest shared DC with a court-appointed supervisor. Now that he has had some therapy, he has unsupervised visits, but no overnights. He has visits with our youngest two DC in our home with a third party present (and ODC, middleDC and I *not* present).

Ultimately, STBX is asking for joint physical and legal custody of our shared children. As such, he has offered to pay for the formal custody eval (the court had not deemed in necessary). We will be starting the formal custody eval in a few weeks. 

 

I know there are threads on here about custody evals, but if you wouldn't mind sharing your realtime wisdom with me here- I haven't gotten much of a sense of what the custody eval will actually be like in practical terms. Gently, I'm just looking for a rundown of what your custody eval was like, what things you think helped or didn't, what I might do to prepare myself and ODC.

 

TIA. 

[LoveOhm]

I don't have any first hand knowledge but wishing you and your children all the best.  While I understand your concerns I do think people can grow with help him being willing to under go a formal custody evaluation at least shows he has an interest in the children.

The only advice I can give is to make sure it is a court appointed custody evaluator and that your ex has not relationship with the evaluator.  Meaning your ex cannot personally select the evaluator, they must be chosen directly by the judge / court.

[blueperiod]

Thanks, mama. 

given what went on in our relationship, (stbx made frequent threats that if I ever went to the police about his abuse he would make sure I never saw my children again. He also cited his desire to not have children EVER as part of why he wanted to leave me), I believe it is likely that his request for joint custody is less about his interest in the children and more about his interest in continuing to abuse and hurt me. That said, I do recognize and value his role in their life, as long as the children and I are safe, kwim? To be frank, I do not think a joint physical custody arrangement is in our children's best interest given stbx's history. 

Since there was not a court order for the custody eval, our attorneys jointly chose the evaluator. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship (that turned physical in the month prior to our breakup), and I now have sole custody of our DS.  He has great visitation - and I treat him like he has joint, but he doesn't.

Our eval was pretty simple.  One week, ex went to see the evaluator by himself, he did some personality test thing, and then had an interview that was 2-3hours long (I really don't know how long it lasted, this is a guess based on my interview time).  The next week I went to see him by myself and did the same personality test and had an interview that was about 2 hours long.  Then each of us went with ds (separately) for about 20-30 minutes.

Overall, it wasn't any big deal.

The advice I got, which was excellent advice, was to be honest.  Don't act like you are the perfect partner - the evaluator might ask you why the relationship ended.  Well, everyone has their story, but no one is completely innocent.  By that, I'm not saying it was your fault (abuse is only the fault of the abuser, NOT the victim), but I'm sure you had moments where you yelled at your ex, said mean things, got angry, sad, cried, laughed, etc - all of that is perfectly normal and is to be expected during a break-up (even when abuse isn't involved).

What you don't want to do, is what my ex did.  He went in and said that the break-up was 100% my fault.  He said he never even raised his voice at me.  It was all BS, and it showed through - its just not believable to hear someone say they never yelled, yk?  Especially when they have a child together, and disagree on enough stuff that they are in a custody fight.  So, my advice is to be honest.  Think about what happened and why before you go in.  You want to have some kind of an idea of what to say, without it sounding too rehearsed.  KWIM?

[provocativa]

You can also ask your lawyer what the evals are like in your state.  Here they also get some time alone with the kids, and can ask the kids to do things like draw a picture of their family.  If dad isn't around, or emotionally unavailable, then he will be in the back, or smaller, or etc. and they use that as an advisory in making the decision.  Here they also go look at your living space. 

I disagree with LoveOhm, and think that many patterns of abuse are established in the abuser's own childhood and very hard to overcome.  I also think that the abuser may become abusive of the children later, I do not feel that an abuser has control over his anger and that what was previously aimed only at a spouse can later be aimed elsewhere.  Just my 7 cents.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by provocativa 

You can also ask your lawyer what the evals are like in your state.  Here they also get some time alone with the kids, and can ask the kids to do things like draw a picture of their family.  If dad isn't around, or emotionally unavailable, then he will be in the back, or smaller, or etc. and they use that as an advisory in making the decision.  Here they also go look at your living space. 

I disagree with LoveOhm, and think that many patterns of abuse are established in the abuser's own childhood and very hard to overcome.  I also think that the abuser may become abusive of the children later, I do not feel that an abuser has control over his anger and that what was previously aimed only at a spouse can later be aimed elsewhere.  Just my 7 cents.

THe kids get to be alone with the evaluator here to, but my DS was only 16mo, so not old enough here for that to be useful in any way.

I also think you should check out the book, "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft.  He goes into the whys of abuse alot, and one thing that he said is that its always thought that abusers are out of control, when in reality they are very much in control, and choose carefully when to strike and when not to.  Anyway, its a good book.

[mandalamama]

Originally Posted by blueperiod 

I believe it is likely that his request for joint custody is less about his interest in the children and more about his interest in continuing to abuse and hurt me. That said, I do recognize and value his role in their life, as long as the children and I are safe, kwim? To be frank, I do not think a joint physical custody arrangement is in our children's best interest given stbx's history. 

you make some really important points right there! sounds like your intuition is pretty good.

i've learned the hard way that even if an abusive father gets help for dealing with his issues and seems like he's made great strides towards non-violent communication, no one can predict what stressors he will encounter as time goes by, or how he will handle himself during stressful times.

i left my abusive ex to live safely with my daughter, and it was the best decision i ever made. however, as time passed, i allowed his apologies and sympathy and offers of help to wear down my resistance. i made the mistake of eventually allowing him back in our lives more and more, thinking i could keep control of the situation because of the way our custody order was worded (i had the right to deny him visitation if he ever became violent again). when he eventually had overnight visitations, he abused DD. something i never dreamed he would do. it took almost 3 years to reach a final custody agreement in court, where he lost his rights.

a custody eval where i live is called a"parenting plan" and the guardian-ad-litem drew it up for the final hearing. she interviewed both of us, my daughter, and kept in touch with us for updates the whole time. she told me that the one thing that helped my case more than anything else was that i had saved all kinds of documentation and had witnesses willing to speak with her, and testify in court. police records, court records, medical records, any info i could find on my ex, and she also asked me to keep a journal where i recorded everything not documented elsewhere. it really helped me see the big picture! and it helped her to make specific recommendations to the judge. also, when it came time to make my case before the judge, i was able to clearly state facts because i didn't have to rely on my memory alone.

i wonder, would asking the court to appoint a guardian-ad-litem would help in your case? they can't act as a go-between per se, but they can act as a witness to how both parents handle the ongoing custody and visitations. if something goes wrong, you'd already have an unbiased legal advocate for your child. if not a guardian-ad-litem, there are mediation agencies that do the same sort of thing, both parents pay half.