SAHD baby rejection

[Summer1216]

My DH took paternity leave from his work so he could stay home with our 8-month-old DS. Financial things being what they are, I can make significantly more than my husband. Taking 7 months off work to be a SAHM put us quite a ways into debt. Now I'm just working part time (3 days a week I'm gone for 8 hours including driving etc). My husband is doing a great job with our DS. He dotes on him, plays with him, 'wears' him when doing house work and errands etc. 

But when I'm around, DS hardly wants anything to do with him. When I'm home, and DH tries to pick him up or take him from my arms he SCREAMS. When I come in and he's holding him, and DS sees me he'll trow himself out of his dads arms, pushing and clawing to get away from him. Times when I've been home all day for a few days in a row he still prefers for me to be the one holding him - though he loves playing with DH as long as I'm nearby.

I realize this is normal baby behavior. I'm breast feeding him. I co-sleep with him (DH sleeps next to us, but not in the same bed). And I was home with him for the first 7 months. Not to mention carrying him for 9 months.

However - it's starting to really hurt DH's feelings, and I don't know what to do about it. I've tried to explain that it's just a phase and that by the time he's two he'll probably be totally reversed. At first he was joking about it but now as time goes on it's really starting to get to him. Tonight when DH tried to hug/kiss DS for bed he screamed and twisted away from him. DH's eyes got a bit red, and he looked hurt. His own father was crap. He has another daughter (by his first wife) that he wasn't allowed to spend much time with and be close to. He puts all this effort into being a super dad all day, and he's always playing second fiddle to mom. 

I know he'd be delighted to have our baby eagerly greet me at the door, and want to spend the whole time with me when I've been gone all day - but the fact that he goes from a happy content child to acting like a monster just kidnapped him is hard for DH. 

I'm worried that he may be really hurt by this, and may pull away from DS emotionally. 

Has anyone else gone through this?

How can I comfort and reassure him that he's not doing anything wrong, and that DS loves him too and will want to hang out with his cool dad once he's past this developmental phase???

[LROM]

Different circumstances and timeline, but very similar dynamic with DD and DH. 

One thing that helped us was to talk to a child development specialist (it was a phone "meeting" since we're on opposite sides of the country).  We mainly called her to talk about transitioning DD into her own bed and nightweaning because we were all so traumatized by how hard it was, but we also talked about this dynamic between DD and DH and how hard that was too.

Even though she didn't tell us anything we hadn't already read and heard elsewhere for the most part, there was something about hearing from an "expert" that this is developmentally normal, nothing personal against DH, that it might continue for awhile (sometimes even into when they can talk and even say things like "I don't want Daddy, I want Mommy!" which just makes it worse!).  Something about hearing all that live from an "expert" and being able to ask questions seemed to help DH further resolve to hang in there and not take it personally.

Don't know where you live or what your finances are like, but there are several ways to engage people and find someone your husband and you can talk to together.  If you think this would help, let me know and I can offer some ideas.

Please know though that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  On the rare occaision now that DD wakes up in the middle of the night, if she feels like I"m not getting to her quickly enough, she calls for Daddy!  And a couple of times she called for daddy first.  And when she recently got the worst banged up knee she's ever had, after I cleaned up the wound she insisted DH put the bandage on and would NOT let me do it even though I was right there and DH was in another room.  And... more and more often when DH takes her to daycare she leaves with a smile and in a good mood and when he says "kiss mommy" she comes over, kisses and hugs me, and goes out the door just fine. 

So tell your DH to keep hanging in there, it DOES get better!

[hildare]

Totally normal!  We have an almost 18 mo dd, and my dh is a sahd while i woh ft (lotta acronyms there, you gotta love it).  When i get home, it's all mommy all the time.  (still bf, too, which may make a difference, and she cosleeps with both of us but next to me b/c of boobies)

she loves her daddy, it's obvious, but when i am around it seems like i do most of the parenting.  she reaches for me.  she won't let him wear her when i'm around.  it's kind of problematic for us sometimes not b/c of hurt feelings, but b/c it's hard to meet her demands ALL the time.  if we go somewhere (ha) on the weekends, only I can do anything to her satisfaction.  so, daddy cannot hold or entertain her or just be in the room with her while i do ANYTHING ELSE.  that situation isn't just hard on the rejected daddy :(  i mean, it's hard for me to read or have a hobby or anything beyond work and baby at this point. 

i don't know how my dh deals with it, he's a little internal with his emotions... i do think he realizes that it's more about the boobie power.  it really is.  i assume the babes will grow out of it eventually, but if it helps, you can tell him he's not alone. 

eta: it has gotten a little better as she's growing, though.  it was pretty hard around your dc's age.

[MomtoDandJ]

It might help for him to talk to some SAHMs who go through the same thing.  It's really common for a child to get excited when they see a parent who isn't home with them all day.  I always laugh my husbands gets to see the kids at their best and I get to see them at all the other times.  They are just so happy to see him when he gets home, they can forget I'm even home.  If he hears it happens to other at-home parents, he may not take it so personally.

[JudiAU]

Pretty common. DS was exactly like this when DH was a SAHD with him for two years. My desire to be a SAHM and tendency to burst into tears when I saw him (like everyday, for a year) didn't help. He was happy and content when he was with DH but not around us both.

It did get better as he got older, and he adjusted quite well to getting a sibling at 2. I had six months off, DH went back to graduate school, and the transition to a nanny was pretty easy for all of them. DS treats us much more equally now though not totally and when he does express a strong preference there is an undertone of dance-monkey-dance-and-do-my bidding rather than outright rejection.

[Summer1216]

Thanks a lot for the responses. I'll just keep telling him that when it happens.

I also decided that I need to change some of my at-home behavior. Mostly when I know he really wants ME (specifically) that I have to stop what I'm doing and let DH take over (eg - cooking). At least on days when I'm gone all day. I think I have been inadvertently setting up the situation by trying to be too helpful to DH when I got home, and wanting DS to wait a few more minutes so I could (x,y,z)

[hildare]

Originally Posted by Summer1216 

Thanks a lot for the responses. I'll just keep telling him that when it happens.

I also decided that I need to change some of my at-home behavior. Mostly when I know he really wants ME (specifically) that I have to stop what I'm doing and let DH take over (eg - cooking). At least on days when I'm gone all day. I think I have been inadvertently setting up the situation by trying to be too helpful to DH when I got home, and wanting DS to wait a few more minutes so I could (x,y,z)

yeah... that really doesn't work for us right now (the waiting) at ALL.  it seems to make less frustration and screaming for everybody if i just fill that cup starting the moment i walk in the door.
 

[Kedrosami]

Just wanted to say that this can go both ways. My DH is the one who WOH, and I WAH so I'm always around.

A couple months ago my DS went through a phase. As soon as DH got home, he *only* wanted his dad, even to the point of pushing me away and saying "go!" when I tried to kiss him. He didn't even want me at bedtime and it hurt my feelings a couple times to the point where I cried about it. It still happens now and then but a couple months ago it was really bad. Most definitely a phase! And I have gotten better about not taking it personally.

Because your baby is younger than mine (DS is currently 19 months and was 15-16 months when the "I want Dad" stuff started) I do think booby power might still be a factor in his attachment to you (and hence aversion to dad) but I would bet that most of it is that you're the one who's gone all day.

Sadly the SAH parent is often taken for granted. I realized how much for the first time when I was away from my DS all day (and by all day I mean only 5-6 hours) for the first time in his life. He was about your DS's age at the time. When I got home he clung to me the rest of the day/night and wanted nothing to do with his dad--for the first time *ever!*

Tell your DH not to worry. This is very normal behavior and your DS definitely loves his dad!