I'm feeling really betrayed today, mamas, and I need some support. Either some righteous indignation on my behalf or some sort of "let it go" response would be welcome. 's
I just started rehearsals for a play, my first play in about 3 years. I'm an actor and director, and I have really missed doing shows since having kids. I am also craving something of my own after so much time being a stay-at-home. My wonderful partner has been uber-supportive, and enthusiastically said he would be in charge of feeding our 3 yo DS and 15 mo DD and getting them to bed the 4 nights a week I'll be gone. Wow. Kind of a lot to take on after working a full day, but he has been insistent that he can handle it.
I came home early from rehearsal last night. As I walked in, I heard my DD crying forlornly, but in a muted way. I heard music playing on the computer. The whole house was dark. My partner was sitting at the desk, and said "She still awake." Yeah, I gathered. I walked toward the sound of her crying and saw that the bedroom door was shut. She was in her crib, in the dark, crying! She was shaking all over, and listlessly laying there, sobbing. It was heartbreaking! Our DS was asleep on the couch, not in his bed (also in the one bedroom.)
We have agreed since before our DS was born that we do NOT cry it out. We have always been in agreement that it breaks trust and hurts the child. We tried it once with him, and were horrified 5 minutes into it. Our DD has been harder to get down lately, and she has always been more vocal than DS was, but that doesn't mean you leave her alone in the dark to sob!
He has hinted lately that maybe that's the only way to get her to sleep - every kid is different after all. I have disagreed with him, and when we have tried putting her down to "self-soothe" I have sat with her and been close so she knows she's not alone.
I have 6 weeks of rehearsal, and we have been talking about me taking a 48 hour trip out of town in a couple of months to see a play I co-wrote produced in NYC. I really want to go on that trip, I really want to be in this play. But I am concerned about what might be happening at home without me, and it feels awful to not trust my DP to do the right thing by our kids!
We did not talk about it last night. He was so obviously ashamed, and I was so obviously angry. I emailed him after he left for work this morning, telling him I'm distressed, but I also understand being pushed to a point where it might be better if you aren't around the kid. I forgave him, and pleaded with him to please talk to me about this so we can decide together how to make this work.
Oh, I'm just so sad. I know one night of CIO won't do serious damage, but I also don't want his relationship with his daughter damaged. Any thoughts out there? Thanks for listening!