Questions about emotions

[midnightwriter]

Let's say you are upset about X, have been for several months, but been working on not being upset about it.

Then a reminder of X happens, and you still try not to be upset. Then a seemingly minor upsetting thing happens, and all of a sudden it is like the last straw, and big feelings come out? I know it does happen for some people, and it doesn't for others. What makes the difference?

Can one control the actual feelings or only their expressions?

If on can't control his / her feelings, does it mean one *Chooses* not to control  those feelings?

Why would some people see emotions as obstacles to finding the "truth"?

If someone thinks that emotions are not valid in themselves, because they are not 'truth', and is able to suppress emotions, can such a person understand an "emotional" person?

[azgirl]

Originally Posted by midnightwriter 

Let's say you are upset about X, have been for several months, but been working on not being upset about it.

Then a reminder of X happens, and you still try not to be upset. Then a seemingly minor upsetting thing happens, and all of a sudden it is like the last straw, and big feelings come out? I know it does happen for some people, and it doesn't for others. What makes the difference?

 

I will answer the easier part of the question first: it is our responsibility to figure out a way to express ourselves when something bothers us. It is really harmful to relationships and ourselves if we try to suppress or ignore feelings. So, a person who doesn't communicate feelings and lets them build up is responsible for the harm that causes a relationship. The last-straw blow-up thing happens to people who don't communicate things as they come up. (I tended to do this) Also, a person who does that is willing to "blow-up." I don't think it's okay to blow-up and throw an adult tantrum. It is something I used to do a lot. What changed ME into someone who didn't do that anymore was partly making a decision to...just not do it. Once I made a commitment to express myself calmly and in a non-blaming way it paved the way for me to feel confidant about expressing my frustration/hurt/anger as it happened and not try to suppress it.  For the most part it doesn't work to suppress emotions. A person's emotions are valid. They just are. If something bothers you, it is not okay for another person to decide you shouldn't be bothered. It isn't okay for us to decide another person's feelings aren't valid. It is up to us each to decide if a relationship is working for us...

Now, if I found myself or a loved one to be upset and angry all the time...I might want to explore why that was happening. But as I have gotten older I feel like constant anger, sadness and frustration is a signal that a person is not expressing their needs in constructive way, if that makes sense. Sometimes someone else IS the problem :)

[azgirl]

Why would some people see emotions as obstacles to finding the "truth"?

If someone thinks that emotions are not valid in themselves, because they are not 'truth', and is able to suppress emotions, can such a person understand an "emotional" person?

This is just too vague for me to answer...

Define "emotion" and define "emotional person"

I know I "feel" something before I can put it into words, it's the way my brain works. BUT I can, in the midst of a calm respectful conversation usually tease out what "truths" let to me me "feeling" something. Can you be more specific?

It can be quite an insult to label someone "emotional" or to label someone "not emotional" It also keeps people from having to respect and consider the other person's perspective...

These things are hard to talk about in the abstract...

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by azgirl 

 For the most part it doesn't work to suppress emotions. A person's emotions are valid. They just are.

Agreed. There are healthy ways to release emotions, and different ways work better for different people. I'm a very physical person who likes to express myself in writing -- so I release a lot of emotions by practicing yoga and by writing my strong feelings down and then burning them. There are really limitless options.

Some people seem to suppress their emotions VERY well, but if you watch them, you'll see that those emotions often comes out in negative ways, such as addictions or physical illness.

We can impact our emotions in very gentle ways, starting by owning exactly how we feel right now without judgment, working through negative feelings, and taking time every day to practice gratitude and to see the beauty all around us. It's not that we can decide to be happy and just make ourselves happy, but we do have control over many things that can allow happiness to bloom in our lives.

just curious -- who in your life is telling you that how you feel isn't OK, and what do they have to lose by validating your emotions? What would they have to change if your feelings were valid?
 

[Galatea]

You can't stuff emotions for forever.  It doesn't work and it will come out.

If you are married to the stuffer, you can't force them to change - you just have to learn how to protect yourself and not get sucked into this idea that you expressing your emotions is immature or bad.  There are a million different ways to be a human being, and we rarely can force others to change, even if it would be good for them.