7 year old and so uncomfortable :o(

[lily sophia's mom]

I've always known my girl was a bit sensitive, lacks confidence in new situations, and can be very shy.  Her occasional habit of suddenly changing her voice, bending her arms at the elbow & letting her hands drop, and turning her normally graceful walk into a bit of a waddle is not unfamiliar to me.  I see it when she thinks she's on the spot but is excited about what she's going to show you or what's going on.  But it comeas across as being painfully uncomfortable in her skin. 

However today was painful for me.  Her class had "student-led conferences" instead of the old drill of having parents visit with a teacher while poring over a report card.  She was so excited and so was I...it's a chance for her students to show what kinds of things she does in school, have us be on the spot a bit for some new skills, and show off some of her accomplishments.  She was well prepared and I'd heard about if all week.  Also, there weren't many students in the room...maybe three others, all good friends of hers, in other areas of the room with their parents. 

Anyway...she launched into that uncomfortable waddling routine and could NOT quit.  I stopped her while we were in the hall, gave her a big hug, and said "you know it's just us and we love you no matter what.  You can just talk like yourself," which worked for about 5 minutes.  It's almost like she suddenly becomes keenly aware of herself and feels as though all eyes are on her and gets nervous.  And then, the awkwardness sets in.  I know this feeling well, having had it myself, but it took becoming an adult to get over it and I in no way want this for her.  The problem is, the more aware a child is of it, the more obvious they become and it's a terrible cycle of awareness--awkwardness--obviousness--awareness.....

Here's the thing...in her own way, she shines in the limelight... we watch the plays and little ballet routines she and her friends cook up all of the time, and with her group of friends at recess (I actually get to see this because of my job, but am not out there with her), she's generally one of the leaders of the pretty big group of kids she plays with.  She's involved in self-chosen activities that she has to work at but is good at too, so she does have earned accomplishments and not just random praise.  She also has a great balance....at least 3 days out of 5 per week, she has nothing else going on and can just be a neighborhood kid playing outside with friends afterschool (we live in an uncommonly safe area) or doing things at home.  I know she's not overscheduled. 

WHAT CAN I DO?  This has gone on so long that I know she's truly uncomfortable in her own skin in many situations.  This one was just the highlight.  It's not just because of the situation...this situation just brought it to light.  Her patterns even happen when we're just walking past someone she knows in the store or something, too.

Sorry so long.  Even if I didn't explain it well, she's truly uncomfortable and lacking some kind of sense of herself, and my heart is breaking for her.  I don't know how to help her. 

[les_oiseau]

I went through a lot of this kind of thing and actually still do. I'm 25. Maybe it's just something some people have to deal with and maybe their whole lives. My mom is ver 40 and still deals with this (more than me, now). The "acting" ackward is maybe more pronounced to you because you have gone through it and remember being humiliated by how uncomfortable you acted and how obvious it was, when in reality I'll bet most people don't take too much notive of it at all. Maybe if you focus less on the actions that show her discomfort it would make it easier for you to see how to help her.

I have found the same thing to be true for my mother and I; we will take extra notice of each other's discomforts on this while others don't notice anything.

[hakeber]

  Didn't want to read this an not respond, even though I have no advice at all.  All I can say is that my son shows signs at times of the social awkwardness I faced as a kid and it makes me so sad and feel this awful sense of dread that he might have to face the horror of my childhood years himself...but as you say yourself, she ALSO has really great moments.  My DS does too.

I try to ignore (stealthily) the awkwardness (like you said it only makes it worse) and just keep it at the back of my mind, but try to focus instead on the moment of total social confidence and moments when he is truly his awesome self.

I find DS does this sort of thing less and less, but everytime he fake laughs or does this stupid weird tongue out smile thing around his friends I totally cringe.

DH says I make a big deal out of it because I was sort of a social nerd.  He was mister popular in school and he assures me these are all normal things and the bigger deal I make out of it the worse it will be...It's so hard though!

[One_Girl]

Is it possible that she is so excited about what is going on that she has a hard time controlling her body?  My dd gets like that when she is going to do something she looks forward to, whether it is speaking in front of people or seeing extended family but it isn't at all an awkward thing for her.  She just gets so excited that her body gets everywhere.  I am sure my dd will grow out of it or learn to control it when she takes speech in junior high so I just let her be herself.  Even if it is an awkward thing it isn't something she is alone in, even as adults most people have a twitch of some sort that they get when in front of people.  My college speech professor said he usually videotaped people and showed them the twitches so they could be more aware of them.  One guy even stood on one foot while speaking and didn't realize he did that until he saw the tape.  I think you should try to let it go for now and focus on paying attention to her words instead of her awkwardness.

[LynnS6]

Does anyone other than you notice it? Our son has, for lack of a better word, a bunch of little 'tics' that come out when he's stressed or nervous. He's got some sensory issues (SPD that we treated with occupational therapy) but I think these are the vestiges. I find myself watching him like a hawk in public performance kind of situations because I don't want him to be embarrassed. But you know what? Other people don't really notice or care. Ds doesn't notice or care. So, I'm trying to relax.

As someone else suggested, I wonder if she needs a physical outlet for her nerves. First, I'd find out, if you can, how she feels during these times. Is she bothered? What does feeling nervous feel like to her? You can't take away her nervousness, you can only do your best to help her develop tools to deal with it. Maybe have a fidgit toy or a squeeze ball would help. Long term, things like yoga, martial arts or dance might help her develop physical poise and capabilities.

[Subhuti]

Your own irritation and concern about it seems to be the problem, not your daughter's mild ways of handling the spotlight.

I really would back off and look at why her behavior bothers you so much. It's not rude, it's not hurting anyone, she is 7. Give her some space otherwise you will really make her self conscious.

[lily sophia's mom]

Thanks for everybody.  Lots to think about. Gina

[K1329]

Originally Posted by Subhuti 

Your own irritation and concern about it seems to be the problem, not your daughter's mild ways of handling the spotlight.

I really would back off and look at why her behavior bothers you so much. It's not rude, it's not hurting anyone, she is 7. Give her some space otherwise you will really make her self conscious.

Having a 7 yo dd with similar issues, I suspect you're looking for ways to boost her self confidence, and not, as the pp stated, looking to add to, or be part of, the problem.
It's tough to watch our kids have a rough time socially. My dd came home crying because she froze and couldn't talk in front of the class recently. Like you, I've been looking for ways to help her. Bought us each some books to read & i encourage her in any way I can.I do, however, think it's a process, and takes time. Each year my dd seems to gain more confidence in social situations - I've been proud of her. Over time, your dd will probably get more comfortable in those situations, too.
Hopefully, you'll get some constructive advice; best wishes for you & your dd.

[lily sophia's mom]

That is true (K1329)...I really don't want to make it worse with my own fretting over it.  The thing is, if she were just being silly or acting different from other kids (even different enough to stand out in an odd way), it might be pesky but not worrisome.  Yet, I know that it is an outward display of her own internal anxieties. 

A couple of people have suggested (and I've appreciated it) that I'm more aware than she is of it, but that's just the problem...she is acutely aware of it...this is where my worries lie.  She's not aware that she skips when others walk or that tying a big bow on top of her head isn't quite the same as a headband , but this is just her own walking to her tune and who cares?  But she IS overly aware of when she's being noticed, even when she's not really being noticed.  And then the awkwardness starts.  I just feel sad for her to be experiencing this. 

She does do yoga in the summers and it seems to be the perfect fit for her...we sometimes do it at home, but should work that in more regularly.  She's also in ballet and is quite graceful...was actually moved up into a more advanced class by the teacher ahead of the group, and when she's had recitals you would never have known she can be the shy girl.  It's just in these more intimate social situations that it becomes so glaring. 

Anyway, I am really appreciating all of your suggestions and would welcome any more thoughts...

Gina

[K1329]

I do agree with the pps who state that minimizing it as an issue might be a good approach. That occasionally feeling self conscious is normal and that, with practice, we all learn how to navigate social situations and gain more confidence. I've told my dd that feeling shy in some situations is normal, and that everyone experiences it to varying degrees, some more than others.
The American Girl book series has a few books aimed at the 8 yo girl set that target confidence, friends, & other topics. I'm trying to find other books that might contain some tips for her, too.