Pulling out of school because of bullying??? - Page 2

[Picard]

I would pull my child out of that school. I too was bullied; pulled out of school and taken to a new school where I was bullied again. I'm certain that it has had far-reaching repercussions for me. I still struggle with low self-esteem and other issues. Your son is too precious!

[sraplayas]

I've been reading these posts and just want to send a hug to you, mama!

[prancie]

From reading your posts I have a couple of thoughts.  #1, i don't think a 5 year old boy should have to go out in the world and defend himself.  If he were 9 or 12 I would say teach him to box so he can knock that kid flat on his butt.  But he's 5.  Some marital arts training (which I think you should consider) would probably boost his confidence and give him some self defense techniques, but won't help him in the short run. 

#2, I suspect that the other mother is more difficult than you and the principal wants you to not have a problem because dealing with this other mother would raise some issues, perhaps even perceived racial issues if these kids are african-american.  Obviously there are no real racial issues, but some people are quick to pull the discrimination card.  Regardless, dealing with the other mother is, for whatever reason, far more complicated than intimidating you into submission.  

Finally, in your telling of events I notices that you and your son sound very similar.  You both seem to be easily intimidated.  Maybe it's just the language barrier, maybe it's personality, but you dealing with your own issues of self-confidence might help your son.  I'd bet that your DH could give you some insight, you may have heard many times from him that you are raising your son to be soft...if you have, listen to him.  If I'm wrong, forgive me.  

[pigpokey]

Public tax funded education cannot stop a taxpayer who poses no threat from observing the process.

Also as a parent, I would never put my child in an institution where I was not welcome at any time, with the POSSIBLE exception of resident summer camp, but I will have to think on that one.

[Disco Infiltrator]

Originally Posted by tittipeitto 

And I hear an echo in my head, oh, you cant take him out of school, he'll never learn how to deal with bullies and he'll be teased again in next school. But seriously he is 5, how do you tell him to deal with it. 

No five year old should learn how to deal with bullies.  They simply aren't equipped to understand the situation, or to cope with it, which is why so many playgrounds turn into mini Lord of the Flies.  This is why I'm not sending my kids to school at all.  I refuse to have my four year old son exposed to a situation like this without me directly by his side.  As he gets older, I will be able to step away and work with him on dealing with people who are mean, spiteful, ill-intentioned, and he will be more and more able.  But not at four or five years old.  I if you can do it, pulling him out would be in his best interest, then work on finding an environment that works, homeschool or unschool.  Trust your instincts on this one, not all the voices around you echoing in your head.  Best of luck.   

[purplerose]

I was bullied all through school, was very uncool and quiet. I wish my parents had done something but that was part of life and school :( I can tell you, though, my children have been homeschooled their whole lives, I have two teenagers and they have NO PROBLEM standing up to bullies. One even stands up for other kids being bullied.(very outspoken child!) They have very busy social lives and have always been involved in various groups so they have encountered plenty of bullying behaviour, including the girl-drama that's famous around the pre-teen and early-teen years. Watching them go through these situations makes me so proud of them for how well they handle other kids. (and the majority of the bullying goes on between school-kids, not homeschooled kids, but the girl drama stuff is everywhere).

Bullying should NOT be a normal part of life...I HATE hearing people rationalize it that way. Most adults who encounter that type of behavior on the job will get it taken care of, either personally or by reporting it to HR. Bullying is not allowed in real life; it shouldn't be allowed in school, either, and if no one else will handle it then it's our job as parents to take care of it however possible.

[DariusMom]

 My son was excluded at school .He was the artistic quirky kid in a class full of soccer playing boys. We did our best, but when it escalated to real exclusion (kids telling other kids not to play with him) and physical aggression, we moved him. He is much much happier where he is. He's never gonna' be the most popular boy in the class, but he feels that he fits in and he doesn't feel excluded or bullied. If moving is an option for you all, I'd take it!

[arlenemad]

I really hate bullies! They scare the heck out of other kids and they have no idea how much they impact the lives of those that they bully. HOWEVER, let us put into consideration that the bullies in this story are also children with their own personal issues. I'm sure they're feeling a lot of insecurity and depression too which causes them to act out the way that they do. Although, their parents should be made aware of what's happening and given clear instructions for them to do something about it (see http://www.growingupchildren.com). 

I'm sure your kid is a good and smart angel. All that I wish now is for you to continually give him support. If I were you, I'd fight to get the bullies out of school. I wouldn't give in pull my kid out. It's not his fault. 

[tittipeitto]

Now a year later! Thank you all for your awesome helpful and supportive replies. I did the craziest thing and just pulled him out of school, told them I will homeschool for now, and enrolled him in our own neighborhood school next fall. 

Don't know if I shared it here before, but he had simultaneously with the bullying developed this fear of death, he thought his heart was going to stop beating etc... After pulling him out of school , all those fears and "heartproblems" ended. We had some playdates with his best friends from the class, so that he wouldn't feel like the whole school is just a nightmarish past.

Going to a new school next fall was hard for him, he played with no-one during the recess on the first week, although I was miserable for him and it felt too long.. i think it was by wednesday that he found his "best" friend, and by following week he was friends with everyone. 

I love how the new school was sensitive to this, and because I told the principal our reason for transferring, our teacher had read a book about bullying on the forst day of school. It meant a lot to my son, especially since a kid that looked just like his old bully, had said with passion, that he'd never, ever bully someone. And it's been true, it took my son a while before he could feel comfortable with the boy he thought looked the same, but quite soon he had proven his fears wrong, and they became friends.

This new school is nowhere as high performing as his old school, and my husband still complains about that. But we could not be happier, this new school just has the greatest parents, principal and atmosphere!

[LynnS6]

That's a great update!

Tell your husband that it doesn't matter how high performing the school is. Your child won't learn if he's under that much stress. Furthermore, it's what goes on at home that really matters for elementary school, for the most part. My kids go to an "underperforming" school -- 80% free/reduced lunch, ~70% don't speak English as their first language. Test scores are so-so. But, we've had excellent teachers, an amazing discipline system that focuses on the positive, and bullying is an absolute minimum. If it's discovered, they address it immediately.  For example, they recently assigned seats to all the kids on the bus because they were having some behavior issues, which included bullying. They separated the bullies, and they made it possible for the bus drivers to immediately identify the trouble makers. In addition, the school counselor goes into every class weekly to work on social skills and reinforce the ideas of being kind, safe and respectful. The kids may not be the highest achieving, but they're nice kids. And none of "test score" stuff has held my kids back -- both of whom are working well above grade level.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by tittipeitto 

This new school is nowhere as high performing as his old school, and my husband still complains about that. But we could not be happier, this new school just has the greatest parents, principal and atmosphere!

The school we pulled DS from was also one of the best performing schools around and every parent wanted to go there. His new school . .. actually overall bad reports (though they're working hard on it!). Great atmosphere, lovely kids and families. DS fit in immediately and loves it. We're so glad we made the switch!

I'm very very happy for you and your child. What a great update!

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

That's a great update!

Tell your husband that it doesn't matter how high performing the school is. Your child won't learn if he's under that much stress. Furthermore, it's what goes on at home that really matters for elementary school, for the most part. My kids go to an "underperforming" school -- 80% free/reduced lunch, ~70% don't speak English as their first language. Test scores are so-so. But, we've had excellent teachers, an amazing discipline system that focuses on the positive, and bullying is an absolute minimum. If it's discovered, they address it immediately.  For example, they recently assigned seats to all the kids on the bus because they were having some behavior issues, which included bullying. They separated the bullies, and they made it possible for the bus drivers to immediately identify the trouble makers. In addition, the school counselor goes into every class weekly to work on social skills and reinforce the ideas of being kind, safe and respectful. The kids may not be the highest achieving, but they're nice kids. And none of "test score" stuff has held my kids back -- both of whom are working well above grade level.

Tried to multi-quote above but it didn't work.

Anyway, DS' "new" school is a bit like this. (He's been there since Nov. 2010, though, so it's not so new anymore! ) Anyway, after having lived through DS being so unhappy, excluded, and just generally losing confidence in himself, I stopped caring about how the school performed on standaridized tests, etc. I cared about the atmosphere and the overall values being taught and modeled at the school. Of course, I want DS to learn all the academic stuff (and he does! He got top scores on all the standaridized tests except for spelling) but we read to him at home, go to the library and museums regularly, travel, are a bilingual family and so forth. So he gets that enrichment at home anyway. I want him to be happy at school and feel that the rest will follow.

Anyway, OP, so so glad things are working out!