Not divorced yet, but pregnant and engaged.. stbx issues

[SierraBella]

Hi everyone. I don't know how to explain my situation, but hoping for some advice and/or experiences. 

I filed for divorce in Nov. the day that I filed, he got a protective order against me (under false accusations), which kicked me out of my house and away from our children (one of whom was still nursing) for 2 weeks. We had just moved to a new city to go to school, and I only had one local phone number to call.. a study friend from school. So, I ended up staying with him for those 2 weeks, and he was wonderful, respectful, and we became the best of friends over that time. I moved back home after court (stbx moved in with his mom), and my friend and I started dating a few weeks after that...

Fast forward to now.. We are sooo very much in love.. he is still wonderful, respectful and kind. My kids love him, he has been there for me in every way.. and now I am pregnant and we are engaged.

However, stbx and I are still not divorced.. he's been dragging it out in court.. he's rescheduled mediations to push them back, and this last one he canceled completely. He claimed our kids on his tax return and won't give me half of the return (and he KNOWS that I was counting on that money to keep a roof over my head, as I am a full time student and can't get a job right now). DF and I have been unofficially living together (he has his own place but stays with me), and we just signed a lease to get a place together.

Well.. stbx, is emotionally abusive and very crazy. He still tells everyone I am his wife. He posts on his facebook that his wife is having an adulterous affair.. and his wife is pregnant with someone else's baby... he stole all "our" money, filed that protective order to get back at me for filing for divorce and to kick me out of the house so that he could take whatever he wanted.. and to get a free attorney.. fired that attorney because he wouldn't go along with his plan to take the kids from me.. is trying to get sole custody of the kids and accusing me of neglect. And now.. I got a motion for temporary orders that he is trying to make it so that DF cannot be around the kids at all.. and over nights, that DF can't drive my car, and that I have to have his written permission to drive out of state! WTF! Why does he feel like he has to treat me like a 17 yr old! (Something that was an issue our entire marriage, actually it should come as no surprise).

So, now, here I am.. in love with the most wonderful man I've ever met, we're having a baby together, my children adore him... he IS going to be their step father.. and my stbx is trying to do everything he can to tear us apart, break us up, keep him away from me and our children.. AND he is still trying to get sole custody of the kids (youngest is STILL nursing, even after all of this). He keeps dragging the divorce out as much as he can.

Anyway.. we're going to have to go to court over the temp motion.. and I am so scared. I can't NOT live with DF. I don't have an income- he's been wonderful to help take care of us through all of this.. I can't get a job because I am having complications with this pregnancy, we have a lease together, and we ARE going to get married.. as SOON as the divorce is final. We would be married already if we could.. but stbx is dragging his feet on everything.

I'm scared.. feeling hopeless, and angry, and could really use some hugs, experience, and advice.

Edited by SierraBella - 4/23/11 at 8:20am

[Lula's Mom]

((hugs)) I'm sorry, I know this is all very stressful.  I kind of went the same route when ex-DH and I split up.  I fell in love with someone else and got pregnant before we were divorced.

I don't know where you are and if the law is the same there as it is in Georgia.  But I have to tell you something stressful that might be the case, and so you need to look up the law where you live.  I found out that because I was still legally married when I got pregnant, that baby was legally considered to be my husband's, not my DF's.  My choices were to put my husband's name on the birth certificate (NO!) or leave it blank as if my baby had no father, so I left it blank.  I was however able to give my baby DF's last name (the lady at the courthouse said "You can name him 'George Bush' if you want to.") ay yi yi.

Then we had to go to court to legitimize my son (omg, the pain of that legal term!) and list my DF as his real father on the b.c.  Oh, and I guess the judge at that time did not make a specific order that my ex's name be removed from the birth certificate (even though it wasn't on there...)  So then when we went before the judge to get divorced, the new judge insisted on having a paper that specifically listed my husband as not  the father (even though there was now a paper that said DF is the father).  Otherwise ex-DH would have been responsible for child support for ds.  So my lawyer had to go back to the first judge in a different county and ask for that. Court is so very complicated IME.

Anyway hopefully this is not the case in your state, but if it is, I don't want you to be blindsided in court about it.  I am sure everything will work out.  I don't see how there would be grounds to keep your DF away from you and the kids. 

[SierraBella]

Thanks Kristi.. wow, I have no idea what the laws are in my state.. I am in a VERY conservative state however, and I will likely have a very conservative judge who looks harshly on co-habitation. There is no law against paramours, my lawyer says it is pretty much up to the judge.

I'm going to have to look into the laws about if stbx could be considered the "father".. I have no idea why he would, there is no way I would want him to have anything to do with this little one! If he ended up having to pay child support would he be entitled to visitation too?!!

[aricha]

Originally Posted by SierraBella 

I'm going to have to look into the laws about if stbx could be considered the "father".. I have no idea why he would, there is no way I would want him to have anything to do with this little one! If he ended up having to pay child support would he be entitled to visitation too?!!

Yup... If they consider him the father, they consider him the father. It should be easy to find the information online. If you have a lawyer, s/he should know whether or not that is the law in your state.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by SierraBella 

I'm going to have to look into the laws about if stbx could be considered the "father".. I have no idea why he would, there is no way I would want him to have anything to do with this little one! If he ended up having to pay child support would he be entitled to visitation too?!!

In most states, maybe all, if you are married during your first trimester, your husband at that time automatically goes on the birth certificate as being the father.  Your fiance will be able to petition the court for paternity however, and if he is the actual bio father, he can be put on the BC (I believe).  I don't know how all that works at all, but your husband will most likely be put on the birth certificate since you're technically still married.

[bobandjess99]

I'm sorry to tell you your stbx is almost certainly legally considered the father of your child, and you getting pregnant during the divorce proceedings is going to make things much harder.  For example..you won't be able to get divorced now, until after you deliver, most likely.  Most states wont divorce a pregnant woman.  You haven't shared your state (which is fine :)  ) so i cant look it up for you for sure.  I will also tell you that my husbands ex was able to drag out his divorce for 3 and a half YEARS.  Not what you wanted to hear, i know.  But the sucky fact is, if one party wants to, they can totally make a divorce last FOREVER.  The only good advice i can give is you have to get a good lawyer, and you have to push, push, push for things to go as quickly as possible.  But you are going to be constrained by the laws of your state.  

*IF* you were very close to a final divorce agreement being in place, I would maybe even advise you to lie and not admit your pregnancy (hey, lots of women don't know until they are 4-5 months) in order to make things just GO and get done, so you can move on....but since it doesn't sound like you are even close, i doubt you could hide the pregnancy for as long as its going to take to get a final decree.  

[khaoskat]

Yes, being pregnant MAY hamper or lengthen the proceedings.  BUT, some states or counties within a state will allow the divorce to go forward if BOTH parties agree that he is NOT the biological Father.  My SIL was 9 days away from her child being born when their final divorce hearing was held, and the papers signed and submitted to the Judge.

Also, after birth, DNA testing can be requested to prove that he is not the Father, it may lengthen the proceedings by about 6 weeks beyond birth.  But you can have the baby tested right there in the hospital many times.

Also, you do not have to allow him to the birth either...so he cannot try to worm his way into that.

[StephandOwen]

Just a quick warning that when you find out what Judge you will have, I would really do some research on his/her feelings on cohabitation. There are some Judge's who would really really not like your situation (and you do not want to piss off a Judge). Trust me- I just went through this where ex took me to court and, among other things, told the Judge that ds and I were living with my fiance (and we had been together for years, not months!). The Judge's reaction (outside of the court, to my lawyer) was that "she better be married before she steps foot in my courtroom again". We were able to delay the court date until after we were married (we had already set the date so it wasn't like we weren't going to get married.... just trying to avoid being in front of the Judge until we were married!). I did find out that after our initial custody hearing (way back in 2004), this particular Judge started automatically putting in every custody order that comes through his court that overnight guests of the opposite sex (unrelated to the child) were strictly forbidden. This includes a boyfriend/fiance/whatever.

I hate to say it, but the fact you are pregnant already (after only filing for divorce 5 months ago) is not going to help you. It might be wise to try and let as few people know about it as possible for now. Does your ex know?

[SierraBella]

Well, it's too late on him knowing about it. I tried to look up if my state allows getting divorced while pregnant, but i can't find anything. 

[sapphire_chan]

Even when the child is the husband's a lot of abuse starts during pregnancy, so forbidding divorce to pregnant women is utterly stupid.

Not saying that I don't believe states would have that sort of asinine law, just expressing shock at how horrible an idea that sort of law would be.

[mtiger]

Well.. Realistically speaking, you are still married, so you are committing adultery and your husband will be legally considered the father of the child you're carrying. You don't say what state you're in, but there are states (particularly the more conservative ones) that will deem any child born within some number of months after the divorce to be his child.

I would urge you to talk to your current SO about filing for paternity testing as soon as possible after the child's birth. And expect to have your husband fight you tooth and nail for custody of the kids you share. He has a decent shot at gaining it. You really should consider how you can pay for an attorney.

[mommelissax5]

SierraBella:  

I'm so sorry you have to deal with these issues...  it's heartbreaking when all you want is to be the best mother you can be, for your children to be healthy and happy, and to love and be loved -- and it is thwarted by an adult who is acting like a child.  

I was in a similar situation -- had filed for divorce, met my current DH, my two children and I had moved into his home, conceived our daughter (now almost 14 1/2 months old) before the divorce was final.  I was fortunate, though, that my ex and I filed for divorce jointly and the only hold up on the finalizing of the divorce was the court system.  My current DH and I were married one week after my divorce was finalized -- and four months before our daughter was born.  I do realize that I am very lucky it all turned out the way it did.

I would urge you to look up the laws in your State (even if you have an attorney, do it on your own).  I would also urge you to fight tooth and nail for what is "right."  Your soon to be ex is clearly having serious issues moving on, and perhaps that needs to be brought to the court's attention.  Is he in therapy?  Does he have any official diagnosis that could perhaps explain the way he is acting?  When things can be worked out amicably, that is obviously the best for everyone involved (especially the kiddos).  But when one party is being absolutely unreasonable, and your children are being affected, the gloves come off.

Also - in response to mtiger's post:  while she is right that most States have laws about "any child born within some number of months" of divorce is considered to be the first husband's child -- and that needs to be fought --  I do not believe that your stbx has a "decent shot at gaining" custody of your shared children simply because of the issues at hand.  In fact, seems to me that he is the one behaving erratically and he seems to be at least somewhat unstable...  is that really in the children's best interest?  "Best interest" is what the court uses to determine custody/visitation/parenting time -- someone would have to prove WAAAAY beyond any type of reasonable doubt that a mother was continually abusive, neglectful, etc. in order for a Court to "give" the kids to the ex.  Co-habitating with and carrying a man's child AFTER YOU'VE FILED for divorce shows nothing of abuse or neglect.  In fact, seeing as the kids love your DF, I would say you are doing a good job watching out for their best interest, at least in terms of who is an important figure in their lives.  You are also furthering your education to make a better life for you and for them.  How is that wrong?

"Adultery" (whether it can actually be seen that way in your instance - defined, perhaps; viewed that way in Court, another story) that has not had a negative impact on the children has NOTHING TO DO with custody of the kids.

Best of luck - and chin up!  You have a wonderful person loving you and a wonderful new life to celebrate!

[Marissamom]

I know that in my state, which is not particularly conservative, if the mother is married at any point during the pregnancy the man she was married to is assumed the father and has to file a legal form stating that he is not, and the mother and real father have to sign a paternity afidavit to get the real father named on the birth certificate. 

[SierraBella]

Originally Posted by Marissamom 

I know that in my state, which is not particularly conservative, if the mother is married at any point during the pregnancy the man she was married to is assumed the father and has to file a legal form stating that he is not, and the mother and real father have to sign a paternity afidavit to get the real father named on the birth certificate. 

I think it can be done this way in my state. If me, X, and DF sign a statement of paternity then it should be taken care of. If X won't sign it for some reason (I think he would though because he will want nothing to do with this child), then a paternity test once baby is born.

I think as long as the statement is signed the courts would allow me to get divorced, but I don't know if they would otherwise. I can't find any information about divorcing while pregnant in my state.

I have a meeting with my lawyer tomorrow.

[kawa kamuri]

I was married to someone who was not the father of my third child when said child was conceived and born. We had no issues. It didn't delay the divorce and the father had to, like any unmarried man, sign an affidavit of parentage to be on the birth certificate. No paternity test was needed. No one questioned anything.  

Best of luck and congratulations on your pregnancy and new love!  

[aricha]

The reason behind the presumption of paternity going to the husband is that the state believes it is in the child's best interest to have two parents. If two people are married, there is a presumption that those two people would be the parents. If that is not the case, as long as the adults provide the state with the two actual parents and both parents acknowledge legal responsibility for the child, it shouldn't be that much of an issue. The state just wants to ensure that two parents are legally responsible for the child. It is in the state's best interest that they can hold both parents accountable for supporting the child, theoretically reducing the likelihood that the state will have to support the child. 

The other logical reason behind the presumption that the husband is the father is so that every father doesn't have to sign something that says he is, indeed, the child's parent... the state just assumes that if a man and woman are married, they are the child's parents. In the vast majority of cases, this presumption is accurate, and it keeps most people most of the time from having to sign what would seem like ridiculous paperwork declaring paternity. 

[carriemama]

I was in your shoes, though the divorce was final before my baby was born. I didn't tell the lawyers I was pregnant (though my ex knew), it wasn't an issue during the divorce proceeding (no one ever asked if I was pregnant), but we had a very low conflict divorce so it's probably quite different. I'm not married to my baby's father, and had to fill out some extra paperwork at the hospital, but there were options to check for the birth certificate forms: married and the father is husband, married and father is not husband, not married, etc. So at least in my state (PA) there were ways to account for the parentage of the baby in the birth certificate paperwork. I freaked out about this too, but luckily it was not an issue. Not sure if that's helpful or not, since it does seem to vary so much by state.

[Avani]

My divorce is still sitting in court, 4 years and counting. My ex is having a great time dragging it on and on. It would be very, very hard for your ex to make it so you can't live with your  new man. He would have to have some concrete proof that your new man is abusive, a criminal, etc. and would be a danger to your children in order to make that happen. As far as going out of state that is pretty normal to have a restriction on leaving the state with the children during divorce proceedings.

[SierraBella]

Originally Posted by Avani 

My divorce is still sitting in court, 4 years and counting. My ex is having a great time dragging it on and on. It would be very, very hard for your ex to make it so you can't live with your  new man. He would have to have some concrete proof that your new man is abusive, a criminal, etc. and would be a danger to your children in order to make that happen. As far as going out of state that is pretty normal to have a restriction on leaving the state with the children during divorce proceedings.

He is not trying to restrict me from taking the children out of state.. he is trying to stop me from taking MY CAR out of state.

Sorry to hear that it's been 4 years.. OMG! I hope I don't have to wait that long. My lawyer said it could be another year from now for me.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by SierraBella 

He is not trying to restrict me from taking the children out of state.. he is trying to stop me from taking MY CAR out of state.

Sorry to hear that it's been 4 years.. OMG! I hope I don't have to wait that long. My lawyer said it could be another year from now for me.

Well, good luck to him, b/c no judge will restrict your movement, unless it actually involves children of the marriage.  They won't do that (unless its Avani's old judge, who was the worst judge in the ENTIRE world, of that I'm completely convinced).