weaning 3 year old during pregnancy -- start as early as possible, or wait for milk to dry up?

[indigosky]

I am 5 weeks pregnant. DD will be 4 year old when the baby arrives. She is still a VERY enthusiastic nurser. For a number of reasons, I've decided to do mother-led weaning before the baby is born. (If she did child-led weaning on her own before then, that would be even better, but I would be surprised to see this happen given how important it is to her.)

I am worried that if she weans too close to the time #2 is born, she will (a) blame the baby for the fact that she's no longer allowed to nurse, and/or (b) start nursing again when she sees me sitting and nursing frequently.

My tentative plan is to do a gradual process of eliminating one nursing at a a time (first midday, then before bed, then morning, which is her favorite), at least a few weeks apart, until there are no more left. We'll probably mark her calendar for each upcoming change so she can see it coming and have time to process it -- this approach has worked really well for us for other big changes (nightweaning, next steps in potty learning, etc).

My question is, am I better off starting as early as possible? Or would I be foolish to start in the first trimester when my milk drying up in the second trimester could change her own interest in nursing? I'm not clear on whether kids as old as she is typically self-wean when the milk dries up, or whether they're less likely to because for them nursing isn't that much about milk.

I feel pretty guilty about weaning for my own needs rather than hers. On the other hand, I think nursing to age 3 1/2 is a pretty generous, reasonable amount of time to nurse. Even though I fear this will be hard for her, I've given the matter a lot of thought and I honestly think that tandem nursing would be even harder for her.

[D_McG]

I would do it ASAP but for me nursing in pregnancy was so awful. Just so, so awful I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. I wanted the biggest break I could get where my boobs were my own. I weaned my son (DC#1) by the end of my first trimester and my DD before I even got pregnant again.

[texmati]

IME, I would wait. My son was much much much younger (far to young), but weaning from teh breast was painless for him and felt natural during pregnancy.

[dejagerw]

I would also say to wait. You could try to start, but really it will be MUCH easier once your milk goes away. Your supply will likely start dwindling, which will actually cause your LO to nurse more at first. But a little later she will gradually become to lose interest. I wanted to tandem nurse, but I'm sure I could have weaned DS1 (who was boob obsessed) once the milk was gone. It would have been impossible at first though, and definitely not worth the hassle considering how much easier it would be once the milk was gone.

[hedgehogs4]

I'm not sure I agree, because she is nursing for comfort, not for milk.  My son never minded the diminishing supply, he just wanted to nurse.  I think that if you wean in the second or third trimester that is only a few months after DD weans and she may have a harder time.  She may ask no matter what, who knows?  My son and I transition to "touching bellies" instead of nursing and he still loves to do it as an almost 5 year old (he weaned at 44 months).  

[crayfishgirl]

Like a previous poster, I hated nursing when I was pregnant and wanted to claw my own face off (it got better after the 25th week or so).  My DD slowed down considerably (and I night weaned), but she never fully gave it up even when my milk was gone (and I didn't want to push too hard).  Now that baby is here and milk is abundant, she's full on nursing again (and would probably give up solids for booby if I let her....an issue that I'm struggling with).  

So, no really answer, but a suggestion that she might not wean on her own even if there isn't milk.

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by hedgehogs4 

I'm not sure I agree, because she is nursing for comfort, not for milk.  My son never minded the diminishing supply, he just wanted to nurse.

Originally Posted by crayfishgirl 

So, no really answer, but a suggestion that she might not wean on her own even if there isn't milk.

DS is not fully weaned, but I knew that with a new baby I would want a DRAMATIC reduction in the number of times per day that he nursed.  And when I came to that decision, I acted right away.  Obviously making it a gradual thing (dropping feedings, one at a time, like OP talked about).  And I am SO glad that I did it that way, because by about 15 weeks in, nursing was absolute torture.  I was so glad that I didn't wait until that torture point to try to start dropping feedings...  DS was a comfort nurser, so milk/no milk hasn't made the slightest skitch of difference in his nursing enthusiasm.  But by starting to drop feedings earlier, I was at a manageable 1-2 feedings per day when I entered into the pregnancy nursing that was really difficult.  If we had still been feeding 10-15 times per day at that point -- OOF!

I know that everyone has to do what's best for them.  For us, because DS was primarily a comfort/habit nurser, it seemed unlikely that a reduction in supply would change his enthusiasm.  So we went for curbing feedings right away.

[sip]

I would wait.  If it's that important to her to nurse, then she should be the one who gets to decide when to stop, even though it's a massive drag sometimes to nurse a three year old. It'd be taking away her favorite, cherished thing, right before the new baby comes barging into her life, which is traumatic for every first born in one way or another.  good luck.

[rparker]

If you definitely don't want to tandem nurse, I'd go with beginning a slow weaning process early on because it will be hard to wean once the baby arrives. My daughter was 2 when I became pregnant with her sister (I was not ready to wean her) and she happily nursed through the entire pregnancy... I don't think my milk ever went away completely. Once her sister was born her nursing frequency increased dramatically, at least in part because the milk was so much better. There are pros and cons to tandem nursing, but it definitely causes your nursing relationship to get a lot more complicated. 

[Rebeckam]

I'm currently Bf my 21 mo old and am 27 weeks preg. I was ready to scream with his nursing for much of 2nd trimester. But as with others he is enthusiastic and I plan to cont once little sis here. My supply has only recently gone back up and he did not seem to care much, except that we needed to make sure that he got enough food before bed so  he didn't stay latched for hrs not sleeping! I say this b/c you talked about waiting until supply decreased - this doesn't seem to matter too much for some babes.

Also, if you are planning on weaning anyway and want to wean on comfortable, relaxed terms, start sooner. One friend got nausous every time she nursed while preg so had to stop quickly.  And I cringed for a month or more b/c painful! The decreased supply was helpful to introduce sippy of water at night for us, and might be good time for weaning, but so many variables!!

Don't think there is a wrong, but may be a more comfortable way/time.

Good luck!

[RavenStar]

As with everything else, we're all different and sometimes you don't know for sure until you're living it.

When I was pregnant with our second daughter, I decided that tandem-nursing wasn't for me.  I knew I was going to wean during the pregnancy.  Nursing in the first trimester was quite painful because of the hormonal shift.  As my pregnancy progressed, my milk started dwindling.  Slowly we cut out nursing at certain times of day.  The last to go was bedtime, since that was her favorite.  It was really heartbreaking to take away her "favorite thing in the whole world".  She told me that mama milk tasted better than anything else.  She said it was even better than chocolate. :)  By the end she was totally dry nursing.  There was hardly anything left.  My nipples were so painful and raw.  For me, weaning was the best decision.

She was fully weaned the same month she turned three.  I was 4 months pregnant.  I wanted to give her some time before her sister came to get used to the idea.  She would cry at nap time and bedtime and ask to nurse.  This part was really sad.  We'd cuddle a lot and we still co-slept.

When her sister came, she asked to nurse again.  For me, I just couldn't.  She'd cry and yell.  She said "I'm mad because she's sucking on my boobie.  She can have that boobie. (pointing to the right one)  The other one is mine."  We had a lot of conversations about it.  She still remembered nursing (of course).  I offered for her to drink some of my milk in a cup.  One day she tried it.  She said "It doesn't taste the same."

She's five now and every once in a while will ask to try some again.  She asked me why it tasted different to her that day, not the way she remembered it.

I think we all have to find the path that is right for us.  Good luck making your decision, indigosky!

[weliveintheforest]

I would start right away.  You may not lose your milk supply, and if you do it may not deter her.

[kdaisy]

Another vote for starting early.  My milk never dried up.  It dwindled, but DS never slowed down.  I think you are right in thinking if your enthusiastic nurser is newly weaned there could be some resentment towards the baby.  I nursed DS on demand, each time my newborn nursed, and he still was jealous and resentful!

[Devaskyla]

I weaned my 2nd son during pregnancy with my 3rd. He was around 3 1/2 when he finally stopped. I didn't really set out to wean him, it was just so painful, that I limited him a lot and explained why (that it was hurting me). Around 16/18 weeks he mostly decided on his own to stop because he didn't like hurting me.

That strategy isn't working with my 2 1/2 year old, though. He's actually nursing far, far more than he did before I got pregnant. It's really frustrating.

[starling&diesel]

I'd say start early, because the milk drying up might not be a deterrent for your child. 

I had plans to start early, then no energy or real inclination to actually follow through with it.  I figured she'd lose interest when the milk dried up.  Nope.  She scaled back just a tad and hung in there until it returned.  So now I'll be crossing a different bridge at a different time.  I had low supply so doubt I can tandem nurse, but she knows that the baby will get the milk first. 

Good luck!