Long-distance driving with X

[meandmine]

Background:

• Three years ago X fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident on his way to pick up my children.  Fortunately, no one was hurt.
• Shortly before that, I was with him when he was driving and he repeatedly dozed off/went off the road until I insisted he pull over and I drove.   He was asleep within a minute.
• He has sleep apnea and uses a c-pap machine.
• He often falls asleep when visiting the children here at my house. 
• He has a very hard time waking up in the morning.

Our decree says he cannot drive with the children out of the metropolitan area without my written permission (I had that put in because of the sleep issue).

Dilemma:

He wants to take a 24 hour drive across country to his home state with the children (he'd take two 12 hour days)

Once there he wants to drive 1000s more miles, across three states, between the homes of families and friends and his birthplace

He does not have the money to buy airplane tickets

What I have proposed:

I will buy the plane tickets

He must arrange to have someone share the driving on any trips longer than an hour (his sisters are probably going to some of the events)

He is angry and says I am not being fair and "I have no legal right" (well, nevermind that last bit -- it is in our decree, sorry buddy), but still ...

Here's my question.  Am I being reasonable?  Would you wave goodbye to your children and let them drive 1/2 way across the country and then double that driving around three states and then reverse the 24 hour cross country trip with someone who has fallen asleep at the wheel and has documented sleep "issues?"

I feel almost certain there would be an accident and it could be fatal.

Thanks for your feedback.

M

[sparklefairy]

How is it that he even has a driver's license?

(Not that you're supposed to have fixed that -- just expressing dismay.)

[enjoythesilence]

Originally Posted by sparklefairy 

How is it that he even has a driver's license?

(Not that you're supposed to have fixed that -- just expressing dismay.)

That's what I was wondering. I would NOT let my children make that trip with someone in that situation. No way. I think you are being perfectly reasonable. And, since it's in your decree, you have that to back you up if he pushes the issue.

[minnowmomma]

No way! He can be as indignant as he wants but how would he feel if he got into an accident and one of the kids was thrown from the car and killed? How would you feel knowing you had ok'ed it? I think its very nice of you to offer to pay for the plane tickets but if he knew he would be taking this trip he should have planned in advance. Even if you get him to fly there who is going to stop him from doing all that driving once he is there? Is his family aware of his condition? Is the dmv? His condition makes him as dangerous on the road as a drunk driver.I think it is only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt,all you can do is make sure its not your kids.

[StephandOwen]

No way would I allow my children in that situation. He needs to find an alternative plan or the kids can't go. End of story.

And if he claims someone else will be doing the driving, I would insist on talking to that person myself.

[bananabee]

I have a sleep disorder and I know what life with it is like...what does he say about his condition? In 3 years, a lot can have changed with treatment of his sleep disorder so that he may think he can handle it. Even so, I wouldn't okay sending the kids off with him for such long drives. Offering to pay for plane tickets is extremely generous.

Personally, I don't drive more than half an hour at a time even with good treatment, and I would NEVER risk the safety of my children or anyone else's. My doctors have never reported me to the DMV because I make it clear that I don't drive when I know I shouldn't. Does he seem responsible like that, or more on the impulsive side?

[LessTraveledBy]

No way would I let my children go. I have no problems like your ex, and even then I would not plan to drive 12 hours a day. He needs to face the reality about his problem...

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

I have no problems like your ex, and even then I would not plan to drive 12 hours a day.

I was just thinking that. We drive to Florida (about 15 hours, 9 or 10 on the first day and 5 or 6 on the second day) and I wouldn't even dream of doing that alone. DH and I switch on and off along the trip. We also drive to Michigan a lot (7 hours each way) and usually we switch during the trip at some point (though I have done that one alone a lot too and it is do-able).

[meandmine]

Thank you SO much, mommas!  

I think he will come around (after a few nasty come backs, mind you).  

I already checked on airfare and he was surprised it wasn't outrageous.  He is going to check on the exact dates.  

Then I will call his sister/s and explain and get confirmation that for any long drives he will have an adult driver/companion.  I can't garuntee they will honor that commitment, but it is about the best I am going to get.  

The final thing will be to get a promise he will not drive across the state to visit his best friend (no sybling will want to take that round trip)--8 hours each way.  I know he wants to see his friend and family and the girls would want to, also, but it is too long a round-trip drive and would not be worth the risk.

Thanks again for confirming that I am being rational!

M