Nevermind.

[Magelet]

Nevermind. This is not a safe space for me to discuss this clearly. I appreciate your input, and will consider it, however this discussion is too triggering for me.
Edited by Magelet - 4/25/11 at 11:24pm

[syn_ack89]

I'm sorry that you are upset.

I think you have blurred the boundaries by accepting money for health care and schooling. I think you need to let it go.

[sanguine_speed]

I too would let it go.  Feel your feelings and work on moving forward.  Perhaps you can attribute to her the best possible intention in your efforts to let go.  Perhaps she did mean it supportively and used a poor choice of words.  Or perhaps she is concerned that she'll fund your college and end up squandering the money if you can't finish your program due to an unexpected pregnancy.  Or maybe she is genuinely concerned about your situation as you'll be in school and your DH is unemployed and didn't go about conveying it appropriately (or not at all).  With the blending of financial dependence it may be difficult to escape her unwelcome opinions about anything.

[pumpkin]

I think as long as your parents are paying your bills they have a vested interest in things that would otherwise be completely your decision. My DD will be getting strong birth control messages from me until she has reached the point in life where she can take care of herself and a child. It isn't a boundary violation, it's just basic parenting.

[PlayaMama]

http://www.womenscommunityclinic.org/

if you are in san francisco you can take responsibilty for your own reproductive health care and not involve your mother. this place is great! 

[treeoflife3]

Well, she does have a point being that your partner is unemployed and she is paying for health care and schooling.  She didn't say it the best way, but now really is a poor time to even be open to a surprise baby.  It is in your best interest as an adult to do all that you can to put off having children until you can be independent from your mom.  As annoying as it is to have her involved in your reproductive care, so long as she is involved in paying the bills, it will be hard to truly keep anything separate as she will have opinions on how her money is spent.  She could be fearful that she'll have to be financially responsible for a child as well if you don't do all you can to prevent pregnancy.

Yes, the way she said it wasn't the best word choice, but try to see it from her point of view and take it in the best way possible, ignoring the poor word choice.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by pumpkin 

I think as long as your parents are paying your bills they have a vested interest in things that would otherwise be completely your decision. My DD will be getting strong birth control messages from me until she has reached the point in life where she can take care of herself and a child. It isn't a boundary violation, it's just basic parenting.

I agree.  By accepting the financial assistance of your reproductive healthcare, she has a right to encourage you to be responsible about your reproductive health.  Furthermore, if she's already paying for your healthcare and schooling, she probably feels like another baby will be a further financial burden on her, which is not acceptable.  

[treeoflife3]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

I agree.  By accepting the financial assistance of your reproductive healthcare, she has a right to encourage you to be responsible about your reproductive health.  Furthermore, if she's already paying for your healthcare and schooling, she probably feels like another baby will be a further financial burden on her, which is not acceptable.  

not to mention, a baby might interfere with schooling which could lead to wasted money on school to take care of a baby for awhile. If I were supporting my adult daughter, I'd hope she was doing everything she can to gain financial independence before adding to her family.  Granted, I wouldn't be all 'we need to not have an accident!' but I would be expecting everything on her part to be careful.

[Ldavis24]

If you are that broke you can totally go to planned parenthood and get any reproductive care you need. 
Also have you looked into medicaid? Once again if you are that broke it isn't hard to sign up for it and qualify. We are on it and it covers pretty much everything (including various mental health services which I think is really great, reproductive stuff is fully covered as well) and we have ZERO co-pays. 

I don't really know what to say, I can appreciate you being offended but if your mom is paying for your insurance what do you really expect...

It's like you are offended but not enough to say you don't need the free insurance from your parents. 

I'd say if you want autonomy with your healthcare then you should probably get it yourself, bottom line...harsh maybe. True, definitely.

[em123]

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

I agree.  By accepting the financial assistance of your reproductive healthcare, she has a right to encourage you to be responsible about your reproductive health.  Furthermore, if she's already paying for your healthcare and schooling, she probably feels like another baby will be a further financial burden on her, which is not acceptable.  

I agree with the above. In this situation I think you have to let it go. Maybe she can't afford for you to have another baby financially, so while she may have not been sensitive about it, perhaps this is her way of telling you this?

[philomom]

Originally Posted by syn_ack89 

I'm sorry that you are upset.

I think you have blurred the boundaries by accepting money for health care and schooling. I think you need to let it go.

Yep. By accepting so much help in the first place, you have placed yourself back in the child role. While what she said was hurtful, I can see saying such a thing to a teenage daughter whose college tuition I'm paying for.

[Drummer's Wife]

I think it's easy to get upset and think, "how dare she!" b/c you are 20 (?) years old, with no kids yet... but probably feel pretty grown up by now.  The thing is, when you are a mother, you want the best for your babies - whether they are 5 or 25.  If I had a 16 yr old DD who was sexually active, you better believe I would want her to use some form of birth control.  I might say, "lets make sure we get you X form of birth control, when we go to your GYN appointment; I would hate for an unplanned pregnancy to get in the way of you graduating from high school."  I see that as pretty similar to what your mom said, b/c lets face it, nursing school is incredibly difficult; having the opportunity to go when you are not a parent, and with your own parent funding it, makes you really lucky. 

She might have brought it up in a nicer way, w/o using the term accident.  But you are only like 4 years older than my example with the 16 yr old teen girl.  I am sure your mom is coming from a good place with this, and boundaries are something that are sometimes blurred when you are talking about your own child that you raised, yk?  It does seem a bit personal, and I myself get annoyed when my mom makes comments about hoping we are done.  But again, I know she comes from a good place, b/c she worries about me - even though I am 31 years old and happily married.  I've had 4 c-sections, and being a CNM herself, she is aware of the risks that a 5th or more cesarean would carry, not to mention me having four young children to take care of already.  I can only imagine if she were helping support me financially, specifically my medical bills. She' probably feel even more inclined to get involved in my business. 

Basically, I wouldn't get too worked up over this.  She's your mom. She loves you and cares for you.  I agree with the others regarding finding your own free or low cost services for reproductive health, but that doesn't mean your mom will stop giving a bit of input from time to time.  She's been through it, and she just wants you to be successful, I'm sure of that. I think it's something that you will understand a bit better when you have children -- not that interference is always okay from a parent; it's just that they are usually coming from a loving place.  How they get their point across, though, might not always be the most sensitive way.  But since it's your mom, cut her some slack and try not to take it the wrong way.

[AttunedMama]

Sounds like interpersonal growing pains; time for you to get on your own. Easier said than done, but totally plausible nonetheless.

ETA: A PP mentioned that you're not a mama, but your signature says 'mama'. I'm new to here/your story, But have you considered the book Debt Free U? Even as a mother, some of the suggestions were helpful to me, and I've not had more than a whisper of ancestors paying for my schooling....

Edited by AttunedMama - 4/24/11 at 2:58pm

[Magelet]

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Edited by Magelet - 4/25/11 at 11:27pm

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Magelet 

I also don't have any other options for school right now besides accepting their money. Because my parents make enough money, I would get no financial aid,

So take their money and get your education, but suck it up and tell you mother what kind of birth control you are using and that you are taking BC VERY seriously.

(the truth is, if you aren't taking BC seriously, it is a complete waste of her money to pay for your education. She has a right to know. This isn't "being under her thumb".)

You have real choices. Make one, and then make it work. You really aren't a victim in this situation.
 

[Magelet]

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