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how to protect children from their abusive father during visitation - Page 2

post #21 of 37

Dear Michelle,

 

Thank you for your comments.  I am curious as to how you are able to find 4 abusive woman whom you are CERTAIN they lie about their abuse on their men and children.  However, I'm happy for you that your own mum, which is your real life experience, is nothing of the sort and she takes very good care of you.  I'm sure you will also love her and take very good care of her.

 

I'm not sure if you are married or if you have any children or if you are a single parent.  Just to give you a little insight.  First of all, all women have mother instincts and love their own children.  Secondly, most single mums do not have the time to take revenge or plot or lie.  If they do, it normally does not last because they simply don't have the time to follow it through.  This is because biologically, the physical strength and ability of a 65 year old man is equivalent to that of a 25 year old woman i.e. a 65 year old man has as much strengths, stamina, willpower, etc etc as a 25 year old woman.  If you are above 25, you are weaker than an old man (not to say a young man below 65) and trust me, when it comes to taking revenge, lying, plotting evil plans, etc etc, you will sure lose out to the man, just that you may not know as the man will not tell you that you lose.  Thirdly, beware of men who are overly petty and vicious much more than women.

 

Love,

Llik CN

post #22 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Llik CN View Post

Dear Michelle,

Thank you for your comments.  I am curious as to how you are able to find 4 abusive woman whom you are CERTAIN they lie about their abuse on their men and children.  However, I'm happy for you that your own mum, which is your real life experience, is nothing of the sort and she takes very good care of you.  I'm sure you will also love her and take very good care of her.

I'm not sure if you are married or if you have any children or if you are a single parent.  Just to give you a little insight.  First of all, all women have mother instincts and love their own children.  Secondly, most single mums do not have the time to take revenge or plot or lie.  If they do, it normally does not last because they simply don't have the time to follow it through.  This is because biologically, the physical strength and ability of a 65 year old man is equivalent to that of a 25 year old woman i.e. a 65 year old man has as much strengths, stamina, willpower, etc etc as a 25 year old woman.  If you are above 25, you are weaker than an old man (not to say a young man below 65) and trust me, when it comes to taking revenge, lying, plotting evil plans, etc etc, you will sure lose out to the man, just that you may not know as the man will not tell you that you lose.  Thirdly, beware of men who are overly petty and vicious much more than women.

Love,
Llik CN

Thanks for your "insight." First of all, I didn't have to do anything to find the women I mentioned. Trust me, no one goes LOOKING in hopes of finding a relative who hurts her children, especially not when you yourself are a child. Secondly, maybe all women have mother instincts, but I assure you that some women, just like some men, have other issues that they put before those instincts. IME, it's usually related to hardcore drug use.

(PS, the use of all caps in "certain" was rather condescending. Do you think I don't know what it looks like to see a woman abuse her husband and children, with my own eyes, and then say that he was the one hitting her? I don't want to go into too many details about the others, because I use my real name to post here, but yes, I am CERTAIN. And yes, that is part of my "real life experience.")

I am sure that the vast majority of mothers, single or not, do not hurt their children, plot revenge against their husbands, lie about abuse, etc. But most men also don't beat their wives in front of their children, while their 2yo son tries to fend the attack off with a plastic bat, begging Daddy not to hurt Mommy anymore. Yet I have seen both of those things with my own eyes. One of the sad things that we all have to come to terms with eventually is that, even though most people are good, some people in this world simply are not. And some of those people are women.

It is true that most men are physically stronger than most women. First of all, that doesn't do much good for men who are afraid to fight back or defend themselves. Many men have had it so ingrained into them to never hit a woman (which is a good thing) that they simply can't respond to a physical attack from a woman. Secondly, it doesn't make any difference at all with emotional abuse, which is how I would categorize intentional false accusations. And personally, I find the implication that women are simply not capable of that kind of abuse to be narrow-minded and an incredibly harmful attitude towards those who have been hurt by women, either as children or adults. It's really no better than refusing to believe that a man would hurt his wife because "he's such a nice guy."
post #23 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Llik CN View Post
 

Dear Michelle,

 

Thank you for your comments.  I am curious as to how you are able to find 4 abusive woman whom you are CERTAIN they lie about their abuse on their men and children.  However, I'm happy for you that your own mum, which is your real life experience, is nothing of the sort and she takes very good care of you.  I'm sure you will also love her and take very good care of her.

 

I'm not sure if you are married or if you have any children or if you are a single parent.  Just to give you a little insight.  First of all, all women have mother instincts and love their own children.  Secondly, most single mums do not have the time to take revenge or plot or lie.  If they do, it normally does not last because they simply don't have the time to follow it through.  This is because biologically, the physical strength and ability of a 65 year old man is equivalent to that of a 25 year old woman i.e. a 65 year old man has as much strengths, stamina, willpower, etc etc as a 25 year old woman.  If you are above 25, you are weaker than an old man (not to say a young man below 65) and trust me, when it comes to taking revenge, lying, plotting evil plans, etc etc, you will sure lose out to the man, just that you may not know as the man will not tell you that you lose.  Thirdly, beware of men who are overly petty and vicious much more than women.

 

Love,

Llik CN

 

 

All women do NOT have the instincts to love and mother their own children, or at least not all women have GOOD instincts and listen to them. If that were true, there would be no abusive mothers. But there are way too many. And people like you are why innocent children get trapped with abusive mothers- because people think that all women are good parents.

 

 

There are women who have abused men. They may be less common, but it does happen. There are women who are stronger than some men- some men are very weak due to disabilities/etc, some women are just very strong and/or trained to fight.  Women can also make use of weapons. Not all men are trained how to disarm someone brandishing a knife or firearm, and even people who are trained to do so aren't always able to without getting hurt.

post #24 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by sillysapling View Post


All women do NOT have the instincts to love and mother their own children, or at least not all women have GOOD instincts and listen to them. If that were true, there would be no abusive mothers. But there are way too many. And people like you are why innocent children get trapped with abusive mothers- because people think that all women are good parents.


There are women who have abused men. They may be less common, but it does happen. There are women who are stronger than some men- some men are very weak due to disabilities/etc, some women are just very strong and/or trained to fight.  Women can also make use of weapons. Not all men are trained how to disarm someone brandishing a knife or firearm, and even people who are trained to do so aren't always able to without getting hurt.

Thank you. I feel bad now for starting controversy in this thread; I just saw that one comment and felt like it needed a response. But the main thing should be supporting those who are being forced by the courts to hand their children over to abusers. That is just absolutely tragic, and I wish the courts were better at getting to the truth (whatever it is) and protecting those who need it. greensad.gif
post #25 of 37
Pray.
post #26 of 37

I'd suggest doing more than praying.

 

Laws don't change until there's sufficient push. As of now, it doesn't sound as though you know where legislation about these things is. Sometimes what the legal advocates need is stories, poster children. So I would suggest contacting a local women's center, if you have one, or -- if you don't -- contacting a women's center at a state university or in your state's largest city. Find out which legislators work on these issues and with whom. Look them up and read their bills. Get in touch with them and tell them: I am the woman whose children you are trying to protect; what can I do to work with you?

 

It may go nowhere; you may find a solid friend; you may help change the law. But these things don't begin until you reach out to the right people, so instead of fretting in their absence, start working that internet. And document, document, document.

 

Fingers crossed for everybody's safe return.

post #27 of 37

I am terrified I am facing the same future with my children. Sending them to visitation with their abusive father. They do no want to go, they have done the interviews and told the truth,

it seems like no one listens to them but me. What can we do? there must be something....

post #28 of 37

When you say no one listens but you, what has happened, and who have they talked to?

post #29 of 37

Michelle,

 

I think only those who have taken care of children (for at least 5 years continuously) themselves can truly comment on whether woman abuse children.  If you have not, then I guess your comments are all from hearsay.

post #30 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Llik CN View Post

Michelle,

I think only those who have taken care of children (for at least 5 years continuously) themselves can truly comment on whether woman abuse children.  If you have not, then I guess your comments are all from hearsay.

What? First off, having actually witnessed a female relative abusing her children does not make me qualified to say whether women ever abuse children? What kind of messed up logic is that? My own personal experiences are "hearsay" because...? The sheer gall of your dismissal of my own first-hand personal experiences is appalling.

Secondly, what on earth makes you think I haven't taken care of children? Not only am I posting on a message board FOR MOTHERS, but my signature clearly indicates that I am pregnant with my EIGHTH CHILD. I have two step-children who I have raised as my own for the past twelve years, as a full-time SAHM and homeschooling them, plus soon-to-be six biological children, the oldest of whom is eleven, and to whom I have also been a full-time, stay-at-home, homeschooling mother.

So, yeah, not like I know anything at all about being a mother. I've only dedicated my entire adult life to motherhood, since I was 19 years old. Or maybe my every day experiences raising my children for more than a decade are also "hearsay."
post #31 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by hid123 View Post

I am terrified I am facing the same future with my children. Sending them to visitation with their abusive father. They do no want to go, they have done the interviews and told the truth,
it seems like no one listens to them but me. What can we do? there must be something....

I am so sorry you are going through this; it must be terrifying. greensad.gif I sincerely hope you can get someone to listen to your children and take them seriously, and that they can get the help and protection they need. hug.gif
post #32 of 37

They have done forensic interviews, gone to therapy, told the truth; and the guardian ad litem dosent believe them.

post #33 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by hid123 View Post

They have done forensic interviews, gone to therapy, told the truth; and the guardian ad litem dosent believe them.

That's awful! Is it possible to get a different guardian?
post #34 of 37

It is possible. However, this person has been assigned to my case, by my judge. So, to go to him and ask for someone else is like questioning his judgement. Not a good idea.

My attny says to just stay patient and follow her instructions; however, how do you do that when you are threatened with the fact that your kids my have to go back.

post #35 of 37

Hi, I read your comment on the this thread, and I know it has been some time since you posted this, but I am in the same situation. My husband abused both myself and my son. He mostly abused my son as he knew this to be the best way to hurt me. Being a mother is my whole world. He would put my son in a cold shower with his clothes on and hold him in there as discipline and slap,hit, jerk, shove, our son until I would intervene. He wouldn't hit me as much. mainly just the psychological games, manipulation, veiled threats with weapons, wouldn't let me leave a room, etc. My question for you is that I parent a lot of the same way you have described. I speak to my son the same way you have written explanations in your post. I believe in being honest, helping them understand and validating their feelings. My son is 8 and we have a 4 month old baby. I left the marriage when I was 9 months pregnant. We have a TPO, ex-parte, but in response to receiving it he filed for divorce. (which I was having an attorney draw up papers, but I had to go ahead and get the TPO for safety concerns). Anyway, my husband now has supervised visitation. He is now allowing his mother to take full control of this situation.....and his mother is a MAJOR control freak. She is very sneaky and mean and will hurt anyone, just like my husband, in order to feel that power and control. Anyone including my children. They have violated every portion of the TPO without coming in direct contact with me. My son called me while at visitation crying and as we were talking he began screaming "No, No, No" and then the phone hung up. I don't know what to do? What do you tell the child in this situation. he has always relied on me to intervene and "save" him and now I can't. I feel SO helpless. I know he sits over there wondering why I am not helping. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do, but worst of all, I could Not imagine being a child looking at my parent and grandparents doing things. He hates it. He hates how they treat him. He hates going over there. How in the world do I help my child? These people are ruthless. they will go to ANY extreme to get away with their evil acts. I am scared.

post #36 of 37

Hi. You need to bring your son to a good child psychologist for evaluations and -- this is key -- regular visits. The psychologist must know you and your son well -- you need ongoing 3rd-party expert corroboration of what you're seeing.

 

Beyond that, you'll have trouble. Talk to your lawyer about (a) getting the TPO enforced in spirit as well as in letter; (b) realistic chances for you to move a substantial distance away, if you'll have support there. It's very sad but sometimes the only way to minimize risk is to leave. He will no doubt continue to try making your life hell, and his mom will join in, but with luck something else will distract them. The biggest help is that your son gets less vulnerable with every passing day.

If your lawyer is not strong on protecting women and children from DV, btw, you need to find another lawyer.

post #37 of 37

Im so sorry you are going thru the same thing as we are. I have no good answers; except educate yourself, document everything, get the kids into trauma counceling, contact DFCS anytime

you may think your kids are being harmed or abused. You have to remember you are their safe place, their strength, you bring life into them, as he tries to bring the darkness. They will be stronger and will love you so much for being there to protect them. As a strong mother, you become a better mother. This article is wonderful and has helped me so much. I read it over and over.

I will pray for you and your kids. I am still in the middle of mine as well. Just waiting for the call that says that I have to take my kids to him. I just pray.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/12/coparenting-with-an-abuser/

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