Surviving a Baby Moon?

[camprunner]

I never had a baby moon when I had my two daughters. I have a hard time staying home and/or not seeing people though. I work at home and keep my kids at home and even DH has commented on how I'm so much happier when I have interaction with people (even if it's something like a conference call). We usually have three outings  a week on a slow week and on a fairly normal week, we go out everyday.   We had the other two out of the house quickly (within days) but due to some the behavior of others after I had my last child (snatching the baby, rude comments, etc) , I know I will have to hole up at home  .  We don't associate with the same people now as then but I truly feel that staying in for a whole month (and not allowing anyone in my home) is a precaution I'm going to have to take.

If you have a hard time staying at home, is there anything you did to make it easier?  I guess I'm afraid that we'll be lonely and stir crazy by the end.  I'm hoping that DH will take the older ones on at least a few of their regular play dates so as not to punish them for a new sibling during this month but he will be pretty busy with work too...

[Marissamom]

I stayed in for two weeks, but did have limited visitors. I didn't really want to see a bunch of people, just enjoy the bonding time with my baby and recover. 

[camprunner]

Thanks for your response.  I know that the bonding time is going to be important.  Last time, I felt that I should have been able to trust the people from the church bringing in food.  I felt that I should have been able to trust the family coming to help.  They all caused a lot of trauma that I am reliving 5 years later as we wait for this baby. It's been an issue the whole pregnancy. It's part of the reason (but not most of it) that we waited so long to have another.

MIL came and sat on her rear and didn't budge from our kitchen table the whole week while dh insisted that he couldn't help me with anything as he was working a full time job and managing our three year old and every single house hold chore. The woman wouldn't even hold the baby when I asked.

People from the church came to bring food and walked up and down our halls in every room. The house was cleaned thoroughly before babe was born and the midwives did a great job with clean up but I honestly think they expected to see a huge bloody mess somewhere (this happened the DAY the baby was born). 

They would look at our new baby for the first time and very pointedly tell us how beautiful our first daughter was (and not that she isn't/wasn't but I just found it rude since I'd just worked so hard to birth the youngest one).

The worst was when a lady at church who'd lost a baby late in pregnancy with the same due date asked to hold her. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her hold her when she asked and wouldn't have let anyone else. The woman took the baby at a week old and held her under every runny nosed baby in the church.

I was accused of being an inadequate mother because I was moving slow due to birth injury and told my dh that he needed to be chasing down our 3 year old.  They knew we had the baby at home and I think that they seemed  think that I got "what I deserved".

For a long time due to some of these people, I truly felt I was a bad mother. I wasn't a bad mother. I truly feel they contributed a lot to the post partum depression/anxiety that I suffered last time (did not leave the house by myself with both kids until baby was 18 months old because I felt inadequate). These people were just really rude :(  So I don't think two weeks will be long enough. I want enough time to be confident in my skills as a mother before I am around others who will destroy my self esteem.

We no longer attend that church or even have the same friends we had five years ago but I'm terrified people will be the same way again so I don't think that two weeks will be enough and at this point I don't trust anyone to come in (especially MIL) . My best friend lives 3 hours away and since she has asked, I might let her come before the month is out to stay for a while towards the end but that's about it.

[jgale]

Gosh, what a horrible story.  No wonder you are tramatized!  I read your first post and was a little perplexed, but it makes sense to me now.

I honestly don't think you can do a baby moon without help--at least for your 3 year old if nothing else.  If you can afford it, I would pay a babysitter to come and take her somewhere a few hours each day.  Stock your freezer with food that needs little or no preparation or have folks bring stuff.  Stay in your pajamas all day.  If your house has an upstairs, stay there.

I'm about to have my 4th baby and people at work really seemed to want to throw me a baby shower or buy me 'stuff'.  The 4th time around, there is literally nothing I need, so I have been asking for food.  One of my co-workers is going to be in charge of organizing a schedule, so I don't have to worry about getting 15 meals the first 3 days.  I don't plan to come out of my room for about a week after the baby is born--that's what I did with the last and it really helped with the baby blues.  We have my dh, my mom and our babysitter lined up for lots of help with the bigger kids.

I won't be able to do a whole month of staying in--but I'm hoping for at least 2 weeks before things are 'back to normal'.

Best of luck...

[Marissamom]

since you don't feel like you can have anyone around to help out, would you be able to hire a postpartum doula? someone to help out, and also female interaction who wouldn't be judgmental

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by jgale 

Gosh, what a horrible story.  No wonder you are tramatized!  I read your first post and was a little perplexed, but it makes sense to me now.

I honestly don't think you can do a baby moon without help--at least for your 3 year old if nothing else.  If you can afford it, I would pay a babysitter to come and take her somewhere a few hours each day.  Stock your freezer with food that needs little or no preparation or have folks bring stuff.  Stay in your pajamas all day.  If your house has an upstairs, stay there.

I'm about to have my 4th baby and people at work really seemed to want to throw me a baby shower or buy me 'stuff'.  The 4th time around, there is literally nothing I need, so I have been asking for food.  One of my co-workers is going to be in charge of organizing a schedule, so I don't have to worry about getting 15 meals the first 3 days.  I don't plan to come out of my room for about a week after the baby is born--that's what I did with the last and it really helped with the baby blues.  We have my dh, my mom and our babysitter lined up for lots of help with the bigger kids.

I won't be able to do a whole month of staying in--but I'm hoping for at least 2 weeks before things are 'back to normal'.

Best of luck...

Thank goodness the three year old is  8 now and the baby is 5 so hopefully that will help a lot. MY mom is coming this time and DH will be at home. It's mostly the staying in part that I think is going to drive me a crazy. I'm hoping to stay in my room the week my mom is here and then resume all house work after that week.  DH may or may not be working during the first two weeks or so depending on when the baby make's his appearance. I have confidence that between the other children being older this time and MY mom coming (I feel more comfortable asking her to do things than I did MIL; heck DH didn't even feel comfortable asking her to do anything).  It's mostly about not having others destroy my confidence before I've even bonded with the baby or recovered from birth...but staying in for a whole month seems like it is going to drive me crazy and be really lonely...

Last time the food thing is how the people from the church entered my house and proceeded walk wherever they pleased.  This time we also have food intolerances (both me and my kids) so I'm just telling people "nothing" when they ask what we need.  I supposed if our church were to ask this time (we aren't real involved) then I would just ask for prayer. 

Thanks for the response though. Lot's to think about.

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by Marissamom 

since you don't feel like you can have anyone around to help out, would you be able to hire a postpartum doula? someone to help out, and also female interaction who wouldn't be judgmental

This would have been my  first choice but we live in the middle of no where so there just aren't any.  I couldn't even find a doula to come to the birth and I look on the Dona web site and even resorted to searching Google and Facebook. I think the birth portion of the post partum trauma might not be as big of a deal this time as I've made it clear to everyone that the person who removes the baby from the room may need to flee for their lives once I can move this time and also that anestetic should be used whether I want it or not.

[Smokering]

I don't think a babymoon should have to be endured. What's the point? Surely it won't do your relationship with the baby much good if you're going crazy and depressed from cabin fever. Can't you do something that isn't either a) holing up alone at home and feeling depressed or b) allowing people you don't even like very much to ride roughshod over your boundaries? :p Maybe your mother could watch the bigger kids every afternoon while you took the new baby out and bonded at a mall or park or library or somewhere. It wouldn't be socialising exactly, but you'd be surrounded by people, at least. Or if you have a few friends you trust to behave in a civilised manner, you and the new baby could go out to a coffee shop with them. Or could you and your mother take the kids out to the park (or wherever), just like normal, except that she could wrangle said kids while you sat on a bench with the baby and rested?

If your mother's understanding and knows about what happened last time, she could be very valuable in helping you not have to hole up at home - you know? What about your DH, does he have some time off after this birth?

Personally I'm a bit of an introvert/homebody and quite like the idea of hibernating with the new baby and few visitors, but I realise not everybody goes for that. In traditional societies where isolation after birthing is expected, a lot of women resent it and get pretty depressed/bored/annoyed about the whole thing. So don't think you're abnormal or non-AP or something if the thought of babymooning doesn't appeal!

[camprunner]

 

 What about your DH, does he have some time off after this birth?

It is quite possible that the baby's arrival could align with a natural break in his schedule.  He does have a flexible schedule and work from home. It's just that he does have to work sometime (40-45 hours a week) and when both of us are working it gets hectic. I'm taking the summer off but may have to work for a couple of weeks with a newborn if the baby comes early (about 20 hours or less a week at that point...at least I hope so).  My mom's primary responsibilities will be helping with basic chores such as heating up food and doing the dishes and taking care of my older girls (giving them a little extra attention and supervising their chores).  I really think that if she handles the kitchen, dh will be able to handle the laundry and I can probably fold from the bedroom and have the girls put it away.  Last time, he was in charge of everything in the kitchen, all the laundry, and a three year old who desperately needed attention of her own on top of me needed assistance picking up things off the floor ( I could drop pants to the floor to undress but not pick them up). 

So I sort of have a plan...I'm not sure about going out. Maybe we could sit in the yard and be happy. The people around here just tend to be that way anyway....it's probably a mannerism but it's one that really hurts my feelings.

[D_McG]

I think you should just do whatever will make you happy. I'd go mad at home for 2 weeks. Especially with 2 older kids. I plan on doing what I did the last time which is have DH take the first week off where he'll entertain my older 2 outside the house as much as possible. Then in week 2 it's back to normal (or the new normal). I love to get out and be busy.

I don't like anyone in the house for a few weeks. I don't accept food from people b/c of food allergies (my older 2 had so I'm assuming the baby will, too). I reluctantly let my IL's come visit b/c I recognize that it's selfish not to but they stay maybe an hour and will stay at a hotel.

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding why you're going to 'endure' the babymoon? Just do whatever you want!

[ShwarmaQueen]

It's been a year and a half and I'm still having a hard time adjusting to this new life (I worked until 39 wks w/ DS). The baby stage was rough though, it's getting better at least.

[L&K'smommie]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

I think you should just do whatever will make you happy. I'd go mad at home for 2 weeks. Especially with 2 older kids. I plan on doing what I did the last time which is have DH take the first week off where he'll entertain my older 2 outside the house as much as possible. Then in week 2 it's back to normal (or the new normal). I love to get out and be busy.

I don't like anyone in the house for a few weeks. I don't accept food from people b/c of food allergies (my older 2 had so I'm assuming the baby will, too). I reluctantly let my IL's come visit b/c I recognize that it's selfish not to but they stay maybe an hour and will stay at a hotel.

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding why you're going to 'endure' the babymoon? Just do whatever you want!

I agree with her...after ds2 was born I stayed home for 5 days before needing to go out and I was SO ready to go out by then.  I had my Mom helping me with my 2 older kids at home so I didn't have to do much of anything beyond bond with the baby.  I just can't stay home long as I go stir crazy!

Is or was the issue mostly people that came to your home?? Or did you get comments when you were out as well?  When I wanted to go out with ds2 I just wrapped him up then nobody could touch him and he and I were bonding still.  As to the people's comments and invading your home...I'm so sorry.  That is completely inappropriate.  And it's amazing to me how heartless and insensitive people can be to both a pregnant mom and a new mom.

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by L&K'smommie 

Is or was the issue mostly people that came to your home?? Or did you get comments when you were out as well?  When I wanted to go out with ds2 I just wrapped him up then nobody could touch him and he and I were bonding still.  As to the people's comments and invading your home...I'm so sorry.  That is completely inappropriate.  And it's amazing to me how heartless and insensitive people can be to both a pregnant mom and a new mom.

I got comments while out too...mostly from church members who are no longer in our lives...probably a no matter what I would have done would have been wrong type of thing...but I'm just afraid to expose myself to people at all this time.  But I do worry that if I go out, people will see that as an invitiation to drop by as well.

[L&K'smommie]

Originally Posted by camprunner 

I got comments while out too...mostly from church members who are no longer in our lives...probably a no matter what I would have done would have been wrong type of thing...but I'm just afraid to expose myself to people at all this time.  But I do worry that if I go out, people will see that as an invitiation to drop by as well.

Are you in a small town?  Just curious...because if not then you could just go out to Target or the mall or library...somewhere where you shouldn't see people but can have some time away from home.  As someone who is not a homebody, I know for me just doing those types of things would help my sanity(and then there would be no dealing with people and their comments...especially if you wrap or carry the baby in a sling).

I still can't believe people would behave like that...makes me angry for you.  This being your 3rd baby I'm sure you'll do wonderfully.  I hope the timing works out perfectly for your dh to be around and your mom to be there when you need her most!
 

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by L&K'smommie 

Are you in a small town?  Just curious...because if not then you could just go out to Target or the mall or library...somewhere where you shouldn't see people but can have some time away from home. 

I wondered the same thing! I go out every day to various places and it's rare for me to see anyone. OP is it possible you have a little or even a lot of anxiety going on? and you're not thinking clearly? :

[camprunner]

Yes, it's a small town and a small town where everyone goes to the hospital at that. Probably part of the issue. I do have anxiety but a lot of it is due to the things that I happened last time which is what I'm trying to avoid this time. I guess I do sound paranoid but even DH agrees that he should have at least stepped in last time before things got bad and he left me to fend for myself with these people. He promises it will be different this time.  We will go to a (small) wedding of a good friend when baby is 3 weeks old for sure but the people there will be supportive.

[wombatclay]

I do what I call a "modified" babymoon... I got the idea from a Mothering magazine I think.  Anyway, I stay "in the bed" for three days, "on the bed" for three days, and "near the bed" for three days. 

Honestly it usually ends up being 6 days "on the bed" and 3 days "near the bed" (usually on the couch in our sleep loft) and I use the internet/email people during that week and a half (I'm a hospy birther so my first 72 hours are at the hospy and I let that count as "in bed").  But other than that, dh keeps the other kiddos downstairs and brings me meals/snacks/whatever I want (the only time I use my cell phone is to call him to come upstairs!), and any visitors stay downstairs (close relatives visit briefly in the hospital and everyone else can look at the online pics and/or wait a week).  I come downstairs to use the bathroom and shower, but other than that the babe and I stay wrapped up and happy and away from everyone else for that week.  I know that if I came downstairs more I'd get stressed about dishes in the sink, or grabbed by an older child, or any of the million things that make up life so it's just easier to limit myself to online interaction (where I can always close the connection) and stay snuggled for a week.

But more than a week or two would drive me nutty, and a lot depends on having a partner or backup plan to ensure you can focus just on you and your little.  I hope you find a way to make the babymoon you need to have, happen!

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by wombatclay 

I do what I call a "modified" babymoon... I got the idea from a Mothering magazine I think.  Anyway, I stay "in the bed" for three days, "on the bed" for three days, and "near the bed" for three days. 

Honestly it usually ends up being 6 days "on the bed" and 3 days "near the bed" (usually on the couch in our sleep loft) and I use the internet/email people during that week and a half (I'm a hospy birther so my first 72 hours are at the hospy and I let that count as "in bed").  But other than that, dh keeps the other kiddos downstairs and brings me meals/snacks/whatever I want (the only time I use my cell phone is to call him to come upstairs!), and any visitors stay downstairs (close relatives visit briefly in the hospital and everyone else can look at the online pics and/or wait a week).  I come downstairs to use the bathroom and shower, but other than that the babe and I stay wrapped up and happy and away from everyone else for that week.  I know that if I came downstairs more I'd get stressed about dishes in the sink, or grabbed by an older child, or any of the million things that make up life so it's just easier to limit myself to online interaction (where I can always close the connection) and stay snuggled for a week.

But more than a week or two would drive me nutty, and a lot depends on having a partner or backup plan to ensure you can focus just on you and your little.  I hope you find a way to make the babymoon you need to have, happen!

I know what you mean about getting stressed by seeing the rest of the house. That's why my mom is supposed to be coming...to make sure that it doesn't look too bad when I venture out there. DH is wonderful...he cooks but doesn't do dishes or put away ingredients he's used...he does laundry but never puts it away...he goes grocery shopping but doesn't put them away. I know I'm going to have a fit when I see it all...so I'm hoping mom will help out and also remind him to clean up after himself.  Then if I actually get to rest for a week maybe I can clean up after him the rest of the time barring  another injury.

[wombatclay]

LOL

It might sound a bit over the top, but I found that giving DH an actual list of "what makes me feel like the house is a mess" helped a LOT.  I had a 4th degree tear and some serious healing to do after dd2 was born and I really couldn't do much even if I'd wanted to.  I'd look at the living room or kitchen and just give up due to the mess, but at the same time Dh thought he was keeping it tidy.  He'd, oh, stack the dishes or sort the clothes into piles on the couch and that would be "clean enough" while I'd look at the same neatly stacked pile of dirty dishes and sorted clothing and see "must start washing" or "must put those in the bedroom".  Having a list of 2-3 things that really mattered to me in each space helped us both because he'd spend his time doing things that I noticed instead of using that same time to do stuff that didn't matter to me.

If you know you're going to have some trouble after the birth, or know you'll have people coming to help it might be worth it to make a list of the top items that make you feel edgy or comfortable in a space ("I hate dishes in the sink" or "just get the laundry into the bedrooms I don't care if it's folded" or whatever) and then another list of a half dozen meals you really like (or foods you hate) so that people helping out know where to spend their energy and/or what sort of foods to bring over (I can't forget that after my first child was born my MIL came to town and brought piles of food... all of which contained ingredients I hated and/or were allergic to... there were STACKS of food and not a single thing I wanted to eat!).

[camprunner]

Thank you, Wombat Clay. That's actually very helpful.  I have high hopes of cooking for the freezer but time is getting short...still, I'm going to try as we have allergies and Mom isn't comfortable cooking for us and dh, who is a great cook, just loses his mind when a baby comes :)