Help! Physically aggressive toddler is hurting my kids!

[KABB]

I didn't post to play parent or doctor to this boy, to label him, try to diagnosis him, or to try to tell his parents how to parent him. I posted partially as a vent, because I am very angry and upset (and I won't deny it) that my kids are getting hurt constantly by him and the parents stand idly by. Partially for advice for no other reason than I want my kids to stop getting hurt by him but don't know how to handle it because we are a very (physically) close family and avoiding time with him is not without consequences within the family (aka drama).

Our nephew ("E") is very, very aggressive toward other kids. He's almost two and is solid mass. He is a good head taller-at least-than my youngest daughter ("K") and weighs as much as my almost 4 year old ("B"). He's been like this for quite some time but I got to see first hand how he is toward the other kids today after not really being around him since December. He must have pushed K and B down, or tried two a dozen times. He succeeded knocking K to the floor and hurting her to the point where she was screaming that tortured high pitched "I'm HURT!" cry three times in a period of 4 hours. His parents (Daddy's brother and SIL) did nothing to correct aside from saying "Don't do that." "Don't push." etc.

In addition to pushing and not just pushing playing but pushing with enough force to knock me (full grown adult) off balance, he will jump and fall with all his weight on anyone laying on the floor no matter who it is...including K whom is significantly smaller than he is. And he throws, boy does he throw! He throws and kicks toys all over. A few times he sent some stuff airborne that could have injured others. Nothing is done aside from "We don't kick/throw." It made me very upset today because K kept getting hurt, whether from being shoved over, landed on, or hit with things he was throwing/kicking. Our son also had his Easter toy broken (twice) by E. Again, the behaviour was corrected with a "We don't do that." or "That's (name)'s toy, leave it alone." Nothing else. When I saw him doing things that could have hurt one of my kids I would said "E, NO." or "Leave (name) alone." He'd go off and doing something else for awhile but the behaviour was eventually repeated. The only thing I could do to make sure my kids didn't get hurt (mainly the three younger ones) was watch him like a hawk to see how he interacted with them and try to ward off the physically aggressive behaviour by removing MY kids or their belongings from the equation...punishing them to protect them in a sense. I know it's not my kids because his mom told whomever that her step-sisters son didn't like playing with him anymore because he pushed.

He just doesn't respect boundaries at all and his parents don't help. He's constantly in the kid's faces wanting them to play, trying to sit on them, sit with them, etc. Needless to say they don't want to play with him at times and he just doesn't get it so he keeps at it, trying to get them to play or jump/lay/sit on them.

Typically, aside from the usual sibling rivalry my children can be left to play independently for a period of time without hurting each other like E did to them today. I feel like I shouldn't have to "baby sit" someone else's kid to make sure my kids don't get hurt, when the parents are in the other room, out of eye sight, enjoying the holiday, when they know of their son's aggressive tendencies but don't watch him interact with others. His father mentioned to me and his Uncle that he pushes to get attention. It's also obvious and was verbally stated that his parents are completely exhausted and don't know what to do about the behaviour. He's very active and physical anyway and I know that his mom especially "gives up" in a sense because she can't handle his hyperactivity or doesn't know how to respond to him to remedy the behaviour. It's to the point right now, after seeing what I saw today, my two younger ones have bruises on them now because of being pushed down or hit with toys, I don't want them around their cousin. I also do not want this cousin around their toys-he's broken more stuff of ours than I care to admit and aside from the occasionally "Sorry." his mom use to give (not anymore) the behaviour wasn't corrected.

Having four kids at home I know some physical aggressiveness can happen even in the best behaved kids. However, it's not an ongoing thing with my kids and if/when I saw/see my kids pushing, throwing, or kicking I discipline immediately and quite effectively. Very rarely do my younger two hurt each other on purpose. I talk sternly and if necessary remove the offender from the "fun" and other children. I also explain why the behaviour is unacceptable and what will happen next (time out typically or toy taken away). The older two get restricted and privileges taken away. In addition to that I label the feeling (mad, sad, frustrated, bored, etc.) and try to provide constructive ways of expressing or remedying that feeling and make sure they know that they made (name) feel hurt, sad, angry, etc. 

It also makes me extremely mad that on the off moment when my son as had enough, or my middle daughter has had enough of being climbed over, jumped or fallen on, or mauled that they stand up for themselves (yelling at him or pushing him away from them, etc. which happens rarely) that the parents reprimand my kids for hurting their son.

I don't know what to do about this. We all (us, BIL/SIL, and the parents) live within 10 minutes of each other. Holidays are spent together and during that time it's unavoidable that the kids will be together or it will be a major family issue. If the holidays were in our house I would feel more comfortable saying something like "In our house we don't push/throw." or "A (middle daughter) why don't you....so E doesn't bother you?" but considering most of the holidays are spent at the parents that's really not my place. At this time I'm considering telling Daddy I don't want the kids down there if Eric is there (for non-holiday events) and why but I don't think that's going to do much to change things, just remove my kids from it at the risk of ticking them off.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Edited by KABB - 4/25/11 at 2:53pm

[hakeber]

I have found trying to handle other people's kids when their parents are there is futile at best, and highly, unforgivably, insulting at worst.  So if you are in situations where the nephew will always be there along with his parents, You can only relay on what you teach YOUR kids.  So, teach them the natural consequences of not playing nice. Teach them self defense.  Teach them how to transform the conflict with their cousin so that he cannot hurt them.  Teach them how to protect themselves before they get to the point of yelling.  If that fails...leave?

My niece is awfully agressive.  When her parents are there I instruct Benjamin (and sometimes her sisters) to walk away, disengage and leave the room to escape her and not give her the chance to be aggressive, violent, manipulative, etc.  When she is with us alone (ie sans her mom and dad and Gran), I very firmly sit her down the minute her parents leave, get right down to her level and gently but seriously let her no that in no uncertain terms shall she shreik at, strike, injure, attack, pinch, scratch or bite any one in my home, or in my car or we will call her parents IMMEDIATELY to come fetch her, and while she is awaiting their pick-up she will be isolated in a safe place where she cannot hurt anyone else.

She has always behaved like an angel for me when her parents are not around.

If you have to put up with a child and you cannot do so without his parents there, I would seriously suggest merely not spending time with them and explain to BIL and SIL that it is because their child and their lacakdasical attitude towards his aggression has created an unsafe environment for your kids and you will not put your kids in that position.  Either that, or avoid them? ETA: which major family issue would you prefer: a fight with your inlaws while they figure out how to parent their child, or your children being mauled by their cousin?  I'd rather my in-laws hate me for a while until my niece grows up.

In-laws can be soo tough...is he special needs?  Why do they make excuses for him and not also want to protect their niece and nephew?

[scottishmommy]

I wouldn't socialize with them until this behavior stops. Honeslty, there isn't a whole lot one can do to get a two year old to stop being aggressive. I know this because I have one myself. The only thing I can do to stop aggressive behavior in my DD is to physically remove her from the situation, or better yet, not socialize with other small children. Since these parents seems clueless it's (unfortunately) up to you to lay down the ground rules. I know this is a very awkward situation to be in and I don't envy you at all! But seriously, you can't let this kid hurt your children! You could start by making a rule that if your nephew hurts someone you will leave immediately. That way you are protecting your children, and showing DN that If he's mean his friends go bye-bye. You could announce to everyone that you are leaving because DN isn't playing nice. That way you can make a nice passive aggressive jab at his parents! (I know that passive aggressive behavior is bad, but sometimes it's the best you got)
Good luck!

[LessTraveledBy]

Tough... I am with the others on this one. You can decide whether or not you will try to address the matter with the boy's parents, but you really should not put your children in that position again. There may be hurt feelings, but so what? Your kids need you to defend them until the boy grows out of this phase or the parents get a clue. If it is not just a phase, in which case things will only get worse as he keeps getting stronger. Just in case the parents want to think "boys will be boys" or something like that, your refusal to get together with them could be a wake up call.

If I were you, I would tell the parents that your kids are afraid of their son and refuse to go to their house or see their son. If, for some reason, there is ever a next time, I think you need to be willing to stand up for your kids way before your dd gets hurt 3 times, etc. If you don't feel up to really addressing the situation, you could always say something like "Oh, I notice that x (their son) is not feeling well/too tired to play/etc., so we need to go now and let him get back to his normal daily schedule. Something... anything. You don't need to say that he is out of control and the parents are not doing their job, but I think you do need to figure out a way to leave asap.

Actually, though... I think this battle should be your dh's more than yours, since the kid is his brother's...

[insidevoice]

Yikes!  I guess I come at this from the other side  as it is my nearly-three who is kind of a brute. He's a physical  kid and pushing/pulling/grabbing etc are simply how he interacts with the world.   We are aware of it, and we are working on it, but what is it you wanted your nephew's parents to do?  They should have bee there to supervise, and in that situation simply chasing down one of the parents and saying, "Hey, E needs one of you to watch him- he's being pretty physical with the other kids and we need you to supervise him so they are able to play," when they were in the other room would have communicated to them what was necessary. 

Also, it sounds like three of your four kids are older than this little guy.  If the older ones were retaliating by yelling at him or pushing him away- I can see why they would get after bigger kids who SHOULD know better than to respond that way to a toddler who- regardless of his physical size, is really very much a toddler. 

I think my solution would be to talk with all the other adults and point out that you need to make sure one of the adults present is always interacting with the youngest kids. You can all swap off here and there, and that can help to prevent anything from happening as an adult will stop the destruction  of a toy before it starts, they can physically stop the pushing and help model words and gentle touches even before those behaviors happen.  It means that someone will need to be in arms reach at every moment- with several adults there though, that really isn't a hard thing to manage. 

[Shami]

To me, this is more of a hey, parents! come watch your kid! issue than an issue with the kid himself. Some toddlers are really rough. Mine went through a year of pinching which turned to biting. I had to shadow her constantly and even with shadowing all i had to do was look away for a second and she'd pinch/bite. Ugg it was horrible as a parent to have YOUR kid doing that! Toddlers are going to push, kick, scream, pinch, bite, bang, etc. While he seems extra 'energetic' in this area, it's not HIS fault. Correct me if i am wrong, but it sounds like you are upset with the child and don't like him by the tone of your post. I am suggesting that you place all of your frustration on the parents and not the kid. I have a close friend whose child is very physical even when he is being friendly. We just have to supervise him a lot. Now my 3 year old, who used to bite and pinch, is very loving and typically doesn't hurt other kids. Toddlers grow out of it eventually unless they have deeper issues. These are the options i see for you: 1. Supervise the kids yourself and don't say anything to the parents. 2. Ask the parents to help you supervise the kids so no one gets hurt. 3. Don't go to functions with this family. I would go with number two. You can phrase it in a nice way. Something like, 'would you mind coming into the kids room to help me supervise the kids?' E is just being a normal toddler, but so and so is getting hurt and I don't want to say anything to E that you don't want me to say and i don't know what to do to help E be gentle.' Maybe you can think of a better way to say it. Most parents of the toddler who is hurting others feel really bad and embarrassed even though it really is a normal toddler behavior. Again, your real issue is that you feel the parents aren't watching him or doing anything about it.

ETA:  Why doesn't the format stay the way that i typed it!!!!!????  I can't stand that it just make my post into one long paragraph every time.  What am i doing wrong?

[oaktreemama]

I see two separate issues here.

Again, the behaviour was corrected with a "We don't do that." or "That's (name)'s toy, leave it alone." Nothing else. 

This drives me batty. It gives no feedback or information to the offending toddler. Ok so we don't hit or push or bite. But they are missing the other parts of the equation. What can we do instead (use your words, use soft touches, be gentle, come tell Mama) and what will happen if we continue to hurt others. I agree it can be normal toddler frustrations (mine went through a biting phase and it was brutal) but it isn't going to get better until his parents step up and help him get better.

It also makes me extremely mad that on the off moment when my son as had enough, or my middle daughter has had enough of being climbed over, jumped or fallen on, or mauled that they stand up for themselves (yelling at him or pushing him away from them, etc. which happens rarely) that the parents reprimand my kids for hurting their son. 

As unfair as it seems to your kids, they can't hurt him back. His parents may not see the first offense,they only see the retaliation and blame your child. If you know he is rough, and you know eventually your kids are going to get frustrated than YOU need to be there to intervene.

It is a tough situation. If the parents aren't willing to change their strategies you have to decide if you are able and willing to intervene each time. And if you aren't (that is fine) then I would end the playdates for now.

[NiteNicole]

We have this situation in my family and I will step in and deal with it.  It is not parenting other people's children, it's not discipline, it's not punishment - but if someone's child is running all over mine and the parents aren't dealing with it, I will - and I won't apologize for that because I'm not wrong.  I'll take the toy back, I'll tell the other kid not to hit and sit there and make sure it doesn't happen.  I will also physically move them apart if I have to and I don't mind speaking directly to the child - if you hit again, you will have to play in the other room by your mom and dad. I don't mind plopping them in front of mom and dad and saying, she was hitting, you need to talk to her about that. 

I don't go out of my way to be mean and I am far and away everyone's favorite aunt.  They beg to spend the night at my house and if they need anything they find me and ask for it instead of finding their parents.  There are hugs as soon as they see me and tears when it's time to go.  I WANT all of our girls to have a good relationship because they're mostly onlies.  Cousins are as close to siblings as they're going to get - but I'm not keeping the peace at the expense of my child.  The parents must be ok with it, they certainly don't mind asking me to babysit.

It might feel uncomfortable at first, but honestly, after you do it a few times it's not that hard.  I use a very serious voice and get down and speak to whoever is doing the hitting or licking or whatever - and then I move on.  I don't dwell on it or fuss, but I let them know that an adult has seen this and I've told you no.  That usually puts an end to it for a while.

[KABB]

Our youngest is the same age as him but significantly smaller than he is. Our second youngest is 4 but E is about the same weight as he is. My oldest are 14 and almost 9.

Also, if the parents are aware of the behavior how would approaching them and asking them to "swap" supervising him work? They obviously know yet continue to walk away and leave him unsupervised. Even when they see the behavior they did little to efficiently correct it...like I said usually it's just a verbal "we don't do that' type deal. 

Originally Posted by insidevoice 

Yikes!  I guess I come at this from the other side  as it is my nearly-three who is kind of a brute. He's a physical  kid and pushing/pulling/grabbing etc are simply how he interacts with the world.   We are aware of it, and we are working on it, but what is it you wanted your nephew's parents to do?  They should have bee there to supervise, and in that situation simply chasing down one of the parents and saying, "Hey, E needs one of you to watch him- he's being pretty physical with the other kids and we need you to supervise him so they are able to play," when they were in the other room would have communicated to them what was necessary. 

Also, it sounds like three of your four kids are older than this little guy.  If the older ones were retaliating by yelling at him or pushing him away- I can see why they would get after bigger kids who SHOULD know better than to respond that way to a toddler who- regardless of his physical size, is really very much a toddler. 

I think my solution would be to talk with all the other adults and point out that you need to make sure one of the adults present is always interacting with the youngest kids. You can all swap off here and there, and that can help to prevent anything from happening as an adult will stop the destruction  of a toy before it starts, they can physically stop the pushing and help model words and gentle touches even before those behaviors happen.  It means that someone will need to be in arms reach at every moment- with several adults there though, that really isn't a hard thing to manage. 

[KABB]

In a nutshell: I am frustrated with the child himself because the child is the one hurting my children constantly. I am angry and frustrated with the parents because they allow their child (for whatever reason-whether it's because they don't know how to parent him, don't know how to correct it, are tired, or don't care to try/try consistently resolve the destructive behavior) to act in ways that continually hurt my children or break their things.

Also, as far as the normal toddler statement you made below...personally I think that's a cop-out. I have four kids at home and out of them only one leaned toward being physical aggression as a toddler. Having four kids at home I know some physical aggressiveness can happen even in the best behaved kids. However, I do NOT react to aggression in my children toward another person by walking away to allow him to offend again just out of my line of sight so I don't have to deal with and leave the child in the same situation with the same "tools" to re-offend. I feel personally that my child has absolutely no right to cause physical harm to another-sibling, relative, or stranger- and whether I am an AP parent choosing to gentle discipline or mainstream parent that spanks or something in between I will not allow that to happen repeatedly. That being said, very rarely are my two youngest (and I mention them and not the older two because they're closest in age to E) physically aggressive toward another on purpose. 

Originally Posted by Shami 

To me, this is more of a hey, parents! come watch your kid! issue than an issue with the kid himself. Some toddlers are really rough. Mine went through a year of pinching which turned to biting. I had to shadow her constantly and even with shadowing all i had to do was look away for a second and she'd pinch/bite. Ugg it was horrible as a parent to have YOUR kid doing that! Toddlers are going to push, kick, scream, pinch, bite, bang, etc. While he seems extra 'energetic' in this area, it's not HIS fault. Correct me if i am wrong, but it sounds like you are upset with the child and don't like him by the tone of your post. I am suggesting that you place all of your frustration on the parents and not the kid. I have a close friend whose child is very physical even when he is being friendly. We just have to supervise him a lot. Now my 3 year old, who used to bite and pinch, is very loving and typically doesn't hurt other kids. Toddlers grow out of it eventually unless they have deeper issues. These are the options i see for you: 1. Supervise the kids yourself and don't say anything to the parents. 2. Ask the parents to help you supervise the kids so no one gets hurt. 3. Don't go to functions with this family. I would go with number two. You can phrase it in a nice way. Something like, 'would you mind coming into the kids room to help me supervise the kids?' E is just being a normal toddler, but so and so is getting hurt and I don't want to say anything to E that you don't want me to say and i don't know what to do to help E be gentle.' Maybe you can think of a better way to say it. Most parents of the toddler who is hurting others feel really bad and embarrassed even though it really is a normal toddler behavior. Again, your real issue is that you feel the parents aren't watching him or doing anything about it.

ETA:  Why doesn't the format stay the way that i typed it!!!!!????  I can't stand that it just make my post into one long paragraph every time.  What am i doing wrong?

[ssh]

Being aggressive is normal toddler behavior. It sounds like the child is just trying to play or get your children to play with him. He may not realize he is being rough. Lot's of toddlers, even ones that aren't aggressive haven't figured out boundaries yet. Even some preschoolers deal with frustration by being aggressive. Some toddlers don't play well with peers until they are much older. Saying it's not the kids fault or that he will grow out of it is not a cop out, it's just saying that the responsibility lies with the parents. The most effective way to deal with aggression in a toddler is to shadow him and make sure he doesn't hurt another child by physically preventing him. If the toddler tries to hurt some one or does hurt some one, the parent should pick the child up saying "you have to place safely, if you can't play safely you can't play, come sit with mommy/daddy" and then keep the child. My DD used to throw sand or push occasionally as a toddler, and we'd leave anytime she did those things. A relative of mine had a little girl that would pinch or bite and her dad used to pick her up and keep her with him any time she did those things. Since the parents of your nephew aren't doing anything about it, I'd either bring the child to his parents and say "he's hurting people" or I'd take my kids and leave every single time and say you're not going to watch them be hurt. The parents might not know about things they could do, like time-ins or leaving. It doesn't sound like they are showing him how to touch gentle or even telling him to be gentle. A parent has to show a toddler who tends to play rough how to touch gentle. The parent says something every time the child is rough and strokes his hand or face gently while saying "touch gentle". 

[insidevoice]

Originally Posted by KABB 

Our youngest is the same age as him but significantly smaller than he is. Our second youngest is 4 but E is about the same weight as he is. My oldest are 14 and almost 9.

Also, if the parents are aware of the behavior how would approaching them and asking them to "swap" supervising him work? They obviously know yet continue to walk away and leave him unsupervised. Even when they see the behavior they did little to efficiently correct it...like I said usually it's just a verbal "we don't do that' type deal. 

His being a different size shouldn't matter- he is about the same age, and developmentally they don't DO playing nicely together in this age bracket without a lot of help from adults.   A four year old, on the other hand should absolutely know not to push and shove and hurt another child.  They may lose their temper occasionally, but by that time they do know it is inapropriate behavior and if your four year old reacts that way, though understandable, it is still wrong. 

If you don't trust the other parents to help supervise the kids, then you and your husband can swap off.  You can involve grandparents. You can enlist your 14 year old and your nine year old.  It seems to me that you are simply hoping for these people to do what you want them to in spite of their ongoing demonstration that they aren't going to do it.  You can stick with that dynamic or change it.  When someone notices him being too rough, remove him from the situation and plop him in one of his parents' laps with an explanation that he's struggling to play appropriately.  If that doesn't work for you, avoid the family gatherings. 

I see this from the POV  of a parent of a big, tall, solid brute of a nearly three year old with some language delays who knocks his little brother over on a regular basis.  I get the visceral reaction to seeing your youngest being hurt, but he won't learn unless the family works as a whole to teach him.  It is not ok that my son clobbers his brother, but it IS developmentally appropriate and  being upset with him would be a waste of energy that is better used to teach him to do things differently.  

Also, what you describe of this boy, forceful pushing/throwing/jumping/falling etc is very much sensory-seeking behavior. When you have sensory seeking behaviors, it's not as easy as saying 'don't do this.' They NEED to find an outlet, and they need the input, and the adults have to give them appropriate ways to do that.  What if, when he started jumping too hard on people, a pile of couch cushions was made on the floor and he was taught to jump on those instead of on other people?  What if, when he started pushing other kids, he was taken outside to a wagon full of heavy blocks and allowed to pull those all over the yard?  There are some really simple ways to work through this that don't involve painting this baby as a bad kid whose parents aren't good at parenting him. 
 

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by insidevoice 

There are some really simple ways to work through this that don't involve painting this baby as a bad kid whose parents aren't good at parenting him. 

In this instance the parents aren't doing a good job parenting. I can understand the frustration of the OP. If a child has a history of aggressive behavior the parents need to be always watching. It's easy for them to step away and relax- it's not their children being hurt.

If the parents are in the room or not, I would stop the two-yr old (gently) every-time with words, distraction or physically lifting toddler off and away from my own kids. You have a right, OP, to keep your kids safe and if these parents aren't doing it , and you have to be around them occasionally, you need to be directly involved.

[Just1More]

This kind of thing drives me crazy.  The worst part, to me, is that my careful instruction of my own children can be undone in an afternoon or two of subjecting them to this nonsense.  As far as your 4yo pushing, too...sure, the 4yo is supposed to know better, but what IS he supposed to do?  I am not opposed to my kids being physical to prevent personal injury.  They know not to start it, but defense is different.

Anyway, we've been in situations like this before, and what we do is:

1.) Not allow our children out of our sight, and frequently hold the smallest ones to keep them safe.

2.) Limit exposure.

3.) Intervene when necessary, returning the offending child to the parent.  If we get a sense that that is not going over well, I start very quietly and firmly talking to the other child. 

[mamazee]

I don't see this as being a problem with the toddler at all. Many, many toddlers get aggressive, and there's a range of normal as far as how aggressive. He isnt even 2 yet so my guess is it'll be a while before he outgrows it, and that isn't a cop out, it's just child development.

However, his parents should be tailing him and protecting others from his very normal toddler wrath until he does outgrow it, and their lack of supervision is IMO a very legitimate complaint. You can either talk to them about it, or be right there to protect your kids, or avoid them until he outgrows it, but there is no way to get a not-yet-2-year-old to become a 3-year-old except to wait a year or so.

[KABB]

I didn't mention size to compare maturity or what not. I mention his size because paired with his physical aggressive behavior his size can significantly hurt my kids, especially by youngest daughter that is significantly smaller than he his. 

Regarding your last statement, you may be right in a sense about him having some sort of issue (SPD maybe?) but you don't see what I see. I see his parents not parenting him, not making an effort to correct the behavior, and not giving him other outs. Regardless of WHY he is behaving this way they are not handling it appropriately and because of that he is physically hurting other kids.

I didn't post to play parent or doctor to this boy, to label him or try to diagnosis him. I posted because I am very angry and upset that my kids are getting hurt constantly by him. I posted for advice for no other reason than I want my kids to stop getting hurt by him. It's not as easy as just not letting them play together because we are family, physically close family. If it were I would have stopped them playing together already. 

Regardless of 

Originally Posted by insidevoice 

His being a different size shouldn't matter- he is about the same age, and developmentally they don't DO playing nicely together in this age bracket without a lot of help from adults.   A four year old, on the other hand should absolutely know not to push and shove and hurt another child.  They may lose their temper occasionally, but by that time they do know it is inapropriate behavior and if your four year old reacts that way, though understandable, it is still wrong. 

If you don't trust the other parents to help supervise the kids, then you and your husband can swap off.  You can involve grandparents. You can enlist your 14 year old and your nine year old.  It seems to me that you are simply hoping for these people to do what you want them to in spite of their ongoing demonstration that they aren't going to do it.  You can stick with that dynamic or change it.  When someone notices him being too rough, remove him from the situation and plop him in one of his parents' laps with an explanation that he's struggling to play appropriately.  If that doesn't work for you, avoid the family gatherings. 

I see this from the POV  of a parent of a big, tall, solid brute of a nearly three year old with some language delays who knocks his little brother over on a regular basis.  I get the visceral reaction to seeing your youngest being hurt, but he won't learn unless the family works as a whole to teach him.  It is not ok that my son clobbers his brother, but it IS developmentally appropriate and  being upset with him would be a waste of energy that is better used to teach him to do things differently.  

Also, what you describe of this boy, forceful pushing/throwing/jumping/falling etc is very much sensory-seeking behavior. When you have sensory seeking behaviors, it's not as easy as saying 'don't do this.' They NEED to find an outlet, and they need the input, and the adults have to give them appropriate ways to do that.  What if, when he started jumping too hard on people, a pile of couch cushions was made on the floor and he was taught to jump on those instead of on other people?  What if, when he started pushing other kids, he was taken outside to a wagon full of heavy blocks and allowed to pull those all over the yard?  There are some really simple ways to work through this that don't involve painting this baby as a bad kid whose parents aren't good at parenting him. 
 

[KABB]

Are you a professional in child development? Since you seem to be, I have a question for you. How likely is it that given his parents lack of handling him in a consistent, constructive way he will outgrow his aggressive behavior? If he's never corrected, giving other-constructive- outs, taught how to handle his anger and frustration, or taught positive ways of getting/seeking attention all he'll know/learn is to continue to be aggressive. 
 

Originally Posted by mamazee 

I don't see this as being a problem with the toddler at all. Many, many toddlers get aggressive, and there's a range of normal as far as how aggressive. He isnt even 2 yet so my guess is it'll be a while before he outgrows it, and that isn't a cop out, it's just child development.

However, his parents should be tailing him and protecting others from his very normal toddler wrath until he does outgrow it, and their lack of supervision is IMO a very legitimate complaint. You can either talk to them about it, or be right there to protect your kids, or avoid them until he outgrows it, but there is no way to get a not-yet-2-year-old to become a 3-year-old except to wait a year or so.

[ssh]

Kids do outgrow aggressive behaviors on their own. They begin to be able to read social cues, begin to notice boundaries and people reactions when boundaries aren't respected, begin to become aware of how strong they are. Some kids seem to still be learning these things in preschool and kindergarten. Sometimes just letting the toddler play with mostly older children until they outgrow being aggressive can work with out anything else needed. There were a couple of kids in my DD's 4/5 class that are still working on using their words instead of violence when they are frustrated or annoyed. I've explained to my DD that they are still learning how to be civil and told her that she sometimes had those problems when she was younger. I encourage her to let an adult know but not to use violence herself.

None of this matters because until he outgrows being aggressive you need to protect your children. His parents should be the ones following him and making sure he doesn't hurt people and break stuff. Since they aren't you either have to or you can go home the first time one of your kids gets hurt. The drama will happen after you leave, because you left, and maybe after it happens a few times the parents will start supervising more. If they want to be lazy, they could just put him in a backpack. You could tell your dad that you don't want your children picking up aggressive behavior or to doubt that you will keep them safe so if anyone gets hurt you and your children are going home. You could say you don't want your children to dislike visiting their grandparents or develop negative feelings about it because they are always getting hurt.

[Shami]

Kabb, are you now frustrated with some of the posters who are giving advice to you. You asked for advice and now you don't want to hear it? It's fine to disagree, but your tone sounds like you are aggrivated with some of us. It's not a cop out to say that toddler aggression is very normal. Obviously E's parents are copping out since they are not doing anything about it. While there are some toddlers who are more laid back and don't have trouble with this, there are just as many aggressive toddlers with proactive parents who struggle with how to discipline their aggressive toddlers. I know myself and at least 3 other parents who are very proactive and had this trouble with their toddler. It's great that yours never had the problem. I continually shadowed mine, i tried time out, i tried leaving the 'fun' and going home. I even resorted to spanking. You could probably find my old threads about it. She finally matured and the closer she got to three the less it occurred. Now she is fine and loving toward other children. This is absolutely a child development issue, but it doesn't mean the parent should stand by and do nothing. Please try not to be angry with the child. The child cannot help it. I find it odd that your family is so close, but you don't feel comfortable correcting or taking charge of all the cousins. Even with my close friends, (not family) we are all okay with each other correcting and taking care of conflicts. None of us is afraid to let each other know what happened (if it is serious enough) in their absence. If you are supervising, and E's parents aren't there maybe you could sit E on your lap whenever he hurts someone. Do a time in with him. Surely this wouldn't offend E's parents if they walk in and you are holding E on your lap because he was hurting some one. I know you don't want to 'parent' him, but i consider this to be a normal thing any Aunty would do for their nephew. If you are not able or willing to have a reasonable talk with the parents about it, then your only option is to do all the supervising your self until E grow out of it. That means you will end up doing some parenting for E ( Parenting from the Aunty's perspective). I truly posted because i thought you wanted some advice or different perspectives. Since i had an aggressive toddler, i thought i'd throw my 2 cents into the pot. Sorry if i have offended you in any way. You are in a tough spot, and i hope it gets better soon. I was wondering what your dh wants or thinks you should do? Since it is his brother, maybe he could handle it?

[Callimom]

I think I would tackle this two ways - assuming you don't want to directly talk to the parents about this issue.

I would resign myself to shadowing this child for a period of time and every single time he gets aggressive I would pick him up saying something like "It's not okay for you to hit, push, whatever other people. You need to use your words and gentle hands" and then I would carry him to his parents, physically hand him to them and say calmly and without judgement - "Your child is hurting other children.  He either needs you to come and help to play safely or to you need to occupy him away from others so that no one gets hurt."  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Teach your older children to do the same. Over time he will either learn that he can't play that way because it's no fun to be constantly interrupted or the parents will get a clue that they need to up their game when your kids are around.

Good luck - it sounds like a drag.

Karen