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You have five children and not a single one of them has hit, bitten, kicked, or pushed another child ever? I find that very hard to believe. If its true, consider yourself lucky to have such mild mannered children.
Anyway OP, I have a toddler who is somewhat aggressive, and at just shy of 2yo he was TERRIBLE - disciplining him was exhausting as it seemed like the only thing I ever did. He's 27mo now and its MUCH better.
Whenever I got together with other people it seemed pointless to even try discipline - b/c if I had left whenever he hit or pushed, we would have been out the door within 10seconds of arriving. Every time. I tried, but it just didn't work. We didn't do much int he way of play dates for a long time! We did that at the playground near our home, and we would have to leave within 5minutes every.single.time until he grew out of it. (mostly - now we can stay for up to 45min without any issues, and we usually leave for other reasons)
Oddly enough, he's a perfect angel at daycare. 
I have to chime in here, as I have a good friend w/a very aggressive son. He is 4.5 now, and still has issues w/his aggression. He also has an integrated sensory disorder and food sensitivities, which from my limited knowledge often go hand in hand. Could something like this be going on w/your nephew? I can tell you that I definitely sympathize w/your situation. It is very tricky. You don't want to hurt the parent's feelings or knock their parenting (or lack of), you don't want your kids to get hurt, and you are frustrated. I totally feel ya. In my situation, my friend and I have really worked together when we get the kids together. It takes both of us, plus anyone else big enough to help. Over time, and if he hasn't accidentally gotten something to eat that he reacts to, is has gotten better, but he definitely has his days. And my youngest is not an angel all the time, either, but she is definitely way less aggressive than he is. They are 3 wks apart in age, too, but he is WAY stronger. My dd speaks way better, and sometimes I wonder if that's why her aggression has calmed down so much. When they were little bitty, she was a biter--my first one ever. Then he'd hit, bite, kick, etc. Then she learned to hit from him. We had about a year where everytime they'd come to play, they'd end up leaving when his aggression was out of control. There were plenty of times when they would only be here a half hour before she'd have to take him home. Anyway, for the longest time now we both take turns supervising. If she is nursing her new baby, I'll take over. If I'm in the bathroom or making snacks, she'll take over. Otherwise one of my older kids will help out. Anytime he starts to get aggressive, either he or my dd is removed from the situation. He gets talked to, reminded about using 'gentle hands', and reminded that he'll have to go home if he is unable to calm down. ANYTIME a child is at my home I feel I have to right to step in and if that means talking very sternly to a child, removing that child from a situation, or whathaveyou, I will do it. It is my home and my rules. I feel very strongly, OP, that you should really try to open up some dialog w/the parents of this child. I understand how his aggression can make you frustrated w/him, but this is totally something ALL the adults around should be helping with. If you all are going to be around each other so much, this has to be dealt with. If the parents (and your dh should initiate the conversation, btw) refuse to actively supervise and intervene when necessary, either you and your dh and your older kids can do it, or you'll have to leave/ask the other family to leave. I hope you find a way to resolve this and keep your relationships intact. It's hard, it really is. At least my friend sees the issues and is totally willing to remove her son/intervene/supervise when needed. It really does sound like he could potentially have some sensory issues, and also possibly food issues. How is his diet? It might really be a situation that he could benefit from a doc. visit, esp. to see about food allergies. Good luck, OP.
I have an aggressive toddler and can totally see myself acting as your in laws do. Because I don't know what to do when my son acts that way..no matter what I try it just fuels him to continue. He loves the reaction he causes. I would love for someone else to step in and show him nice touches or remove him from the situation for a bit because he will listen to them and not go into a monster tantrum like he does when I say it. So maybe they just don't know what to do and if you step in and model for them the reaction you would like to see it will help them..or maybe you will see that what you think they should be doing is completely ineffective and that's why they are not doing it. (As for me I have avoided social situations that include my son for over a year now..not fun but as he gets closer to 3 he is less aggressive.)
To me, this is more of a hey, parents! come watch your kid! issue than an issue with the kid himself. Some toddlers are really rough. Mine went through a year of pinching which turned to biting. I had to shadow her constantly and even with shadowing all i had to do was look away for a second and she'd pinch/bite. Ugg it was horrible as a parent to have YOUR kid doing that! Toddlers are going to push, kick, scream, pinch, bite, bang, etc. .... Most parents of the toddler who is hurting others feel really bad and embarrassed even though it really is a normal toddler behavior. Again, your real issue is that you feel the parents aren't watching him or doing anything about it.
I have a very spirited dd who went through the biting, pinching, hitting, throwing, kicking, pushing phase for one and a half years. It was horrible. I was a first time parent trying to practice gentle discipline and I had no idea what to do with my child. We were attending AP playgroups regularly and no one knew what to do with my child. I read, read, read everything I could get my hands on. I tried new technique after new technique. Nothing worked to correct the behavior. The only thing I could do was shadow her every move and try my best to prevent her from hurting others. It was exhausting. It was frustrating. It was hell. I was embarrassed, I was mortified, I was sad. I knew my dd to be a very special little person, but all of her great qualities were over shadowed by her need to physically interact with her friends.
Now, I do not know how your in-laws are feeling or what they have tried, but I do think that it is very much worth a conversation IF you want to maintain a relationship with them and your nephew. They may be so exhausted, so fed up that they just cannot figure out what to do. Or they may think that what is happening is fine (a "boys will be boys" attitude) and that you're fine with it since you haven't said anything directly yet. The best thing that someone could have done for me would have been to approach me with sympathy and constructive ideas.
Being aggressive is normal toddler behavior. It sounds like the child is just trying to play or get your children to play with him. He may not realize he is being rough. Lot's of toddlers, even ones that aren't aggressive haven't figured out boundaries yet. Even some preschoolers deal with frustration by being aggressive. Some toddlers don't play well with peers until they are much older. Saying it's not the kids fault or that he will grow out of it is not a cop out, it's just saying that the responsibility lies with the parents.
Yes. Some of us are blessed with kids that never hurt anyone or anything. Some of us are blessed with spirited children that have a constant need to be physical. These are just variations of normal. It is not a cop-out and the quicker parents can realize this, the sooner a resolution can be found. I'm not saying this if FAIR, but if you would like to work with the situation to make it better for everyone right now, then you may have to be the one to pick up some books and come up with ideas. I would suggest starting with Raising Your Spirited Child. Otherwise, you may very well have to wait until your nephew turns 3 or even 4 before he can better control himself. My dd is now 4.5 and I haven't had a situation with her hurting a peer in a long time.
His being a different size shouldn't matter- he is about the same age, and developmentally they don't DO playing nicely together in this age bracket without a lot of help from adults.
If you don't trust the other parents to help supervise the kids, then you and your husband can swap off. You can involve grandparents. You can enlist your 14 year old and your nine year old.
I see this from the POV of a parent of a big, tall, solid brute of a nearly three year old with some language delays who knocks his little brother over on a regular basis. I get the visceral reaction to seeing your youngest being hurt, but he won't learn unless the family works as a whole to teach him. It is not ok that my son clobbers his brother, but it IS developmentally appropriate and being upset with him would be a waste of energy that is better used to teach him to do things differently.
Also, what you describe of this boy, forceful pushing/throwing/jumping/falling etc is very much sensory-seeking behavior. When you have sensory seeking behaviors, it's not as easy as saying 'don't do this.' They NEED to find an outlet, and they need the input, and the adults have to give them appropriate ways to do that. What if, when he started jumping too hard on people, a pile of couch cushions was made on the floor and he was taught to jump on those instead of on other people? What if, when he started pushing other kids, he was taken outside to a wagon full of heavy blocks and allowed to pull those all over the yard? There are some really simple ways to work through this that don't involve painting this baby as a bad kid whose parents aren't good at parenting him.
I agree with everything said here. I know you said you don't want to diagnose your nephew, but the reality of the situation may be that he does have sensory seeking behaviors (a form of Sensory Processing Disorder). If this is indeed the case, he may need extra help to deal with his impulses. A good place to start is reading Sensational Kids. We sought out an evaluation for my dd and while she had many of the red flags and the OT thought she could benefit from occupational therapy, she didn't make progress with their techniques. So, in her case, she does not have SPD, but is highly spirited. Knowing all this information, however, and going through the process has allowed me to understand her better and come up with new strategies for dealing with her behavior. It is a learning process for us all.
All this being said, I can feel your frustration and anger. I get it. I do. Especially if your in-laws are simply choosing not to educate themselves or try anything new. I just strongly believe that parents and especially families need to help each other out, support each other, and work together to find solutions for the good of everyone. Compassionate parenting for a compassionate world.
I've been working with toddlers for over 25 years, and have only run across a very, very few aggressive toddlers. I don't find it common at all.
Somehow this double posted... edited to delete.
OP, I can totally sympathize. We had friends (not family, so not the same, I know) who had a very aggressive two year old. I don't hold anything against him, but I can honestly say that he was tough to be around. I never felt like I could relax, and my kids were older - 5 and 7. It was frustrating that I had to sit and supervise my kids carefully as they played just so they didn't get tormented by this two year old, while everyone else was just kicking back and relaxing.
At one point he bit my daughter on the face hard enough to leave a nasty bruise that lasted all week, I saw the whole thing and she did not instigate it, she was just bending down to pick up a toy that he suddenly decided that he wanted. (Her own toy) We decided to avoid this family after that, but then we were missing out on the entire group of friends, because they all made plans together and we kept bowing out. (This is similar to the family part you deal with. It is tough to know the entire family is getting together for holidays, birthdays and what not and you are not) The girls were sad and missing their other friends, and we were missing our friends, so we eventually began joining the gatherings again.
I do not condone or recommend this, but my husband finally told the boy's dad that he was instructing our girls to hit back from now on, and wouldn't you know, his parents suddenly took an interest in keeping an eye on him and correcting his behavior. (They were very lax before, assuming all of the other parents would be watching while they relaxed) Of course I wouldn't instruct my 7 year old to hit a two year old, or any other child, but when they are being tightly strangled by anyone, I don't care how big or little they are, I am ok with an elbow to the ribs or whatever they have to do to get themselves out of a bad situation. I am their advocate until they can advocate for themselves, and I don't want them to think for one second that I am not protecting them. It is so very hard to be compassionate when your kids have bruises on their bodies.
I've been working with toddlers for over 25 years, and have only run across a very, very few aggressive toddlers. I don't find it common at all.
A lot of parents who have 2 year olds that just aren't behaving appropriately keep them home until they grow out of their troublesome phase. My DD was friendly aggressive. She wanted to hug and kiss other kids. She wanted to wrestle. She got very excited and was overwhelming for many, maybe most, of her peers. If we were outside it was usually fine, but indoors she was too intense, too high energy and other children seemed overwhelmed. So we stopped doing indoor group activities. Hey we didn't do restaurants for about a year. She occasionally threw sand or pushed, both were trying to play actions. We always left the moment she wasn't being safe to play with. I didn't put her in preschool until she was developmentally ready to listen to someone else and had started reading social cues abit better, right before she turned 4. So if a lot of us are keeping our little ones who aren't able to play well with their peers at home or with older kids then of course you aren't seeing our children.
In my DD's preschool classes, a 3's class and a 4/5 class, we've come across 3 very aggressive kids, 4 if you count a second grade sibling. Hey that's 3 out of 34 kids. And these are kids over 3 years old when many have outgrown aggressiveness. It's nice you haven't had to deal with many aggressive toddlers, but that doesn't mean it isn't normal developmentally. The books on human development all say it's normal too, not just some parents here on a forum.
I've been working with toddlers for over 25 years, and have only run across a very, very few aggressive toddlers. I don't find it common at all.
Hmmm. I wonder if this is a case of differing definitions? My children have been fairly well-behaved, but I haven't met any toddlers (including my own) I'd allow to play with a baby without an adult right next to them, for example. My 19mo is in daycare, and the teachers are constantly intervening to keep them from taking toys from one another, stepping on one another, throwing toys, pushing one another, screeching at one another, etc. Sometimes their actions are out of anger or frustration, other times not. I can't imagine that that is uncommon.
I mean, all animals teach their young what behavior is acceptable, and all young animals learn the consequences of their actions. Maybe we are defining aggression differently, but I have met very few toddlers who DON'T display some aggressive behavior.
Hmmm. I wonder if this is a case of differing definitions? My children have been fairly well-behaved, but I haven't met any toddlers (including my own) I'd allow to play with a baby without an adult right next to them, for example. My 19mo is in daycare, and the teachers are constantly intervening to keep them from taking toys from one another, stepping on one another, throwing toys, pushing one another, screeching at one another, etc. Sometimes their actions are out of anger or frustration, other times not. I can't imagine that that is uncommon.
I mean, all animals teach their young what behavior is acceptable, and all young animals learn the consequences of their actions. Maybe we are defining aggression differently, but I have met very few toddlers who DON'T display some aggressive behavior.
I sympathize with you OP b/c my DD is a very gentle toddler and gets "beat up" a lot by other kids. I just try to watch DD like a hawk when an aggressive kid is around and I protect her the best I can. I will usually just try to distract the other kid if I notice them about to do something aggressive. If it is real bad I will just start really playing something fun with the aggressor so they are entertained, b/c well they are just babies too. I have never had an issue with a mom for playing with their kid KWIM?
Yes natural consequences ect are important too but some kids do just incessantly hit/bite/kick ect and I am not going to have my DD have bruises and blood b/c some baby keeps biting her and their mom is doing nothing...(and yes she has had them all!)
I've been working with toddlers for over 25 years, and have only run across a very, very few aggressive toddlers. I don't find it common at all.
I wonder what situation you deal with toddlers in. My DS can be very aggressive when I'm the one supervising, but I never get anything other than pure glowing reports from his daycare teachers. He doesn't push, bite, hit or kick while he's at daycare - apparently he saves it all for me.
OP, my inclination is to try talking to your relatives about their ds. Not in an accusing way, obviously, but as "here's the problem, how can we solve it?" If they aren't responsive I think I'd lay it on the line for them with "I will not let your son hurt my kids. I will not hurt your son, but if need be I will be moving him to keep him from hurting people."
I wonder what situation you deal with toddlers in. My DS can be very aggressive when I'm the one supervising, but I never get anything other than pure glowing reports from his daycare teachers. He doesn't push, bite, hit or kick while he's at daycare - apparently he saves it all for me.
My friend's son does this, too. If his mom leaves him here w/me, he is 99% angel. The instant she comes home, he gets insane. One exception was the other day when he hit/kicked/spit/bucked for 20 minutes until he was gasping "WATER" and clutching his little throat. We have alot of environmental allergens floating around like crazy though, and we've all been affected by it. His behavior has been nutso because of it, or it was triggered by food, but we haven't figured out which food it might have been. I had to pick him up, remove him from the room, take him into my room and lock the door. I stayed across the room from him (because he freaked if I got near) until he finally "came back". He gets like he's not even here...I've had another child here before who was the opposite. She'd completely freak because her mom went to work/wasn't there for a nap, etc., but that was due to domestic issues between her parents.
OP, I've been thinking about this thread alot and do hope that you talk to your dh about this thread and come up w/some ideas about confronting the parents.
You have five children and not a single one of them has hit, bitten, kicked, or pushed another child ever? I find that very hard to believe. If its true, consider yourself lucky to have such mild mannered children.
Anyway OP, I have a toddler who is somewhat aggressive, and at just shy of 2yo he was TERRIBLE - disciplining him was exhausting as it seemed like the only thing I ever did. He's 27mo now and its MUCH better.
Whenever I got together with other people it seemed pointless to even try discipline - b/c if I had left whenever he hit or pushed, we would have been out the door within 10seconds of arriving. Every time. I tried, but it just didn't work. We didn't do much int he way of play dates for a long time! We did that at the playground near our home, and we would have to leave within 5minutes every.single.time until he grew out of it. (mostly - now we can stay for up to 45min without any issues, and we usually leave for other reasons)
Oddly enough, he's a perfect angel at daycare.
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