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DTD - will it ever be fun again???

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 

Hello.  I am a FTM to my DS who is 5 mths old.  I delivered naturally and it took a fair bit of time for me to heal. We ebf and from what I understand my hormones are basically "occupied" with making milk so therefore I have zero interst in DTD.  And I mean zero greensad.gif.  Before we got pregnant and up to about the 3rd tri DH and i very much enjoyed each other.  Very Much joy.gif.  But now I am always dodging DH's advances or we dtd and i get nothing from it!  I am concerned that it will start to affect our relationship.. I mean its sometimes hard enough with the transition from it being just the two of us.  We love our DS dearly but this is quite the learning curve that we are on; and some days I am just exhausted!  DS is still so young and needs me 24/7 so I have no time to get romantic with DH, heck I can't remember the last time I even shaved my legs!

 

So I am wondering, will the desire to dtd come back to me eventhough I am bf?  Because I plan to bf for at least 1 year or more - it all depends on when DS is ready to wean. 

 

ps, i absolutely love these forums!!!

namaste.gif

post #2 of 10

I got the 'urge' back after I weaned both of mine. I explained the whole hormone thing to DH and it seemed to make sense to him, so he cut me some slack in that department. I mean, it's hard for your body to want to be interested in creating another human when it's occupied! lol

post #3 of 10
I think it is common that it takes a while. I got the interest back around 11 months, and talking to friends (who are also breastfeeding long term), between 6 months and 14 months seem quite common. I've read somewhere that it takes, on average, 9 months for your body to recover from the birth, so it is quite possible that that lays in. I know that I certainly didn't breastfeed much less at 11 months than I had before, and 2 of my friends have babies who only breastfed for nearly the first year, one got interest back around 8 months, the other at 10 months.
post #4 of 10

It took me awhile to gain interests back after both my babes, I can't remember how long with DD1 exactly, but I know it was awhile and interest came back much sooner with DD2. Neither have weaned yet, though, so I'm not sure how much of a connection there it, but you're a new mum! You are worried about a lot of other things, and yes, your hormones have other things to do, but that is true breastfeeding or not. Chances are, you;re also probably getting less sleep than you were used to, and I think for me that has the most to do with it. Even though, er.. "interest" (ha!) has returned for me, when things get rough, like teeth coming in, and I am not sleeping as well and am tired and have more stress during my day, the *last* thing I want to have anything to do with is getting romantic. ROTFLMAO.gif

post #5 of 10
Thread Starter 

thank you for the replies.  I so glad to know that i'm normal! wink1.gif

post #6 of 10

Ameerah - that is one ADORABLE baby!  

For me it was different with all three kids - my first - i did NOT breastfeed and still interest did not return until DD was at least 8 - 9 months or so.  My second i did b-feed and my interest actually returned pretty quickly - but it was nearly a year before it was  joy.gif                         and now after the third - EBF again and i think my interest returned by 6 weeks....lol - however my  (new) DH was in complete shell shock and wouldnt come near me!    Now hes working two jobs and is always 'too tired'  - i think he thinks everytime we have sex he will have to go out and get another job.....

 

post #7 of 10

Sexual interest is complex and can be affected by many factors. Since not all breastfeeding mothers loose interest we can't say breastfeeding hormones will make a woman loose interest. Some breastfeeding mothers actually have an increased interest in sex. Sexual issues after a woman becomes a mother commonly have to do with psychosocial factors and also occur in women who choose to not breastfeed.

 

A woman can spend many years pregnant and/or breastfeeding. I breastfed each of my children at least the recommended minimum of 2 years and spent a grand total of 10 years pregnant or breastfeeding. It wouldn't have been reasonable to have the attitude that I would just wait until I weaned to work out my sexual issues.

 

Mothering Magazine had an article years ago about a psychologist that specializes in woman's issues named Lonnie Barbach. She wrote a book called For Yourself that has help many women with their sexual responsiveness. It is an older book and she may have more recent books out. I highly recommend the book.

post #8 of 10
Thread Starter 

thank you motherhendoula  for the compliment. And thank you everyone for your comments.  Now i've got researching to do!

post #9 of 10
I'm going to move this out to the general forum, since it is such a common concern, and I believe you'll get more responses there. Thank you for understanding.
post #10 of 10

Having a baby is a whole new can of beans. I'm not even sure that it has much to do with breastfeeding. There is so much going on, body issues, new roles, less sleep, many lifestyle changes. 

 

One thing that helped me feel like a sexual human being again, was to embrace the inherent sexuality of my new role. As a mother, my sexuality is obvious, no way could I be mistaken for a virgin. And all that sex I've been having has paid off in a real, tangible way!  In the most basic biologic way, the baby is the whole point of having sexuality at all. Birthing the baby, and feeding the baby from my breasts, is a continuation of my sexuality as a woman. It's a spectrum over a lifetime. 

 

Another thing that helped a lot was feeling like my body is a sexy place to live again. Yes it's a baby factory and a dairy, and neither of those things are exactly "hot". Maybe I will never lose the baby weight. Maybe I'll be loosey-goosey down below. Maybe anal is out forever thanks to hemorrhoids. But you know what, thank God my clit still works. And my husband still seems to dig me, hairy legs and stretchmarks and BO and all. Buying a really cute nursing bra, maybe black lace, or something with polka dots (they have both at target) and some panties that fit and have no stains, went a really long way toward making me feel good about sex. For some women, maybe it would be taking a minute to shave or nair, or paint your nails, or an outfit that fits & flatters. Or maybe it could be rediscovering sexy feelings through lingerie, toys, or erotic media.

 

Also, sex is often a need that only comes second to more immediate needs. When I'm not eating well, upset about things, rushing around too much, or never getting a chance to do things I enjoy, wanting sexual contact goes on the back burner. Similarly, I can't really think about going ahead and trying to have fun with sex as a gift for my husband or to try to meet his needs, if my needs are not being met.

 

But yes, it will be fun again. Actually, parenting has brought us closer and that has enhanced many aspects of our relationship, including intimacy. Similarly, the changes in my body sometimes seem to work in my favor, with easier and bigger climaxes. And giving birth has made me less modest, less prissy, less prudish. I pushed a baby out, I am no longer concerned with things like farting. We don't get to have sex as often as we'd like, because having a kid is exhausting!  But when we do, it's great, and keeps getting better & better. I wish the same for you!

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