Breastfeeding power struggles

[namistenicole]

My DD is almost 2.5 and I am ready to wean - but she definitely is not. The thing that makes me want to wean the most is the way it has become a power struggle and source of conflict between us. I decided as a compromise that I was willing to nurse in the morning, at nap and at bedtime. But she still asks for it repeatedly throughout the day, sometimes instead of food. She is very demanding about it - tells me where to sit, how long to stay there, which side, etc. - and often gets very upset if I refuse. I'm ready to be moving toward occasional nursing, but that doesn't seem like a realistic thing for her. What do you do about nursing power struggles? Do you nurse on demand at this age, or do you have boundaries around time and place? Should I put her in a baby carrier and have more snuggle time instead? I'd love some advice and to hear how you handle this.

[D_McG]

How long have you given the limits? I weaned both of mine by age 2 so don't have experience with beginning limits at that age but when I did start limits with my second (sometime around 15 mos?) it took a few days of drama before she got that I wasn't budging. Then we settled into a nice pattern where it was on my terms and she got to learn other soothing/relating skills to make life in general more pleasurable for all involved

[LizzieRed]

I had a very similar issue with my DD at 2.5 years as well.  She was very demanding and bossy during the day, and also nursed all night and often would insist on sleeping latched on, which was driving me crazy.  We tried all sorts of limits based on time of day and place.  We tried nightweaning with Dr. Gordon's method and the "no-cry sleep solution", nothing worked and she'd have big tantrums, especially at night. 

Finally out of sheer desperation (and my husband's somewhat insistence) we weaned her cold turkey.  We talked to her about Mommy's milk going away for a few weeks then it went away as scheduled....I was totally worried about how it would go...but she just accepted it and moved on.  The first few nights were hard, but in 2 weeks she was sleeping all night in her own bed.  I was shocked!!

In retrospect I can see that the limits were too hard for her to understand, she felt it was her milk and she wanted it when she wanted it and couldn't process the limitations.  No milk is just something that she can understand for some reason.

After she weaned I was the one who was sad and felt somewhat depressed!  I was ready to end the nursing relationship that we had fallen into - but had to sort of mourn the way I had wanted our nursing relationship to go.  I had wanted DD to taper off to morning and night nursing sessions just for the two of us to cuddle and reconnect - but it just never happened.  She is a very active and intense girl and I had to end up doing what worked best for her instead of what I wanted.  I guess I'll be doing a lot of that for the next 20 years, huh?

[namistenicole]

Awesome, thanks LizzieRed. I can echo a lot of what you're saying. I think my choices are to nurse on her schedule or not at all - I don't think DD is a moderation kind of girl ;). I'm not sure where I fall yet... thanks for your insight.

[tibeca]

I think it is important when setting limits to not set too many at once. Go slow so that your little one can learn each new limit before moving on.

This sounds very much like a matter of consistency and LOTS of patience. Nursing at this age is about teaching respect for each other.At 2 1/2 children realize that they can say no. They want control of what is theirs and it can be hard. Getting into a power struggle with a child isn't worth it. Set limits, and give your daughter chance to make some decisions herself.  

If my older DD asks to nurse (she's 3), I say yes or not right now. If I say yes, then I dictate which side, where we sit, etc. If she doesn't like it, a firm but gentle, "You may nurse here or not at all," is all I offer. A temper tantrum means we aren't nursing right now, and instead need to deal with the problem (frustration, anger, etc.). A temper tantrum/screaming match is not a mark against you as a parent. At this age, kids get angry and don't have the words they need to get through it. Be prepared to be there when the "storm" is over, to guide them back to feeling like themselves again.

With patience and dedication you don't have to give up nursing, BUT it will take some time.3wq

[pinky]

One thing I noticed with both my kids was that when I was feeling particularly touched out or overwhelmed with nursing, suddenly they would want to nurse all. the. time.  I would say "not now" and then they would freak out and then we'd get over that hump and then I'd pull back and they'd grab on hard and want to nurse more.

This may sound counterintuitive, but what worked best was when I could take a deep breath and just say yes, yes, yes to nursing for a day or two.  Then they would relax and not suddenly be so grabby and needy for nursing.  It's like once they realized that the nursies weren't going away, we could all relax.  Things would calm and we'd get into a better groove.

Just my experience, which held true for both of my very different nursers.

p.s. and yes, I think extra snuggle time and non-nursing closeness will help meet some of those needs that are met by nursing, and can also help.

[namistenicole]

Thank you tibeca, that was a lovely response. It gives me a lot of food for thought.

pinky, I've experienced that too. That's what I've been doing this week and we're a lot less stressed.