Newbie looking for support with 14 month old- time to nightwean or just stick it out?

[millies mama]

After reading these forums for almost a year, I'm finally posting to see if any of you mama's can offer some support and/or advice...I 've NEVER posted on a forum before, but reading through these forums have become something of a lifesaver for me as I don't know any AP mamas! I don't want to nightwean but am facing increasing pressure from all sides to do just that!Sorry for the long post....

My DD is almost 14months old and she's an amazing little girl, partly I'm sure, due to AP. We cosleep and BF but she eats a large variety of solids throughout the day as well. She's very attached to me (my mum says "clingy") but is always giggling and smiling and seems very clever - she can already say a few words and seems to understand everything I say!

My 'problem' is that she still night nurses up to 8 times a night....sometimes, on a really good night, just 3 times (between 7 and 7), but normally more.  

She nurses to sleep for her one nap a day and I lie next to her, reading or sleeping. She'll nap for just one 40min sleep cycle, or sometimes, if I nurse her when she stirs, she'll go back to sleep for 1+ hour. If it's the right time of day, she'll fall asleep in the car no problem, obviously without nursing, but as soon as we get home, she'll be wide awake, even if she's only had a 10min nap.

She nurses to sleep on the sofa at night, moving to the family bed when I go, between 9 and 10pm. DH works away Mon-Fri, so I have just been doing what's easiest for me I suppose, as I have done 100% of nightwakings.  She ALWAYS stirs after the first 40mins at night, so I quickly slip back next to her, nurse her a bit more then she usually goes straight back to sleep. If she gets disturbed at this point, she'll stay awake for another couple of hours. When she wakes in the night she starts snuffling around for the boob, has a quick feed (3mins or so) then she's back to sleep again.  I have done the PPO with some success but it doesn't help the number of night wakings. A couple of months ago she started popping off the boob on her own a few times and rolling over to go to sleep and even going back to sleep with just a bit of shushing and patting - I thought we were really getting somewhere.  But recently, she's stopped that and its back to boob or she'll wake herself up crying and will take a couple of hours to get back to sleep. She has slept for 5 hours straight on a few occasions, and even a 6 hour stretch once, but normally its more like 3 hours tops. Maybe 3 or 4 times, DH has got up with her in the morning at the weekend so I can have an extra hour in bed, but I'm still shattered.

My parents have just been staying with us for a month, so i have had 4 weeks of nonstop not-so-subtle hints about how she needs to be in her own bed, how she's just greedy, how she'll be breastfeeding at 16, how she's just manipulating me, how she needs a buggy not a sling etc etc. I live in Spain so no AP groups round here that I know of, and all my friends with kids are following the more traditional parenting route, which is fine for them, but just not my style. DH has been dropping hints about feeling neglected, how we don't go out anymore (he goes out but I stay in with DD!) and how maybe she should go in her own room. I love my DH but I feel that we should wait till she's nightweaned before making such a big transition. 

Sorry for the vent but I feel torn between doing what I feel is right for my DD and what everyone else seems to think I should do. I don't mention being tired to anyone except DH, as friends and family think I'm a fool to cosleep with and BF a 14 month old anyway, and I'm not so exhausted that I can't parent effectively (I think!). I suppose I just really want to hear from you mamas who have BTDT and have come out the other side unscathed!  I love cosleeping and BF and really don't think that DD is ready to transition to her own bed yet - she's still so little really!  My DH should be between jobs for a month or so from June so in theory he could help with nightweaning if we go down that route, but DD refuses to be soothed by him and only wants me. Any ideas...or witty one-liners I can use with my mum? Thanks for reading this!

[D_McG]

If you're 'shattered' I would nightwean for sure. My son nursed like that and it just got really old. Your mom needs to back off but I'd night wean for my own sanity.

[carmen358]

*hug* mama. I could have written most of your post! My DD is now almost 16 mos and sounds very similar to your little one. The main difference seems to be that she rarely (only once or twice) wakes up for longer than a few minutes at night and is very easy to get back to sleep. However, she wakes A LOT and it's so, so hard. I sort of, not really, kinda tried to nightwean awhile back and she was having none of it. If I refuse to nurse and cuddle instead she FLIPS out...to the point of coughing from crying so hard. And that happens within 3 minutes...totally not kidding. I'm planning on trying again in the next month or so but I have no idea how it will go. I can't see myself going through letting her cry in my arms because she just gets too upset. However, if she didn't, I would do it. So, I guess my advice is that if you think she would go for it with minimal fussing I would give it a shot. And good luck!

[millies mama]

Thanks for the replies, especially carmen - its so nice to know that someone else is in the same boat! Maybe I didn't explain clearly enough in my rambling post, but DD doesn't normally wake up for more than a few minutes...in fact she's barely awake, unless she can't find the boob, , and then like your DD, she'll blow a fuse. It's not so much the length of time, its more the number of times and the fact that she doesn';t seem to be able to settle herself at all. 

I have tried night-weaning before, but she got so worked up, it was awful and I gave in! We nickname her the boobie-monster, as she just loves it! If I try again and she won't settle, how long do I let her cry for before accepting that maybe she's just not ready yet? I wouldn't let her CIO obviously but if it got to say, an hour and she still wouldn't settle, do I just try again in a week or so, or is that going to confuse even more?

I suppose once I just accept that at the moment this is what she needs, then I can forget what everyone else thinks and just go with the flow! But sometimes when I hear about my friend who's baby is 4 months and sleeping through, it just makes me question myself! Thanks again for the replies, good luck to you too carmen!

[carmen358]

I would definitely forget about what everyone else says. I'm lucky that no one says anything to me but I know they think it...I can tell my the look on their face when they find out how often DD wakes up every night lol

I think you really have to stick to your own intuition on this one....I often, in the middle of the night after waking for what feels like the millionth time, think...I can't take this anymore!! But then I do, and I get through it and we all survive. Fwiw, we are actually figuring out some food allergies and it seems to be affecting DD's sleep a lot. I'm not saying that is happening with your little one..just what we're dealing with.

[rzberrymom]

With both my kiddos, 14 months was the ABSOLUTE worst of it in terms of nighttime stuff--they both had terrible terrible separation anxiety, the worst of the teeth were coming in at that time, etc. These are dark days mama, but it will get better! (Yeesh, I'm getting shivers just thinking about how badly my kids slept at that age!)

I waited to nightwean both of my kids until their molars came in, since they slept so much more peacefully once they were over that horrible pain. I did it at 17 months with both of them, and it was pretty easy.

One thing that did help with my older DD at that age was to stop nursing all the way to sleep at bedtime. I nursed her but kept her awake and then would lie down with her and rub her back, sing, rock, let her roll around or whatever else worked. That one little thing helped her sleep much longer stretches, which surprised me. I'd never do that with a young baby since they really need to suck to sleep, but I felt like my 14 month old could handle it.

Hang in there mama!

[millies mama]

Thanks very much mamas! I don't think she's got food allergies, but it's worth considering...I have noticed that if she eats sausage she gets really windy so we avoid them now! I think I will do as you say carmen and just stick with waht feels right. If I can just think positive and believe that this is the worst its going to get, I think I can get through it, especially if I look ahead a few months and imagine (daydream!) about how much easier weaning will be then! I'm going to give rzberry's advice a shot and see how we get on! thanks again - you mamas are all great! I'm not alone, hurrah!