Fantasizing about leaving.

[christifav]

I have the most wonderful husband and children that anyone could ask for. They are not the problem. I am my own problem. I resent them. I resent this life that I have chosen for myself and now cannot get out of. I have no family support other than dh, so there is no one I can vent to. I am afraid that my crazy is making him want to leave and we are now in a secret race to see who leaves first and which unfortunate one of us is left with the kids.

I have a 6yr old dd and 4 yr old ds. Either one on their own are wonderful. But the two of them together are too much for me to handle. They are very demanding and high energy. DS bounces off the walls non stop until like a switch he turns off and falls asleep at night. DD is gaining independence and is now pushing my limits. All normal stuff for kids their age. They are sweet as can be and love me more than I deserve.

I get home from work at 5:30 and it is dinner and kids, kids, kids until bedtime. At 8pm it is husband husband husband until 10pm then we go to bed and do it all again. Meanwhile I am fantasizing about how if we didn't have children, maybe I could take 45 minutes to myself to work out? Maybe I'd have some money left at the end of the month to buy some face cream? Maybe dh and I could take a vacation because we would have money and not have to worry about what we do with the kids while we're gone. (There are no grandparents to keep the kids for any length of time. Apparently this detachment from children is hereditary?) 

I can't vent to my friends or my sister b/c neither of them have children and I don't want to ruin any chance that they might one day decide to have kids. Partly I'm jealous that they havne't made the same mistake I have and partly I don't want to admit to them that they have it better, being childless, than I do.

I am a terrible person, I know, but I just want out.

Thanks for reading.

[Wild Lupine]

You sound burned out and exhausted. It's a tough schedule you have, either work or kids, and there's probably laundry and housework thrown in there, too. You need a break. Everyone needs a break, no matter how wonderful their family is. It is OK to want time to yourself, for solitude and to pursue interests, and do what you need to get it. 

Is there any money for a baby sitter? Even a few hours once a week can make a big difference. If not, can you and your husband each give the other a night off? Each of you can have your own evening for 'me' time and you go out and do what you want (even if it's sit in a cafe and zone out) while the other holds down the fort.

Sorry, that's all I can think of.

Hopefully someone else here will have some good suggestions.

[christifav]

Thank you for your reply. A break would be wonderful. I like your idea of taking turns with the kids.  We'll try that this weekend.

I also realize that I am terribly affected by the weather and ever since winter ended it has been pouring. I don't think we've had any nice days since November. Today the rain broke long enough for me to go for a run in the sun and I feel much better.  

Also today I wrote down a notional schedule that allows me to get 8 hours of sleep and workout every day. If I save housework and shopping for weekends, I will still have 3 hours in my day to hang out with my kids--and will probably enjoy them more than I have lately.

I hate when I have days like yesterday--but thankful that I can come to MDC to vent and get some other folk's perspectives.