I have the most wonderful husband and children that anyone could ask for. They are not the problem. I am my own problem. I resent them. I resent this life that I have chosen for myself and now cannot get out of. I have no family support other than dh, so there is no one I can vent to. I am afraid that my crazy is making him want to leave and we are now in a secret race to see who leaves first and which unfortunate one of us is left with the kids.
I have a 6yr old dd and 4 yr old ds. Either one on their own are wonderful. But the two of them together are too much for me to handle. They are very demanding and high energy. DS bounces off the walls non stop until like a switch he turns off and falls asleep at night. DD is gaining independence and is now pushing my limits. All normal stuff for kids their age. They are sweet as can be and love me more than I deserve.
I get home from work at 5:30 and it is dinner and kids, kids, kids until bedtime. At 8pm it is husband husband husband until 10pm then we go to bed and do it all again. Meanwhile I am fantasizing about how if we didn't have children, maybe I could take 45 minutes to myself to work out? Maybe I'd have some money left at the end of the month to buy some face cream? Maybe dh and I could take a vacation because we would have money and not have to worry about what we do with the kids while we're gone. (There are no grandparents to keep the kids for any length of time. Apparently this detachment from children is hereditary?)
I can't vent to my friends or my sister b/c neither of them have children and I don't want to ruin any chance that they might one day decide to have kids. Partly I'm jealous that they havne't made the same mistake I have and partly I don't want to admit to them that they have it better, being childless, than I do.
I am a terrible person, I know, but I just want out.
Thanks for reading.