INTRO - new here

[Guest2]

Hi, I am suddenly finding myself in this boat of single parenting.  STBX moved out suddenly and i am left with the kids.  I just wanted to introduce myself (though anon as i have stalker issues) and start talking here a bit.

[Chantelle691]

Welcome. I hope things go smoothly for you and you find support here. :)

[Guest2]

Thank you.  I wanted to ask a few questions.

How long till you all got into a routine, stbx didn't do a ton but he was an extra pair of hands.

What has been most helpful for your kids in the transition? 

If you were able to be amicable what has worked with that?

Do any of you try and keep some routine - like dinner with both parents once a week or bedtime routine with dad in the house?  

We don't have issues of abuse or imbalanced power so that is a plus.  And i think, even though he can be a giant selfish UAV he does have their best interests in mind.

Thanks

[Guest2]

anyone? 

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Guest2 

Thank you.  I wanted to ask a few questions.

How long till you all got into a routine, stbx didn't do a ton but he was an extra pair of hands.

     My ds was only less than 2 months old when I left my ex so we were still completely out of routine. When we moved out, we just made a new routine.

What has been most helpful for your kids in the transition? 

     Like I said, my ds was less than 2 months old when we left and ex was never actually around him and never parented him so there was nothing for ds to transition from or to.

If you were able to be amicable what has worked with that?

     Not much. LOL! I'm civil to him but that's about it. I would recommend that you start documenting EVERYTHING. Every time he sees the kids, every time he doesn't. Every time you communicate with him. Everything.

Do any of you try and keep some routine - like dinner with both parents once a week or bedtime routine with dad in the house?  

     Not a chance. But we never had any routine like that before I left him so there wasn't any routines to continue. I would think long term with this issue. Are you willing to continue these "family dinners" or bedtime routines when one (or both) of you start dating?

Good luck! Keep posting with any questions

[rubelin]

by the end of our marriage, we were living pretty separate lives. He would get up in the morning with the boys for breakfast because he wouldn't get home from work until they were asleep at night and I'd stay up late working. He spent time with them on the weekends while I worked so Sundays were already mostly a Daddy day so it all made it pretty easy to keep the routine as similar as possible. My ex actually moved into the house next door to make it easier for the kids and so that he could continue to see the at the same times he always had (breakfast in the mornings and on the weekends). At first, he'd just have the boys at his house for the day on Sunday and bring them back at bedtime and then we slowly added in overnights at his house, first on Sundays, when they were used to him putting them to bed occasionally already and then on Tues nights when I had school meetings and then on Thursdays (he ended up spending a lot more time with them than he had before, which was great for them).

We stopped doing ANYTHING together except for school functions and birthday parties. He & I ended our life together completely except for being parents and some financial stuff (like we still share the car insurance), oh and he retained "joint custody" of the washer/dryer for the last 3.5 years, stopping recently when he got a gf - it must've seemed weird to her that he was still doing laundry at his ex's house, it was definitely weird for me when he'd start making small talk when he came by, I'm very relieved that has stopped (and yeah, I could have told him to stop coming over but I haven't wanted to be bitchy about small things)

For amicability, be a mature adult, be businesslike, walk away when you need to, keep most communication in email where disputes can be documented. If you speak in person about something, follow up with a confirmation email. My split has been exceedingly amicable, even though I have not felt friendly to him through most of it, because I kept the children as my priority and sucked up a lot. Just because the marriage is over, all the problems that ended it will not go away and now you're not trying to make nice for the sake of the marriage so you make nice for the sake of the kids.

[Guest2]

Thank you both.  I have been making nice for the kids for awhile so it is habit.  What i would like is to keep things as close to normal as i can for now and slowly transition the kids to a more separate situation.  So, for now, on the 2 nights a week he has visitation till bedtime, he can either do the bedtime/bath routine at his apt and then bring them and tuck them in or he can do it here also.  Right now, i am okay with this for the kids.  He did get an apartment within 5 minutes drive to be close to the kids.  I am just overwhelmed and lost and i think i will feel a lot better when the divorce is final.

[rubelin]

If he is going to be doing any parenting at your house, I would make sure that you are far away when that happens. I do understand wanting to transition slowly for the kids, but I also know that drawing that out too long can be very confusing for them and really upsetting down the line when they start thinking that their family is still one unit. Allowing them to have close to the same amount of time with the parent leaving is great, but make sure that you aren't continuing to parent together, because that is not honest to them.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Guest2 

Thank you both.  I have been making nice for the kids for awhile so it is habit.  What i would like is to keep things as close to normal as i can for now and slowly transition the kids to a more separate situation.  So, for now, on the 2 nights a week he has visitation till bedtime, he can either do the bedtime/bath routine at his apt and then bring them and tuck them in or he can do it here also.  Right now, i am okay with this for the kids.  He did get an apartment within 5 minutes drive to be close to the kids.  I am just overwhelmed and lost and i think i will feel a lot better when the divorce is final.

I don't necessarily think this is a bad idea, but I think it needs a lot of thought and clear guidelines. I also think you need a plan in place to transition into separate lives. Yes, you will always be "together" in a sense for the kids, but most kids are pretty resilient and can deal with some quick changes. It's like the band-aid method- do you pull the band-aid off slowly or do you rip it off? Both hurt, of course, but one prolongs the pain. I'm absolutely not saying that you should do things together- you should! But I'm not sure if the day to day stuff should be done together. Because you're not together and you really don't want to give the kids any sort of false hope that you are/might be.

My parents have been divorced for 11 years. They have a teenage daughter and 4 adult kids. My mom also has 2 other kids with another man (an 8 year old and a 4 year old). My dad invites my mom and her kids over for special occasions, but it's not an every day thing. For Easter he had a big egg hunt for my mom's 2 kids at his house, for instance. But this is 11 years after their divorce and all of their kids are old enough to understand that they aren't getting back together (in fact, they just became "facebook friends" and I have to admit it kinda felt weird. DH asked me "what if they got back together?!" and I just could not come up with any response because it would just be way too weird). Anyway, all that to say that it IS possible to remain amicable and do things together, but there has to be clear boundaries as well.

[Guest2]

That is where i am having trouble is figuring out those boundaries.  He is not seeing them everyday, even though i have left that open to him.  the kids know he has his own place and this is our house now but they are having trouble with him not wanting to see them daily.  Like i said, his apt is  5min away but when dd asked if he could come and say goodnight he refused.  so, i sort feel like i want right now for this first few months to be easier and a more loose availability should he choose to see  them more.  so far, this has not been an issue since he is choosing to only see them on his designated times and even then, seems real keen to be done quickly.

this is so hard.  I dont know who this person is and all i want to do is lessen the impact on my sweet babies :(

[rubelin]

oh, honey, I am so sorry that he's already crapping out on parenting. I am so grateful that my kids dad really stepped up in parenting after he left, although he recently started dating and that has changed a lot with how much he's willing to be with the kids. Luckily, it took him 3.5 years to start, so at least they had a lot of Daddy time before the most recent changes. I can't really say how to deal with the sudden drop in his parenting - I'm struggling with it myself, though my kids are nearly 11 and 7, and it's been almost 4 years since he moved out.

[Guest2]

I think this is going to be a struggle with him.  Being the kids primary caregiver i know* how hard it is to do it all.  The reasons he left were basically to live alone, have no one to "answer to", and to be able to play all the computer games he wants.  I don't think he realizes how much more work parenting solo is.  I think he also is very conflicted so he doesn't want it to appear to be anything but roses to be alone and also doesn't want to have to give up his free time to transition the kids easily.  It is hard because i swear he is totally into dad mode one minute and then the next day wont answer the phone when the kids call him.  I hope he gets some counseling to help figure himself out so he can be a better parent.