sharing a 1 bedroom apt and dealing with your ex's comments of it being bad parenting

[Kori Knox]

I am a single mom with an 11 year old boy. I left my ex a year ago almost now. There was never an issue that I was in a 1 bdrm apt till i got a boyfriend. My boyfriend travels for his job and for the most part is only here on the weekends. I split every weekend with my ex so i might have my son on sat while my ex has him on friday and some sundays are split.

My son gets the bedroom and i sleep in the living room on a futon. It works well and i have talked to my son about this and he doesn't seem to mind or at least that is what he says. We want to move into a 2 bedroom but i am so nervous to add more to my limited budget. I am waiting for one to come available but it will be about 2 hundred dollars more a month.

My ex says that i am a bad parent for having my boyfriend stay with me on the weekends. I am doing what i can with what i have, but now he is pushing how his child support isn't to pay for my boyfriend to stay here and he has already taken away extra help that he was giving me because of it.

I am not doing anythin that would cause harm to my child. I am very protective of him and listen to his needs when he speaks them.

I do not know how to deal with this and my ex. Is what i am doing wrong and if i am limited on income how do i fix it... i won't move into crummy apt just to have a 2 bedroom. i want to feel safe and secure for me and for him.

[bananabee]

Have you tried applying for section 8 housing assistance? They use a sliding scale based on your income.

I don't see how your boyfriend being there has anything to do with your child support, esp if he's only there on the weekends. I could see how your ex could be against it for other reasons, but financial is ridiculous.

[AttunedMama]

Your ex is emotionally abusive. I'm glad he's an 'ex'.

And a one bedroom is legal, safe housing for two people. The fact that you have company is NONE of his business.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by AttunedMama 

And a one bedroom is legal, safe housing for two people. The fact that you have company is NONE of his business.

Yup. You're divorced. He does not get to comment on your living situation. Ignore him.

[singin'intherain]

That's why the court orders child support- guys like him, who want to control their ex's through money, are very common. You're taking care of your son and your personal life is none of his business.

[Kori Knox]

Thanks, and yes he is emotionally abusive that is why i left him. I just worry sometimes that he might have legal grounds of some kind though i can't find anything that says he would. also I would be more then willing to move into a 2 bedroom using my boyfriends income as well although i don't want to end up in a situation where he and i break up or what have you and then can't afford where i live.  I have to keep my well being of me and my son in mind.

Thanks for all your responses. I agree it isn't my ex's business but then i think it is his son so is it kind of his business...? i have no control over what he is doing with his personal life which i didn't agree on either but for the most part kept my mouth shut.

[sapphire_chan]

The only problem I could see coming up is that in some states they allow parents to put in that neither parent can have an overnight guest while the child is with them. He'd have to take you to court to try to put that in place and it would apply to him too.

[Kori Knox]

hahah yeah that wouldn't work beings he has had a girlfriend since the day i left him and moved out (june 2010) and i didn't even know about it till 2 weeks later. now she lives with him and has since january. I have been with my boyfriend since sept but my boyfriend wasn't an issue till January when she moved in with my ex.

I don't think I can apply for section 8. i think I am on the line of making to much with the child support. I know when i applied for help with food when i first moved out i didn't make enough to get that. ya i thought that was dumb too...  

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by Kori Knox 
I agree it isn't my ex's business but then i think it is his son so is it kind of his business...?

Nope. Not unless there's a safety/abuse/neglect issue. Another person visiting/spending the night? Nope. He just doesn't get power in this issue.

You could tell him what he wants to hear until it blows over and you work to reshift the dynamic between the two of you. Have you got healing from the abuse? Read the book "Why does he DO that?" ?    

[Kori Knox]

no i know why he does it... because he is an A_ _!!! married for 13 years and i needed an out from a bad situation with parents and knew what i was getting into though though he would be different and would change ahahahhahaah right.... anyways took me 3 years to figure out he wouldn't then another 10 to put it in place and raise his kids from his previous marriage before i could leave cause i didn't want them to deal with him on there own. in tha time I got stronger mentally to get my self to leave and actually stay gone... i left him 3 times before this last time he always got me to come back though... he didn't try this time... Thank goodness hahaha....

to bad i have to deal with him for the next 7 years or more. he is controlling to the point he tells me when i can and can't see the rest of his family and who can be with me when i do IE my boyfriend. as if his family doesn't have a say... i guess they don't. 

[Petronella]

Originally Posted by Kori Knox 

hahah yeah that wouldn't work beings he has had a girlfriend since the day i left him and moved out (june 2010) and i didn't even know about it till 2 weeks later. now she lives with him and has since january. I have been with my boyfriend since sept but my boyfriend wasn't an issue till January when she moved in with my ex.

I don't think I can apply for section 8. i think I am on the line of making to much with the child support. I know when i applied for help with food when i first moved out i didn't make enough to get that. ya i thought that was dumb too...  

If I'm reading this correctly, your ex started hassling you after his girlfriend moved in with him, not before?  Then it sounds as though the girlfriend has something to do with this and may actually be driving this.  Possibly it's the same story we've seen on these boards many a time:  new girlfriend/wifey starts pushing the guy to find fault with his ex, with the goal of getting more visitation time, which means less child support to pay.

I'm very glad you have found this forum as it is BEST place to get advice in these very common situations.  Please start documenting every conversation you have with your ex.  And the previous posters are correct:  unless there is something from the courts that addresses overnight guests - for both of you - then he has NO basis to harass you. 

[ZoeyZoo]

Both my XH and I have a 1 bedroom but we have a toddler who doesn't have the same privacy needs as a pre-teen. The only thing I know is that in my state the support issue may come into play if you boyfriend lived with you but it shouldn't affect an occasional sleep over.