Pregnant and newlywed, how to tell husband?

[penelope3213]

Hi,

This is my first post here, but hope your guys can help!  I married the love of my life a month and a half ago.  Prior to marriage, we talked about babies.  At one point we decided we might start ttc in about 8 months to 2 years, whenever he gets restationed (military).  Then sometime after that, we decided we should enjoy married life together for a year or 2 at least, since we're still young (24 and 29).  Well, recently whenever he talks about it, he now says 3 or 4 years.  I didn't want it to happen until he was sure so we could both be excited about it, so I never pushed for more specific times or why that changed.  I was just happy being with him and knew we'd both know when it was time. 

Now I'm pregnant.  I was on the pill, but was forgetful about taking it.  I moved a thousand miles away, changed my routine, everything, and just never seemed to remember that darn pill at the same time every day.  I shouldn't be surprised this happened and I am worried he'll be upset with me.  He trusted me when I said I was on the pill, assuming that meant properly.  I never imagined taking it at different times everyday and missing twice (but taking 2 pills the next day) would render BC ineffective.

I'm scared but so excited about the baby and I hope he'll be excited, too.  I want the moment I tell him to be special and a memory for us to share, so I thought of a way to make it great.  We are both redheads ("gingers") and always make fun of ourselves for it, talking about our future "ginger family" and "ginger babies," even getting an orage cat together.  I want to load the fridge with ginger spice, ginger root and pickled ginger and when he opens it and looks confused, I'll say "I got us a Little Ginger," then give him a What to Expect for Fathers book with the pregnancy test taped to it.  I think this would be so special, but what if he's not excited?  Maybe I should sit him down and talk to him about it, ensuring he's ok before acting all enthusiastic? 

How did you guys tell your men?  Was the baby planned?

My husband and I have such a great relationship, we've truly never even had a real fight in our 2 years together.  I know we're emotionally ready, he has a safe, well-paying career, and I just finished my masters degree.  It's just the time together to take care of only eachother that was stopping us. 

[akind1]

I say answer A) followed by answer B) - you might remind him, that even the pill taken "properly" does't have a 100% rate of preventing pregnancy (in the event he isn't over the moon immediately). also, it is ok if he's not super excited right away; I am sure it will take some time for him to process the information. I know, even for my husband after we had been trying a long time, the pregnancy wasn't "real" until the first ultrasound, when he could "see" the baby. He was excited before, but it became much more real to him once there was evidence, so to speak.

Take it slow and I really hope it will go well, whichever way to end up announcing the news.

[SierraBella]

Congratulations!

I think doing something cute, like your ginger idea, would be totally cute.. and then you can sit down and talk to him about it. With my X-dh, my first pregnancy, we weren't trying either (and he really didn't want to for a while, if ever, honestly), but he took the news well, and became excited about it.

With this pregnancy (not with x-DH), we were trying, so I ran into the bedroom with my positive pregnancy test right after finding out and showed him.

Good Luck! Keep us updated!

[Jaimee]

Congratulations!!  This is interesting to me b/c it never crossed my mind to take a test without alerting dh to the possibility first.  And all three times he was the one to look at the test first.  So, I voted for the deep conversation.  Though your ginger idea is super cute and creative, it could cause him to feel things you don't want him to feel right off the bat like frustrated if he doesn't get it right away (which might frustrate you too) or upset if he jumps to the conclusion that you've known for a while and not told him.  Since you are wary of his reaction to the news I would work at giving him the safest space to express his feeling, discuss your feelings, and come together.  But you know him best... would humor be a better way to break the news or sensitivity?

[hollywilson82]

I also vote for the discussion first. I love the ginger idea, but maybe you could save it? For the next baby? We are currently having a "surprise" baby too, but I let DH know I thought it was possible before the test, and we kind of felt it out before we knew. 

[Marissamom]

I would do the talk. my first was a surprise baby, we hadn't been together long, and I did take the test before talking to him because we were long-distance at the time and I realized I was late right after he started his shift at work. I ended up having to tell him over the phone, but waited until his shift was over. if you don't know what his reaction will be, it's better not to expect him to be super excited right off the bat. it's not an uncommon reaction for dad's to be nervous or scared when they find out they're going to be a father. and I wouldn't tell him you haven't been taking the pill at the same time every day, because if you do then if he's upset he'll direct the upset toward you. I would just go the route of "birth control fails sometimes"

[erigeron]

Ours was planned but a bit of a surprise because I'd thought I hadn't gotten pregnant that month. I didn't cook up any sort of big way to tell him--I wouldn't have been able to keep the secret that long, and I wouldn't have wanted to! I wanted him to know right away and so when the test was positive I just ran down stairs and told him. I think if you're in doubt about your hubby's reaction, better just to tell him, and sooner rather than later.

[StephandOwen]

Congrats!

This baby was planned, but we got pregnant on the first try so it was still a bit of a shock to us. I took the test early one morning while dh was sleeping. Later that morning I gave him a present I had gotten (a little baby onesie with "I heart Daddy") and the test. He was thrilled (and shocked and nervous...). It didn't really sink in for him until the first ultrasound though (at 7 weeks).

I would also remind your dh that it takes 2 to tango. Our entire relationship has had NEITHER of us taking complete control over birth control. I wanted to avoid pregnancy for years so I took the pill. He wanted to avoid pregnancy for years so he used condoms. The odds of both of them failing at the same time are quite low so we both felt like we were taking control over our fertility.