Dealing w a very physical toddler...

[cristeen]

Could really use some BTDT advice and some idea of age appropriate expectations.

DS is 19 mos and somewhat verbal. When he gets upset though, he seems to be limited to "no", "stop" and "go away". When upset he'll hit, pinch, bite, flail, throw himself to the floor, bang his head against the wall, floor or me. If i pick him up, he might start swinging or he'll grab handfuls if me (breasts or hair usually). He'll arch or spin until i put him down and even seemingly minor things are meltdown material.

When not upset, he's a very sweet and loving child, but still very physical. Wanting to run, jump, dance, swim, climb, etc., nonstop. He'll bite or pinch or hit when he's excited or over stimulated, and sometimes just because he feels like it (if he wants attention).

I've tried to be consistent in trying to teach him not to hit or bite or pinch, but its been over 6 mos we've been dealing w this and doesnt seem to have had any impact. I'm not sure what else to do, but its getting to the point that im hesitant to take him anywhere w kids his size. He seems to understand "gentle" with kids smaller than him (babies), but ones about his same size he seems to view as fair game. And part of it i imagine is that he looks like hes about 3. He's unusually large and extremely strong.

I'm just not sure what to do to curtail the "bad" behaviors while still honoring his very physical basic nature. I've tried redirect, ive tried physically separating myself. Ive tried telling him that it hurts. As a last resort Ive even tried biting him back and giving him his own hand to bite. None of it seems to have made the slightest difference.

Am i expecting too much from him? If not, what else can i try?

[janaavison]

I too, have a very physical toddler.  He doesn't show the aggressive play with others, but is definitely going, going, going all the time. My brother is a counselor and he said that, although it kind of goes against common sense, the best thing to do is find ways for him to slow down.  For example, common sense would say to find lots of activities to help him release energy.  That's important and we do that.  But my brother was saying, he'll find ways to release energy because that's who he is.  We need to help him find ways to focus his mind and slow down.

His number one recommendation is yoga.  I know that might seem like a strange thing to do with a child, but I'm currently on the lookout for toddler yoga programs (preferably not DVDs because we don't do TV).  That might be a way to help your child develop some calming of mind habits so when he gets in those overstimulating situations (which is probably what is happening) he has some tools to draw on.  

The other thing- and I totally hate when people say this to me- it might just be a phase and he'll grow out of it.  I always try to remind myself of that when I start to get frustrated.  I tell myself, "He is just a child.  Right now he only knows to follow his primal instincts.  He will mature.  He will mature."  Good luck!

[longbranchedmom]

Hi Cristeen, 

My kids are 4 and 17 months.

Have you ever seen the book "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp?  I found it to be incredibly helpful when dealing with tantrums and meltdowns.  It helped me to communicate better with my toddlers. We never had the severity of tantrums you speak of, I believe that it had a lot to do with what I learned from that book.

Basically it is about simplifying the way we talk to our kids.  We praise them simply but when we discipline them we tend to speak over their heads.  It helps you find the method of communication that is most effective with your "caveman" (he compares the emotion driven toddler to neanderthals). and give attention grabbing methods (clap and growl), and calming exercises (breathing-for both of you). 

It sounds like you are on the right track (although the biting back thing tends to reinforce a more violent reaction).  Persistence and consistency are key.  Good luck with your not so little guy!

Kat

[carymama]

Although I can't say I have a "very physical toddler" ALL The time, when he is upset, he punches, slaps, pinches etc. He started all this around 15mths and he is currently 20 mths. When he bit for the first time, I freaked my first instinct was to put him in "time out". I didn't really think it thru, and while he was in time out, I wondered if he was too young for it. After his 1 min in time out, he hugged me, had calmed down(at the end...but he cried for a good 45 seconds for me to come get him), and we moved on. So we decided for all physical harm, we will use time out as a tool to help him realize this was unacceptable behavior. Within the first 2-3 times of being in timeout he realized he was meant to sit in the corner until I came to get him (I wasn't sure he was old enough to understand this yet but he totally was) and then he would give me a hug and ask for up and now he says "No hit" and gives me a hug. Now, I can't say that this has totally stopped his hitting yet...so I can't speak for that. But this seems to be working for us, and works MUCH better than redirecting and just telling him to stop. It gets his attention and calms him enough to make him understand that we don't hit.

[courtneyk]

My son was an extremely active toddler as well--always moving. Diet (no sugar, no additives, no dyes, etc), plenty of exercise, a consistent nap routine and avoiding places that required him to be still really helped. He never did the hitting, pinching or biting but I have to say I was around kids who did and I was always surprised at the rather wimpy and ineffectual responses some of my fellow gentle discipline mother friends resorted to. Time Out works. Of course, active, out of control children don't stay in time out. If you have to learn some restraint holds to keep him there and yourself from getting hit--they're out there. Who knows, they may make him feel safe and swaddled. Relaxation techniques throughout the day might help too. We did massage. 

[MamaOnTheGo]

My little girl is also 19 months, and sounds just like yours!  She's also huge for her age and incredibly strong, and it's hard not to get mad yourself when they start the hitting and scratching and hair pulling--it really hurts!  Time outs seem to exacerbate the situation, and I've been feeling unbelievably frustrated for the last few months. Thank you so much for posting your question, and thank you to everyone else for the advice.  We read "The Happiest Baby on the Block" and it was a life saver, I"m definitely going to check out "Happiest Toddler".   Good luck to you and that bright, strong boy of yours!

[coryjean727]

I was having a very similar problem. Only my little girl is not so big. She is now 17mo. I tried all those things too. She would eagerly say sorry and give kisses but then immediately hit again. Def not old enough to understand.  Telling her that it hurts and showing her how it hurts when she bit her hand didn't work either.  I asked the same question you just did and the answer I got was give her something to do with her hands and if you need to, put her down. So this doesn't sound like anything very different but this is whats been helping for us. If she touches anyone inappropriate at any time, even the dog. She gets asked, how do we touch people?(sternly if necessary) And she says "nice" and touches softly. Of course I had to show her for awhile. So for us its been focusing on what she should be doing instead of hitting vs focusing on how hitting is bad.  If that specifically doesn't work for you I would still go back to that advice and find something else to turn that behavior into "something to do with his hands"

I dont think this advice is appropriate for older children but your son is about the same age. So I think it has a lot to do with not understanding.  Also it may be exactly what your doing with the smaller children but then focusing on "no" or "bad" ect. when he does it to bigger kids. (not that its not bad, but I dont think at this age it actually works)

The hitting has almost completely stopped. Only reminders now.

Wont help with the fall down tantrums either but that is a whole different beast. She cant be reasoned with when she is freaking out. I either know what will set her off and avoid it or let her have her tantrum as I watch calmly near her. Sometimes she needs to feel her feelings. I plan on trying to help her find a better way to express them but right now she is to little to do that since she has limited communication skills. So I tell her its okay to be mad sometimes. If I can help her I will of course. If she is going to get hurt or hurt someone else I step in.  Sometimes its as simple as shes tired or hungry and she easily gets overwhelmed with her emotions at those times.  So I plan errands early morning or right after nap when shes full.  Otherwise we are looking for trouble.  And explaining what we are going to do before we do it helps too. Like, we are going to church and your going to play with the boys and girls..while we are driving there. Or we are going to dinner and we are going to sit in our seat.  I have her say byby to her toy or whatever before pulling her away sometimes too.  It helps her prepare mentally  before I pull her away and can prevent or lessen the severity of a tantrum.

:) Good luck Hope it works out!

Edited by coryjean727 - 4/27/11 at 11:45am

[ChristineL]

I have a son who is almost four and he has always been very physical like you describe your son to be....He tends to get tunnel vision and is willing to basically beat the ever living daylights out of me to get what he wants if I am in his way of getting it. When he gets wound up to that point, he is not going to listen to me at all, so I have to remove him from the situation (by carrying him usually, which is quite embarrassing in public as I'm being punched/kicked/screamed at/spit on, etc. on the way to somewhere more private...). Once I get him out of the situation, I know that he is not going to listen to rational so what I have found to work is to ask him to stay put and calm down (time-out style, but not to punish, just to calm....rarely works), next I inform him that if he doesn't stay put and calm down I will remove x privilege (rarely works), then I count to three. Sometimes he will pipe down as I start to count, other times he will ramp up even more. If he ramps up more, I gently remind him that his choice not to stay put and stop screaming/hitting/etc was the reason his (tractor) was taken away...if he continues, more things get added to the list and taken away until he stops. After he settles down, I set a timer for one minute for each year he is old and when that time is up, I ask him to explain to me why he was on time out and to apologize then hugs and cuddles and into the sunset to do better (a la super nanny style).

I will prepare you though, when we first started this, I ended up with a closet full of removed privileges and found myself many times crying in the closet with them...it is very difficult to remain calm, but I know that if I escalate, it will only escalate him further. He is much better about staying put because he knows the consequences of his choices, but there are still times where he rages (as we call it) and it can be a very long process of calming down....I understand your difficulties you are facing and totally empathize...work on your reflexes to avoid face shots (!!) and good luck!

Sincerely,

Christine

p.s. I struggled at first with what to do with toys that were taken away and have found that an earning system works well for us (if he picks up his room, he gets his tractor back, helps with dishes, then he gets his trains back, etc.)

[Crystal Cline]

I have to say... I have a 21 month old and he also can get pretty physical..(not quite to that extent all the time) but especially since we also have a 4 month old and quite regularly have assassination attempts with toys being thrown / smacked with.  What has been working with me is trying to ignore the bad behaviour and pay special attention to the good things he does - giving the baby his soother when he's crying, helping mommy clean up toys - instead of throwing them, thanking him for bringing toys/etc.  I also try to pay attention to just him and not the baby at times.  Usually toddlers tend to freak out too when they are hungry, over-tired, or other problems.. so check to see if it's another need that might be overlooked?  They mimick what we do as well.. so try to be a good example when they do something bad / limiting the aggressive behaviours they see on a regular basis from other sources etc.?  Hope this helps ;)