Shamed, embarrassed, depressed, HUMILIATED

[Celticqueen]

I am a bit teary as I even write this. I had no idea this was going on, and I already felt so ashamed about myself.

It's been 2 years since the birth of my second boy. He was 9 pounds, 21 inches. I was proud to have such a big baby being small myself at 5'1 95 pounds pre-pregnancy. I was hoping the joy would just continue and continue, but it didn't.

We are now trying for number 3 and I have fallen into somewhat of a depression for the first time in my life. I feel shamed, embarassed and utterly saddened. My stomach after giving birth to him, was a huge hernia- I looked 6 months pregnant for months after the birth, along with skin so baggy and so wrinkly I looked like an 80 year old in my tummy area. 

Well, the big new news is that my vaginal floor muscles are completely deteriorated. I had wondered why the past 2 years, I haven't been able to keep in urine, now I know why. I was also wondering why doing kegals religiously (and I've been properly trained how), were also not doing anything. In fact, they wouldn't even budge when I tried. When I saw the specialist last week, she measured everything, tested everything, and determined that huge fat buldge in my "area" was in fact, bladder prolapse- there are no muscles holding it in place. They're in a constant state of jitteriness and weakness.

I guess I am just looking for mutual experience or just plain flat out support. I feel like the ugliest 25 year old girl out there, and since finding out about my floor muscles, I have even more reason to completely hate my body. DTD is often difficult because of my lack of confidence and now I am even less confident because of my muscles.

Suggestions, or even personal experiences are so welcome. I am hoping this will all pass, that I will be able to figure this out, and that I will gain my confidence back, because I just don't have it anymore, and it's saddening my husband, and most of all, me.

To top this all off, my best friend told me "I think this means you should only have c-sections now". Well, that's not the best thing to tell someone who is so passionate about natural birth and what it means to have a beautiful bonding experience. I can't just do that so lightly, KWIM?

But maybe I should just shove natural birth out the window now. If physical therapy won't cure this, I have no idea what's in store for me, my health and our dream of a big family.

Thanks in advance for anyone who responds...

[Celticqueen]

I also wanted to mention about the "humiliated" part, that what I mean by that is- shopping at the store the other day, with a cart full of groceries and the boys in the cart, I completely "lost it all" because I wasn't able to get to a bathroom quickly enough. This is all making me feel so CRUMMY (although I would like to insert some slightly stronger verbage in there)

[Lisa1970]

I am so sorry!!!

Also, I don't think that it has anything to do with natural birth. I mean, was it the pregnancy or the birth that caused this? Regardless, changing how you do birth in the future won't change damages from the past, see what I am saying?

((((hugs))))

[eclipse]

There's a thread in the healing birth trauma for those of us dealing with pelvic organ prolapse. Let me see if I can find it for you.

[eclipse]

Here you go
http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/713732/pelvic-organ-prolapse-support-thread/1360#post_16392369

There's a lot of great information and support on that thread. Here, I'll tell you that I have both a prolapsed bladder and rectum. Not fun. Sometimes it's better than others, but I've started to experience some of the urine leakage that you're talking about, and I know how bad it feels . I'm considering surgery right now, but it would have to wait until after I'm done with a course of medication I'm taking for something else (can't have "elective" surgery while I'm taking it because it can affect my ability to heal properly). Anyhow, surgery might be anoption for you in the future, but it would need to wait until you're done having children, because pregnancy and child birth would likely undo any repairs made.

[miriam]

I am sorry this happened to you.

You should know that this is NOT a reason for an Elective Caesarean Section or any kind of Surgical Birth.  You will be fine.  Ask if a pessary or a simpler repair can be made for the time being.  

[Celticqueen]

Thank you- about the c-section thoughts. Unfortunately (and different topic) now my friend is "even more determined" to never give birth vaginally based on my example. So much for influencing natural childbirth to friends, eh?

[eclipse]

I asked he gyno-urologist if I had the surgery now and got pregnant again, if an elective c-section would protect the repairs and he said that it is pregnancy itself that contributes to his issue, rather than vaginal child birth. Women who have given birth only by c-section still suffer from prolapse. I asked him about it when he told me I should wait until I'm sure I'm doing having children before I consider reconstructive surgery. He did say that he thought epidurals and delivery on your back could make a prolapse worse (due to unnatural positioning and women not being able to feel themselves pushing. I had three medicated births, and he recommended that if I did have any more children that I do what I could to have an unmedicated birth, but that regardless of method of birth, my prolapse was likely to get worse with another pregnancy.

[miriam]

I am sorry for both of you!  It is for this reason that I tell women birth with an unmedicated birth with a midwife is worth the extra $.  I am sure there are ways to improve your situation now.  Doctors do all kinds of surgical things for women and this could be one wonderous one.

Women who have given birth only by c-section still suffer from prolapse.

This is very true.  I have known of women who elected to have a caesarean to avoid the possibility of a prolapse.  I have also heard of ob's tell women that a surgical delivery will avoid a prolapse all together.  

It is the hormones of pregnancy and gravity that cause the organs to soften and go south.  Some of this can be hereditary.

[texmati]

Oh my gosh! I just want to tell you how much I sympathise. I'm 29, and have been having the same problem since the birth of my daughter. I know what you mean about humiliating. No one understands-- nobody. Even when you go to get help about this issue-- all the ads and brochures etc are aimed at old people.

I've had to change my pants at the mall, and I peed myself at my son's playground, right there by the swings. I can't do hardly anything without peeing myself-- standing up, picking up my son or daughter etc. lately I thought I was getting better, but yesterday I such a horrible experience that I can't even get into the details here- it's too embarrassing even for the internet.

I wanted to put a vote for physical therapy-- it's the only thing that gave me hope; and a little bit of relief. I can now hold my pee for certain things. 

Oh-- and btw, re child I had a c-section and then a vbac. my pt said that the section likely contributed to the muscle weekness-- this doesn't happen as a cause of vag birth alone. 

I will post more later.

[Momofplenty]

I got diagnosed after my 2nd baby. I have since had 2 other natural births and am pregnant again. I have prolapse of bladder and rectal muscles, along with my uterus "falling"... so I completely hear you. I don't find being intimate the same and after a few minutes, it actually hurts unless we are in the same.dang.position.the.whole.time. Because I am done having children after #5, I am opting for a partial hysterectomy. My midwife said that would pretty much take most of the prolapse away because the pressure will be off of everything. I have had the experience of peeing in a parking lot as well...started dry heaving from morning sickness and peed right through my jeans. :( Not fun.

My doctor told me about reconstructive surgery and how it needs to be redone every 7-10 years or so... It's just such a delicate area. :(
But yeah, I'd definitely seeks some love in the link posted by the other mom. It's way more common than we think...people just don't talk about it casually.

[Celticqueen]

WOW. I did NOT realize how common my issue was! Thank goodness I have support here. Now I just need to post a picture of my tummy though and hope someone says "Mine looks JUST like that!"

ugh.

About pregnancy and prolapse- Interesting. I did not know that! I had midwives with both my birth, yes, they are the way to go and I will never go to an OB, or a hospital for that matter!

Hopefully can sort all of this out, and gain some confidence. Although you ladies have already given me a little bit :) Thank you...

[Celticqueen]

Originally Posted by texmati 

Oh my gosh! I just want to tell you how much I sympathise. I'm 29, and have been having the same problem since the birth of my daughter. I know what you mean about humiliating. No one understands-- nobody. Even when you go to get help about this issue-- all the ads and brochures etc are aimed at old people.

I've had to change my pants at the mall, and I peed myself at my son's playground, right there by the swings. I can't do hardly anything without peeing myself-- standing up, picking up my son or daughter etc. lately I thought I was getting better, but yesterday I such a horrible experience that I can't even get into the details here- it's too embarrassing even for the internet.

I wanted to put a vote for physical therapy-- it's the only thing that gave me hope; and a little bit of relief. I can now hold my pee for certain things. 

Oh-- and btw, re child I had a c-section and then a vbac. my pt said that the section likely contributed to the muscle weekness-- this doesn't happen as a cause of vag birth alone. 

I will post more later.

Weird, I don't know how to select only a part of a quote (mdc has changed a lot!) Anyway, you are right that no one understands besides those of us who experience it every day. My husband, bless his heart and he hasn't known any better, has gotten after me the past year saying "Aren't you doing your kegals?" There are times when this doesn't even work anymore.

Anyone here go through physical therapy for this? I start mine in a couple weeks, not sure what I have in store...

[cappuccinosmom]

(((hugs)))

I've had a mild bladder prolapse since my third was born.  Been wearing pads daily since then, and he's about to turn 4.  No fun.  Also, mid cycle every month, everything in there seem to "fall down" and I have that awkward "it's going to fall out" feeling for a few days.  Yay, hormones.

Also, yeah, the stomach thing?  I try to ignore it.  It's never going back to where it was, not after 3 kids, two of them 10 lb or more.

I am so sad though, that you are ashamed about all this. In daily life, it's annoying to deal with and all that, but feeling shamed and ugly because of it is so, so sad.  Being incontinent is definitely embarassing, but nothing that should cause shame, as it's not your fault.  And the visible outer changes (like stomach) are a normal result of birth.  But our culture doesn't allow deviation from airbrushed standards of beauty, so we all hide it and feel like we're the only ones who don't have a perfectly hard and smooth belly. 

What helps me tremendously is that my husband loves me, and my body, and doesn't consider the changes traumatic or ugly.  He loves my body more than I do, and that has helped me change my attitude towards myself over the years.   Do you have people in your life that can remind you that you *are* beautiful and encourage you?

[texmati]

I've been to pt for this... I don't have prolapse, but I'm still incontinent. Basically what I was told was that it was just muscle weakness, abs, from the section, pelvic floor from the back to back  pregnancy, vaginal wall...etc. Pt definitely lifted my mood. i also go a pelvic floor exerciser which i started using, and I really belive helped.

If you can, I would def try pt. It's wonderful to be able to *do* something about this. And if not, if you feel that the pelvic floor exerciser would help you, you can buy those off of the internet. Mine is really easy to use, even though the idea of it still kind of squicks me out.

[scottishmommy]

Oh OP, Totally know how you feel. I was so utterly humiliated by my postbirth body. I once peed all over the bathroom floor because I couldn't lift the toilet cover on time. I even pooped myself once when I was desperate to get to the potty. Blah! I also have a pretty bad rectocele and mild cystocele. My body is a mess. I have a hernia in my tummy as well. My guts sort of pop out every time I sneeze or cough. That doesn't really bother me as much though, because at least everyone knows your tummy goes to pot after you have a baby.
I read a great book called "Ever Since I had my Baby" by Rodger Goldberg. He's a urogyn in the practice I go to. The book is fabulous and it makes you feel so much better about your problems, and gives you a lot of pointers about good treatment options.
I would definitely see a PT if I were you. They can do wonders. Also check out the blog www.katysays.com. She's a biomechanist and has some really great pointers for posture etc. Also, if you have time, check out this study
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/461719_7

It's a study questioning whether or not mild prolapse should be considered a normal and expected finding in postpartum women. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that most women are going through the same thing as you!

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by texmati 

Oh my gosh! I just want to tell you how much I sympathise. I'm 29, and have been having the same problem since the birth of my daughter. I know what you mean about humiliating. No one understands-- nobody. Even when you go to get help about this issue-- all the ads and brochures etc are aimed at old people.

I've had to change my pants at the mall, and I peed myself at my son's playground, right there by the swings. I can't do hardly anything without peeing myself-- standing up, picking up my son or daughter etc. lately I thought I was getting better, but yesterday I such a horrible experience that I can't even get into the details here- it's too embarrassing even for the internet.

I wanted to put a vote for physical therapy-- it's the only thing that gave me hope; and a little bit of relief. I can now hold my pee for certain things. 

Oh-- and btw, re child I had a c-section and then a vbac. my pt said that the section likely contributed to the muscle weekness-- this doesn't happen as a cause of vag birth alone. 

I will post more later.

Have you seen a urogyn? I ask because you could have something wrong with your bladder itself, like stones or something. If you couple a bladder disorder with weak pelvic floor muscles it can be very hard to control your urine flow. Just a thought. And (((hugs)))

[kltroy]

I have POP that developed after my second child was born as well. Actually, I just read a statistic the other day that 11% of all women will have pelvic floor problems that are bad enough that they ultimately seek surgical treatment. So yes, very common! No words of wisdom beyond what you've already gotten, but I wanted to let you know that you are not the only one.

[mt_gooseberry]

I just read a bunch of stuff on squatting to help with both preventing and healing prolapse due to pregnancy.  I'm sure I found some of the info here on MDC, so I'll see if I can find where I read about it and then repost.

As far as the emotions you are experiencing, I would like to commiserate.  I am about the same age as you, and feel like my days of physical enjoyment are over. I did not have prolapse, but I was ripped to shreds (literally) when I gave birth.  I am now trying to deal with how I look and feel down there more than a year later, and trying to get ready for another birth soon (which I am so scared of because of what happened last time).  How can my husband stand to have sex with me?  Plus, it still hurts to DTD.  I used to love the visual element of making love, now I only like lights-off and minimal touching (whichs makes for pretty boring sex).  If I had the money for cosmetic surgery to fix things, I would do it in a heartbeat.  Sex was such an important part of our relationship, and now...we still do it regularly, but I doubt either one of us is really fulfilled. 

[lifeguard]

I think this might be the article mentioned above.