My 6 yo is making everyone miserable!

[MamaScout]

I don't even know where to begin with this.  My 6 yo son (who is almost 7) has always been spiritied and difficult to communicate with.  But lately he has become so difficult to discipline, I feel like I am losing control of the situation.  Some examples:

He and his (3 yo) sister are playing independently and he just walks up to her an starts messing with her work.  He teases and says mean things to her, which upsets her greatly. When I step in and tell him that he cannot say mean words to her, he just laughs.  When I ask him why he is behaving this way, he just tries to hide a smile and says, "it's fun."  He hits her quite a lot.  As much as I try to let my children wok things out themselves, I am absolutely sick of him hurting her.  She deserves to live in a home where she is not being physically abused by her brother. 

Another example: I feel like I have to repeat myself over and over until he hears me.  I will get right next to him, place a gentle hand on his shoulder and engage his eyes and say something like, "I can see that you are really interested in your Legos right now.  We have to leave the house in ten minutes, so you need to finish up what you are building or set it on your desk for later."  He will just go on like nothing was ever said, and has a fit when I come back in ten minutes.  I have to ask again and again until I totally loose my cool and raise my voice.  Sometimes I feel like the only way he hears me is if I raise my voice and I hate it.  Cleanup time is a complete disaster and he just won't participate. 

Usually I try to use natural consequences, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to handle him anymore.  I've read Alfie Kohn and many books about "working with" instead of "doing to" types of discipline.  With a minimum of lecturing, I might say, "You may not hit your sister.  That hurts her.  You may use your words instead."  I've also tried using the Golden Rule.  I might say, "How would you feel if your sister came up to you and started hitting you?"  He will admit that it would make him mad and hurt. It doesn't matter, he does it again and again. He has absolutely no empathy for anyone. Including me.

I hate time out.  He just sits in his room and bangs on the door.  I've tried taking toys away.  He just finds something else to play with.  I've tried taking privileges away such as tv but he doesn't seem to care.  Nothing I am doing is getting through to him.  He even said to me today, "I still love you even when you are mean to me."  I don't want to be mean, I want to be in charge!!  Dang it, I'm the mom!

I am at my absolute wit's end with this child.  He is making me, my husband, and his sister miserable.  I feel myself distancing from him and I don't like that. This is making me absolutely heartsick. I find by the end of the day I have a hard time reading bedtime stories or singing songs or tucking him into bed because I am just so absolutely worn out and sad.

So how do I discipline a child like this when nothing I do seems to get through or matter to him?

[Marsupialmom]

(hugs) When we hit a rough period in our lives we read the book 1,2,3 Magic.  We handled the time outs exactly as discribed.  Once we "reclaimed" the house and my mental state were were able to use other methods.  

He says he still loves you because he can see it gets a charge out of you. 

You might also find ways to reconnect with him with out your little one.  If he is in school he could need parent charge up time to fill his love tanks.  Many boys need more touch time and like it in rough housing and tickle.  "Move" together doing sports or other activities.  

On thing that helped me (us) was every night I put my son to bed.  I told myself I would find at least one good thing he did and praise him for it before he went to sleep.  This help me find the flowers in the weeds.  He got positive attention so he started acting and doing things to get good attention instead of bad. 

Also, watch out and make sure he is not playing a roll you have accidently made for him as being the "mean/bad" boy.  Kids can play into this big time.  

Some kids do better hearing: "Its time to go.Here is your shoes, lets go." For him warning meant he have time to argue the point, drag it along, and ignore me.  When my son was younger we use to tell toys good bye and leave.  My dds did better with warning.  One did best hearing "We will leave in 10 min. You will need to get your shoes on in 5. So start picking up your toys."   Then give the 5 minutes "You have to pick up your toys now and we are leaving in 5."  If she didn't do it "Oh, well" a few things got distoyed.  However if I went right to "It is time to go" we had melt down with her.  Know in their teen years they have changed.  I can tell my son we are leaving in 10 minutes and he will get ready.  Giving much warning with my 13 year old means she will try to argue about it. :-/

[chaimom]

I'm sorry that you want to parent in one way and your son isn't responding to it.  Sounds miserable.  But you are in charge. You've got to find a discipline strategy that workds for your son, not just you.

I used 123 Magic when my twins were younger and their little sister were younger I think it must have worked because they're pretty well-behaved, kind kids.   One thing it mentions is that parents talk too much when disciplining kids-- in other words, you might say.  Stop doing that please five times and then you yell and he finally listens. The book points out that you've showed him that he doesn't have to listen until the 5th time. 

A lot of the behaviors you describe are things I would have zero tolerance for.  Hitting or purposely trying to upset his sister? Not OK.  To his room.  He wants to bang around and yell?  Fine. That's a choice he can make and you can ignore it.  But he can't come out until he can act in a respectful way and apologize to his sister. The level of consequence is really in his court. Your daughter deserves to be safe from her brother. 

Regarding the lego situation, I would give more time countdown in that situation.  10 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes and clean up now and tell him if he doesn't cleanup, you will do it and he will lose the legos for a certain amount of time. 

Good luck. 

[mom2grrls]

He and his (3 yo) sister are playing independently and he just walks up to her an starts messing with her work. >>>>>>

This may sound crazy but perhaps he wants to play with her but isn't sure how to go about it.  The next time this happens ask him if that's what he wants instead of asking him why he's doing it.  Siblings Without Rivalry is a great book for handling problems even when it feels like the trouble is coming from one child.

Sometimes I feel like the only way he hears me is if I raise my voice and I hate it.  Cleanup time is a complete disaster and he just won't participate. >>>>>

He's listening, he probably just knows that you don't mean business until you yell.  After you talk to him move him toward what you want him to do, even help him clean up.  Independent cleaning(where you tell child to clean and they do) sometimes can take longer than we think.  My 6(almost 7) y/o still needs direction and help or he feels overwhelmed and distracted.  You can try making the cleanup a game-racing a timer or "dunking" toys into a container, that may help also.