I don't even know how to put into words what I'm feeling... I've been on maternity leave, but gave notice, and my 'last day' is tomorrow. I've been caring for the kids during the day for about 3 weeks now.
It's been a big flop. On one hand, I feel a huge loss and uncertainty over not having my job. I feel 'unemployed', insecure and ungrounded. I'm afraid my husband will wake up one day, and ask me what I do all day, or tell me that the house, kids, cooking etc is not up to his standards. Or that he will feel that I am not pulling my share.
On the other hand.... I feel so overwhelmed by my new job. I do not have the skill set for this. I don't knwo what I'm doing, everything feels not good enough. I can't spend enough time with my kids, and now that there are two of them, there are times in the day when I *know* I'm failing to meet one of their needs. I'm frustrated, scared and lonely.
Financially, I know our household income has just been cut in half. Everyone has to make sacrifices (even our three month old!). No preschool, sitters or mothers day out until I get back to work. No new clothes for my dd, since I h have all her brothers clothes. I feel so much pressure-- I feel like I have to improve their lives by x dollar amount (the oppurtunity cost of me sah.). I have to keep the home x amount cleaner, cook x amount better food. Because this is not sustainable for our family, I'm so worried about being able to go back into the workforce.
Everyone at my job keeps telling me-- you won't regret the time you spend with your kids.... but I regret it nearly every day. 7pm rolls around and I just want to not be around them.
On the other hand (I know... how many hands can I have?) We were not making it with me working.... too busy, not enough sleep, it was almost scary. I don't know how we could have added my dd into the mix without dropping something.