New SAHM, and struggling

[texmati]

I don't even know how to put into words what I'm feeling... I've been on maternity leave, but gave notice, and my 'last day' is tomorrow. I've been caring for the kids during the day for about 3 weeks now.

It's been a big flop. On one hand, I feel a huge loss and uncertainty over not having my job. I feel 'unemployed', insecure and ungrounded. I'm afraid my husband will wake up one day, and ask me what I do all day, or tell me that the house, kids, cooking etc is not up to his standards. Or that he will feel that I am not pulling my share.

On the other hand.... I feel so overwhelmed by my new job. I do not have  the skill set for this. I don't knwo what I'm doing, everything feels not good enough. I can't spend enough time with my kids, and now that there are two of them, there are times in the day when I *know* I'm failing to meet one of their needs. I'm frustrated, scared and lonely.

Financially, I know our household income has just been cut in half. Everyone has to make sacrifices (even our three month old!). No preschool, sitters or mothers day out until I get back to work. No new clothes for my dd, since I h have all her brothers clothes. I feel so much pressure-- I feel like I have to improve their lives by x dollar amount (the oppurtunity cost of me sah.). I have to keep the home x amount cleaner, cook x amount better food. Because this is not sustainable for our family, I'm so worried about being able to go back into the workforce.

Everyone at my job keeps telling me-- you won't regret the time you spend with your kids.... but I regret it nearly every day. 7pm rolls around and I just want to not be around them.

On the other hand (I know... how many hands can I have?) We were not making it with me working.... too busy, not enough sleep, it was almost scary. I don't know how we could have added my dd into the mix without dropping something.

[insidevoice]

It's a big transition.  You are juggling it with two VERY closely spaces little ones.  Your youngest is still very tiny and that adjustment alone is a lot to manage.  Stop expecting it to all fall into place easily and for you to feel like you are meeting everyone's needs. With my two little ones- a 14 month gap- it took me about 9 months to get into a more normal routine, and now that they are both toddlers it is actually easier than when they were toddler/infant.  They nap at the same time, I'm not constantly nursing one, dinner is ready by about 4pm every day and we have some semblance of a routine.  I even have evenings to myself after about 7pm at least 80% of the time.  Take a snapshot of now and it all looks pretty smooth and easy.  When they were the ages your kids are-  I actually DID run screaming from my house a couple times.  I told DH I was leaving and would be back when I was ready.  Not stellar parenting, but I had to save my sanity somehow. 

The financial component for us was big.  I earned more and it was a leap of faith for me to SAH. Ultimately though, it was the right decision for us as DH is better able to focus on his career and has quadrupled his income over the past year.  Really, if all the bills are paid and there is food to eat, I don't worry too much about finances.  Not having childcare expenses and being able to better plan meals etc has cut our overall expenses a great deal. 

We don't eat out, but then, eating out with a couple toddlers sounds like a recipe for insanity to me. 

You will have to decide for yourself if you want to be a SAHM.  If it is something you enjoy it can be amazing, but if you spend the whole time wishing you were elsewhere there's no real reason to have to be home.  If your salary is enough to cover a good nanny who can e with the kids and get dinner started etc- maybe that is a better fit for you.  I would suggest though that it really won't always be as hard as it is now. 

[texmati]

Oh gosh! thanks for the reply, insidevoice! I wish it was as easy as hiring a really good nanny... but with the turnover that we've had (although our last nanny was amazing), adn with the change in DS after me being at home, I feel certain that this is a good thing for him, at least. Also, we just weren't doing a good job of anything when I was working... and I didn't realize how invested my husband was in me staying at home until

I do think that I need to give it a shot at being a SAHM for a bit before throwign in the towel. there are many morning where I feel really good about it-- to the point of actual tears of joy at my good fortune to be blessed with the oppurtunity to stay at home with these angelic children, and my amazing WAH husband.

A lot of it, for me, is just not being able to live up to my expectations... like my daughter spent a lot of time in her swing today. :(. I never put my son in a swing when he was little. I thought thing would be so much better if I wasn't working... that I would have time for everything important. Maybe it's just a matter of improving and discipline and time?

[insidevoice]

It's more a matter of practice and patience- you will need to have your daughter on some semblance of a schedule/routine before you know which moment to use to mop the kitchen or start dinner.  There is no normal with a three month old, and that is totally ok. :) 

I have two toddlers who both are still taking two naps a day, in that respect, I have it easy!  During the morning nap I clean the house (or nap as I am currently pregnant- the nap is winning more often lately...) and during the afternoon I make sure dinner is all set.  After the nap we head out to play outside now that the weather is better then come in and dinner is ready to go.  Our biggest meal of the day is lunch- dinner is often leftovers or something very simple.  My kids don't do well with a big meal late in the day, so this works for us. 

If you don't want to use a swing, maybe babywearing is something to consider.  It was a lifesaver for us until my youngest was mobile.  We also used exersaucers and swings and all those very mainstream things because with that child- they worked- that was where he liked to be sometimes.  I am pretty go-with-the-flow about it all now.  If the kids are safe and fed at the end of the day, I count it as a success. 

[sleet76]

It is hard, but remember---you are in survival mode.  There aren't many of us who feel settled in and comfortable and on top of it all with kids the ages of yours.  This is a minute-by-minute time period, and minutes seems like hours.  And it gets better.  Hang in there!  You'll slowly find a new normal and figure it out as well as anyone does, but it will take time.  Remember that it always looks easier from the outside--all those happy, contented, never upset or overwhelmed women have lots of times each day that they are just holding onto their sanity.  You'll find your way.

[greengirl_]

Your post is exactly what I am going through, thank you for putting it into words.  I tell myself every day that it will get better, and in the meantime I'm able to spend more time with my kids.  I'm trying to find those happy moments in the middle of my hard days, which can be few and far between.  But those moments truly are priceless.

Hugs to you!

[Sorilla]

Yap, HUGS to you!!!

[llwr]

I'm betting if your DD were in daycare she'd spend plenty of time in the swing there.  If she likes the swing, it's not a big deal anyway, or you could wear her instead.  The transition to SAH is a big one, not to mention 2 very young lo's.  Do the best you can; it doesn't need to be perfect.
 

Originally Posted by texmati 

 like my daughter spent a lot of time in her swing today. :(. I never put my son in a swing when he was little.