Midwife talked about the ex-wife through MY appointment

[niamama]

So, I am hoping to get some perspective and possibly advice from fellow expecting ladies seeing midwives.  

I went to my first midwife appointment a month ago and during the intake it came out that my husband was previously married and had two kids  at home with the same midwife practice (there are a huge shortage of midwives here.  I tried to get in with another practice that the ex had no contact with, no luck).  Now we asked for the team of midwives who had the least clinical contact with the ex, but nevertheless, the midwife asked for the names of the midwives for the birth of the step kids, and even questioned whether my husband wanted to take the Bradley classes again and "go through that again".  They then went on to talk about the different prenatal classes he and his ex took together.  She made notes about the ex in MY chart.  The ex is already so much a part of my reality and I really wanted this to be sacred between just my husband and I....  The step kids are with us more than half of the time and I love them very much.  In fact I spend the most time with them out of any parent.  But they were 5 and 2 when I met them.  I was not part of their births and I don't feel comfortable with having the ex a part of this birth - even just by referring to her or talking about the births of the step kids during my appointments.  

I have my second appointment with the same midwife and I have been so upset about this... am I over reacting?  I was planning on talking to her about it... what are your thoughts about this? 

Thanks for your help :)

Andrea

[syn_ack89]

I would say something. Reading that makes me upset on your behalf. I don't know WHAT to say, but...something. Maybe along the lines of "let's start over".

[bethanyclaire]

That makes me upset for you, too. The MW should be more sensitive to the issues that go on within blended families. Maybe she doesn't realize you had no other choice for a practice and chose her because of that? Perhaps she thinks you and your husband choe her BECAUSE of the connection? Either way, she was insensitive and should have more carefully considered your potential feelings.

I would also say something. I don't know what, but I like the PP's suggestion of something along the lines of "let's start over." I would try to assume she didn't realize it would be upsetting to you but I think you really need to tell her. You shouldn't have to feel that way and making notes about his ex on YOUR chart is way out of line! I would just be open and tell her how it hurt your feelings and how upset the situation makes you. You are right, this pregnancy and birth should be sacred between you and your husband! Midwives are people, too, and I'm guessing she just didn't think about it. I'm sure if you bring it up she will understand and will probably feel very badly about it. If she doesn't then she probably isn't the one for you!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I think it's a really tough situation.  While I do feel like a MW is more for the mother - sure - I also think of them (especially during birth and after) as the midwife for the whole family - the dad included.  So, she was your DH's midwife.  I wonder if that's more of how it felt for her - that she was acting as DH's midwife from his first two births and NOT as his Xs midwife.  Does that make sense?   

[MidwifeErika]

Talk with her about it! Absolutely! Let her know how you feel!! The only way to clear up communication issues is to talk them out and communicate!

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by niamama 

Now we asked for the team of midwives who had the least clinical contact with the ex...

I'm confused here. Why? 

[mwherbs]

Talk to the midwife about it. i think your feelings are valid,and the mws will probably get it right away. I also think that covering some common ground with your partner is a way to start a conversation and also find out what he might think or know. If he were unwilling to take classes, then what is the plan? KWIM I have had dads with new partners act as if everything else was unnessary and even a midwife was pretty much exteranious, "ya I've done this before and the mw just sat in the corner knitting" so in those cases what does the pregnant gal want,does she need us to listen but halfway ignore his input or run interference, restate that what makes a birthing mom comfortable and feel safe is the priority. or work out some type of education situation for the mom, teach more during appointments... the flip side we have seen moms who have new partners,and I have asked her the same questions, almost always moms want to take the classes again so they can learn as a couple...but there are times that she thinks nope ,again we have to figure out how the partner might react, and if we need to be teaching more in appointments for him.

Take care

[niamama]

Thanks everyone.  I had my appointment today and we chatted about it.  It was very non-confrontational and came up very naturally.  She did admit it was a bit of a strange thing, as DH was the repeat client.  She thanked me for bringing it up and made a note asking only relevant info from the past be brought up so the other MW knew.  I feel MUCH better now that we talked and sorted it out.  I think we both left feeling better.  Thanks again for your advice and support!  Andrea

[MidwifeErika]

Originally Posted by niamama 

Thanks everyone.  I had my appointment today and we chatted about it.  It was very non-confrontational and came up very naturally.  She did admit it was a bit of a strange thing, as DH was the repeat client.  She thanked me for bringing it up and made a note asking only relevant info from the past be brought up so the other MW knew.  I feel MUCH better now that we talked and sorted it out.  I think we both left feeling better.  Thanks again for your advice and support!  Andrea

Good for you!! Sometimes bringing up these things can be difficult, but soooooooo much better in the long run!! I hope the rest of your relationship with your midwifery team is smooth sailing from here on out :)

[zinemama]

What possible "other revelvant information from the past" could there be that they'd need to bring up? How the first wife's pregnancy and birth went has zero to do with you. I'm glad you spoke up, but that statement would rub me the wrong way.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by zinemama 

What possible "other revelvant information from the past" could there be that they'd need to bring up? How the first wife's pregnancy and birth went has zero to do with you. I'm glad you spoke up, but that statement would rub me the wrong way.

 Agreed. I don't see what the ex had to do with anything.

I would have felt the same OP. I would have not wanted to hear anything about the ex and for them to be more sensitive to the whole thing. Glad you talked to her about the situation.  

[mwherbs]

I am glad you got it resolved.

[littlest birds]

Originally Posted by dex_millie 

 Agreed. I don't see what the ex had to do with anything.

I would have felt the same OP. I would have not wanted to hear anything about the ex and for them to be more sensitive to the whole thing. Glad you talked to her about the situation.  

I totally sympathize that the midwife shouldn't have wandered off into talking about his ex.  But I don't think that is too weird that something could possibly be relevant.  What if there was something about your dh's role in the birth worth revisiting?  His experience as the husband coach then may bear upon what he will be doing now.  I mean he has done this before and that does matter IYKWIM.  That doesn't mean it will be on the table all the time.  I think your midwife was inconsiderate at first but since than handled it well. 

[JesFaz]

There are very strict laws now that require medical history to be kept VERY confidential ,which means these midwives are breaking the law by talking about medical care a past client received. This is called HIPAA (The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/m2e411a1.htm  If I were the ex, I'd be PO that they were talking about MY births with you! I think these midwives are EXTREMELY unprofessional.  I feel that the comment about "relevant information" is a SNARKY thing to say.  I *HATE* women who are snarky!  It is sad that there are not many choices. I hope things work out for you. Just remember that YOU are in control of your birth and make sure to speak your mind. Personally, it shouldn't be a concern whether your midwife "likes" what you are saying. You are paying HER- and not to be your best friend either! Tell her, "Do not mention the ex wife.  I DON'T CARE what she did.  This is MY birth, not hers. This is MY first birth and I want to enjoy it." 

[mwherbs]

Nothing mentioned in the discussion ie about husband's experience and prenatal classes he took or who the providers were are HIPPA violations.
My MD would ask the same questions, have you been to classes before what did you think would you take them again? Who were your providers in the past? Of course my md is family practice and looks at couples/families not just individuals alone. If you hook up with a guy who has history that is part of your life... A for instance that could be important would be last birth dh was drunk or high and the midwives considered transferring to the hospital for their and mom's safety...