Would it bother you if your ILs started calling your child by *your* personal nickname? - Page 2

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp 

Dh's sister has announced a visit this weekend, AND that she is bringing a friend. (A friend I sort of know (met once and liked) but...still.) DH told them that our "rule" is that one person can stay here, but if two or more people visit, they need to stay at a hotel because our place is too small, DD is a light sleeper, etc. Of course, DH's sister said they "can't" stay at a hotel, and really pushed to stay here. It's going to be *so fun*. P.S. his sister is *extremely* mainstream and rolls her eyes at almost everything we do. And she calls my MIL to "report" news that happens here, and give her the daily scoop.

Why doesn't your DH put his foot down? If that's the rule, then that's the rule -- no discussion. You teach people how to treat you, and what you guys are teaching your SIL is that she can just steamroll you and you'll cave and give her what she wants. And when she leaves her hotel to visit your house and starts rolling her eyes at your parenting, say, "If you're unable to respect us in our home you'll need to leave." And mean it. 

[skreader]

I think that you may be over-reacting. Your m,-i-l hears you call your BB something and maybe thinks "this is what she is called at home".  If someone in the park heard you call your daughter that nick-name and then used it, would you be equally upset? If when your DD goes to school and might choose to use that nick-name, would it bother you?

If it would, the idea of ANYONE other than you using this nick-name for your DD, then I suggest you never use it in another person's hearing and when your DD is old enough, tell her that only you, her mother, can use this name.

In the meantime, don't use the name around your in-laws if you don't want them to use it and they will likely forget it.

But, from the subsequent postings, it seems like this is the tip of the iceberg in your relationship w/ your in-laws.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by limabean 

Why doesn't your DH put his foot down? If that's the rule, then that's the rule -- no discussion. You teach people how to treat you, and what you guys are teaching your SIL is that she can just steamroll you and you'll cave and give her what she wants. And when she leaves her hotel to visit your house and starts rolling her eyes at your parenting, say, "If you're unable to respect us in our home you'll need to leave." And mean it. 

Because, to be honest, I think my DH is easily steamrolled. He rarely puts his foot down with his family, and only then on the phone. He makes big claims to me, but never delivers. He was just giving ME a hard time today when I suggested that the month of June is already packed with family members back to back visiting, and I tried to remind him that I will be newly postpartum and that I'd like some consideration and protection of my babymoon/personal space during that time. He got defensive of his family, saying they did ask what days they can visit. And really, yes, to be truthful, they *are* trying to square dates on the calendar, but it's just the absolute assumption that they are coming, they are more than welcome into our home, etc, that bugs me a little. I am not trying to keep them away, but I do want to protect my right to and need for alone time, recovery time, etc, without having to be a hostess constantly. DHs father actually called to try to plan a visit for early June (this man basically dislikes all kids and has never even HELD my DD, and she's almost two!) and then actually stated that he FORGOT I was having a baby in June. Gah! I mean, at least FIL won't be in the way postpartum! He WILL come, however, in late June, AND fully expect my DH to leave and hang out with him for meals, etc, because he won't stay here around a 2 yo and a newborn.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by skreader 

I think that you may be over-reacting. Your m,-i-l hears you call your BB something and maybe thinks "this is what she is called at home".  If someone in the park heard you call your daughter that nick-name and then used it, would you be equally upset? If when your DD goes to school and might choose to use that nick-name, would it bother you?

If it would, the idea of ANYONE other than you using this nick-name for your DD, then I suggest you never use it in another person's hearing and when your DD is old enough, tell her that only you, her mother, can use this name.

In the meantime, don't use the name around your in-laws if you don't want them to use it and they will likely forget it.

But, from the subsequent postings, it seems like this is the tip of the iceberg in your relationship w/ your in-laws.

Yeah, I hear ya. But really, it's a little Polish word that basically means "my baby"...it's not something she'd take on as her own nickname. And MIL *definitely* hears me call her by her given name almost all of the time. I will make certain I don't use it around MIL anymore. DH also uses this name, and so does my mom at times (it's what she called me, so it doesn't bug me...and my mother is also very good at respecting the fact that *I* am the mama now, etc, so it doesn't rub me the way it does with MIL.)

I mean, yes. I do hear you that I could be overreacting a little. I think this is not a majorMAJOR issue, but just another straw on the camel's back, yk?

[skreader]

having a baby in June. Gah! I mean, at least FIL won't be in the way postpartum! He WILL come, however, in late June, AND fully expect my DH to leave and hang out with him for meals, etc, because he won't stay here around a 2 yo and a newborn.
 

Wow, it sounds like your plate is very full. Maybe in the discussions about visiting, you can talk about limiting the time they spend? Or, they can spend lots of time w/ the 2-year-old? My mom and late step-father came to visit when my younger child was born and they played w/ my 22 month-old and took her places and helped her to feel very special while I was busy w/ the new BB.

If your DH and FIL want to eat out - they can take the 2 y.o. and that can give you and the new BB some quiet alone time?

It's a very stressful time for you, so try not to sweat the small stuff and ask for as much help as you can.

Best wishes to you!

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by skreader 

Wow, it sounds like your plate is very full. Maybe in the discussions about visiting, you can talk about limiting the time they spend? Or, they can spend lots of time w/ the 2-year-old? My mom and late step-father came to visit when my younger child was born and they played w/ my 22 month-old and took her places and helped her to feel very special while I was busy w/ the new BB.

If your DH and FIL want to eat out - they can take the 2 y.o. and that can give you and the new BB some quiet alone time?

It's a very stressful time for you, so try not to sweat the small stuff and ask for as much help as you can.

Best wishes to you!

Thanks. I'm sure my mom will spend a lot of time with DD, and MIL, too, as long as I keep reminding her of my boundaries.

As for FIL...oh nooooo....FIL would *never* take DD with him and DH. I mean, NEVER. When he visits, DD will be left with me and the new baby, for sure. He will only want alone time with DH...NO kids.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp 

As for FIL...oh nooooo....FIL would *never* take DD with him and DH. I mean, NEVER. When he visits, DD will be left with me and the new baby, for sure. He will only want alone time with DH...NO kids.

But why would your DH go along with that? (I know you already answered that, sorry, I'm just having trouble taking it in I guess.) It sounds to me like your problem is with your DH, not his family. Your DH needs to realize that your post-partum needs are more important than bowing to the wishes of his overbearing family. I can't believe that isn't obvious to him already! I mean, if FIL just wants to visit with your DH and not your kids, why doesn't your DH insist that he visit at a time when you DON'T have a brand new baby in the house??