How do I get other people to leave dd alone when she's upset or needs to be told no?

[brennan]

This is driving me crazy.  When dd is upset, if someone other than dh or I try to help her she moves from this moderate not really tantrum to an all out melt down.  Also if someone tries to tell her no besides me and dh she has the same melt down.  When we leave her with others, she is JUST FINE, others can say no to her or help her, its just when dh and I are around and others try to "help".

For example today we were at a store and there was a wagon that she wanted to push around.  Well it was a small store and I told her that no she couldn't push the large wagon around but she could push the small doll stroller around.  She was a little upset about this and pouted a little bit.  I had the situation under control.  Well a sales lady sees that she's pouty and tries to get dd to play with the stroller.  Well a full on melt down ensued.  I just wanted dd to be left ALONE.  I know that other people mean well but it really doesn't work well with dd to have multiple people telling her no or trying to redirect her.  Or we were at church and we were having a potluck and I put my dish in the oven to keep it warm.  Dd came running over and I said "stop honey this is really hot!" and then the 15 other people in the kitchen proceeded to tell her "don't touch!" "no don't go near the oven".  I had it under control.  Full on melt down ensued. 

Help?  Is there something I can work on with dd to help her deal?  

Edited by brennan - 4/28/11 at 4:39pm

[Turquesa]

Well, I don’t think you can really do anything pre-emptively to stop people from intervening because from the sounds of it, it may be hard to predict when it’s going to happen.  This trigger-and-meltdown routine with your DD seems to happen within seconds. 

But I don’t see anything wrong with still saying something after the fact.  Somebody that you will see again will have a better idea of how she behaves and how best to work with her.  Somebody that you probably won’t see again will (hopefully!) get a gentle reminder that parents are the foremost experts of their own children, so it’s best not to intervene. 

To the saleslady: “Oh, I appreciate your help.  But you know, for some reason, she’s actually better behaved in these situations when she’s left on her own.” 

To the church ladies: “Oh, thanks, ladies.  We had it under control, though.  You know, she gets really upset when a bunch of people correct her at once.  That’s just how she is.”  Then I might even reassure DD publically, “It’s OK, honey.  These nice ladies just didn’t want you to get an owee.” 

 It can be annoying, though.  It confuses children and can be read (sometimes misread!) as a critique on someone's parenting. 

[D_McG]

I would instead talk to your DD and try to get her to find a way to deal better with it.

[brennan]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

I would instead talk to your DD and try to get her to find a way to deal better with it.

Do you have any suggestions?  Dd is not very verbal but has high comprehension.  I honestly don't know how to address this issue with a 2 year old.

[D_McG]

hmm she's younger than I thought. Same age as my DD actually. I am not sure then sorry!

[brennan]

Originally Posted by Turquesa 

Well, I don’t think you can really do anything pre-emptively to stop people from intervening because from the sounds of it, it may be hard to predict when it’s going to happen.  This trigger-and-meltdown routine with your DD seems to happen within seconds. 

But I don’t see anything wrong with still saying something after the fact.  Somebody that you will see again will have a better idea of how she behaves and how best to work with her.  Somebody that you probably won’t see again will (hopefully!) get a gentle reminder that parents are the foremost experts of their own children, so it’s best not to intervene. 

To the saleslady: “Oh, I appreciate your help.  But you know, for some reason, she’s actually better behaved in these situations when she’s left on her own.” 

To the church ladies: “Oh, thanks, ladies.  We had it under control, though.  You know, she gets really upset when a bunch of people correct her at once.  That’s just how she is.”  Then I might even reassure DD publically, “It’s OK, honey.  These nice ladies just didn’t want you to get an owee.” 

 It can be annoying, though.  It confuses children and can be read (sometimes misread!) as a critique on someone's parenting. 

You're right, the trigger to melt down is immediate, I do like the idea of saying something.  Honestly to the church ladies I just huff off, so maybe saying something would be a better idea.  I totally though understand why she would be upset, upon thinking about it further.  Its one thing to be told no (already something no one wants to be told) but if multiple people keep telling you no *I* would get irritated.

[Ldavis24]

same thing with DD...If i just give her a minute to think about what I am saying she usually will willingly go along with what I tell her she can or cannot do...

However if my MIL jumps into the mix with her exaggerated mannerisms etc.. DD gets more flustered/ upset...If DD is crying because she is hurt she wants ONLY mama and MIL does NOT get this, other people don't either. I have a few times forcefully told people to "Give us some space" When hugging DD when she is upset or hurt...Sometimes you just gotta be a little abrupt about it so you can get your point across quickly. Yeah people might think it is rude, and maybe it is but I am more interested in DD's behavior and her not being overwhelmed/swamped by people saying things/crowding around her...Maybe I'm a little over protective though...

BTW DD will be 2 in June so she is a not that great verbally either. 

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

My almost 2 year old son is the same way - I almost think that he is embarrassed by all the attention, as he is quite shy even when he isn't being redirected from something he wanted to do.  And yes, I normally do say something like, "Thank you, but we have this under control."  If people get offended by that, not my problem.  These are MY children to raise.

[brennan]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

same thing with DD...If i just give her a minute to think about what I am saying she usually will willingly go along with what I tell her she can or cannot do...

However if my MIL jumps into the mix with her exaggerated mannerisms etc.. DD gets more flustered/ upset...If DD is crying because she is hurt she wants ONLY mama and MIL does NOT get this, other people don't either. I have a few times forcefully told people to "Give us some space" When hugging DD when she is upset or hurt...Sometimes you just gotta be a little abrupt about it so you can get your point across quickly. Yeah people might think it is rude, and maybe it is but I am more interested in DD's behavior and her not being overwhelmed/swamped by people saying things/crowding around her...Maybe I'm a little over protective though...

BTW DD will be 2 in June so she is a not that great verbally either. 

Yeah this is us too!  Oh goodness.  After the aforementioned church ladies thing dd went to the door to go look for daddy.  Well all these ladies crowded around her trying to help her and making her more upset because they couldn't understand what she was saying (she talks in sentances but has really weird grammar and can be hard to understand).  I was trying to get to her but they were all too close to her for me to grab her, I finally said "LET ME HELP HER!"

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm the one thing I can think of is, avoid making it obvious that you're 'correcting' her. Usually if I'm out in public, I get right down to DS's level to talk to him quietly, and no one else can really hear us, so they don't even think to intervene. If she's already visibly upset though, I think it's just what people do -- try to step in & 'help' -- so you could just gently say something about her being shy & needing some distance/time to herself right now... It drives me batty when DS is screaming hysterically and some stranger tries to talk to him, so usually I'll just scoop him up & walk away as politely as possible...

[brennan]

Well I"m glad to hear I'm not alone in this.  I just assumed it was abnormal because people give me the stink eye and they keep doing it.  I guess she'll outgrow it?  Right? 

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by brennan 

Well I"m glad to hear I'm not alone in this.  I just assumed it was abnormal because people give me the stink eye and they keep doing it.  I guess she'll outgrow it?  Right? 

I'll let you know when DD does...

She is actually a very outgoing little girl for the most part but there are times when she has no interest at all in anyone "helping" her or getting between mama and her. 

It's ok to be a little tough when it comes to your kiddo. My only priority is helping DD when she is in a tough spot or needs help NOW.

[missnoodlesmom]

I would say something to people you will see again (nicely, of course).  We have a similar issue - when I'm disciplining (and I'm not beating them or anything - something like saying NO for something that they want but is clearly unreasonable like throwing a tennis ball in grandma's house that has a million glass figurines!) and they get upset or angry, I've had family members tell me I'm too hard on them!  That infuriates me to undermine my discipline by openly telling me in front of the kids that I'm "tough" on them.  And seriously, I'm not.  I know older people/grandparents want the kids to be happy all the time, but c'mon...we can't let them be little beasts!  Teachable moments can happen any time, even at the grandparents or in public.  Sigh.......I've said at a family gathering "Well, they can learn now with family or they can learn later with strangers - I'm thinking it's better to learn now that you can't do xyz than think you can and learn the hard way later".