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Clingy soon-to be mother in law

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

OK my fiancee's mom is way too clingy. First, she was living in NYC and we are living in Maryland. She has become dependant on (Xanax I think?) and fell down the stairs because she claimed she was disorientated and broke her foot.  needless to say I volunteered to host her at our home, and we didn't discuss her length of stay.  She stopped going to work as a principal for NYC and didn't apply for her retirement. She was financially dependant on us for a year until my fiancee took her to NYC and forced her to get her benefits; she wasn't going to do it on her own. When asked about it, she would say she was checking on it, but in reality she did not complete the process. He forced her to go to NYC for the week where they found out she had outstanding paperwork which she completed there. That was last Fall, she just started getting her benefits in December.   SFor a long time she didn't go outside and she didn't want to make any of her own phone calls. She had girlfriends in NYC but I haven't seen her pick up the phone to call any of them, let alone her family. She used to do ccrazy things like call me and fiancee on the way home from work and ask us to stop by the store. gfbbbddfg 

 

All the time she lived with us, she stayed home all day and our utility bills went up and I complained that she needed to help out. when she did not have money i suggested maybe she get some public assistance being that she is over 60 and disabled but she wouldn't leave the house. nor help us clean and did not cook alot. My fiancee kept saying it was good to have her around to be with the kids, but he didn't trust her enough to watch our daughter full time so she went to daycare. I am resentful that he always says I don't appreciate what she do for the kids but I do. I just don't like that my home is being invaded, and that he doesn't have the sense enough to want to talk to me about what I want. She had some spells of anxiety and she was seen at Johns Hoplkins where they said she had severe anxiety and gave her a card for a program. She never went, my fiancee does not encourage her to go and gives excuses like "well some people like to be alone" and "she's grown i can't make he do anything". Anyhow, now she doesn't seem to do anything on her own. She took my fiancee away for the weekend for his birthday and if he go to the store she wanna go. if he go to a restaurant she wanna go. I just this it's Oedipus Complex wierd or something! My job offered me a transfer cross country last year and it was something we both had talked about for a long time doing. It didn't go over well with him (for other reasons) but I accepted the promo and transfer and moved last month. Now my fiancee is coming to visit me and he says his mother wants to visit too?! I got very defensive because we didn't have enough alone time as it was in Maryland but she wants to tag along here too? When he accepts his transfer assignment, I'm afraid she will want to move to and into another home of ours (which I am not having) i just don't know what to do to get him to see that I am frustrated, that he is enabling her, and that it is creepy that a man in his 30's got his mama clinging to him?

 

PS she cannot go back to NYC, the house was her father's home and he sold it once she didn't come back the first year. He is not an only child, but is unable to cling to his brother because he travels alot.

post #2 of 7

Edited, cuz I reread....Sorry.

 

Have you read Toxic Parents? Toxic InLaws? It's your partner's turn in life to make some decisions about what his priorities are. He can't be all things to all people. I would put a firm, loving boundary about what does and does not work for you. Reading those books can help you figure out what that will be. Then, stick to it! If I ever became like that, I hope my children would not let it vampire their adult lives/marriages to death.

 

 

post #3 of 7
Sweetie those apron strings would be way to tight for me to deal with. Good luck.. sorry I don't have any advice.
post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 

Yes I agree. it's an argument that we have constantly is that he doesn't prioritize. It's really alot to deal with and he still insists that "at least she helped blah blah blah" I mean who cares she needs her own life!

post #5 of 7

I would honestly say that this is an unhealthy situation that you will deal with on a daily basis until this woman dies. You've moved...I would probably end the relationship unless you are willing to have this woman in your life full time.

 

 
post #6 of 7
Thread Starter 

I agree Sarah it is unhealthy. And no I am not trying to deal with her in this capacity. It was different when she lived by herself and she was able to take care of herself. Yesterday we talked about the situation and my bf said he that she apparently has been having these episodes since the early 90's. And that she saw some doctors in NYC where they just medicated her and nothing else. Well last year she went to Johns Hopkins and they referred her to a facility that heard was really good. I encouraged him to at least have her check it out. He doesn't like her clinging to him either, but is way too slow to take action. W ith us being apart I was hoping that he would deal with the problem himself and then transfer here next year. I guess I'm trying to see if he can resolve the situation before I throw in the towel for good, but I am NOT gonna wait forever.

post #7 of 7

This is who she is, and this is who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. 

 

If you choose to marry him anyway, knowing what you know, you're choosing -- and accepting -- this life. 

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