8 y.o. / 3rd Grader - Social Issues at School

[BelCanto]

Lately, my dd has been complaining a lot about friends at school, "nobody likes me, so and so didn't invite me to the b-day party, everyone hates me..." This has happened before, but it just seems like lately it is everyday. She seems to be very sensitive to what other kids say/think.

She does not have a "best friend" in class, but rather has many friends that she plays with. Her teacher always says that she is very well liked and gets along nicely with everyone in the class. She has taken a special role with one of the special needs children in the class this year, and has basically been her advocate and helper. The teacher has commented of her very kind and generous heart with this child.

She is in a Montessori class so there are 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders in the class.

I just feel so sad when she says these things. She seems to get so overwhelmed. I try to just listen and confirm her feelings - but I so bad want to fix it.

Is this normal for this age? She is very sensitive...should I worry? Any suggestions?

Thank you.

[swampangel]

I feel for you.  I really do.  We're going through the same thing here with my 8yo ds.  Is it the age?  I'm not sure how to help him. He's so surly at home with us.  He lets it out on his little brother which is really hard for us.  I want to empathize with him but I'm not sure how to help.  I'm not comfortable with letting him pass on the abuse, so to speak, at home but I also want to be here for him.

Ugh.  I had no idea the social stuff would be this trying.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Can I join the club?  My DD is suddenly having trouble as well and I'm not sure what to do.  Most of me feels like I should coach as much as I can but let her figure it out (that's sort of my style) but I'm not even sure what to suggest she do.  Her best friend just decided she wanted to be someone else's best friend and the girls don't seem able to be friends with more than one other at a time.  DD is very sad and I don't know what to suggest.  Its a tiny class in a tiny school (only 7 girls total) and the bulk of the girls are moving into "tween-hood" while my DD is definitely still a child.  So just playing with the other girls doesn't seem to be an option -- they are all standing in a corner giggling about the latest music icon, according to DD.  She doesn't get it at all.  I keep reminding her that there are only 26 school days left.  I'd love to hear what others are doing about this sort of thing, if anything.

[One_Girl]

I think it is very normal.  My dd is also experiencing the same things in her class.  I mostly just listen and empathize though without coming up with solutions.  I sometimes share what I look for in friends, my experiences at her age, and why I am not friends with certain people anymore even as an adult.  The friendships go up and down this year so one day a friend may be awful and the next they are fast friends again.  I really hope this changes soon.  It is hard to watch but she isn't experiencing anything that she can't cope with even if some days it does make her feel sad.

[squimp]

I agree it's common.  My daughter is 7 and she felt this way early in the year, at school.  She didn't have a best friend in class and it was hard at times.  The best thing I can do is try to make sure she spends time with true friends outside of school.  She has a weekly swim lesson/playdate with her good friend (not at her school), and this gives her an outlet where she is comfortable and feels good and happy.  It has worked wonders for her.  Social stuff is still tough, but she is so much more comfortable now.  

[meemee]

yeah this is the age.

7-8 is when their conscience develops.

so treat it as an emotional growth spurts. 

and just hold and be with your dd. that is what i have done. just to let her know in her pain she is not alone. 

with my dd who is v. sensitive, i have found the best thing is for me to just be there. sometimes she sits in my lap and has a good cry.

or if she is really upset it comes out as anger (for something else) and i stop everything and reach out for her instead of disciplining her. oh man she collapses in my arms and the floodgates open. and she feels much better after a good cry.

however i make sure she gets enough rest (on those bad days she is sent to bed at around 6/6:30) and she doesnt have to sleep. however if tiredness is really an issue she is asleep in half an hour while reading a book. by bad i meant anger and frustration. 

usually with dd it mostly is expressed through frustration and anger and then tears. 

i know how you want to leap and fix things. i do too. but our children really arent looking for anyone to fix things. they just want company with the pain. 

[BelCanto]

Thanks for the replies! I haven't been on in the last few days...

The social stuff seems to be better...at least for now. But I agree - it is best to listen and not necessarily try and fix things.

Funny, the other night when my dd was so upset... I was using some of the "tactics" from "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen" and she blurts out, (basically just restating her feelings to show that I am listening, without trying to put judgements or fix) "It is so annoying when you talk like that! If you are using some words or something from that book that is sitting on your dresser, it isn't working!" LOL! I wanted to burst out laughing. But I was kind of upset too...cause it didn't work! :) 

Thanks again to all of you for your responses... I have a feeling it is going to continue to get more challenging from here! 

Jen

[bougivalbaby]

My dd is having problems, so I came on here to search for ideas.  I bought the book "Little Girls Can Be Mean", which is a very true title!  Anyhow, I have read to her out of the book (she is 7), and it has helped a bit, because it as though we have a plan.  I am not just leaving her to deal with it, though.  I spoke with one mother who is completely oblivious to what her daughter is up to, and I said it was fine if her daughter didn't want to play with mine anymore, but whispering to other girls to not play with my daughter was not acceptable.  The mother agreed with me.  I am most upset, though about a girl who came to my dd's bday party a week before, and when my dd showed up at her party, she said she did not invite my dd to the party, which was untrue, but also it was hurtful and humiliating, and I certainly will speak with her mother as well- hopefully today.  Her daughter often says rude things, but the parental response is more or less, "well that's her opinion."  Will they be okay with the fact that no one will be friends with the girl, if she doesn't learn to tame her opinion?  Ok, vent over.