Help me (and LO) not hate Daycare!

[LaydieBugs]

How long does it take for this to get better?  We are attachment parenting so this is pretty tough ...

Our little man is 11+ months old, and started daycare for the first time last Monday (so he is finishing his second week, of going a few hours a few times a week). 

He already did his separation anxiety phase, about 7 months.

Up until 9 months, he was only ever with a family member (me, 90% of the time).  Then we had a babysitter start coming in the afternoons, which was an easy transition (probably in part because I was in the house a lot of the time, but doing my studying).

The first day of daycare was easy:  I brought him in, he jumped in with the other kids, and didn't notice me leave.

It's been downhill ever since.  I'm only taking him 3 days per week, for 3 hours.  He went twice last week and is on his third day this week. 

Each day he starts whimpering even earlier (today, it was at the front door of the facility ... and got worse as we went down to the baby room). 

And when I pick him up, he is crying, and extremely agitated ... not at all himself.  Little eye contact, just hangs on me and makes little whimpering noises.

Then when I get him home, he is SUPER clingy, for that night and the next day.

Today I tried to stay and help him transition a little, which works in other situations, but it really didn't help. 

Suggestions?  Reassurance? 

[Virginia884]

My advice is from a daycare admin point of view, not as a parent so do with it what you will.

Are his 3 days consecutive? It can be hard if their days are spaced out, as they get into the routine of daycare. Usually full time 1 year olds take about 2 weeks to get comfortable, so that might make it even longer for your LO.

As far as drop off goes, my biggest recommendation always is to say goodbye and go! Staying tends to make it worse.

Do you feel comfortable with your provider? If you know your LO is in good hands, then I would give it more time and try not to stress, as hard as that might be.

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[P.J.]

My 11 month old is starting daycare next week, so we're in the same boat! However, the woman he's going to (it's a small private daycare) and I both insisted on a very long "getting-used-to" phase (don't know the English word for that, we are in Germany). I have been going there with him for one hour one afternoon a week for a few months already (we didn't have to pay for that, it was optional). I sit in the corner and knit and he plays. Only a few times in the many weeks we went so far did he even notice me, or come over to me. For the last few times I went into the other room so he couldn't see me. For the first week (he's going 3 days/week) I will bring him in the morning and stay in the other room for an hour, then go with them to the playground (their usual morning routine) and also stay back a bit, then we go home (after a total of 2-3 hours). This will go on the first 2-3 days, then the next week I will probably leave him there for the whole morning, then the next week try whole days. The important factor is that he's always comfortable and barely notices the change and that it's very gradual.

I have to say, this was one of the reasons we picked this woman as our daycare provider. Of course, we like her for other reasons, but it was very crucial to me that DS not suffer during the transition. I am actually a bit worried that we'll see some of this clingyness at home, or that he'll realize I'm not there when he wants me sometime and freak out, or whatever. But our daycare provider insisted that she's done it this way with all her other kids and it's always gone well since it's so gradual. We'll see....

I realize this may not be realistic for all people and all daycare situations. And it may be too late for you to go back, or it could make it even harder for him because it would be confusing. But if I were you, I would at least be considering doing a more gradual transition. That does not mean just working up to full days, but also getting him used to the place and growing an attachment to the caregiver there in your presence.

If this is not possible for you, or you think it would make it worse not better, then maybe someone who's BTDT can give you better advice. I suppose at the end of the proverbial day, he will be fine and get used to it, and it won't cause him any long-term damage. I know a lot of daycares do not even have this "getting-used-to" phase and just have the kids dropped off all alone from Day 1, all day every day, and those kids do eventually settle in.

Good luck, I hope you and your LO can find an easier way.

Edited by P.J. - 4/30/11 at 8:22am

[MacKinnon]

Hang in there! The transition to child care can be really hard! IMO, very part-time care can be much harder to adjust to then more days/hours. We tried to put my son in child care for just one day a week when he was 9 months, and we ended up moving him out of the center and into private care with an adult, a SAHM friend of mine. He did not adjust after two months, and it was traumatic for all of us, we tried again at 17 months though, and we did fine...

What is the set up at the center? Ratio? How do they handle his fussiness? What time of day are you doing his three hours? What is markedly different than home? Like is he expected to nap in a crib, or isn't attended to when he cries? Can you go and stay for a while, nurse and cuddle before and right after drop off? How about a lovey or a transitional object? We use the Aiden and Anais lovey's. I sleep with them and DD does WAY better with one, she's 7 months now, and my MIL says she won't watch her without it. It's made a BIG difference for us!

You might want to try posting over in Working and Student Parents. There are a wealth of Mama's that have been there and done that and might have some excellent suggestions!

[LaydieBugs]

The ratio is about 2 or 3 to 1.  Sometimes even less. 

They aren't at all warm to my staying to phase him in.  When I tried it Friday, I was very much encouraged to go ahead and leave and let him cry.

They do try to soothe him when he cries, as far as I know.  Often when I come to pick him up, he is being held (crying).  But they don't always have enough hands for all the babies who are crying.  So I'm sure sometimes he has to sit.

I bring him in the afternoon after his long nap - this is the time of day he is usually brightest and most independent.

To make matters more uncomfortable, on Friday I checked the diaper they gave me back (another benefit to cloth diapers) and found that it was SOAKED.  His normal diaper change, only the front 1/3 is wet.  A "very wet" diaper change is 2/3 wet.  He's extremely sensitive to a wet diaper (he even fusses before he pees, and then he fusses a lot the second it's wet).  Not even his morning diapers are completely saturated.  So I now have an awful, awful picture in my head of his fussing for hours in a wet diaper, while they wrote it off to his being upset about my being gone. 

Unfortunately, this is the only daycare in the area that takes infants.  We have a babysitter he loves, but she costs 3x as much.  We're thinking about other options. 

The daycare owner was very chagrin about the diaper, but she isn't the one in the infant room.  The women who are in the infant room strike me as being a little bit detached.  The two younger girls seem burnt out, and the older woman seems both burnt out and of the "tough it out" school of thought.

I do think I need to insist on them letting me transition him in.  And if they treat me like I'm "one of those moms" for doing so, they clearly have a caregiving style that is at odds with our parenting style.
 

[LaydieBugs]

And no ... unfortunately, he has never gotten attached to a lovey.  He also has never taken a pacifier or a bottle. 

[P.J.]

Oh wow, that sounds, to be subtle, less than ideal.

Honestly, from what you describe, I would be searching very hard for other options.

Why is he in daycare to begin with ~do you have to go back to work, or are you desperate for a break, or something else? Is there any way you and/or your partner could rearrange things, at least for a little while until he's older, so that you only need childcare 1/2 the amount of time and could go back to your babysitter? Have you looked for another babysitter that may work for a little less (I know this is unlikely as there are simply "going rates", but it's an idea)? Do you know any other mamas (neighbors, friends, playgroup people) who might be willing/able to do childcare exchange? Any relatives around? Have you looked into an AP playgroup in or near your area, that is also a good resource. Also, you say that's the only daycare willing to take infants....how big an area are you talking about? What I mean is, do you live in a totally isolated rural area or are there other cities/towns you could look into for better quality daycare? I know it may be inconvenient and gas is expensive, but if I were you and there was no other option, I would consider driving him to daycare in another town if there was a better option there.

TBH what you described sounds like low-quality daycare that does not really resonate with attachment parenting. Maybe I'm spoiled since we were lucky and found a wonderful daycare situation for our baby. I know not everyone is so lucky and sometimes you have to just bite the bullet. But this is your baby we're talking about, and I would seriously suggest scouring your brain for ideas and solutions. I personally would not put my baby in the situation you have described.

Just my

[poorlittlefish]

That sounds rough. I did want to add something about the diapers.  I needed to explain to my daycare that cloth needs to be changed more often.  They didn't know that since they had only dealt with paper diapers before.  Maybe just explain that to them.

Have you considered nanny-care?  He might need more one on one care.

[neonalee]

You have already gotten better advice than I could give. Our first day care came highly recommended. Every day we picked up DS and he was exhausted and had obviously been crying all day. The first day in his new place was a complete turn around. it was nearly impossible to afford the extra money (our debt is getting higher) but I have never regretted it. Good luck searching out other options!

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[DaisyMae08]

What about an in home daycare?  I found one where my little guy will be starting when I go back to teaching in the fall.  There are only 6 kids and the woman came highly recommended by one of my best friends.  In home places tend to be less expensive than the big centers as well.  You might be able to find someone with a little bit "warmer" attitude.

[LaydieBugs]

To answer some other questions ... we live in a very rural area, and we don't know anyone here.  We're from the Oregon/Washington area but got moved to Iowa on short notice in October.  My son's dad works in the wind industry and follows the new construction.  He is home when we are awake about 2 hours per day, often 7 days a week -- this is not something we can change. 

His Dad and I aren't "together", and his fiancee recently moved in too (she came from the Philippines last month).  We're very hesitant to push childcare needs on to her.

I'm not working, but I did start school recently.  I have to do this one class to clear an incomplete from last year when LO was born and I had an abnormally long labor and long recovery. 

He's only going 3 afternoons a week, for 3 hours. 

Actually, the babysitter costs 3x what daycare does.

This daycare came highly recommended, but I think the baby room is a different situation than the rest.  He's also almost always the oldest.  His first day, when there was an older boy, he spent a lot of time following that kiddo around.  Since then, there hasn't been an almost-toddler when he is there. 

But yeah I don't like it much at all.  I think I'll first try insisting I help phase him in, and if that doesn't work I wouldn't be surprised if his dad decides we can afford the babysitter again.  He understandably doesn't want to pay a lot for childcare when there are 2 adults at home full-time, but his fiancee just isn't a great choice for the childcare for the sake of her well-being.  It's already difficult for her that I know Dad better than she does (we've been best friends for years) and we don't want her to feel like the nanny or the maid. 

It's all a little complicated :-)  Fortunately there is no shortage of love at home.  Given that there are now 3 adults at home who LOVE him, daycare is probably hell for him.

[ProtoLawyer]

It took my son about 2 weeks to settle in at his daycare, with Days 2-3 being the absolute worst. 

He's in full-time care, though, and he seems to thrive on chaos. (The daycare isn't chaotic, per se, but there are several babies so it's almost always noisy and active.)