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need to just share

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 

First I'd like to say this, I hope I don't sound like a spoiled brat typing this -- I know so many mommas on here are way worse off than we are, but I do need to vent and I hope that someone can offer some advice...


We moved to a really high cost of living area outside of Manhattan so that my DH could have an easy 10 minute commute to his office..if you've read any of my other posts you know that he does not commute at all, and instead we are paying over 4,000 a MONTH to live in a (lovely but way too expensive) home, when we could live where we used to for way less and have way more space...The rent is really, really hurting us and so is the rest of the "lifestyle" including more expensive gas, grocceries, and even activities for DD! 


When DH left his job we were living a way more simple lifestyle, and he's done well the past year so this whole having money thing is really sort of new for me...I WILL admit I've splurged on Whole Foods more than I care to admit, but we were able to save about 35k which felt like a lot..granted if we didn't live in such a HCOL area we would have much more (again, we moved because he HAD to live near the city...and he works from home..GRUMBLE) 


Anyway, DH decided to invest in a coffee shop and basically gave 25k to his friends...the coffee shop is thriving and DH may have found someone to buy him out, but in the meantime I'm pretty peeved he gave almost all of our savings on a whim. Than we found out we owe a bit over 10k for taxes, and there goes our savings...and after THAT DH found out he wouldn't be getting paid for two weeks, so our next egg is completely gone and our rent is coming up and we have about enough to pay it but there won't be any money for gas, food (our dog has to go to the vet) or anything else...


I freelance very, very little and I'm a student doula. The money I make goes towards classes and things I do with DD (because again most of our money goes towards rent + bills at this point..) and I am paid when my clients can (I am mostly a homemaker so this is something I do on the side..) anyway all of the sudden DH is getting on about how I need to tell my clients I need to get paid NOW and we really need the money etc...


And I'm feeling really resentful because he mad BAD decisions without really consulting me? I would never give someone 25k and I would have paid the taxes off a bit at a time -- better to pay a small fee and be able to afford staples and rent? And I think I'm resentful we are living in a digustingly expensive house when we could live somewhere else since he isn't traveling..And all this resentment is really not good in addition to the OTHER issues we have. 



We have barely enough to cover rent..actually technically if I don't get my paycheck (not really dependable) we won't have it. We can borrow money from DH's father OR ask if it would be okay if we paid two weeks late and accepted the fee (because DH will get paid in two weeks..) I don't know what's worse..



And again, I know I'm talking about extreme amounts of money and some mommas have none. I am disgusted as I'm typing this but this whole "having money" thing is new to us, and now well...we have none. I really am upset that our savings is GONE and since we are paying so much we aren't going to be able to bring it back to even a few thousand dollars...


Sorry, I'm ALL over the place. I'm very upset 



post #2 of 15

I'd get a job so that I would not be dependent on my husband's whims.

post #3 of 15

I couldn't read and not reply, although I imagine other mommas probably will have sounder advice. Just wanted to say that in my 12 year marriage, dh have gone through cycles of feast and famine.  And every time we cycle into feast (which is what it sounds like this situation is, where you suddenly have excess money) we blow it. Well, we've been through this enough that I'm hoping that we finally have learned how to better navigate it!


All that to say, congratulations on the increase in income.  It's going to take a while to get your sea legs, and you will undoubtedly make some decisions that you regret. I would be POd if dh invested that kind of money without consulting me....well actually, when we were first married he did.  He bought a $20,000 vehicle CASH. We're still driving it, 12 years later, so in hindsight it was maybe a good investment, but holy crap! What we had working in our favor is that we were still new in our relationship so there was a lot more "slack", if you will.  It sounds like you have other issues in your marriage, and his decision making is feeling like a last straw. It takes people a while to get used to having disposable income...you still need to have a budget. at least so that you are both on the same page about spending and expectations. 


As for your...is it rent? Or a mortgage? If you are renting, is relocating an option? Especially since the commute is not an issue after all?


Yes, the next two weeks will suck, but what an eye-opener. Go back to your frugal ways - you know how to live simply. Live out of your pantry, bundle your trips...it's only two weeks. If your relationship with your FIL can handle it, borrow the money (plus  a little extra for gas and groceries) to tide you over and pay him back immediately.  Or if you think your husband would learn the lesson better if you let him get slammed with the fine for paying late...That's your call.  But you do have options. I get you being ticked, esp. since now he's putting the hurt on YOU and trying to change the way you do business bcs he made some poor decisions.  How frustrating.


I'm not familiar with your story, so i'm sure there is a lot of history that I'm not aware of. But like I said, couldn't read without responding.  ((hugs)))

post #4 of 15
Originally Posted by choli View Post

I'd get a job so that I would not be dependent on my husband's whims.

How is this comment helpful? She's a student w a 3.5 yo and an under 1 yo. Not that getting a job is all that easy to begin with, but childcare expenses would eat her alive.

Have you sat down and actually discussed the finances w your DH? What sort of agreement/arrangement do you two have regarding money? If my DH spent $25K without intense discussion, at best he'd be sleeping on the couch for a while. I think you guys need to work up a budget and go over it item by item. And then you guys can discuss each item and its importance/options to reduce it, including your rent.
post #5 of 15

I don't think that the issue is the money, though that's how it's manifesting itself.  You two seem to have a breakdown of trust.  You (understandably!!) feel betrayed because he made a business decision involving your PERSONAL savings without consulting you.  He has an obligation to hear you out regarding his business money and business transactions, but in the end, he is the CEO of his business and will make the decision.  Family finances are something else entirely.  Even if he's the primary breadwinner, it's not HIS money.  It's family money.  I'm assuming you take care of the home, your children, shopping, etc.  That is your job, and it's no less of one than if you were getting dressed and going to an office every day.  He may not be thinking of it that way.  But you both need to talk about this, in a non-accusatory way, and come to an understanding.  A marriage is a partnership, and if he believes that all the money is his simply because he gets a paycheck... I think some counseling is in order.


Added to the problem is that you do not feel it is necessary to live where you do.  IMO this is secondary to the trust issues, but it's definitely adding fuel to the fire.  If you truly cannot afford to live there, you need to move.  Otherwise, I'd just let it go for a bit until the dust settles.  I'm sure it really bothers you, but now might not be the ideal time to discuss it.  Try to be as frugal as possible in other ways, and start rebuilding your savings.


I'm so sorry that you're going through this...  hug2.gif

post #6 of 15

Dh and I would never spend  over$200 a pop without talking it over .I would discuss this with dh,but he may feel he earned the money and it is his to spend-without your input.


 I would recommend opening an account in your name only and putting a bit into it weekly. I would want to cut corners with spending,BUT  not so we could stay in a 4k a month home. I would seriously want to move to a place where perhaps public transit was an option for dh,or invest in a gas friendly car.


When finances are an issue I think it is common for spouses to expect the other to work more. I am a sahm and go through that,but dh seems to forget that I would be the one who needs to be home when the kids are home,and we would have to pay for childcare.Dh only thinks that if I work we have more money,but we also have more expenses.Sometimes the expenses  make things worse.


If you can not *reach* dh consider counseling.Sometimes the input from someone else can help a person see things differently.

post #7 of 15

I definitely think your hubby was was out of line. That's a lot of money and a lot of savings to just spend without consultation. 


Are there any rental properties for less than $4K available? We live in a high COL area too, but generally, you don't have to spend that much to rent. The nice thing about renting is that it's easier to downgrade when the lease is up. 

post #8 of 15
Thread Starter 

Thanks for (some) of the helpful replies! 


We sat down and talked, and agreed that any HUGE decisions need to be made together ( I do think DH has the "oh it's my money" syndrome when it comes to big decisions) I also told him that I really want to try and move when our lease is up, because there's no sense in paying this rent when we could live somewhere for a lot less money, even when he's not commuting. I think the hardest part for me to get around is that our savings is gone, zippo. 


I have no problem budgeting and being frugal and this past few weeks has actually been challenging but it feels good to have the need to watch what I'm spending. Our car is really good on gas and I haven't been driving it much...


To the person who told me to get a job: I'm 26 and have spent a good chunk my 20's being pregnant and raising babies (by choice..)  I could go out and work full time, but are you going to pay for my childcare, or the cost of daycare? 

post #9 of 15

I'm sorry you are going through this. Everyone's dollar amounts are different but most of us struggle with the same issues regardless.


I don't have much to add other than some advice about the housing issue. Are you renting a house or apartment and is it in North Jersey or Westchester maybe? That is a HUGE rent ... even for NYC. You could get an apartment right IN Manhattan for less than that. I would definitely look into finding something else. If you are renting from a large company it might be possible to break your lease without penalty other than a fee which could be less than continuing to pay that kind of rent for however much longer you are supposed to be there. I hope that makes sense .. 




post #10 of 15

Mommarific - first of all, remember that this isn't just "frugality", but "finances", as well.  You don't have to be struggling financially to come here to discuss and don't need to apologize whether you are making ends meet or are thriving.  This is a place to discuss finances for the rich and poor and everyone in between.


However, I think your issue aligns more with Parenting as Partners than F&F because there seems to be disconnect in your relationship with your dh.  I don't think that you are talking about extreme amounts of money, but no matter the amount, couples should have a very open policy about how much can be spent without consulting the other partner.  PARTNER being the operative word.  For some couples, that amount might be $5 and for others, it could be $100,000.  The fact that he hadn't consulted you first needed to be addressed, and it's good that you sat down to talk with him.  Even though you are not earning the majority of your income doesn't mean that you shouldn't have any say in what happens in your finances.  You have just as much say as your husband.


I hope you keep the lines of communication open so that resentment can't build.  Money can be a powerful force in a marriage.  Try to get on the same page in terms of financial accountability and establish some family rules so that there are no misunderstandings.


Investing is a tricky thing, and often a gamble.  I hope as you go forward that your dh will keep you in loop.  Best of luck to you!

post #11 of 15
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

To the person who told me to get a job: I'm 26 and have spent a good chunk my 20's being pregnant and raising babies (by choice..)  I could go out and work full time, but are you going to pay for my childcare, or the cost of daycare? 

Couldn't you find a job during hours that your husband does not work? I know it would be impossible for him to work and watch the kids but couldn't you find a job in the evenings and weekends? Then there would be no childcare costs. Or perhaps watching another child in your home? You aren't helpless here....
post #12 of 15
Originally Posted by GirlBoyGirl View Post

Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

To the person who told me to get a job: I'm 26 and have spent a good chunk my 20's being pregnant and raising babies (by choice..)  I could go out and work full time, but are you going to pay for my childcare, or the cost of daycare? 


Couldn't you find a job during hours that your husband does not work? I know it would be impossible for him to work and watch the kids but couldn't you find a job in the evenings and weekends? Then there would be no childcare costs. Or perhaps watching another child in your home? You aren't helpless here....


I think part of her frustration is that her DH makes enough to support their family if she hadn't moved into the area she's in and if he hadn't spent the savings.  I don't think it's a matter of getting a job to make ends meet, especially if she's in school to gain a solid career, it seems that maybe moving stuff around to make things a little more comfortable would be more logical.  Maybe that's just the way I see it though.


To the OP, how long until your lease is up?  When an investor buys out your share of the coffee shop, will it be just the 25k or will you gain anything from the whole ordeal?  How interested is the person he has in mind to buy him out? 


post #13 of 15

First, you DO NOT "need to get a job", this money situation is not because of something you did. And as another mama said childcare would eat all your pay.

I am so impressed with saving $35,000. My dh would never spend that amount of money period, he is overly tight. Drives me crazy. I am glad you two talked about it.
But I think even in a high COL area $4000 is a lot! I would definatley plan on finding something else when your lease is up. I do have to say that I would have taken the $35k

and bought a house instead of renting, but if you were  able to save that up, you will be able to do it again!

We too go through "feast or famine" and my husband has a fabulous income, we have a high COL here too, and the minute we have money in the bank it is gone. I track expenses

and still can't seem to stop the money from leaving!

post #14 of 15

I don't think this is really a financial issue - it sounds a bit more like a power struggle.  It's not just that the money is gone and now you have no money for rent, it's that this happened because he made major choices without consulting you.  The fact that he considers this "his" money is problematic.


The downside of being a SAH parent is that you become financially dependent on your spouse.  He is exploiting that dependency and using it to exert power over you.  Not cool.


Time for a serious heart to heart.  I'd tell him things need to change or that you can't trust him.  And that if you can't trust him, you need to become financially independent, and so you will be getting a job and he has to pay for childcare so you can build a career.  


Not that I think you need to get a job - far from it - but if you are making sacrifices to SAH, he should be made aware of that.  


I'd make rules.  What we do - all of our money goes into a household account.  We both have our own checking accounts where we distribute our "allowances" that we get every month.  Anything from our personal accounts - we can spend on whatever we want, no questions.  The household / joint account - we need to have discussions when we want to spend over $100 that is not planned (exempt is stuff like hardware store, food, etc).  I don't think that the $100 is the point - the point is that "major" purchases or investments need to be mutual decisions.  

post #15 of 15

When DH and I first got married we were both working (now it's just me as he's in college again), we found that one or the other of us would have 'it is my money' moments (especially since we were used to not having the joint responsibility of bills together), and then our bills would go late,  or barely be paid as a result.  We did 2 things that have been a big help, both for our relationship and our finances:

1 - we came up with a monthly 'allowance' that we each get, this is cash that does not have to be reported, talked about, fessed up to ect. for whatever we each wanted

2 - we set a "we must discuss before spending X amount of $$, unless it was a budget line item (rent, groceries, car stuff ect)


Both of these things helped us each feel like we had some 'freedom' with our money, but also built trust that the other person would take the families best interest at heart before using large sums of cash.  

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