I lost so much, how can I keep it from happening again?

[Lisa1970]

There is just no way to protect from what I went through. I thought of hiring a doula, but when she sent over her contract, it said stuff like she cannot speak up for us, but rather advise us and such. I need someone to advocate for me! I have had horrible nasty birth experiences, one right after another. Part of the problem is my husband cannot hear me. I tell him what I want and he cannot hear me. With this last birth, I ended up in a horrible csect. I stupidly consented to it, but I had no support. It was a HUGE mistake. I almost died from it and my dh took that time to name the baby a name I hate and have him circumcised. My dh never heard me, the many times I told him, that I did not want a csect, I hate that name, and I do not want the baby circumcised. He cannot hear me. What I say to him does not register. I cannot hire a doula to help because based on what this contract says, a doula's job is not to advocate. Even though my dh cannot hear me, I think if someone stepped in when my dh is trying to circumcise the baby and tells him stop, your wife does not want this, he might hear her. I am sure he would hear her. But instead, I am on my own. I can afford doula, but based on the contract, the doula won't make a difference. What can I do? Am I just up to the randomness of what happens on the next birth? Because I almost died from the csect and was too sick to feed or hold the baby, it was left to my dh to make the decisions. He was not trying to purposefully go against me, it is just that he is incapable of hearing me (and writing things down does not help). So despite my telling him many times over how much I hated this name and that I did not want the baby circumcised, he could not hear me. 

[FarmerBeth]

I trained as a post-partum doula, worked in prenatal education and have a lot of birth doula friends and most I know would include advocating as part of their job.  Generally, a doula helps the mother for a birth plan from early labor to 6 weeks post-partum or so, detailing which procedures you do or don't want to be used and what, what you may want to name the baby, where you want you and baby to be following birth, what support networks other than the doula you have set up for birth and post-partum, etc.  Maybe you can find a doula who is willing to work with you on this and include advocacy in the contract.  I also think you need to have some really DIRECT discussion with your husband.  Some people, no matter how long they know you, will only understand blunt, brutal honesty with no hints, etc.  Would he have any chance of hearing you better if you had this discussion well ahead of time?  And do you have any female friends who could serve as doula if hiring one doesn't work for you?  I know some Mom's who kicked out their husband and had their best friend with them.  As much as dads are wonderful and an important part of baby's life, dad in the room doesn't work for every situation.

[Lisa1970]

I can pay the doula, no problem. I have told my dh many times about his hearing problem, but it just keeps happening.There are some deep down reasons why he is this way and I know he wants to do things right, he just has a mind block on this and we have gone rounds on it and he feels bad, I think, but in the meantime, I have to deal with trying to move on from the many many horrible nasty birth experiences.

(by hearing problem, I mean, he ignores me, does not hear what I say. But he has issues with anxiety so I think that is part of the problem).

Edited by Lisa1970 - 4/30/11 at 9:10am

[bobandjess99]

I'm sorry, I am not being snarky or anything, but I am honestly uncertain...does your dh have a physical hearing problem?  Or are you say that he does not hear you like..he doesnt get it and doesnt remember it?  

[FarmerBeth]

Maybe you can word it to the doula this way: rather than directly advocating, you just want her to help reinforce what you have written in your birth plan if you are having trouble focusing on the questions presented to you due to difficult labor.  You would be the only one making the choices, you would just like some help presenting what your wishes are should you be too physically exhausted to do so.  Explain that when your husband is stressed out, he has a hard time paying attention to what your wishes are, and since he might be understandably anxious during the birth, the help of an outside party would be appreciated.

[Lisa1970]

he gets anxiety ridden and while I am in labor, he cannot register anything. With the first baby, he ended up on the floor in the corner. I remember looking at him and his face was red. It is that sort of thing.
 

Originally Posted by bobandjess99 

I'm sorry, I am not being snarky or anything, but I am honestly uncertain...does your dh have a physical hearing problem?  Or are you say that he does not hear you like..he doesnt get it and doesnt remember it?  

[shellnurse]

Yep, hire a doula for sure! Interview several, telling them exactly what happens to DH and what kind of support you need. Although a certified doula's job is not technically advocating, as in arguing with medical staff, she is there to support you and your wishes. 

I hired a doula who has 10 years experieince and knows all the medical staff at our local hospitals and she does feel comfortable discussing options with nurses and OBs/MWs. It's not a part of her contract, but she does it anyway.

Just keep interviewing until you can find someone to fill the role you need. Being ignored by strangers is traumatic enough, being ignored by a loved one sounds absolutely horrendous and maybe a well-seasoned doula can help you with that and the communication issues DH develops during labor.

good luck!!

[weliveintheforest]

I would tell the doula what your concerns are, that you do need someone to advocate for you directly.  If she is not willing to do that, you can find someone who will.  I think what certified doulas want to avoid is being seen as speaking for the mother, and they don't want to fight with hospital staff, but in your circumstances I am sure someone can do what you need.

[Lucy Alden]

Very gently, perhaps you could ask your husband to not be there and instead stay home with your other children.  I know its standard for dad to be in the room, but in this case it seems like its more of a hinderance than a help.  He has anxiety, seems to be traumatized by the labor and delivery and will not follow your wishes.  It benefits no one to have him there.  Hire an experienced doula, have a very clear written birth plan and be very explicit with your provider leading up to the birth about your wishes.  Its true a doula cannot speak up for you to the doctors.  But, the benefit of a doula, in my opinion, is that she can remind you what it is that you want even when you are in the middle of labor/delivery or faltering because of the situation.  Ideally it would be wonderful if you had a close friend or relative (not your husband) and your doula with you.  That way the three of you can take on a tag team effort.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

There's no way to say this politely.  Why are you having children with a man who does not care a whip about your desires? If he is totally unwilling to listen to you and takes advantage of your incapacity to push his own agenda - well, it sounds like there are more serious issues than whether he attends the birth. I am very sorry that you went through so much trauma alone. I would be very concerned about his ability to co-parent with you if he does not even rate your thoughts important enough to consult you on something as important as naming a child and circumcising an infant. If he has a mental breakdown just during periods of extreme stress, well, I have the same concern.  Raising children is hard and stressful. How is he going to be able to keep it together during those periods?  

[princesstutu]

I agree that if the birth sitch is too stressful for him, he should stay home with the kid(s) and come after it's all over. 

And, you can definitely find a doula who will speak up for your wishes.  That's not the same as advocating for you.  Write a birth plan, have it signed by your doctor and included in your paperwork when you get to the hospital.  Keep copies everywhere in the room.  The doula can be contracted to make sure what's in your birth plan is what happens, nothing more.  Unless, of course, you change your mind. 

Make sure you include things like naming the baby and not circ'ing if it's a boy in your birth plan.

Also...I don't know how your husband got away with naming your child without your consent.  It's my experience that the mother has to consent to anything about the child, including circ'ing, before the hospital does it.  I would talk with the hospital about this now, not wait until I was in labor, if I were you. 

Regardless, put everything you care about in the birth plan and hire a doula who will follow the birth plan and make sure your doctor's on board, too. 

I'm so sorry you got so screwed over in your previous birth.  It will all be okay, though.  You'll see. :)

[Lisa1970]

Because I was all drugged up after the complications so that is when I let him and signed the papers. He has been telling me for a long time now that I can change the baby's name, but I feel so dumb doing that. I mean, he was telling me by the time the baby was a few weeks old that I can change the name. 

Originally Posted by princesstutu 

I agree that if the birth sitch is too stressful for him, he should stay home with the kid(s) and come after it's all over. 

And, you can definitely find a doula who will speak up for your wishes.  That's not the same as advocating for you.  Write a birth plan, have it signed by your doctor and included in your paperwork when you get to the hospital.  Keep copies everywhere in the room.  The doula can be contracted to make sure what's in your birth plan is what happens, nothing more.  Unless, of course, you change your mind. 

Make sure you include things like naming the baby and not circ'ing if it's a boy in your birth plan.

Also...I don't know how your husband got away with naming your child without your consent.  It's my experience that the mother has to consent to anything about the child, including circ'ing, before the hospital does it.  I would talk with the hospital about this now, not wait until I was in labor, if I were you. 

Regardless, put everything you care about in the birth plan and hire a doula who will follow the birth plan and make sure your doctor's on board, too. 

I'm so sorry you got so screwed over in your previous birth.  It will all be okay, though.  You'll see. :)

[rainbow_mandala]

If my partner had my son circumcised after me making it clear that that is definitely not okay, I would totally lose it.  Seriously.  That is so beyond unacceptable, there is no way I'd be able to keep it together.  I definitely wouldn't have him with me the next time around and I would also make sure he understands how hurt I am by his anxiety-induced listening issues.  I'd also try to talk him into therapy and/or meds because that is definitely serious, especially if he listens just fine when he's not anxious.

[elisheva]

If your DH is this anxious in the delivery room, he should *not* be there. Get a close friend or relative to be with you and help speak for you. I'm not sure I would choose a doula for this purpose. Your DH should absolutely not be there, though, if he is not going to honor what you agreed on.

[Lisa1970]

The circumcision part I did not make clear as definitely not ok, that was the csect part. I had said I did not want the baby circ'd, but our older boys were circ'd (I was not here yet and reading all the studies and such) so he did not realize or think or have it dawn on him to ask if we were doing anything different.