Sexual abuse and "body" books

[fairejour]

(Ok the sexual abuse was my mother's in her childhood not my child.)

This week at the library my 7 year old daughter (she has a severe language delay because she is deaf and is very innocent but is not cognitively affected) picked this book http://www.amazon.com/Amazing-You-Getting-Smart-Private/dp/0525473890  She just saw it, and grabbed it on the way to checkout, so we got it. It actually isn't the first time she has looked at books like this, she has asked some questions, so we have had a few conversations, but nothing has really ever "pushed" the issue since she is an only child and all her cousins are too (so no experience with pregnacy)

So, we get home and DD rushes to show her Grammy the book. Grammy is terrible upset and just distracts her and plays something else. Later, she talks with us and say how "inappropriate" the book is. She is mad. She asked if DD was "asking questions" and we said no, she picked the book, so we just got it. She said "So if it isn't to answer questions, what is it for, self gradification??" WHAT?!

She said that she thought it was perverted and way too "graphic" and completely age inappropriate....ummm...it's aimed at preschoolers!

I get that my mom has a serious problem with sexuality and penises especially, but really, this is stuff that kids need to know, right? She then asked me how I learned and I said at school (but in truth, I would go to the library and look at these books!) and she said that it was ridiculous and that we shouldn't have let it in the house.

How do I respect her history, but still raise my child without shame?

(Oh, and my mother lives with us. She joined us when myself, my husband and DD moved cross country to seek a better learning environment for DD.)

[goldenwillow]

That is a tough one, no doubt. 

I wasn't able to see most of the book, but I think it is completely healthy for a child to know their body. 

So it is triggering to your mama.  Triggers are no fun.  Maybe keep the book in your daughters room or in a place where G-ma will not see it?  I think it is important to share with your daughter that the book is ok, G-ma just isn't on board..... not sure how to explain that completely. 

Would your mama be ok with you explaining to your daughter that someone wasn't good to her? 

[fairejour]

Her problem with the book is that it shows a drawing of a naked little boy and a naked man (showing their penis). She thinks that is NOT ok.

Wow, never thought of explaining why Grammy is uncomfortable with the book....I have no idea how she would feel about that....we always knew, from a very young age (even to an inappropriate level) so, I don't know how we would do it in a gentle way....interesting idea...

[goldenwillow]

I see maybe where you mama isn't cozy with that, bummer.  I think it is positive.  It isn't like a graphic picture, they are drawings, right?

I think that it is always positive to explain that people are not always good...  that said... I have no idea how I would do that (not quite there yet DS is 22 months).  I plan on explaining to DS that if someone touches him inappropriately, that is not acceptable. 

I wish someone would have done that at a younger age for me, not sure if that has been a topic for you and your daughter.  I see it as an opportunity to share with her how to possibly protect herself.  That is a double edge sword, I wouldn't want her to be scared of everyone, KWIM? 

[APToddlerMama]

Just to throw it out there...maybe part of the reason your mom isn't comfortable with it is just generational.  I could totally see my parents being that way without a history of sexual abuse.  I think you could explain to your daughter in very simple basic terms that maybe grandma had a different upbringing or that some tough things happened to her when she was young that make her more sensitive to this, but that it is still completely okay for your daughter to read this book...just that you'd prefer if she shared it with you and not with grandma.  It is up to you how to answer those questions if she asks you what difficult things happened with grandma.  I think you could say that it would be something you'd talk about when she is a little older if you don't feel comfortable sharing now or if grandma would be opposed.  My DS is three and has some developmental delays so we are nowhere near starting to discuss any of this, but when the time comes I plan to let him know that this is something we discuss within our family (mom and dad) but not with friends (or I guess extended family depending) because it is their parents jobs to have those discussions with them when they think they are ready.  Mainly I am going to do this because I don't want him to share info with his friends and have their parents in a tizzy over it.  I think you could do the same with grandma though too. 

[crunchy_mommy]

I guess I would gently tell grandma that your DD picking up this book is probably her subtle way of saying that she DOES have questions.

I was sexually abused... but I have the opposite reaction as your mom, that it makes me want to make sure DS fully understands both the male & the female body etc. (plus those are just things that kids should know, IMO, but I can respect that your mom does not agree, and obviously sexual abuse affects everyone differently!) Hopefully you can find a way to explain to DD what happened to your mom & what her issues are so that the two of you can try to avoid triggering her... Would that be a talk your mom would want to be involved in, or something that would better take place in private?

And I agree with the pp that this also might not just be about SA but about just the way she was brought up...

[Marsupialmom]

I would avoid your mom's sexual abuse.  Explain to your child some older people were raised not to talk about boy and girl parts or changing bodies.  Let her know not all people will agree but there is nothing shameful or wrong -- how ever there are people that were taught that and still believe it. 

[goldenwillow]

These are really mind opening posts.  I agree with each of you.  Such a tough topic. 

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

I also would not bring up grandma's history.  Just find a way to keep these discussions between yourself, DH and your DD.  Explain to grandma that research shows that children who know the correct words for body parts and have been taught about privacy (not shame) are LESS likely to be abused. 

[annamama]

MIL is very much like this and I know she would have a similar reaction. There is no abuse in her background - it is purely an age thing. She is very unknowledgable about how our bodies work, clearly because it was never discussed. I would just explain to your DD that Grandma doesn't like to talk about the private areas of our bodies, so as you are happy and comfortable talking about it,  it's a discussion best left between you two :)

[Linda on the move]

It might also be a good idea to talk to your DD about the idea of *privacy.*  These are *private* issues that we only discuss with certain people, and grandma just isn't one of those people.

I also think this has more to do with GM age than her history, and would completely leave that out of it.

(just another sexual abuse survivor here who also agrees that kids knowing the facts helps protects them by making it more difficult for them to be victimized in the first place and more likely to tell if something happens, so the parents and courts can make sure it doesn't happen again and again and again)

You are doing a good job! Keep it up!

You might gently tell your mom that you guys are making some different choices here, as is your right as parents. It's really sad that she's allowed something in her childhood to mar her entire adult life. It is possible to heal and be whole.

[Lisa1970]

I would not explain that Grandma was abused. That is sort of an adult topic. Plus, while you have that information, it is not really right to pass it on unless Grandma wants the info passed on. I also think that Grandma's issues are more to do with the time she grew up rather than the sexual abuse. I was sexually abused (hate to admit this publically) and the images would not offend me. 

[fairejour]

***TRIGGER ALERT***

Grammy said her issue is specifically related to the penis pictures. She brought up the fact that her father used to graphically expose himself to her and her sisters and stimulate himself in front of them on a very regular basis. She told us a story about that after she saw the book....I guess in her head, that is what she saw in the cartoon drawings....

[Linda on the move]

well, may be it's time for grandma to get some therapy.

The fact that GM has some serious issues (and has had them for the last 60 years) isn't a reason to your DD to grow up with all sorts of weird hang ups about penises.

Edited by Linda on the move - 5/2/11 at 7:38am

[goldenwillow]

How horrible for your mama, and for you to hear too.  I am sorry. 

I agree with Lindaonthemove. 

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by fairejour 

(Ok the sexual abuse was my mother's in her childhood not my child.)

This week at the library my 7 year old daughter (she has a severe language delay because she is deaf and is very innocent but is not cognitively affected) picked this book http://www.amazon.com/Amazing-You-Getting-Smart-Private/dp/0525473890  She just saw it, and grabbed it on the way to checkout, so we got it. It actually isn't the first time she has looked at books like this, she has asked some questions, so we have had a few conversations, but nothing has really ever "pushed" the issue since she is an only child and all her cousins are too (so no experience with pregnacy)

So, we get home and DD rushes to show her Grammy the book. Grammy is terrible upset and just distracts her and plays something else. Later, she talks with us and say how "inappropriate" the book is. She is mad. She asked if DD was "asking questions" and we said no, she picked the book, so we just got it. She said "So if it isn't to answer questions, what is it for, self gradification??" WHAT?!

She said that she thought it was perverted and way too "graphic" and completely age inappropriate....ummm...it's aimed at preschoolers!

I get that my mom has a serious problem with sexuality and penises especially, but really, this is stuff that kids need to know, right? She then asked me how I learned and I said at school (but in truth, I would go to the library and look at these books!) and she said that it was ridiculous and that we shouldn't have let it in the house.

How do I respect her history, but still raise my child without shame?

(Oh, and my mother lives with us. She joined us when myself, my husband and DD moved cross country to seek a better learning environment for DD.)

I would say your dd choosing the book also means that she has questions or a normal curiosity.

I guess I would reassure grandma that if dd seems uncomfortable with the content then you will put the book away. I would tell her that being curious about bodies is totally normal and the information is important and in your dd's control. You will be guided by your dd.

I would tell your dd that grandma doesn't want to look at this book and advise her to bring it and questions to you instead.