Another New Here... thread, I really need some information/btdt support

[mama2004]

I've been working on an exit plan and my marriage, but it seems most likely that my marriage will expire before my exit plan is completed.  So I think I'll be joining the ranks of the amazing women here.  I'm feeling a little out of my depth (I've been a sahm for the last four years), and I'm wondering if anyone can point me in the right direction as far as resources to seek out if I do find myself flying solo in the next little while.  

Specifically, if anyone could offer suggestions as far as social services, employment training/education assistance, housing/financial resources for a probably soon to be very low income mama.  Or, any ideas as to how to properly arrange the end of my marriage to account for some of those things?  If anyone happens to be in the Portland, Oregon area, all the better.  Thank you.

[doubledutch]

i think there's so much variation based on where you are, that it's really hard for anyone to name resources if they're not in your area.  have you tried posting in finding your tribe?

if you're considering going to school, it might make sense to apply now or at least start that process.  once you're officially single and low income, you'll qualify for financial aid (probably grants, not just loans), and the student services offices would be able to put you in touch with resources for child care, health insurance if you are losing it, etc.

if you're not sure about that, or it feels overwhelming to try to figure that out before everything is settled with your marriage/divorce, you would likely be working with county social services, but i don't know that you can get anything rolling while you are still living together.  however there may be non-government resources through a shelter/women's center, ywca, legal aid, etc, and you could at least find out about those now as someone who is planning to divorce in the near future.  even if they don't have programs that you would be eligible for at this point, it's good to at least know what's out there, and even locating one resource like that can lead you to others.

have you talked with a lawyer yet?  that is really the very first thing to do.

[mama2004]

Thanks, doubledutch.  I appreciate your kind words and the fyt suggestion is great.  I figured I was asking for things that would likely be too area specific, but I was trying to avoid just saying, "I'm incredibly sad and overwhelmed right now."  Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[provocativa]

First things first:  lawyer up.  Call whatever lawyer you know, and get recommendations from him/her.  Then call those recs and get the rates.  I got a rec from my sis's friend (who is a smart lawyer herself, but on long leave to BF her two babes).  I went with the one who cost the least- and she is charging me less because she divorced her own alcholic husband and it is an open and shut case for her.  Plus she is a bitch with 30 years experience.

Second:  If there is any verbal, emotional, or physical abuse start a record.  My phone records for hour increments, and you need to start a log of these events.  Pictures are nice (alcohol receipts, empties, etc.).  IDK what is admissable in your state but document every way you can.  Some of what you document may be useful in mediation even if it is not admissable in court.

Third:  File right away, as soon as you kick him out or even during the process.  You should get a temporary order of support within 2 weeks.  Your lawyer should be able to argue in mediation that you need the mortgage and all utilities paid for the interim temporary period, for the safety and sanity of the kids, because you have been a sahm.  Fight hard for every little thing during mediation, because the divorce could drag out for a long time.  They didn't care that my husband couldn't afford an apt. on his own, he had to stay with friends and family (which was good for him, whether he liked it or not).  As soon as you get the temporary order you can get food stamps (you can get in the food bank before then).  Try to find out ahead of time what the savings limit is for food stamps (here you can have up to 2,000 in the bank I think.)  I only had a couple hundred in the bank, still only have 500 to my name- but my temporary order is keeping the family together for lo these aeons it is taking for the lawyering to end.