Bitter Sushi Ladies, May 2011 - Page 6

[monkeyscience]

Woke up this morning to a BFN and a temp drop. Happy Mother's Day.

[Emaya]

oh NO, Monkey, that is just not right. I thought about you first thing this morning and was so hoping for some more good news here today for Mother's Day (though not possibly as much as I imagine you were hoping). I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I don't have any words of positivism, I just want to say that I feel for you. Big hugs to you. 

[Sweet.Bee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkeyscience 

Woke up this morning to a BFN and a temp drop. Happy Mother's Day.

Noooooo!  How big was the temp drop? Maybe it's not over. My reading was lower a few days ago, so I banished my thermometer for being evil.

[Milk8shake]

Originally Posted by monkeyscience 

Woke up this morning to a BFN and a temp drop. Happy Mother's Day.

Aw crap.  So sorry.

All I can say is thank heavens Mother's Day is over in my neck of the woods
 

[Kyamo]

Oh no Monkey, sorry about the BFN.  How many DPO are you?  Hopefully it's just too early.  

AFM - My mother's day present was a cancelled cycle.  CD 11 and follicles not growing, estradiol falling, so they said I'm not responding and cancelled.  That is weird, since historically my ovaries responded really well.  I have an appointment in about 2 weeks to discuss what to do next.  I think I'll start temping again in the meantime in case I do end up ovulating a lot later.  

[kparker]

Happy mothers day to all of us that haven't gotten there yet or are still hoping for more. You guys know it best when it comes to how I feel on this day. *hugs*

[rcr]

monkey and kyamo, so sorry. Hugs to both of you. Monkey- I hope it was just too early, and the room was just too cold or something. What a sad mothers day. Kyamo - I hope it was just a fluke that you didn't respond well. I hope your RE thinks it was just a one-time thing.

My beta is on Friday.

[monkeyscience]

ladies, especially Kyamo. :(

I was sooo upset to see the low temperature this morning... it's a tenth of a degree below my coverline, and 7/10ths lower than my last temp (which was Friday, b/c I couldn't find my thermometer Saturday morning). It didn't help that I was (pointlessly) furious at dh about something from last night, so I woke up angry on top of it. (And it's dh's birthday... wow, too much!) So I got up, drove to a nice neighborhood, and went on an early morning walk. It helped me realize that it was stupid to be upset with dh, which was good. So I went home and apologized, and then cried and told him about the BFN. (He was asleep when I left.) He is still hopeful, but I feel like all the wind has been taken out of my sails. I should be about 9 or 10 DPO, so I thought I might see something. And honestly, if I look hard at the test, there is a VERY faint line. But I'm pretty convinced that, if it's really there, it's just leftover hCG, especially with the temp drop. It is a temp that would be above my normal coverline for a Provera cycle, but all the temps I've taken since the hCG trigger have been higher than this temp. Like I said, tomorrow should tell if I'm really out. If I get another low temp, that should pretty much seal it. Plus, since I'm not on the progesterone, I expect I'll start AF tomorrow if this is a no-go.

I really didn't know how I was going to get through church, especially teaching Sunday School, as I was feeling so sad about it all. Luckily, dh put on a hymn while we were driving to church that had just the right lyrics to remind me that this is in God's hands and God's timing. Not that I'm good at accepting that, but it's helped me to realize all the times that God has guided my life in ways I didn't necessarily expect (or want!), and it's worked out for the best. So we will see!
 

[lilmom]

 Kyamo! I am so sorry!!!

Monkey - I hope tomorrow goes better, and I'm so sorry you woke up to that..but it's still early.

rcr- good luck with the beta! We'll be anxiously awaiting good news.

Love y'all today. I know this is a hard day.

[objet_trouve]

I think I fixed my charting issues. I'm now in love with that Taking Charge of your Fertility book.

-first off, I looked at my journal, where I talked about having no idea what I was really doing with CM. I looked at my descriptions, and updated my chart according to the actual pictures of CM in TCOYF. I didn't understand what sticky meant exactly, and didn't think I got it at all, and I didn't understand what watery meant, and confused it with creamy. I feel stupid, but at least that's settled and I'll have a better understanding for in the future.

-second, being off vitex made me miserable. My temps stayed high and the cramping kept getting worse and I was depressed and irritable. I realized that the problem seemed to have started when I lowered the dose like it said on the bottle and on the internet, and that I hadn't had been having problems before I lowered the dose. So Friday night, I started taking Vitex 3 times a day again, and my chart started diving back down. No AF yet, but the lowered temps make me feel better about it.

So there's that. This book is amazing.

[Emaya]

Kyamo, I'm so sorry to hear of your cancelled cycle. No good. I hope it's just a fluke! And Monkey, what an ordeal for Mother's Day -- waking up to a sinking temp, angry with dh, and a bfn (I have a hard time -- when I see the "n" in that combination of letters -- not interpreting it as "f*ing" rather than "fat"). That you had the smarts to go walk it out in a beautiful neighborhood probably saved you. I might have just rolled myself up into a little ball and refused to get out of bed.

With all the sadness that some are enduring, there are some points of light that are so exciting recently - Sweet.Bee and LTB!  LTB, your decision to go through with emergency foster care is wonderful! I'm so excited for you that you will soon have little ones in the house again. That you have a calling to care for little ones is clear. And if a child is taken from your home, it will be so hard, but at least that child will have had an experience of what love, care, and security feels like so s/he knows how to recognize it when true love comes his or her way again in life.

I'm either 10-12 dpo now and feeling a little hope for the first time in a looooooooooong time. No spotting yet, which I usually have. Even thinking about taking a hpt; haven't done that in months. Maybe even a year. If I don't get spotting tomorrow, I'll test Wednesday morning.

[Laggie]

Hi Ladies,

Just popping in to say that I'm lurking... and I stole the pillowcase idea for my Grandma, we used iron-on transfers and made a big heart that says "Grandma, We Love You!" and then we put photos of the grandkids around it. Thanks for the idea!

Currently on day 4 of IVF stims (3 injections daily) and feeling dazed and irritable. Grateful that this medical intervention exists but I don't think my body is convinced.

Congratulations to SweetBee!!! 

Sorry, I'm too scatterbrained for personals today. Just reading and hoping for all of you.

[monkeyscience]

My temp was low again this morning, and bleeding started around lunch time, along with horrific cramps. Bleeding's pretty light so far, and cramps have mostly subsided for the moment, which is nice. dh and I are both just sad at this point. On the plus side, I can now just cancel my RE appointment Friday and never go back to that place again!

[lilmom]

Monkey- I'm so sorry!!!

Good luck, Emaya & Laggie!

O_T- it seems like vitex may just be your thing! I hope so. Also, seriously, TCOYF is the greatest. It reallllly helped me out too. Glad you like it!

rcr- What's the word?

AFM, think I just might have O'ed yesterday. Hoping so..time will tell. Of course you all know by now how I tend to think I am O'ing two or three times before it usually happens..but I'm really hoping. Who knows..maybe I caught the Mother's Day egg if so! Gotta have hope.

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by monkeyscience 

My temp was low again this morning, and bleeding started around lunch time, along with horrific cramps.

I am so sorry, monkeyscience!!!
 

Originally Posted by Emaya 

And if a child is taken from your home, it will be so hard, but at least that child will have had an experience of what love, care, and security feels like so s/he knows how to recognize it when true love comes his or her way again in life.

Thank you, Emaya. That is what I am hoping, also. You know, everyone I have told right away says that it would be so hard when the baby leaves. Yes, I think it will be... especially so, if the baby is one I was hoping would stay. BUT... I think all of you here get it: I have been through enough sorrow as it is. If I can be sad because a baby I have loved leaves, I might as well. Otherwise I would sometimes be sad, anyway, without a baby to hold. At least this will keep me busy and doing what I love. I think the reason I could finally start the process to start doing crisis care is that I can finally also see the good points to only having one. Thus I will have those to think about when each baby leaves. And, yet, I suppose I won't know how I will react until I live it. I just sooo hope the process will go fast. Dd and I are so very excited. (And in case anyone is worried: It is not really in my dh's character to get excited about something like this. He has said yes, and that is more than enough in his case. He will do great and probably even love it when the time comes...) Something about all this just feels very right but I could not have come to accept any of this without the years of hoping for a child.

[Milk8shake]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

Thank you, Emaya. That is what I am hoping, also. You know, everyone I have told right away says that it would be so hard when the baby leaves. Yes, I think it will be... especially so, if the baby is one I was hoping would stay. BUT... I think all of you here get it: I have been through enough sorrow as it is. If I can be sad because a baby I have loved leaves, I might as well. Otherwise I would sometimes be sad, anyway, without a baby to hold.

I understand this exactly, and I think Emaya's comments are right on!  I hope that the process moves quickly for you.

AFM: I don't know why, but I decided to test.  I'm only 9/10dpo - and of course, I got the obvious answer.

ETA: Just finished stalking January 2012 DDC, and now am really angry that there are mamas there talking about how they have already knitted hats for their bubs.  I know it's irrational, but I can't help thinking: "how come they can be so confident of a sticky pregnancy?"

*end rant*
 

Edited by Milk8shake - 5/10/11 at 12:59am

[Emaya]

The last two nights, I've had dreams of spotting, as I usually do when it's time for my period and I'm thinking a little bit about could I be pregnant now...? Am I possibly...? Did we finally catch it this time...?  I have been hopeful this cycle, yes, as the spotting didn't come when it was supposed to two days ago, but I have not had ONE SINGLE feeling of physical or spiritual "I think so" this month. I never do. I didn't know I was pregnant with my daughter until at least two weeks after my period was due (didn't have much insight into my cycles back then), and never had a symptom until I started getting firm kicks in the ribs from the inside.  Like I've written before to LTB, I have NO feminine intuition. Zilch. Last night, before going to sleep, I asked my body to give me a sign if I were pregnant. Nothing (except a spotting dream, which I took to mean that I wasn't). And yet, I'm sitting here shaking and in tears because after 21 cycles of trying, I have a positive pregnancy test in my hands!  I am completely in shock. I'm sorry to be one of those people who are in and out of BSL so quickly -- I've only been a member since February. I considered not sharing this news here, so as not to be another case of a I'm-here-then-gone BSL, but I decided to share anyway because I've been trying for so long, and the lack of hope (I felt on many occasions, "it's not going to happen for me; it's just not") I had is something many of you have felt at least a little bit in your journey too. So it goes to show, almost two years of trying steadily (we didn't miss timing on a single cycle), almost completely lost hope, and then suddenly and unexplicably, success. The only thing I did differently this cycle was to take royal bee jelly, but I have no idea if it made any difference. I did have tons of EWCM (which I described so un-ladylikely in a previous post, sorry about that!), but I always have good amounts. So no rhyme, no reason.

I'll be sticking around here and to keep track of you if that's ok, since I've invested quite a bit of emotional care in some of your journeys. And I might be back for real, who knows -- I certainly don't take this as "it" for me, I know how precarious pregnancies are (I know this time around, anyway, with help from all of you here and actually reading about statistics. First time around I was one of those ignorant and infuriating women knitting hats for their 4-week-old fetuses, as described by Milk8Shake).

[Smilesarefree]

EMAYA!!!!!! - Congratulations!!!!  And don't apologize for getting out of here so quickly.  21 cycles is a long time to go through this kind of journey. I am so happy for you.  There have been a lot of lucky ladies around here lately, and hopefully more to come!

LTB - I think that what you are doing is awesome, I think that you and your family must have huge hearts and a lot of love to share and we all know that there are too many people out there that lack that. 

[Kyamo]

Congrats Emaya!  Just because you didn't find the BSL early in your TTC journey doesn't mean you didn't feel the pain of how long it took, we understand that.  

Originally Posted by Milk8shake 

ETA: Just finished stalking January 2012 DDC, and now am really angry that there are mamas there talking about how they have already knitted hats for their bubs.  I know it's irrational, but I can't help thinking: "how come they can be so confident of a sticky pregnancy?"

*end rant*
 

That's interesting that you posted that just now.  Thus far, I have completely avoided knitting any baby stuff.  Partly because I'm afraid I would find it too depressing, because who knows whether I will ever get a baby, and partly because I don't want people in my knitting group to see my projects on Ravelry and start thinking I'm pregnant or asking if I am.  But a couple of weeks ago I bought some yarn I thought would be perfect for a baby sweater, and I am considering making it.  Just because I can't help wanting to be knitting baby things.  And if I ever did get pregnant, I'm sure I would start knitting, despite the fact I am extremely aware that my PCOS puts me at double risk for a miscarriage.  I know your feelings on this are probably different, because a past pregnancy loss is not at all the same thing as a high risk for a future one.  But I guess for me, any knitting I do now or while pregnant represents hope for a baby, rather than confidence of certainly having one.  Maybe someday I will have a baby to put that sweater on, or maybe someday years from now I will still be childless and in tears giving my knitting to my sister's future baby.   I hope it is the former.  

[Sweet.Bee]

Emaya! Yessssss! When are you due? During January, right? Please say yes and then join me in the Jan DDC. Almost everyone there had a surprise or got pregnant right away, so I feel kind of weird. Plus, you're in my time zone, too, I think.  Oh, and don't forget the BSL graduates, too. 

Crossing my fingers for everyone else here! More hugs to monkey; I hope this cycle is your cycle. rcr, have you tested yet?

Edited by Sweet.Bee - 5/10/11 at 8:12am