or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Fertility › Trying To Conceive › Bitter Sushi Ladies, May 2011
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Bitter Sushi Ladies, May 2011 - Page 11

post #201 of 258

Also too bitter here, just trying to deal with day-to-day. But I watch, and I silently root for you all and feel for those with troubles, losses, and AFs. <3

post #202 of 258
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by enigo View Post

X-posted
I just tested at 8dpo...I mean what's wrong with me? Who does that anyway winky.gif
The worst part is, I think I see something. Over the last 2 1/2 years on this hellride (Oh crud, almost 3) I have developed the super power of seeing a second line, and I swear I can burn one on just by staring at the test.
This was with SMU and I really wish I hadn't tested. Now I'm a mess.

I do that!!!!  I test at 8 dpo and 7 dpo etc.  Although I am also 8 dpo today and so far I have manged not to test for once.  I also have the super power to see a line where one does not exist!!!  Hopefully for you this time it is a real line!
 

 

post #203 of 258
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smilesarefree View Post

I do that!!!!  I test at 8 dpo and 7 dpo etc.  Although I am also 8 dpo today and so far I have manged not to test for once.  I also have the super power to see a line where one does not exist!!!  Hopefully for you this time it is a real line!
 

 


I swear I look and nothing is there. Then I blink, swear I see something... get in better light (The best light seems to be in the shade in the middle of the day outside.) The bathroom, forget it.
post #204 of 258
Thread Starter 

grouphug.gif to everyone.

 

Dh is having a second, in-person interview Friday. So excited! Keep up the prayers, please!!

post #205 of 258

enigo- I hope it's the real deal. I am pretty good about not testing but I see lines occasionally where there is nothing. It will make a person crazy.

 

monkey- fantastic news! good luck monkey'sDH! Will keep praying for you.

post #206 of 258

Hoping for some news, Enigo and Monkey!

 

I talked with the person we had been assigned to today. She will call me back on Monday and then we will hear when we will meet the first time. Meanwhile, I have been reading about long term fostering (stories by foster moms), and I am feeling more and more that it is not something we will do. We will see how it is for our whole family to help these babies and their mamas. If dd and we all deal ok, I would probably like to keep doing that for some years. However, attachment is everything to me, and I have a very hard time imagining needing to do things I feel are detrimental (visits by bios, if I feel the child suffers, forcing the children to do things, all that). This, mainly right now, is why long term fostering does not feel like a possibility to me. Thankfully, I don't need to know right now. It is not impossible that they won't even accept us, anyway, or something.

 

I am back to having some thoughts about adoption. However, having researched all that earlier, I am not going to make myself go through the whole research process again. I am just going to sit here and be calm. One of the things that carry me is that I have always had such a strong belief in that things will go as they should, even when they are very difficult things. That everything is allowed for a reason and that good things can come out of bad things. I do believe that if something is meant for us, it will happen, whether I keep panicking about it and looking for it right now or not. I know I have grown hugely from this whole ordeal. There are worse days, also, but on the whole I am doing well these days. E.g., I spent a day with a pregnant friend today without having any jealousy or desperation, and actually did not even wish to be pregnant. Somehow it has become all about parenting for me, not about being pregnant.

 

I had spent years researching what we might still try in order to get pregnant. Then, how to be able to adopt, then fostering. I feel like all the routes to having more children have now been researched. It is not impossible that short term fostering will become our way of actually letting go of the odea of having more children. It may be that I will come to realize we are not able to have the very things I enjoy and crave the most. Then, I suppose, I will simply need to figure out what exactly it is that I will move on to as dd grows. I always thought I would be a SAHM for a long time, yet. Maybe I will be a stay at home something else, instead. I really don't know. I just know that I am tired tonight. Somehow the idea of fostering, no matter how short term, places me in the very center of the whole question about why some people are not able to have babies, while others have them without being able to care for them. I feel blessed to feel strong enough to stand there... But I also feel worn out by this long process of searching for answers. 


Edited by LessTraveledBy - 5/27/11 at 11:23am
post #207 of 258
Thread Starter 

dh thinks his interview went pretty well. They said he would hear back soon. Hopefully that's true!

 

Today was the last school day for the kids. I still have to go back Tuesday. It turned into a nightmare day of trying to backup my computer files after my dh accidentally locked me out of my computer last night when I was going to back them up. Sigh. I feel like a sea cucumber, and dh has decided to have friends over. :P He is cooking and cleaning, and I'm being a vegetable, but the thought of having to be social (especially with new people - I'm meeting one of his friends and his friend's gf for the first time) is utterly overwhelming.

post #208 of 258
Nothing today at 10 dpo. I know know it's soo early. But besides the incredibly sore boobs. Does anyone know why they would be so sore one non pregnant cycle and not sore even a little the next non pregnant cycle? It just seems so strange all other things being equal. They usually hurt in the TWW by about 5dpo. This time and one other it started the day before O. They used to just always feel like this in the TWW. They never hurt in the TWW when I was still nursing DS. The cycle he weaned...sore. Thought I was prego for sure then!
post #209 of 258

enigo, I don't know the reason, but the same thing happens to me.  For me, boob soreness varies a lot from cycle to cycle, and I have never been pregnant.  I do notice it is usually most noticeable in the first half of the TWW though.    

post #210 of 258
Quote:
Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy View PostI just know that I am tired tonight. Somehow the idea of fostering, no matter how short term, places me in the very center of the whole question about why some people are not able to have babies, while others have them without being able to care for them. I feel blessed to feel strong enough to stand there... But I also feel worn out by this long process of searching for answers.

Oh I feel you.  The thing that put us off fostering was having to actively encourage the restoration of a relationship between child and bio parents.  In some cases, I'm sure this is for the best, but I just know that I would have a real problem with it, especially if I knew there was neglect or abuse involved.  The "why" question is something I struggle a lot with.  It simply isn't fair.  I feel like we could be good parents, but we are continually faced with people who aren't.  It pisses me off.  And honestly, it is exhausting.  Although this process has changed me in a lot of ways, and made me more compassionate, I have less and less energy and patience than ever. 

I think it takes a very special person to do what you are doing.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeyscience View Post

Today was the last school day for the kids. I still have to go back Tuesday. It turned into a nightmare day of trying to backup my computer files after my dh accidentally locked me out of my computer last night when I was going to back them up. Sigh. I feel like a sea cucumber, and dh has decided to have friends over. :P He is cooking and cleaning, and I'm being a vegetable, but the thought of having to be social (especially with new people - I'm meeting one of his friends and his friend's gf for the first time) is utterly overwhelming.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA  -  I'm sorry, but your "sea cucumber" comment just cheered me up a lot.  I tend to liken myself to a sloth on occasion! Social sucks a bit too.

I'm heading out tonight for my old bosses' birthday.  We've kept in touch, but this will be the first time I've seen her since I walked out of our office in tears 12 months ago, and never went back. 

It's a bit scary.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by enigo View Post

Nothing today at 10 dpo. I know know it's soo early. But besides the incredibly sore boobs. Does anyone know why they would be so sore one non pregnant cycle and not sore even a little the next non pregnant cycle? It just seems so strange all other things being equal. They usually hurt in the TWW by about 5dpo. This time and one other it started the day before O. They used to just always feel like this in the TWW. They never hurt in the TWW when I was still nursing DS. The cycle he weaned...sore. Thought I was prego for sure then!

Frick.  10dpo is still so early.  With my last pg, I tested neg at 10dpo - I honestly thought I wasn't pg until a few days later when I almost puked in the car.  It ain't over :)

 

AFM:  Have chatted to SIL a few times.  BIL is having a tough time with it.  Apparently tougher than SIL, but I think she is putting on a brave face.  I sent them a card, but I've been looking for something to send them.  Not jewellery, because I want it to be for both of them.  Any ideas?

 

Me? Meh.  The desire to be pregnant is really starting to outweigh my fear of another loss.  It's a strange place to be.
 

 

post #211 of 258
Quote:
Originally Posted by Milk8shake View Post



>Me? Meh.  The desire to be pregnant is really starting to outweigh my fear of another loss.  It's a strange place to be.
 

 


You know what I find interesting. Even after 4 losses on my part, I still feel like the next one will be it. So far I've been wrong 3 times...
post #212 of 258

LTB- I think what you are doing is amazing. It's also great you were at peace today when with your pg friend.

 

monkey- LOL at sea cucumber! I always say I'm a bump on a pickle when I feel like I have no energy : )  cucumbers, pickles..it's all the same family. Anyway, glad to hear DH's interview went well. Hope you survive meeting new people. That's always exhausting for me too.

 

milkshake- for some reason a clock comes to mind as a gift for a couple. I don't know..maybe that is lame but it's what popped in my head.  But maybe that would be too much of a reminder all the time? Are you wanting it to be something sentimental? Or something to cheer them up? I feel the same way you do about fostering by the way. I would love to do it, but I don't think I could encourage putting a baby back together with parents I knew were horrible. I guess I just don't have enough faith that people can really change that much in a short period of time.

 

enigo- the only times i have *not* had sore boobs post O is when I am having an anovulatory cycle. But I guess that doesn't help you if you know you O'd. I really hope this is it for you though. Maybe that negative will turn positive in a few more days. I'm still hoping for you!

 

AFM, 8dpo...not much hope that this is my time...that one really high temp seems to have been a fluke. Also, have been having to deal with a friend who is about to deliver complaining about how her baby is about to come and the baby is not due for another week. Sorry, one week before due date does not make your baby a preemie. Also, your baby is going to be perfectly healthy. Please stop complaining, as I would LOVE to be in your shoes right now!!!!!  What makes it particularly hard is that her DS is just 3 wks older than mine...and now he is getting a little sister and my poor DS is still lonely. For a while there, I kept telling myself, hey, at least so and so is still an only child, my son is not the only one. But now he is. Depressing.

post #213 of 258
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilmom View Post
What makes it particularly hard is that her DS is just 3 wks older than mine...and now he is getting a little sister and my poor DS is still lonely. For a while there, I kept telling myself, hey, at least so and so is still an only child, my son is not the only one. But now he is. Depressing.


You know, lilmom, this is the thing that used to hurt me the most, especially as dd has wanted a sibling more than any other kid I know. (What child continuously prays for one from two until 6...) It has felt so unfair. However, some months ago we met a 9-year-old boy who seems to have the same sort of love for younger kids our dd has, for everyone, really. He is just an amazing little boy. Always cares about everyone's emotions, is very gentle and loving. This seems like a rare attitude among kids here, but our dd has it, also. Turns out that this boy also does not have younger siblings, only much older ones from dad's first marriage. Interacting with him has taught me how even kids can learn things by not having. Somehow he and our dd see the value of little ones so clearly. While some kids are better and some worse with their smaller siblings, I have never seen this total love and respect before in almost any of them. (Actually, I do know one big family where all the kids are like that.) The point I am making is that, while I don't expect you to share my feelings and hope there is a baby in the future for you, being an only does not necessarily make a child a selfish bully. (I realize you know this... It has simply become very clear for me.) The way I have started to look at it, is that infertility has reminded our whole family of what a miracle every person, big or small, really is. For our dd, it has also opened her heart, just like mine, to want to love the babies who come our way, knowing they will leave. Now... I don't know how she will feel after the first one leaves, but still... the wish is there. I would never have chosen this for dd or our family, but I am starting to see that it is not only negative. It has made dd grow in some good ways I would not have expected. Me too, I am sure.

post #214 of 258
Thread Starter 

Glad everyone got a laugh out of the sea cucumber thing. It's actually dh's phrase. He coined it early in our marriage (as if one year later is late!) to explain to me why he was not really capable of human interaction when he came home from work. He said he was just a sea cucumber that looked like a person, and I couldn't expect much of him.

post #215 of 258
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeyscience View Post

Glad everyone got a laugh out of the sea cucumber thing. It's actually dh's phrase. He coined it early in our marriage (as if one year later is late!) to explain to me why he was not really capable of human interaction when he came home from work. He said he was just a sea cucumber that looked like a person, and I couldn't expect much of him.


I had no idea what the heck a sea cucumber is or what you meant by that!!!  Sloth I get!  I am being a sloth right now!

 

Lilmom - "For a while there, I kept telling myself, hey, at least so and so is still an only child, my son is not the only one. But now he is. Depressing."  This is how I feel and I am quickly running out of people that I know that only have 1 child, and their children are all younger than dd.

 

I am 11dpo today and I broke down and did a test even though I promised myself that I wouldn't unless I had a least somewhat of a symptom which I don't have and of course it was bfn.  Anyhoo I didn't for a minute think that it would be otherwise but it was still disappointing.
 

 

post #216 of 258
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smilesarefree View Post


Lilmom - "For a while there, I kept telling myself, hey, at least so and so is still an only child, my son is not the only one. But now he is. Depressing."  This is how I feel and I am quickly running out of people that I know that only have 1 child, and their children are all younger than dd.



Yeah.... In my group of friends we are the only ones with an only. Actually, we do know one family, whose kid is 15 already. They are an absolutely wonderful family, though. I have never dared to ask why they have "just one." I like thinking that they understand us so if their only was actually a planned only, I don't want to know. (Hah... It seems I will take some understanding wherever I think I can get it.) I remember how badly it used to hurt when other onlies became big brothers and sisters. However, dd is now so old that many of the ex onlies now have many siblings. I do think of it, sometimes, and it can be a difficult thought, you know, how kids younger than our dd have two younger siblings already. But... I also see how the parents have changed and it has often not been for the better. It breaks my heart to see toddlers treated like they are supposed to be "big." I look at them and think of how happy we were nursing and cuddling and cosleeping and all that. So, finally there is also pride and happiness and thankfulness that have partly replaced the hurt. Partly...a little bit more each day.... until a day comes again that I fall backwards, badly. But, really, you all have the right to be as hurt and sad and bitter as you are and I TOTALLY understand. I guess I am just thinking out loud. One of my big questions used to be whether I would ever be truly happy, again. Now I am so much closer to that. Not just resignation, but actual happiness, even thankfulness about the way things are. But it is thankfulness through acceptance...  not that I would ever plan things the way they have turned out.

 

I think it will get easier as our friends stop having kids, although it will be another 10 years until that really happens. Right now I notice myself partly becoming closer with different people, the kind that are older or have been divorced and are no longer having little ones. I don't have a problem with some families, though, but I do have a very difficult time being around those who are not very good parents (totally subjective, but I don't know how else to explain that without writing a novel). Seeing that stuff takes away my peace, so we are not very social these days.

 

Tomorrow I should hear when our first meeting with the social workers will take place. I am very much looking forward to it. I would like to feel a bit more secure that we really are "right" for this in their opinion. If not, it is ok. I would just like to know soon.

 

There have been plenty of discussions here about hoping for siblings for our child(ren). I hope that it is not too difficult to read for those who don't have a child, yet. I only know the challenges and hurts that I have. I just want you all to know that I am so very thankful for the one child we have. While I would love to have more children, by now I do consider her a miracle. I so hope you will all get your little one(s) very soon.

post #217 of 258
Enigo, I am pulling for you so hard hug.gif I am sorry for the 10dpo negative, I am still waiting for good news,.


I can be completely taken off the list. I am unable to stop crying, my husband left me. He told me over the phone while I was at a coffee shop last Wednesday, (and of course it made me get upset in public) and he moved out that night. In fact, he came and got the rest of his stuff Saturday while I was at work. I haven't seen him, and I suspect I will never see him again mecry.gif

I am beyond devastated, I didn't want that, but he did, and I feel rejected and stupid for having loved him..

So, please take the blurb off of the front page about me and my "loving" husband.

I am in the very early stages of grief and haven't even gotten angry yet. I am just very sad greensad.gif
post #218 of 258

Beloved... I am SO sorry! If that is not a good enough reason to get upset in public, I sure don't know what is. What a way to announce things... a phone call. :( :( :( You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.

post #219 of 258
Thank you, LTB. You and all of the other BSLs are in my prayers constantly. I am not sure I can even lurk, It is way too painful to realize that I will never be in the position to wonder if I was getting a BFP. No more 2WWs. I am just so upset, this is like a death mecry.gif
post #220 of 258

Oh, Beloved, I am so sorry.  hug.gif

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Trying To Conceive
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Fertility › Trying To Conceive › Bitter Sushi Ladies, May 2011