Bitter Sushi Ladies, May 2011 - Page 12

[monkeyscience]

Beloved - I am so, so sorry! I can't believe he did that to you - that he couldn't even tell you to your face. I took you off the first post, but you will always be welcome at BSL, on the list or off! I'm so sad for you. I hope you will ultimately feel better off without him, but I totally understand if you don't feel that now (or ever).

[BelovedK]

Thanks guys. I am sorry for no personals, I am just so preoccupied.

I will say that my ex bf came to town (the father to my son, who is 16 and they have never met ~long story) He stayed the night because he is living for the summer about 2 hours away. I feel so much better having talked to him. He said I am the one who got away and he has regrets for not having been there for us and wants to make it right.

Nothing like a good distraction to make me feel better. My husband is bringing a check for me today, we will see how much it is. If it is not enough, I will get spousal support until I can get on my feet (at least 6 months) I am moving on to the angry phase of grieving, which means I am moving through it.

Thanks for removing me, I can't stand that I will never TTC again.

[Tear78]

Beloved, I'm so sorry honey. I'm thinking of you while you go through this.

enigo, oh I'm hoping for you and thinking of you! c'mon, universe, it's time!!!

[BelovedK]

Thank you, Tear. You and your fighter girl are in my thoughts, good luck with everything!! xoxoxo My ex bf is helping me feel better.

[Laggie]

Oh, BelovedK, I am so sorry. That is just unbelievably awful. 

[lilmom]

Beloved!!!!!!!!!! I am soooo sorry to hear this!!! What a terrible way for him to tell you, on the phone. What a coward. I am glad to hear though that your ex bf/son's father is helping you get through it. I will be praying for you!!!

[lilmom]

Smiles- I hope that negative turns positive. I know it's so disappointing to see it. Also, really, this was our LAST friend who only had one child. We are it, well, not counting the people who just had their first babies this year. We know a few of those. But I have a feeling they'll all be working on baby #2 in another year or two. It really stinks.

LTB- I completely understand what you are saying about your DD. My DS loves, loves, loves babies and desperately wants siblings. He said it again yesterday. We were at my mom's house this weekend and she has his old crib at her house, since she has lots of room and we don't. We really never used it anyway, since we co-slept, but it's a family heirloom. Anyway, he was climbing on it and we told him that it was just for babies to sleep in. He said, "OH OH OH I want a baby stister! Can we get one, mommy, please?!" And it just nearly killed me, again. I put on a smiley face and told him that it sure would be fun if that happens one day. I just feel so sad that he wants it so much, and so do DH and I, and actually, my siblings want us to, and my parents..and it just stinks that we want a baby so much and would love and care for one soooo, so much, and here we are empty handed. I know that can change. And I am trying to hold on to hope that it will. DS will be an amazing, appreciative big brother if it does happen one day.

As well, I really hope no one is getting upset by all this whining from me when I do already have one gorgeous, healthy son. I don't mean to make light of anyone's plight AT ALL, because I also went through wondering if I would ever have one too, and he absolutely is such a miracle to me. Still, I can't help but want more.

I also get not asking the other family if they planned on having an only. If I knew someone else with only one, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to ask, I would rather just think they had gone through the same thing as me so I wouldn't feel so alone.

Enigo- hoping and praying for good news from you!!!!!

AFM, I'm fully expecting AF will show on Wednesday. Blah.

[LessTraveledBy]

I some very strange way I seem to be getting what I have asked for: My period is painless and I no longer have the annoying endless cramping in the TWW. Since also my mucus is just about not there, my cycle goes by very "easily." If I cannot get pregnant, I am happy to not have the endless reminders of where I am at, etc. About 3 weeks until the fertility appointment. I truly do not think we will get an answer, unless there is something going on with dh. I would bet that if I am the one with the issue (likely, unless it is both of us), the stuff will just be too complicated.

I talked with the social worker yesterday. She called right after the meeting in which they decided who would work with her. It turns out they can't come until July, but we will then meet them twice within a week. That means that when they start their summer holidays, we will be done with at least half of the meetings and will have only 1-2 more meetings left with them, I guess in September. I am pretty happy about all that. I am starting to see all this a bit less with emotion. Yes, it is tied to our infertility, since I would never even think of fostering, short or long term, with a little one at home. On the other hand, it feels likely that I will take care of many little ones who will not feel one bit like they are mine. Some may be here only every other day, some will have parents visiting twice a week, some may stay for some days, only, etc. You know, in most of the cases I am very clearly taking care of someone else's child. Of course there is the possibility that I will get to care for a newborn whose parents I will never even meet. Yet, it has become clear to me in the past few days that I need to approach this more as a labor of love, a job of some sort, than as growing my own family. Then if at some point the "perfect enough" situation comes our way, how wonderful! If not, that is good, also.

Since I started to look at and even buy some baby stuff, something interesting has happened within my head: They no longer belong to this mystical world whose gate is closed to me. I have started to feel much less emotion about all that stuff, and that is really nice.

Thinking of you, Beloved, and everyone else!

[enigo]

AF...right on time.
I used progesterone cream this cycle. It always has a way of tricking me.
Anyway on to cycle 18 of charting. In just a couple of months it will be 3 years of actively trying I mean really 3 years? How could it happen if it hasn't already?)
Tomorrow is big garbage day and I am close to taking out DS's crib and changing table to the curb.
Trying not to read the post about the lady who is worried because she got sperm on her underwear...grumble...

[rcr]

Enigo - we are at 3 years too. Seriously, wtf.

I am feeling crampy myself, like AF will be here. this is my third IUI/injectible. If this is a bfn we are doing a hystroscopy/laproscopy in July and taking a break in June. Going under general anistheia (which I obviously can't spell) scares me more than the IVF retrieval. I did it once last time for my D&C, and it scares me because some people believe there is a link to Alzheimer's, and I take care of my mom with Alzheimer's (she was diagnosed at 56).

Beloved - I almost never come here anymore, just browse through every week or so to catch up on anything important that I missed (too many AFs, not enough BFPs), and I almost never go to FB either, so I didn't see your news until just now. I am so sorry about DH. What a horrible way to end a marriage. I am so sorry. I wish I could buy you a good bottle of wine and cry with you. I know I don't know you, but you seem pretty damn amazing to me from what I do know. heck... if I were married to you, I certainly would consider myself lucky I am glad you have a fun distraction with your ex bf.

[monkeyscience]

lilmom - I can't speak for anyone else here, but it doesn't bother me when BSLs with kids complain about not having any more. Secondary IF (or repeat experiences with primary IF) have got to hurt badly, too. I hope when I get pregnant, it's twins, so I never have to worry about if my dc will ever have a sibling! I would hate to have an only, too.

[Milk8shake]

Originally Posted by BelovedK 

Thanks guys. I am sorry for no personals, I am just so preoccupied.
 

So sorry about this mama.  I don't know what else to say.
 

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

Since I started to look at and even buy some baby stuff, something interesting has happened within my head: They no longer belong to this mystical world whose gate is closed to me. I have started to feel much less emotion about all that stuff, and that is really nice.

Sounds like you are making some progress.
 

Originally Posted by enigo 

AF...right on time.
I used progesterone cream this cycle. It always has a way of tricking me.
Anyway on to cycle 18 of charting. In just a couple of months it will be 3 years of actively trying I mean really 3 years? How could it happen if it hasn't already?)

Sucky much.  It's all sucky.  AF, three years, being here... *hugs*

Originally Posted by rcr 

Enigo - we are at 3 years too. Seriously, wtf.

I am feeling crampy myself, like AF will be here. this is my third IUI/injectible. If this is a bfn we are doing a hystroscopy/laproscopy in July and taking a break in June. Going under general anistheia (which I obviously can't spell) scares me more than the IVF retrieval. I did it once last time for my D&C, and it scares me because some people believe there is a link to Alzheimer's, and I take care of my mom with Alzheimer's (she was diagnosed at 56).

I guess that would be a little scary, but myself having had 3 laparoscopies, I can tell you that it's not much to worry about.  In fact, the doctor might even consider twilight anaesthesia - depending on why you are having the procedure?  Is it just investigative/diagnostic, or do they expect to have to have to do something? 

If it helps you feel any better - most of these procedures only take 15-20 mins, so there is very little exposure. 
 

Originally Posted by monkeyscience 

lilmom - I can't speak for anyone else here, but it doesn't bother me when BSLs with kids complain about not having any more. Secondary IF (or repeat experiences with primary IF) have got to hurt badly, too. I hope when I get pregnant, it's twins, so I never have to worry about if my dc will ever have a sibling! I would hate to have an only, too.

You are a better person than me.  I never want to make anyone here feel bad, but I have to admit to feeling a little jealous of the women here who already have children.  That's not to say that you shouldn't share lil mom, because this is my hang up, but if I can't be honest here - where can I?  (That goes for everyone!)

I think a lot of these feelings is around the knowledge that if I am EVER able to have a child, I know that he/she will be an only.  No matter what I want or wish for, I will only ever have one. 

Of course I would love more, but I know that it won't be possible.  A family of three is all I can ever hope for. 

AFM:  Not much to report here.  Very slight chance that our timing was any good this month.  I have just been soooooo exhausted!  I have literally been researching chronic fatigue syndrome because I feel so damn lousy! Read:  go to bed at 8:30pm, sleep for 10+ hours, and still wake up tired!  Anyway, I know I don't have CFS, but something is up.  I have a doctor appointment on Monday. 

Also, I'm not loving my new job.  It is stressful, there is no proper support, and it is a salaried position.  The hours that they expect are pretty ridiculous.  Hmph.  I think I'll look for something else. 

In other news, DP got this sticker for my car.  Don't look if you are easily offended, because it is a bit rude. 

Explanation:  during my darkest days those "my family" stickers were the bane of my existence.  Particularly while I was going through back to back miscarriages, it felt like they we taunting me.  I realise that they are just stickers, but, oh they make me SO MAD.  It's like the chick in the rangerover is just rubbing her 7 kids, 2 dogs, cat and a bunch of chickens in my face.

ETA: removed so I don't upset anyone

Edited by Milk8shake - 6/2/11 at 12:03am

[rcr]

Milkshake - that sticker! ha! I totally hate those stickers too. I live in the south, where everybody starts having kids when they are like 17 and by the time they are my age they have like 12 kids, so it is always really annoying when I see then because they totally cover the entire back windshield with a huge line of kids. We have so many pets, I have thought it would be funny to get a huge line of animals on my back windshield, but I don't think anybody would get it. people are so uptight around here though, If I put a sticker like yours on my car they would rid it off the first day. My friend has a vegetarian sticker on her car and it disappeared the first day.

Wow, three lapsrscopies? That kinda makes me feel better. Thanks. Mine is just exploratory, after two (probably going on three) failed IUIs with injectibles and a failed IVF, the RE is wondering if there is something going on inside me that she hasn't seen. Plus a lap/hystro are about the only tests I have not had. I am kinda hoping they find something and fix it, so at least they know what is wrong with me. You can't fix something if you don't know it exists, right?

[monkeyscience]

Yeah, I have to say... I find that sticker pretty distasteful. I can totally see feeling frustrated with seeing the family stickers, but while I'm jealous of people with kids... I don't wish them all dead. :(

Anyone interested in being threadkeeper for June? If not, I'll do it again, but I'm leaving tomorrow on a vacation, so it'll be a while before I get it up.

[Milk8shake]

Originally Posted by rcr 

Milkshake - that sticker! ha! I totally hate those stickers too. I live in the south, where everybody starts having kids when they are like 17 and by the time they are my age they have like 12 kids, so it is always really annoying when I see then because they totally cover the entire back windshield with a huge line of kids. We have so many pets, I have thought it would be funny to get a huge line of animals on my back windshield, but I don't think anybody would get it. people are so uptight around here though, If I put a sticker like yours on my car they would rid it off the first day. My friend has a vegetarian sticker on her car and it disappeared the first day.

Wow, three lapsrscopies? That kinda makes me feel better. Thanks. Mine is just exploratory, after two (probably going on three) failed IUIs with injectibles and a failed IVF, the RE is wondering if there is something going on inside me that she hasn't seen. Plus a lap/hystro are about the only tests I have not had. I am kinda hoping they find something and fix it, so at least they know what is wrong with me. You can't fix something if you don't know it exists, right?

Hahah - I did wonder if I would get road raged because of the sticker, but everyone that's seen it has loved it.  (Except my Mum, because she hates swearwords!)

Also, I think in general Aussies have a pretty wicked sense of humour, so hopefully they can see the jest in it!

Yep, 3.  Actually 2 laparoscopies, and 1 laparotomy, but close enough.  Of course you are hoping they would find something and fix it!  I have hoped that for every single test I've had.  Fixable is dealable in my book.  Have you had a HSG or contrast MRI?  Those are pretty good tools also, if you would prefer not to go straight to surgery. 
 

Originally Posted by monkeyscience 

Yeah, I have to say... I find that sticker pretty distasteful. I can totally see feeling frustrated with seeing the family stickers, but while I'm jealous of people with kids... I don't wish them all dead. :(

I've taken it down, but can I just say, I don't want anyone dead.  It's just meant to be a satirical jab against the stickers.
 

[LessTraveledBy]

Almost no stickers on cars here, so I can't really comment. I did see those in the US and found the "my honor student" kind kind of distasteful.

Milkshake.... I did not start with infertility, so I cannot claim to understand. On the other hand, while we already have a child, the problem is that it is now so much about her, as she is sad in not having a sibling. I can survive having just one, although it would not be my choice. However, in addition to dh and I, dd has only 3 relatives that don't live thousands of miles away. I really had hoped to have a large family, partly to have that tribe she could not otherwise have. In a sense I wish I had known in the beginning, so I could have acted differently. I love babies and it is partly my fault that dd notices every single one, has to talk to each, forever wants one, etc. That is exactly how I have raised her. Had I known, I would have acted a bit differently but I have no idea how much.

[rcr]

Originally Posted by Milk8shake 

Yep, 3.  Actually 2 laparoscopies, and 1 laparotomy, but close enough.  Of course you are hoping they would find something and fix it!  I have hoped that for every single test I've had.  Fixable is dealable in my book.  Have you had a HSG or contrast MRI?  Those are pretty good tools also, if you would prefer not to go straight to surgery. 
 

I have had that dye test - that is an HSG, right? I also had the saline test. Both were fine. I never had a contrast MRI - never even heard of that. Hmmm.

[Smilesarefree]

AF today bah.  It doesn't normally get me that down but I am starting to lose hope.  I am trying to picture my life differently than I had originally planned, trying to get used to the fact that there may never be another but it is hard to do.  You'd think that we women would somehow know what the hell is going on with our bodies, even when we do get pregnant we only know for sure when we see that test but you'd think that we'd just know somehow.  Same with when we ovulate, we should just know somehow intuitively that it's about to happen/just happened.  It's frustrating to not know the simplest things about our own bodies.

[lilmom]

AF for me today too. Plus I've got a sore throat and fever as well. Lovely.

I feel awful, but I will say quickly, sorry Smiles and Enigo, for AF.  And rcr and enigo..for 3 yrs of this pure suckiness. I hate this for all of us. I'm at 2 yrs. next month if it doesn't happen this time.

[rcr]

Sorry lilmom... I don't think 3 years is any worse than 2 years for me. Once I hit the 1 1/2 year mark I was pretty much totally defeated. All the time after that is just more of the same. Hope you get a bfp this cycle so you don't hit that horrible anniversery.