Bitter Sushi Ladies, May 2011 - Page 13

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by rcr 

Sorry lilmom... I don't think 3 years is any worse than 2 years for me. Once I hit the 1 1/2 year mark I was pretty much totally defeated. All the time after that is just more of the same. Hope you get a bfp this cycle so you don't hit that horrible anniversery.

Yeah... over three years here, also. However, we had to tta in the middle when my thyroid meds were adjusted. So, I would say that the past 14 months or so are when it "should" have happened, as it was "just a thyroid issue!" (Well, obviously not.) I have been there, when it comes to feeling totally defeated. I have lots of acceptance these days, especially in the day time. It gets much tougher when I am up too late. And then there is my firm intuition that it indeed will never happen for me. That, really, it is just not meant to happen. I would be ok with that, if I could know for sure. It is the tiny bit of hope that drives me nuts at times, as well as the the question of how in the world it can be so easy for many and so impossible for some. I mean, I know of many of the issues that can cause infertility, but even then I can hardly wrap my head around this.

The nice thing I can say is that I have accepted that I cannot go back and that the past years have been lost. Now it is simply a question of whether I will ever be able to get pregnant again. I was at my worst, mentally, when I could feel the days going by and was panicking about spacing. Now the spacing would be so far apart, that a year or two makes no difference. I think it is my worst (and very possible) nightmare in this that we will never find out what is wrong. That way I will "get to" test and wonder for the next 10 years. If we could get a "it will not happen and here's why," I would be able to move on. I have moved on a lot, but all this is still always at the back of my mind. I just don't understand any of it.

[Kyamo]

Originally Posted by rcr 

Sorry lilmom... I don't think 3 years is any worse than 2 years for me. Once I hit the 1 1/2 year mark I was pretty much totally defeated. All the time after that is just more of the same. 

Thanks for that perspective rcr.  I am at 1.5 years and I think I am hitting that defeated point too.  Especially because it was about a year ago I got my diagnosis.  They basically told me "You have PCOS, you're not ovulating regularly, we just have to fix the ovulation and you will get pregnant."  Well, they got me ovulating right away.  And still no pregnancy after a year ovulating properly.  The longer it goes on, the more I feel there must be something else wrong on top of PCOS, even though nothing else shows on any of the tests.  And on top of that, if I ever do get pregnant, I have twice the risk of m/c because of PCOS.  So, I have really lost hope.  Anyways, CD3 US today, no cysts so I'm clear to start a new cycle.  New dose of letrozole and another IUI is the plan.  Sigh.  

[littlest birds]

I know what you mean.  I am at "only" 20 months and I feel that my questing for this is over.  I am not hopeful.

My fingers are still crossed but I am not doing anything extra or special to TTC.  I am done with the part where I really believe that it is just a matter of time.  Done with the part where I am lost in imagining the happiness to come.

[Smilesarefree]

Originally Posted by littlest birds 

I know what you mean.  I am at "only" 20 months and I feel that my questing for this is over.  I am not hopeful.

My fingers are still crossed but I am not doing anything extra or special to TTC.  I am done with the part where I really believe that it is just a matter of time.  Done with the part where I am lost in imagining the happiness to come.

I also feel like I am done with the part of me that thinks that it is just a matter of time.  Part of me wants to stop trying as I hope that would stop my obsession and maybe start me on the road to acceptance but I just can't let a month slip by, it's so frustrating and disappointing.

[Milk8shake]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

Almost no stickers on cars here, so I can't really comment. I did see those in the US and found the "my honor student" kind kind of distasteful.

Milkshake.... I did not start with infertility, so I cannot claim to understand. On the other hand, while we already have a child, the problem is that it is now so much about her, as she is sad in not having a sibling.

Funny, bumper stickers are a big thing here!

When I read your comments, I thought: well, I don't have infertility either!  But then I looked on Wikipedia:

Infertility may also refer to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancy to full term.
Hmmmm.  That's me I guess. 

Anyway, I don't doubt that it would break your heard for your DD to wish for a sibling.  I certainly don't claim that my life is harder than yours or anything.  I just wanted to be honest, and say that sometimes, on a bad day, I do feel terribly jealous of families with children. 

Originally Posted by rcr 

I have had that dye test - that is an HSG, right? I also had the saline test. Both were fine. I never had a contrast MRI - never even heard of that. Hmmm.

Yep.  Fair enough.  I only got a contrast MRI after asking for one specifically.  I tend to get a bit carried away with medical stuff

TBH, a lap/hyst is no big deal, and if you are like me, crossing another test off the list will bring you some comfort.  Maybe even some reassurance. 
 

Originally Posted by Kyamo 

Thanks for that perspective rcr.  I am at 1.5 years and I think I am hitting that defeated point too.  Especially because it was about a year ago I got my diagnosis. 

I wouldn't even know what time frame I would be.  It's been over two years since I got pregnant for the first time, and in a few weeks it will be two years since I miscarried for the first time at 12.5 weeks.  I had two more miscarriages, and then hit rock bottom.  Although I wanted desperately to be TTC, and having a baby, I knew that I could NOT cope with another loss during that time, so we took about 7-8 months off all together. 

And honestly, even since then, we haven't been "trying hard" because the thought scares the crap out of me.  Honestly, as much as I want it, sometimes when I know I'm fertile, I avoid sex because I'm frightened of being pregnant. 

I'm sure that make me sound like some kind of crazy lady, and maybe it means that I shouldn't technically be in the TTC forums.  I don't know how to explain it.  In our hearts, we both want it so bad - but I am so afraid of what will happen if we have to live on edge for yet another first trimester, only to be kicked in the arse at the end of it. 

[lilmom]

Milkshake- I am finally chiming in to say that I really hate those bumper stickers on cars too, with the little families and all the pets, and sometimes sports activities or what have you. They just drive me insane!!!!! I feel like those people are really bragging, or desperate for attention.."Look at me, look at me, I have four kids with matchy-matchy names and 2 dogs and a cat! And we play soccer and baseball!"  I don't know, I just feel like they are totally over the top, so I can understand your hatred! .....Also, I think it is perfectly reasonable and makes sense that you are jealous of those with children. Before I had DS, and I spent years wondering if I would ever have a child, I felt the same way. Super jealous at times. And at that time, I believed that although I had always dreamed of a big family, I thought that if I JUST HAD ONE, I would probably be ok and if it never happened again, it would be ok, I would survive it. Then I had my DS. And the feelings of wanting a big family came back, and I thought, I did it once, I can do it again. And then, my child turned out to be a baby lover. Unlike LTB, I never encouraged that side of him, it just is who he is. He loves babies and other kids and he wants to be a big brother more than any other kid i know. So, I feel like I would be cheating my son if I gave up. I just can't. At least not yet. Maybe someday I could. But I can't imagine that day. I think I will be trying forever.

But I do agree with everyone who said that after a year and half, it just changes from "it's a matter of time" to "this really might not happen". Which is awful, and difficult, and I hate it for all of us.

Oh, another comment on jealousy. I am going to be perfectly honest. So please nobody be mad. I have been struggling with the jealously issue so much, that I even got kind of jealous of some of the BSL's who recently got pregnant. I guess I am really out of control. It's not that I didn't want them to be pregnant and wasn't happy for them, I was. But I also was really, really sad for me, in that "WHY NOT ME" way. For a while there, I never got jealous of any BSL's, because I felt like we were all in it together. Then it seemed like half of our group got pregnant in the past 2 months, and the rest of us, who have mostly been here quite some time, are still here, suffering. I just want it to be ALL OF US. And it feels so unfair that it's not. Ugh. I know that is life and I need to get past it. Sorry, I am working on it. I hope that made sense, that I am happy for people but sad for me and the others of us still here. But I promise, I am truly, truly hopeful for everybody here. I think any one of us really does have a shot. Nobody is out forever. And if it happens for you, I will be thrilled for you!

Anyway, Milkshake, I am so sorry for your losses, and I can't imagine how terrified I would be too if that was me!!!!

Kyamo- I'm pulling for you! I hope this IUI will be the one. Hang in there! Also, I have PCOS and I did manage to carry my son full term, so it is definitely possible!!!

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by Milk8shake 

 I just wanted to be honest, and say that sometimes, on a bad day, I do feel terribly jealous of families with children. 

You know... It is normal, and I expected it. I am glad you are able to be honest. Since I am often jealous of the people with 2, 3, whatever, why should you not have the right to be jealous? Of course you are. It is just a part of this junk.

I'm sure that make me sound like some kind of crazy lady, and maybe it means that I shouldn't technically be in the TTC forums.  I don't know how to explain it.  In our hearts, we both want it so bad - but I am so afraid of what will happen if we have to live on edge for yet another first trimester, only to be kicked in the arse at the end of it. 

Not crazy at all. I have never had a miscarriage, but I have had times I was not interested in TTC and had to force myself just because of the endless disappointment. If I had had to deal with miscarriages on top of it all... I don't even know what to say...
 

Originally Posted by lilmom 

So, I feel like I would be cheating my son if I gave up. I just can't. At least not yet. Maybe someday I could. But I can't imagine that day. I think I will be trying forever.

This is how I often feel. I am tried... and basically will got through the testing so I can say (in my head, only) to dd that I did what I could.

But I do agree with everyone who said that after a year and half, it just changes from "it's a matter of time" to "this really might not happen". Which is awful, and difficult, and I hate it for all of us.

I think that might have been the most difficult time period I have had with all this. You know, going from "it is because of my darn thyroid" to "it is just taking time, as I am now older than the first time and all" to "it might never happen" to "does not look likel it will ever happen." Admitting that infertility is the right term for us sucked.

Oh, another comment on jealousy. I am going to be perfectly honest. So please nobody be mad. I have been struggling with the jealously issue so much, that I even got kind of jealous of some of the BSL's who recently got pregnant. I guess I am really out of control.

Is there someone here who manages to not be jealous of them? I sure know I am jealous of anyone who is pregnant. However, the Sushi pregnancies don't annoy me, so that is a big difference for me. While jealous, I am also truly happy for our ladies who have got out. It is interesting how different emotions can exist at the same time.

Then it seemed like half of our group got pregnant in the past 2 months, and the rest of us, who have mostly been here quite some time, are still here, suffering. I just want it to be ALL OF US. And it feels so unfair that it's not. Ugh. I know that is life and I need to get past it. Sorry, I am working on it. I hope that made sense, that I am happy for people but sad for me and the others of us still here.

Yes, this groups has changed a lot in a short amount of time. I don't know how active I will be and for how long. I think I will "always" be here somewhat, but after our testing is done and we hopefully start on the short term fostering, I don't plan to come here to tell everyone how each foster baby is doing, IYKWIM. That would not be helpful to anyone here. I also don't plan to come here to announce things (whatever) to a bunch of ladies I don't know. (Hoping you will all get out soon!) That hurts, in my opinion. Announce here, if you are part of the group. If not, announce in the other threads. Am I the only one that feels this way? Then again, it is different if there are still people here that the announcer knows, I guess.

AFM, as if I did not just share a bunch of me, me, me, already... hah. I am ovulating around now, once again with a lack of mucus and poor OPK's. They are never truly positive. Yet, my cycles are quite regular and it seems I do ovulate every single time. I am having a rather peaceful time right now. Social workers won't come until July and there is another 3 weeks until our infertility appointment. I am interested in dh's test results.. We will, I am sure, do that test among the first ones. If his results are ok, it will leave us with my who mess. Everything works, but yet, apprently something does not. At this point a diagnosis would be a relief in many ways. I would *almost* rather hear "there is nothing we can do for you" than let's try this and that. I have tried so many little things that I am TIRED of doing that. I CAN accept our family as it is and I can move on, but I could really use the knowledge of what is wrong. If I can't get that, I know we will be TTC, to some extent, for the next 10 years. That does kill me...

I really look forward to the time that all our friends have completed their families. It is hard to be around people who are pregnant every 2-3 years, with no end in sight. Also, the social interaction is so different, as they have no real time to talk, chasing toddlers and caring for babies. It was ok when I was doing the same thing, but not really anymore. As I have said many, many times, the ones who are great parents don't bother me half as much. It is the ones that, in my very not humble opinion, are not taking very good care of the ones they have, that bring me to tears every time I see them, out of pure frustration.

I think of you, dear ladies, and pray for you. It is worth so much to me to know that there are other women out there who understand. I think you are all real gems, also, to those around you, whether they know it or not. It takes person who has suffered, to understand another.

[monkeyscience]

Count me among those who are definitely jealous of pregnant BSLs, even if I am happy for them. I'm also not annoyed by them, I stalk them like mad. Which only makes me more bitter. Yeah, why do I do this to myself??

Anyway... DH GOT THE JOB!!! Details are still hazy, but he'll be making (in my opinion) a LOT of money. Well, at least 1.5x my current salary, anyway! So hopefully we can afford more fertility treatments later this year. I'm on CD20-something, I think, and no signs of ovulation. I've put myself back on metformin over the last couple of weeks, though, and am doing great on it! So different than last time. So I'm going to be upping it to twice a day next week to see if that helps anything. Of course, I can only refill it once more before the refills expire, then I'd actually have to find a doctor to represcribe it to me. (I left the doctor who prescribed it to me initially.)

And, we have had an awesome, relaxing anniversary trip. Driving home today after we hit up one more museum.

[miriam_bat_avraham]

...

Edited by miriam_bat_avraham - 4/21/13 at 6:42pm

[monkeyscience]

MBA - Good to hear from you!! Also, I should mention that I teach at a charter school, so making 1.5x my salary is not hard! I've come to realize recently, though, how truly economically privileged I've been all my life, so I try to be grateful. What seems like 'not much' to me is apparently a fortune to a lot of other people. (Though I hasten to add that I feel completely disconnected from a world where $300 purses and brand new sports cars for 16-year-olds is the norm... y'know, like the other people that went to my high school... )

[lilmom]

Monkey!!!! That is fantastic news!!! I am so happy for you and DH that he got the job!!! Woohoooo!!!! I hope this enables you to get some more treatments to help you out! and of course, helps you out in general.

MBA!!!! - great to see you popping in. I hope everything is going really well! And thanks for the kind words! Take care of those twinsies. The quote from DH in your siggy is super funny!

[littlest birds]

I am jealous too but it's not personal.  The majority of the BSLs who were here a year ago are either PG, have already had a baby, or have left.  Not all, but most.  But I know they weren't trying to leave me behind.  I had many sweet invitations to go ahead and get a BFP and it's not their fault I didn't take them up on it.

I am 9dpo and planning to wait for AF and then buy a nice adult hula hoop and try hooping/hoop dance.  That's my feel-better this month, once I know it is guaranteed to be that much longer before a belly could possibly be getting in my way.

[Jane]

I just wanted to pop in to say "hi" and that I am reading - not every single post, but at least weekly.
I don't know if it's hormones or hope or some combo of both, but I feel so disconnected. I don't think I fit here anymore. It feels strange to me to come and not feel like I'm with my sisters, when this used to be my home. So I don't post. But I love you all.

[lilmom]

Originally Posted by Jane 

I just wanted to pop in to say "hi" and that I am reading - not every single post, but at least weekly.
I don't know if it's hormones or hope or some combo of both, but I feel so disconnected. I don't think I fit here anymore. It feels strange to me to come and not feel like I'm with my sisters, when this used to be my home. So I don't post. But I love you all.

Jane, you are so sweet! And we still love you. I can't believe you are already 22 wks!!??! That's so fantastic! Hope you and the bean are feeling great.

[LessTraveledBy]

Congrats, Monkey! it must be a relief that he got the job. So happy for you.

I finally noticed that it seems I can get a positive OPK. I had never seen one before as the lines have always been faint, but the last one, out of many now, was almost positive. I think I have just missed the surge before, testing twice a day or so, as someone here had suggested. So now I am down to my lack of mucus being my only issue that I can think of. I have not had the TWW cramping for months, etc. I know these things can be very fragile and all that, but I am once again thinking that they will never find what the problem is, unless it is with dh. But maybe I am just being negative. It feels strange that this is our last attempt without doctor's involved. Our first fertility appointment will take place right after my next af. It is so strange to have waited this long to go get things checked out. It is just that it always seemed obvious that my thyroid was the problem. It is interesting, actually, as lots of people get pregnant even with bad thyroid labs, and most, it seems, go on to get pregnant after medication. Here I am, having that issue, and then being one of the few that don't get pregnant even with the right amount of medicine. My thyroid doctor was quite puzzled that it had not happened, yet, last time I saw her. I think she was just so used to seeing pregnancies after medication. Oh well...

Hoping for some more positives here, soon.

[rcr]

Hi Jane and MBA! Congrats Monkey!

I don't get jealous when BSLs get pregnant. I do miss them when they move on, like MBA, because she posted so much and now she is gone... but I am happy she got pregnant (and with twins!). It sucks being here through a lot of turn-over in the thread, because I feel a little left behind, as I am sure others who have been around for a long time feel. Watching people come and go while I am still here just sucks. It makes me happy, really happy, though, when somebody gets a BFP, because it kinda gives me hope that maybe I will be lucky to move on too. 

[miriam_bat_avraham]

...

Edited by miriam_bat_avraham - 4/21/13 at 6:40pm

[monkeyscience]

Since no one else claimed it... June thread is up!