Newbie intro and question

[allykat44]

I'm joining this forum in hopes of offering and getting support for this new journey I find myself on. My hubby and I have always been rocky, but kept trying to make it work over and over again. We have a 1 year old son. Things are getting worse and worse, so it looks like we may be going our separate ways and I'll now be a single parent.

So far I'm ok with everything except the shared custody. My parenting style is attachment parenting. I cosleep with my son (DH sleeps in another room), I only go into the office to work 8 hours a week, and I do 90% of the patenting (at least). I just can't imagine now sharing custody of our son and only seeing him 50% of the time. I can't even imagine being away from him overnight. And how can that be the best thing for our son?

I'm wondering how you wonderful women came to terms with shared custody and how it is working for you now?

Thanks in advance

[*MamaJen*]

It's really hard when they're that young. I think a lot of separated families don't start out with 50-50 visitation with infants, especially when they're still breastfeeding.

Is it looking like it might be a relatively harmonious divorce? Would you STBX be willing to do a slow step-up to visitation? You might propose a schedule where he takes the baby for several hours two or three times a week, progressing to full days or overnights a year or two down the road. Have you been able to have any logistical-type discussions of what kind of visitation he'd want?

As far as being away from your child goes...I my case, now that DS is almost three and a half, I actually really appreciate that he can spend time with his dad, stepmom (a really lovely, sweet and nurturing lady who parents her kids in an AP style very similar to mine, I feel totally comfortable knowing that she's watching DS) and stepbrothers and sisters. He gets to build a good relationship with his dad and stepfamily, and honestly, I appreciate the break. My life is really busy with work and school, and it's nice to have a solid block of time to clean the house, catch up on homework or hang out with my friends and boyfriend. I do miss DS, especially when he's gone for two nights in a row. But I definitely find that I'm a better and more engaged mother to DS when I get some adult time. He hasn't had an overnight in the last three weeks because of his dad's wedding, then my parents coming for a visit, then his dad going out of town, and honestly, I'm sort of looking forward to having next weekend free.

I won't lie, being a single parent can be hard, and dealing with custody issues can be hard. But if you have the luxury of being in a situation where all the adults are acting like adults and thinking with the child's best interests in mind, then it really can work out for the best.

Are you in a position where you'll be able to live off of child support and a few hours of work per week, or will you have to jump back into the labor force full time?

[allykat44]

Thanks for the great input. It sounds like you have things worked out pretty well for you and your son.

I haven't talked with my hubby about any details yet. I'm still trying to educate myself and make sure this is something I can tolerate and live with.

Right now I work part-time 50%, but mostly from home. I'm pretty sure I could support myself and my son keeping this schedule. I'm lucky in that regard.

Thanks again. Any other perspectives would be great.

[MissLotus]

Who is saying you have to do 50/50 custody?  Has a lawyer told you that's the norm where you live, or is your stbx trying to insist upon it, or what... If you're the primary caregiver and it would benefit your child to keep his routine, certainly don't cave in unless you're legally obligated to.  Plus if you're home nearly all the time, and say, your stbx would be putting him into daycare, then 50/50 custody wouldn't make sense anyway. 

No matter how amicable your split is, it's wise and necessary to speak to a lawyer before you make big decisions or sign anything.  You don't want to get roped into something that may not work for your child; get legal advice!