How/can I reslove this? (Father's wife overstepping boundaries) long but I really need help input... - Page 2

[sosurreal09]

She is very immature ad she is in her 60s! I am thinking close to 65.

IDK what to say to my father...if I say she disrespected us IDK if that will seem like an accusation b/c she certainly doesn't see it that way...but she did. Her expectations are completely unreasonable and I *think* my dad knows that...

Edited by sosurreal09 - 5/24/11 at 6:06pm

[mattemma04]

If it were me I would have to pass on being with that woman. I don't think it is OK to have my child yelled at everytime I visit. I would be telling dad," I am not comfortable being around your wife anymore,so we will no longer come to that home.I would be happy if you come to our place to visit with dd,but please do not bring your wife."

As a parent I put my kids first even over my own parents. When my mom was acting a bit wacky(hormones) we cut contact till things got better. I will not have my kids put up with it for the sake of *family* relations.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

[LCBMAX]

Repeating congratulations for healing with your dad.

That said, his wife's behavior and the consequences (like you setting limits on visiting her house) are HIS journey, not yours. As long as he is willing, you can continue to heal with him without taking on his marital issues. You will support him best by being gentle and honest about your boundaries on your child's behalf.

[2xy]

Politely disagreeing with someone and/or standing up for yourself (and your child) does not constitute disrespect. I see the words "respect" and "disrespect" thrown around all the time, with little thought as to what they really mean. A lot of people use those words simply to get their way when they're being an ass.

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by 2xy 

Politely disagreeing with someone and/or standing up for yourself (and your child) does not constitute disrespect. I see the words "respect" and "disrespect" thrown around all the time, with little thought as to what they really mean. A lot of people use those words simply to get their way when they're being an ass.

This. I was going to comment on your previous post about considering using the word "disrespect" when speaking to your dad's wife. I personally would avoid this word for exactly the reason this PP made. It's a buzz word, an often parodied word, possibly a hot button word and it could have the effect of glossing over the actual issues. Far better to be very specific. When you do A, I feel B, and that results in C. How can we resolve this? 

[sosurreal09]

He called on mother's day and acted like nothing ever happened but she was right there, and he put her on the phone and she pretended like nothing ever happened. Then my dad got back on the phone and I told him we needed to discuss what happened in person and that I was really happy how HE treated the baby and how HE respected us and our parenting style. I said I was really proud of how gentle he was with her and how much I know he really loves her.

He said he knows we need to talk and that he really appreciates that I picked up how hard he is trying. No news yet of when we will get to talk...

[sapphire_chan]

I think it's high time grandpa had a visit while his wife goes to visit her grand kids.

[AttunedMama]

Yeah, OP. I've been thinking about you, and it really seems like the situation is not as complicated as it might feel.

There's nothing stopping you from getting to know your dad, slowly, in context of your role as Mama. There's just not enough stability yet to involve his partner who has major issues. Maybe someday there will be; maybe Wife will work on herself in the meantime. However, it's not your responsibility to school her and burden yourself. There are libraries and therapists out there that are accessible to her (I hope). If it were me and Dad said 'Here's Wife to talk to you on the phone', I'd be quick with the 'No, Dad, I don't care to speak to Wife'. Firm, polite boundaries are an answer!

I hate when family members try to act like their own personal problems are mutual relationship issues.

[sosurreal09]

So I had to call my father today (returning a call) and of course she answered. There was a casual greeting followed by an attack about me being "snarky" I tod her I wasn't being that way and she apologized...

Then she gets into this long drawn out discussion with me about how she doesn't want this incident to ruin our relationship and she loves me and DD then turns around at the end of the convo and throws in some "your not disciplining/doing what's best for your DD jabs". I DID stand up for myself though and made it clear (I hope) that I have no interest in "breaking my child's will" or "not having respect for my child b/c she is just a baby but demanding respect as her authority" and then it went into "well you are wrong and so and so disciplines like this and so did I and our children are wonderful and raising their children like this" I just told her I did not agree with that type of parenting and he reply was "well we will see when DD is 13 y/o and if she talks back to you or not" Then she had to go..

Then I got on the phone with my dad who is all proud that his wife "apologized" and I told him I don't appreciate her attacking my style of parenting and that I don't need her to judge me or force her disciplining ways on me. I also told him that I feel more comfortable with the idea that we should only get together at my house and he agreed and said she is really weird about people touching her stuff...

I know she does have issues but she did also go through absolute hell as a child (pretty much every abuse you can imagine) which has effected her even in her older age now. I know that is no excuse for the way she treats people and behaves at times but IDK I guess I am just throwing it out there that there are reasons why she does some of the things she does...

So IDK at least my dad agrees it's better to not go to his house b/c of her strange boundary issues.

Edited by sosurreal09 - 5/25/11 at 4:15am

[Arduinna]

Wow, just wow. This woman has some serious problems. She sounds very emotionally immature, insecure and jealous. At this point, because she has proven she is incapable of minding her own business and being civil to you in person, I'd tell her that how you are raising your daughter is not at topic up for discussion. She needs to some serious boundry lines and they are going to need to be reinforced because she will cross them until she learns it's useless. There is just no way I'd even bother defending myself or my choices to her at all. Do not engage her when she gets irrational, I'd just ignore her freak outs while removing my child and myself from her presence. She is feeding off the drama she is creating. 

I'd give serious consideration to making formal plans to visit your father without her, and either at a third party location or at your home because her power tripping manipulations are their home are unacceptable. 

I hope you can find a way to have a workable relationship with your dad. 

[limabean]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

Then she gets into this long drawn out discussion with me...

It takes two people to have a long drawn out discussion. Shut her down the second she starts. Say, "My parenting decisions aren't up for discussion. How 'bout that rain, huh?" and if she launches back into her attacks just say, "Okay, I can see that you're unable to leave the subject alone so we'll have to talk later. Good bye!" 

[journeymom]

I DID stand up for myself though and made it clear (I hope) that I have no interest in "breaking my child's will" or "not having respect for my child b/c she is just a baby but demanding respect as her authority"

Take a big step back from her.  This isn't really about your parenting, it's about her pushing your buttons.   You don't need to stand up for your parenting philosophy and neither should you try to change her mind about it.  Don't engage at all.

You're above that now. You are your dd's mom and that's all there is to it. 

[sosurreal09]

I know you guys are right I guess I just need to get up enough guts to do it. If she ever brings up the matter again I will just say to her "Our parenting decisions are not open for discussion" and then change the subject. Eventually she will get the picture...I have to advocate for DD better b/c this woman tries to over discipline me when we do see her. She has no business disciplining my child.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

I know you guys are right I guess I just need to get up enough guts to do it. If she ever brings up the matter again I will just say to her "Our parenting decisions are not open for discussion" and then change the subject. Eventually she will get the picture...I have to advocate for DD better b/c this woman tries to over discipline me when we do see her. She has no business disciplining my child.

Good for you, and I agree with the bolded. It's hard though -- I remember how awkward it felt the first few times I stood up to my parents/ILs regarding my parenting decisions. It was uncomfortable, but I was surprised by how quickly they realized that it simply wasn't debatable, and now they don't question me at all. Once you have kids there's a huge learning curve for becoming more outspoken and letting go of that desire to always keep your parents happy. All of a sudden there's a helpless little being looking to you to keep her environment safe and secure, and eventually your desire to do that overrides any discomfort about displeasing your parents. It's a significant transition though, and transitions are usually uncomfortable, but once you're on the other side it feels so much better.