paige! welcome to MDC :)
I know exactly how you feel. I have been right there and at times still feel that way from time to time. All I can tell you is what I do.
I started researching vaccines well before i was married or become a mother. I had an aquaintances baby die of SIDS 14 days after her DTaP shot. The mom always thought it was the vaccine (only 1 given on that day as they were wary of the vaccines in the first place). The docs and medical community denied the vaccine could have played any role. I used to be one of those people who thought parents that did not vaccinate their kids were crazy whacked out child abusers - now Im one of them!
Anyway I always knew from what I learned years ago that when i had kids, I would not vaccinate them. Then I had a baby and I started questioning everything Id learned and bascially releanred everything and came to the same conclusion.
You says you don't want your child to come down with a VPD and be disabled yet you don't want your child harmed by vaccines. Of course no parent whats either of these scenarios no matter what they ultimately choose to do. However, the thinking that your child will be crippiled by a VPD if they are not vaccinated ia not a logical one. The chances of your child getting polio living in this country is slim to none. Are you aware that even when polio was rampant here, 95 % of infections were asymptomatic. Less than 1% of cases resulted in any kind of permamnet paraylsis. You must conduct a risk/benefit analysis for each vaccine and apply it to your personal circumstances. For me I found the risk of the vaccines outweighed any potential benefit. Does that mean that my child is not at rik at all? No being alive is a risk - and all we can do at the end of the day is protect our children the best we can with the info we have. There are no guanantees either way. Sucks but that's the way it is!
I hope you can make peace with your choice and feel good about it at least most of the time. As a parent, just keep researching and weighing the costs vs the benefits. You can change your mind at any time you know! Good luck!