Should I limit her reading? How?

[Joyfull]

My 8 yo DD1 reads a lot and sometimes I think she reads too much. When she reads she'll be in "another world". She is oblivious to her surrounding. She doesn't hear me or her father calling her, she doesn't respond to her sister's queries, she becomes very grumpy if she's interrupted. The two nearest malls I usually go to have libraries. DD will rather stay in the library than help me shopping (I think it's time for her to learn about comparing prices, reading label during shopping etc). She'll come back home with a stack of books, plop on the sofa and read, read, read until night. I have to nag her to do her homework, to play with her little sister (whó can't read yet but loovee to play with her big sister) to do her chores, to shower and to eat her dinner, When the girls play computer game (using 2 computers), Wii or DSi at least they communicate with each other. One will shout that she is sending the other a "gift", they encourage each other, they help each other. But once DD1 is into her books she'll be silence and uncommunicable for hours. And she reads everywhere, not only the usual place like waiting for the bus/taxi but she also reads at the restaurants (her fave sushi place is next to library so she always goes there first), during the 10 minutes taxi ride from the mall, while riding the lift down from our apartment to groundfloor so that she misses neighbors saying hello to her, while visiting relatives she deems as boring. And sometimes she uses the recess time at school to read instead of playing with friends or eating. It's good whenever she takes a break from her books, she swims, rides her bike or plays catching  but other times....I feel it's too much. I'm afraid it'll interfere with her school work (doing her math sloppily because she wants to read). What do you think? I love reading too but I take time to do my chores. Should I limit her reading? How? Thanks in advance and sorry for the long rant.

[zinemama]

No, I wouldn't limit her reading. That would be the worst thing you could do.

However, she is old enough that you can have a talk with her about your expectations of her as a member of the family: that she'll do her chores and homework and that she'll eat dinner without being grumpy about not being able to read. You can certainly discuss your expectation that you won't have to nag her about these things. Maybe a rewards system is in order?

[Joyfull]

Thank you Zinemama. I talked to her about chores and homework. She procrastinates doing them to finish the chapter and another and another. I asked her what reward (non book/reading) she wants if she completes the chores and homework satisfactorily. She'd like me to go swimming with her. Still have to work on no reading during meals and while visiting relatives for short period.

[MomtoDandJ]

I don't think it would make sense to limit her reading, since it may send the message that reading is not important or is not a good activity.  And I think you'll look back in 10-20 years and be so thankful she was an avid readers since it really does contribute to strong overall academic skills and it also requires a lot of patience and focus which many kids never learn.

I think it would be okay, though, to set some boundaries.  For example, she can read at home and in the car, but not while walking, standing, or riding the elevator.  Explain it's dangerous to have her eyes on a book while she's moving or while she's around others since she may get bumped or bump others.  Or, she can read while she waits at a restaurant, but once the food comes she needs to put the book away.  Again, you could explain the book may get messy if it's at the table with food or explain that she needs to look at her food while she's eating.

Also, would she be interested in reading to her sister?  That may be a great activity for them to do together and your daughter will still get to read.

[SoulJourney]

She sounds exactly like how I was at that age and I remember my mom getting so frustrated with me! When she tried to limit my reading I would sneak and stay up later under my covers to continue reading. I think it's good to look at it not as "you can't read" but "I'd like you to spend xx amount of time doing a, b and c each day". Perhaps allow her to read after or between those activities that are mutually agreed upon or you feel are important? To this day I still carry a book with me everywhere I go...standing in a long line at the bank or store is a perfect place to read a few pages! :O) I also like pp's suggestion to have her read to her sister...GREAT idea!

[tinuviel_k]

I think that setting reasonable limits would not be a bad thing. Sure, reading is wonderful and should be encouraged! But learning to live a balanced life is even more important. If any activity (regardless of how healthy) is interfering with school and homework, family time, friends, chores, and basic manners... well, I think it is time to take a close look, have a good talk, and figure out some ideas together.

I am an avid reader. I read every day. As a young child I read ALL THE TIME, and if my parents had not set limits it would have gotten pretty ridiculous. I would have loved to read at the dinner table, at family gatherings, instead of playing outside with my siblings, at every single recess and lunch, etc.

And honestly I've used my passion for reading as a crutch my whole life. Feeling shy or overwhelmed? Hide behind a book. Don't want to clean the kitchen right now? Why, I'll read another chapter (or four)! Is math homework feeling kinda challenging... well, I'm so good at reading that I'll read another book instead. Kinda bored at the family Christmas gathering? Escape into a book and make it all go away. I did it all the time as a kid and I have to fight hard not to do it now as a 32 year old mom of a seven year old.

I'm not saying to limit your child to X hours a day. But I think it is fine to set some limits. No reading at restaurants or at the dinner table is a fine rule. Maybe a short reading time after school, and then the books need to go away until homework and chores are done. Perhaps reading in the car is okay, but sticking her nose in a book while walking down the hallway (and missing friends and neighbor's greetings) should be brought up as a possible change she could make. If you would like to have her company on shopping trips perhaps you can arrange for enough time to shop and THEN go to the library, with the expectation that she spend some quality time learning and shopping with you before the library trip.

[Joyfull]

Thank you soo much for the kind and helpful replies. Yes, instead of seeing it as annoying thing overall, I should set some limit on where, when and how she reads. I had to chuckle while reading your post, tinuviel, yeah it's almost exactly like what she's doing now. Maybe part of me is afraid that she'll use the book to "hide" away from unpleasant or difficult things (for her). And I don't want the neighbors/friends/relatives see her as rude and weird for having her nose in the book all.the.time. I want her to be able to carry a conversation during meals or while visiting, negotiate with friends, greet acquaintances etc. Yes, I think the suggestion that she reads to her little sister is great! Also to go shopping first and then library. There's a shopping mall near her music class, which didn't have a library, that I go to once in a while. However just last week the government opened a brand new library there, with shelves and shelves of brand new books still smelling of paper and ink. I think she almost lost her mind seeing so many crisp books.

[prancie]

I do think that it's entirely reasonable to limit her reading to times when it is appropriate.  It is not appropriate to read at family gathering, the dinner table, or when eating out. It is not OK to avoid social interactions with books, she needs to respond to the neighbors and her family members when addressed.   

Do you ever read to her?  My mom read to me long after I could read myself and those are some of my favorite memories, cuddled on the couch listening to "Little House of the Prairie" or some such book.  It becomes a social activity then.  You and she and your other daughter could take turns picking and reading books to each other.  Or listen to audio books together.  

[chattyprincess]

Are you describing my childhood? I was this EXACT way, and still am. Reading was everything to me, it was a complete escape. I do not ever remember being limited but I wish looking back now that I had been. I would stay up late to read, read at resturants, read in church. Anywhere any way I could I would read whatever was around if I didn't have a book.  I wish my  mother had forced me to do other things.

Usually once I had the book taken away and knew I could read later I was fine, but I always was grumpy if interrupted and I still am. I like to be the one to set my limits, its almost like watching tv. You wouldn't think to force a child to turn a show off halfway through or in the last 5 min, same respect to a book. When you want her to do something else ask her when she thinks a good stopping point is, tell her when she comes to a natural resting point in the book that it needs to be put down and that at xyz time she can read again. Set limits on where reading isn't going to happen, whatever you guys feel it might be and have her help think up ideas too.  Its important to teach her to self regulate this, I have had to teach myself that and its hard, be gentle and explain that the book will still be there and while she plays she can think of what she thinks will happen. Explain that sometimes part of the joy of reading isn't just the words on the paper but the anticipation of thinking and planning what the characters might do next.

Also I thought I would address the part of her not hearing or responding when reading. I am the same way. The phone could ring, someone could slice off thier head right next to me and I would still be so engrossed in my book I wouldn't notice. Just gently put your hand on her arm or head and say "soandso sweetie I was calling your name, we need to do xyz".

[sunnygir1]

I guess I'll be a bit of a dissenting voice here.

I was like that as a child, and I don't remember any limits being set (except maybe at the dinner table), AND I don't regret it.  I grew up just fine.  I still love to read, but did not have trouble learning to self-regulate.  But as a child, I would spend whole days reading books, and my mom didn't object.

That said, I think it is fine and appropriate for you to set some limits and expectations for things to get done.  I do think requiring her to respond every time someone speaks to her while she's reading may be expecting too much -- she may really not hear them, and I can see younger siblings using that to get her attention, if she HAS to respond to them or get in trouble with you.

I think you've heard some great ideas here, and I like the idea of trying to figure out what kind of boundaries you need to set up around it so that YOU can keep from being annoyed about it.  I don't think it is harmful to her to have her nose in a book most of the time -- it is a great way to learn and to get through rough times.

[One_Girl]

I think you should address the refusal to do chores while reading the same way you would treat the refusal to stop playing in order to do chores, get ready to go somewhere, or eat.  My dd and I are both readers but we also do our chores, homework, eat as a family with no books at the table, and leave the house without books (unless we are going on a long trip).  I don't think you should necessarily set time limits but I do think you should require her to meet age appropriate obligations as a member of the family and to eat as a member of the family, especially when you are doing something as special as dining out.  Having her do her homework before reading may work better for her.  Giving her a set amount of time to read and setting a timer to signal it being time to stop no matter what so she can do her work may also help once she gets used to it. 

Is it possible that you are letting her get away with refusing because of her grumpiness?  I know that I am sometimes not eager to argue with my dd, but I have found that if I tell my dd what needs to happen and she knows that I really am serious she will do it even if she is doing it while complaining and grumping the whole time.  Being grumpy is normal and voicing anger is okay in our family but refusing to do a non-negotiable task is not at all okay.  You may find that if you just allow her to do her task grumpily that she will do it.  Sometimes I think we as parents mistake grumpy responses for refusal and we get sucked into argument when really the grumpiness will be there whether we get sucked in or not but the task may not get done if we allow ourselves to get sucked in because we don't have energy to argue then motivate our child to do what we are telling them to do.

[jessica_s]

This was me as a child as well. I think the time when I spent the most time reading was around her age 7-8-9 probably into 10. I *WAS* reading to escape, I know that now. My parents were going though a really rough time that led to a pretty nasty divorce. We moved a lot, I never had a ton of friends and got bored playing with my younger brothers. I could just go away from it all and read.

Thats a big chunk of the happy part of my childhood. 

I read at all sorts of inappropriate times too lol - including in class when I should have been paying attention. It was my therapy though - so I'm thankful for that. 

I agree that things have to be done, but I think it's ok if she invests all her free time doing what she loves to do!

I do still have a hard time putting a book down and I'll read till 3 in the morning if the book is that good. Since I've had kids I've slowed way down but I can't wait to read like that again one day when my kids are older and have moved away from home. 

[ElliesMomma]

save up -- she'll be getting into a really good (probably expensive) college.

[velochic]

I work in a public library (used to be in research and now am in development) and my dh is a university professor.  We all are voracious readers (in multiple languages) and dd has nearly unlimited access to any books she wants between our home library of thousand+ books and where I work.  I do not limit her reading *at all*, but she still has to navigate life.  The two are not mutually exclusive and as a pp said, a child needs to learn to manage their time to be able to get "life" done while participating in their favorite activities.  For us, that means that we have family conversation at the dinner table... not reading (except some newspaper reading at bfast on the weekends, but that also has to lead to discussion).  My dd used to walk and read and I finally put the kibosh on that, too.  I agree with the pp that said that it's dangerous.  It is.

So, what you are talking about is not "setting limits", it's really teaching your child how life works.  Even if she were to become an editor or proof-reader or have a profession that involves reading, she'll still not be able to spend all of her time reading only for pleasure.  That's what she's doing now.  Even though I work in a library, we (contrary to popular belief) do not get to read for pleasure at work.  Like anything else, teaching a child moderation isn't "limiting"... it's parenting.  Good luck!