Am I being too sensitive?

[bignerpie]

I recently left my 2 year old son with some family members (husband's side) for about an hour while I ran an errand. I rarely even leave him with my husband; I'm hardly ever away from him.

When I got back, I was told by a teenage cousin that the whole time I was gone, everyone was bad-mouthing me, calling me a bad mother and questioning my parenting decisions, specifically with my son's sleep schedule, which has been an enormous struggle for us. I am stupid for not locking him in his room at 7pm every night until he cried himself to sleep.

He has some enamel erosion on his teeth, even though I brush his teeth every day, limit sugar, etc. But they decided that I am not taking care of him, so they found an old toothbrush (!!!!!) and brushed his teeth while I was gone!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with a girl, and that was more fuel for the fire. I really don't even want to repeat the terrible things they said.

I can tell my husband is upset about it, too, even though he is trying so hard to keep it from bothering me. He keeps saying that they are bad mouthing me because they are self-conscious about their own parenting, and I am a much better mom than they will ever be, but it's really not helping. I know that pregnancy hormones are making me very sensitive, and normally I would just let stupid comments roll off my back.

I was so excited about having a new baby, and now I am questioning everything. My husband and I both have parent issues- mine abandoned me and his died when he was young. So we both try our best to show our son how much he is loved, and do everything we can to give him a happy, safe life. I guess what my big problem is, is that I consider a parent like mine to be a 'bad parent'- someone who abandons their child. Someone who chooses a life of drugs and alcohol over their child. And now people are putting me on that same level. *sigh* I don't know what else to say about it. I guess I just needed to vent a little.

[Lynn08]

nope.  pregnant or not, i'd be pretty ticked that they were badmouthing me in front of my child (and at 2, kids definitely understand what the adults around them are saying)!  the toothbrushing thing might not bother me on it's own (or it might, not sure really) but in conjunction with everything else, i would definitely not be letting them watch my dc again.  not cool, at all.  tho, your dh is absolutely right! go give him big hugs!  and keep being excited for the new babe because it is exciting!  

[Katwoman]

How hard that must have been to hear!  I'm sorry that happened!!

There are so many things going on at one time, no wonder you feel as vulnerable as you do. 

I think the first thing you should remember is, they hurt your feelings - badly.  It's OKAY to feel the emotions that come with someone saying something hurtful to you.

The second thing, which is much harder to do, is to remember not to give weight to what they are saying just because they hurt your feelings.  As humans, sometimes we subconciously think that because something upset us, it must have truth to it.  But the reality is, emotions are just a reaction to a situation.  They are not a barameter of the truth of a situation.  So please, allow yourself the space to feel your feelings.  Arguing with your feelings about whether they are valid or not is a complete waste of time.  And the kicker is, arguing validity of feelings makes you feel worse than you already do and it keeps those feelings all wound up.  Just let them be.  At the same time really experience and revel in what you know about yourself as a mother.  Know you are a good mom.  Know you are doing right by your child.  Know that you have the instincts to be a good Mom.  And let what they said go. 

Think about it this way, if I came up to you on the street and said I've been watching you with your child and I can tell your a bad mom.  Would that upset you?  Would you carry that around and let it make you wonder about your skills as a parent?  Probably not.  (I mean I'm a complete stranger, what do I really know about you?)  I don't think it's any different that giving your IL's statements any real weight.  They don't really know you as a parent, they're not walking in your shoes or supporting you.  You're opinion and your DH's opinions are the ones that should carry weight in this subject.

Now, please note, I am not saying your shouldn't be pissed that your IL's were talking bad about you.  You should be mad and hurt.  It's just mean.  Just keep the issue of their meanness seperate from the issue of what kind of mom you are.

[philomom]

Don't leave your children with them ever again. And have your dh grow a pair and tell them not to bad mouth you.

[mattemma04]

Cut negative people out of your life. There will always be those who will speak poorly of you.If you,dh,and son are happy that is all that matters.My dd had cavities at 4. I was so sad,but it never occured to anyone to blame it on my parenting. Never leave your child with those people again.If they feel so strongly about you now just wait till you have your next.Cut them out now.Better for your family.

[Chinaberry]

They did what????

Eewwww the toothbrushing thing is NASTY!

And the trash-talking on top of it? No way. Either would initiate a No Unsupervised Visits Ever policy, and very few supervised ones either. Maybe I'm sensitive too, but I don't think you're being too sensitive, at all.

I would be very angry at first, then I would be happy because now I would know I hardly ever have to see them again! DH can enjoy their company all by himself, while you continue to create your own safe, positive community for you and your kids.

It's still shocking and hurtful, and I'm sorry to hear that happened to you and your DS. It sounds like you've overcome a lot of sad, awful things, and that you've learned to learn from them. Still a bummer.

[mamazee]

The only thing I'd change is to stop leaving kids with them. If you can work up the nerve, tell the, why!

You should not take what they said and did as a reflection on your parenting.

[One_Girl]

I would never leave my child with someone who said bad things about me in front of my child.  I don't mind if they completely disagree with what I am doing and discuss it, but when they say it in front of my child I do draw a line.  I think you should call them on it and let them know that you will not be bringing your children around them, not the first one or the one on the way, because you don't feel that they are modeling being respectful towards your parents (that isn't really the issue but it should get their attention).  As for weak enamel, it is my understanding that it is caused by things happening to disrupt the development of the teeth during the time when they are forming in the mouth.  My dd has weak enamel on her six year molars and that is often caused by very high fevers or a lot of antibiotic use during the first year of life when those teeth were forming underneath the surface not anything I did as a parent.  There is probably something else causing your son's weak enamel that has nothing to do with how you are caring for those teeth.

[APToddlerMama]

They sound crazy and I'd never let the things that crazy people said about me bother me.  They think CIO is great and brushed his teeth with a used old tooth brush AND had the terrible sense to think it was okay to speak badly in front of a child about his mother?  Clearly they are wrong.  I get the same type of stuff from my in-laws and our solution has been to cut them off from babysitting and visit with them rarely...and yes, we told them why.  Good luck.  You are doing a great job!

[bignerpie]

What I really want to do is tell all of you the terrible things they do to their own children and why I'm so much better than them. It sure would make me feel better for a few minutes, but it's still not going to help my situation.

My husband is very attached to these relatives, since they are the people that took care of him after his parents died. And they live 5 minutes away. So we see them all. the. time. And they have that "If you can't handle us talking about you, you're not tough enough for this family" mentality. I hear them talk about everyone else, so I assumed they talked about me, too. It still hurt to hear exactly what was being said. So that's why I asked my original question, "Am I being too sensitive?" Now I realize that no, I'm not too sensitive. They're just being !

The decision has been made- no more babysitting. Limited visits. We decided not to say anything about this particular incident. My husband feels like the person who told us about it might be stirring the pot, and some of the comments may be exaggerated. I don't know what to think about it.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by Katwoman 

As humans, sometimes we subconciously think that because something upset us, it must have truth to it.  But the reality is, emotions are just a reaction to a situation.  They are not a barameter of the truth of a situation.  

This is really wise. I hope to always remember it.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by bignerpie 

My husband is very attached to these relatives, since they are the people that took care of him after his parents died. And they live 5 minutes away. So we see them all. the. time.

I'm so glad your husband is on board with limiting visits and no babysitting.  I can understand his attachment to them, but he also has to remember that once he becomes a parent, his primary responsibility is to his child and to you.  Family of origin comes second to keeping his child safe and secure (emotionally too).  Good luck to both of you with sticking with your new plan.