DD not invited to friend's birthday party

[mamatoablessing]

This is a neighbor friend who we are quite close.  Our families hang out often, kids play outside, girls sit next to each other on the bus to school, do weekly family BBQ's and pool parties, etc.  My DD wasn't invited to her birthday party and I can't figure out why.   The other 4 girls on the street were.  The ONLY thing I can come up with is that because my DD is a year younger, she was inviting only kids from her class/grade?  I'm at a loss and feel really bad for my DD when she finds this out.  I was thinking about asking the mom, since we are also friends.  Something like "Hey, I realized that O wasn't invited to G's birthday.  Is there any particular reason why?"  What do you all think?  Is it appropriate to ask the mom or should I just leave it alone?  Not sure how to soften the blow for DD when she finds this out...

Thanks!

[CatsCradle]

Given the relationship, I would probably ask.  How did you find out about the party and who was invited?  I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation and perhaps once you know why, it will be easier to relay same to your DD. 

[yarngoddess]

That sucks! I have no advice. I hope some one else has better advice for you!

[lovingmommyhood]

I would definitely ask!

[mamatoablessing]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

Given the relationship, I would probably ask.  How did you find out about the party and who was invited?  I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation and perhaps once you know why, it will be easier to relay same to your DD. 

It was being dicussed at the bus stop this morning.  The kids were talking about getting the invitation.  DD didn't hear them but I did.  I think I will ask the mom tomorrow at the bus stop.  I just feel so sorry for DD.  She's going to be heartbroken when she realizes she's been left out. 

[JollyGG]

I would casually ask for a couple of reasons:

1. To help explain it to DD.

2. If there has been some sort of "falling out" I would want know, as one of my roles as a parent is to help my child learn to navigate conflict..

3. If the invitation was sent but never received. If all the other girls got there invitations yesterday it could just be that DD hasn't received hers yet.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by mamatoablessing 

It was being dicussed at the bus stop this morning.  The kids were talking about getting the invitation.  DD didn't hear them but I did.  I think I will ask the mom tomorrow at the bus stop.  I just feel so sorry for DD.  She's going to be heartbroken when she realizes she's been left out. 

Keep us updated.  I know that DD's school has a policy that you have to invite everyone in the class or no one at all.  I understand this and have no problem with it, but at the same time, if you have limited space and/or resources, it sort of narrows the field for inviting non-class friends.  We had DD's last birthday at a puppet theatre with very limited space.  I was wringing my hands the whole time because once I sent the invites to the classmates, I had to really be careful with the other people we would have invited if there had been more space.  It doesn't help either, when parents don't RSVP (either at all or not in a timely fashion).  I know my own DD would have trouble understanding why she wouldn't be invited, especially if it was a common and close relationship.

 

[mamatoablessing]

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by mamatoablessing 

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 

Aww, I had a feeling it would be something like that.  You're right that disappointment is part and parcel of life, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Actually, this is probably harder for you than it will be for your DD.  Hugs.

 

[Katwoman]

I'm sorry that you're feeling bitter about it.  I'm wondering how much extra you'd be willing to spend to make sure no one's feelings are hurt.  (I'm not asking in actual money.)  But you never know their circumstances.  What if the girl having the party has 10 friends from school, three of them belong to the group of 7 friends from church, one belongs to the group of 15 in the neighborhood.  At what point do you cut it off?  Make your DD have a party she doesn't want because her first choice is too expensive?  Or teach the birthday girl the value of choices?  You can have your first choice of the expensive party, but then we can only afford to have 6 girls come.  The birthday girl then has to choose what she wants to do. 

When you discuss it with your DD, I'd make sure to remind her that there is no way to know how hard it was for the birthday girl to make the choices she did.  That it doesn't have to be personal against your DD at all, even though it feels like. 

I get that your feelings are hurt and you have a right to those feelings.  I just think things are not always so straight forward.  Especially when the children in the social group start making choices for themselves.

As an aside, I was the child growing up with the mother who didn't want anyone to feel left out.  I would routinely have 20-30 kids at my parties.  It wasn't fun for me.  I wasn't an extroverted child to begin with.  Then on my birthday my Mom was busy getting ready and having the party.  I never spent time with my Mom.  I always was glad when it was over.

[Alyantavid]

It's too late now, but I wouldn't ask.  It's up to the birthday kid and the parents who gets invited and you have no idea the reasoning behind it. 

I'd really hate to get that phone call and be forced to say "hey, yeah I don't have enough money for your kid to go".  And now you're upset over it.  What did you want the mom to do?  This girl probably has other friends who would have liked to go as well, so setting a number was a good idea on her part.  She obviously couldn't invite everyone.  I'd be really careful to not put your feelings about this on your daughter.  She didn't get invited to a party.  It happens to everyone and as much as it sucks to watch it happen to your kid, it's the way it goes.  I don't think it's worth ending a friendship over though.

We had my son's last birthday at a go-kart place.  At $30 a kid, I had to put a limit on who he could invite because he would have invited everyone he knew. 

[beenmum]

It could just be the age thing. Or maybe what they were doing wasnt something your DD enjoyed?

[babymommy2]

I wouldn't have asked either. Awkward! I wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of that call, that is really unpleasant. And I wouldn't want to be the one making that call, it really comes across as desperate! Also I don't think that there is anything that mom could have said to make you feel better, so I am not sure why you would want to call anyways unless it was that you hoped she would change her mind and invite your daughter. Most likely some day you and your daughter will be in the same boat, not being able to invite everyone. It is just one of those things, sometimes you get invited and sometimes you don't.

[beenmum]

Originally Posted by mamatoablessing 

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 

Oh my gosh I would have been so humiliated had someone done this to me.

This is one of the reasons I hate doing parties. It becomes less about my child and her wishes and more about other kids "rights" or entitlment to be invited to something I am paying for.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by babymommy2 

I wouldn't have asked either. Awkward! I wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of that call, that is really unpleasant. And I wouldn't want to be the one making that call, it really comes across as desperate! Also I don't think that there is anything that mom could have said to make you feel better, so I am not sure why you would want to call anyways unless it was that you hoped she would change her mind and invite your daughter. Most likely some day you and your daughter will be in the same boat, not being able to invite everyone. It is just one of those things, sometimes you get invited and sometimes you don't.

I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot.  I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this.  I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one.  I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something. 

Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on.  I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.  :)
 

[limabean]

I wouldn't have asked. How awkward!  

The girl's invite list was limited to 6 kids, and apparently she has 6 kids she's closer to than your DD. I can see feeling mild disappointment on behalf of your DD, but I can't get behind being bitter over it. This is your chance to teach your DD how to put things like this in perspective, and if you teach her that it's A Huge Deal or something that could ruin a friendship, it could do her a disservice. 

My DS hasn't always been invited to every single one of his friends' birthday parties, and we just treat it matter of factly: "Oh, maybe they could only invite a certain number of guests. Oh well, let's take him out for ice cream the next time he comes over!" We also don't invite everyone we know to every party we have -- as someone else said, where do you draw the line? Classmates, neighbors, family friends, and church friends can add up pretty fast when everyone is thinking that the hosts should have room for "just one more." 

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot.  I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this.  I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one.  I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something. 

Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on.  I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.  :)
 

ITA it's not like this woman was a total stranger, they're friends. I would have NO problem asking a friend this. 

[APToddlerMama]

OP, I can totally understand how you feel, bitter and all.   I think sometimes our feelings of disappointment or sadness are magnified many times over when we are watching our kids experience a tough time.  It sounds like you are close to your neighbor, so I see no reason why you shouldn't have talked with her about it. Also, if the party was going to be limited, the birthday girl should have been instructed that in order to not hurt other kids' feelings, that she shouldn't be discussing the party in front of kids who weren't invited.  As an adult, I would never do that, and kids should be taught the same thing.  It just isn't kind or thoughtful.  I am sorry your DD has to go through this and I hope it ends up being easier on her than you are expecting. 

[mamatoablessing]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot.  I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this.  I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one.  I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something. 

Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on.  I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.  :)
 

Thank you for this.  Yes, we are close friends so not just a casual classmate at school or something.  I admit the conversation wasn't easy but I'm glad I did it.  Otherwise I never would've known why DD wasn't invited.

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

OP, I can totally understand how you feel, bitter and all.   I think sometimes our feelings of disappointment or sadness are magnified many times over when we are watching our kids experience a tough time.  It sounds like you are close to your neighbor, so I see no reason why you shouldn't have talked with her about it. Also, if the party was going to be limited, the birthday girl should have been instructed that in order to not hurt other kids' feelings, that she shouldn't be discussing the party in front of kids who weren't invited.  As an adult, I would never do that, and kids should be taught the same thing.  It just isn't kind or thoughtful.  I am sorry your DD has to go through this and I hope it ends up being easier on her than you are expecting. 

Thank you also.  While I'm not necessarily looking for validation it's nice to read others who also might feel the same way as I do.

The mom was surprised that it was already being discussed at the bus this morning and I have a feeling she will be asking her daughter to keep is on the down low.

[Linda on the move]

We had a situation like that when my DD was younger. It was our next door neighbor who she played with pretty much every day, and the party was in the kid's yard. But my DD wasn't invited because she was one year younger and the mom decided to stick with just school friends. The mom was my friend and we spoke often on the phone.

It was ...... absurd.

My DD was heartbroken. There wasn't a way for her to not find out about the party. And yeah, as my DD was crying about not being invited to the party of the girl who she considered her best friend, I was pretty p*ssed. It seemed really unnecessary.

I did talk to the other mom about it and asked what the deal was. If you are friends, it's good to know what is going on and to let them know who things effect your kid.

It did really change our perceptions of the friendship. My DD found at the other girl didn't consider her an important friend, which hurt at the time but was good to know, and I found that the other mom didn't really care about my DD's feelings, which also hurt to find out but was good to know.

We got a little clearer picture of reality. That was a clearly a friendship that was more important to me and my DD than it was to the other mom or her DD. Ouch.

We generally go over board on making sure kids' feeling don't get hurt about parties. Last year, when my DD turned 12, she wanted to add a line on the invites that if you had a sibling who would enjoy a jumping castle and pizza, they were welcome to come.